


A College Entry Essay

by writewithlove



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Bang Chan & Lee Minho | Lee Know are Best Friends, Biggest slow burn of your life, Bittersweet Ending, Coming of Age, Han Jisung | Han & Hwang Hyunjin are Best Friends, I didn’t think I’d have to add this but, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lee Minho | Lee Know has significant anxiety, Lee Minho | Lee know has Aspergers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minho is trying to figure out life, OT9 always., Protective Minho, Teenage Dorks, basically Minho writes about his junior year of high school because everything bad happened, but dw Minsung get together, poor bbys I love Stray Kids why do I hurt them sm?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2020-03-06 05:46:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 88,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18844846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writewithlove/pseuds/writewithlove
Summary: To get into the college of his dreams, Lee Minho has to open up about the most important year of his life in an essay he never thought he’d have to write.He has to write an essay with a moral at the end. One that has a true and honest meaning to it. In his essay he must open up about all his mistakes, all his growth, all he has loved, and all that he has lost.





	1. Time Out

**Author's Note:**

> This story isn’t the most lighthearted Minsung you’ll read, but it’s not all-around super depressing. It’s simply a look into Stray Kids as high school kids just trying to understand themselves and learn a thing or two about life along the way.
> 
> If you’re sensitive to certain subjects, don’t read this. But, if you wanna take the deep-dive into teenager’s ever declining mental health, then please... enjoy yourself!
> 
> Chapter title is based off of GOT7’s song Time Out

To get into Seoul University, Minho needs two things above all else: the correct education, and a fifteen page entry essay. An essay that haunts Minho day and night, not because of the daunting amount of pages that was needed, but rather because of the topic of said essay.

Minho’s task is to write an essay answering this one question: _What is the main lesson you have learned in life that has made you grow into the person you will be at our school?_

Now, Minho was never the smartest kid growing up, but he is able to work his way around a question like this and at least pop some shit out, _but this was college!_ He’s trying to get accepted into his dream school at the age of twenty.

This had to be good, so good that the school would never forget him. He can’t write an essay on truth or honesty, because he figures everyone would write something like that. No, this had to mean something.

As the deadline for his application grows closer the panic grows stronger.

Early today however, a name stuck him in the middle of the day as he was making breakfast for him, his roommate, and his roommate’s boyfriend.

The date is May 17th, 2019.

The date made Minho grip the pan that held eggs and bacon.

_Han._

With that name came a rush of emotions.

Another name found its way to the forefront of Minho’s mind.

_Chan._

That was the only thought circulating in his head for hours at a time.

At a quarter to midnight, Lee Minho sits at his desk with his back at an angle no doctor would ever recommend. His light bulb is blinking at a rate of five times per minute, but he can’t find it in him to care.

His hair is shaggy and unkempt. His breath probably smells of something terrible, but he breathes a heavy sigh once he starts his first sentence of many to come. He wants to keep his fingers moving because once they started, his feelings came out. But it was a lesson he was writing.

So it will be long.

He can’t write a simple moral at the end of a fable, he can’t write an ending where the whole story lead up to _‘Slow and steady wins the race.’_

He needs this to be something more.

His essay beings as follows:

_Being the new kid is always hard. I don’t care what anyone tells you. I don’t care what stories you read where the new kid makes friends on the first day, or whatever the movie tell you. Being the new kid is terrible. I should know. I’ve been the new kid on several occasions and probably will continue this pattern until I die._

_But being the new kid doesn’t always mean bad things are going to happen forever. Because the truth is, you’ll adapt and get a feel for things and become better at molding in with everyone around you._

_Being the new kid in Gimpo was hard. I moved there the summer before my junior year when I was sixteen. My mom, Lee Mija, signed me up for dance classes in hopes of making friends. In the end I supposed it all worked out for the better, or maybe it didn’t. I’m not too sure about that._

_I only had a hand full of real friends before the ending of September rolled around._

_There was a night that changed that however, a night I’ll never forget, September 9th, 2015. I had been crying that day, something I did a lot back then, and went out for a much needed walk a little bit before midnight. My mom was worried but decided that, in the end, I’d be okay._

_However, I found myself at a bus stop, my eyes were hurting and red. I started picking_

 

  
_ September 9th, 2015: _

  
at his fingernails once more, causing his fingers to bleed a little.  
  
_Shit…_ he thought but didn’t stop.  
  
He bit his bottom lip when the wind hits him at full force once more. For being early September, it was frigid.  
  
His right leg bounced uncomfortably fast as he kept picking.  
  
_Just call Chan and have him come pick you up._  
  
His mind was being rational considering the state he was in. However, that wasn’t to say that he listened to the rationale.  
  
Minho went on picking his nails when he began to hear rainfall. He sighed and threw his head back, closing his eyes. He felt his hair tickle his forehead, and for a moment he was able to make himself smile when he remembered his mom reprimanding him for having his hair in his face.

Then anxiety shot back in when he thought about how worried his mom must be.

_For the love of Christ, just start walking home._

His panic had faded since his long walk away from home, but whenever he tried to stand up, something pulled him back. He felt like he can start crying at any point. Tears even began to prick his eyes, causing a red hot pain to form. He gripped his fists tight enough to leave marks and have his knuckles go white.

 _Don’t get worked up again, don’t get worked up again. You just calmed yourself down not even ten minutes ago. Breathe for the love of God. You have to go home soon anyway._ _  
_

But when he opened his eyes, for the life of him, he can’t remember which way he came from. That’s why he even chose the bus stop as a resting point to begin with; some sort of landmark was better than nothing.  
  
_Fucking idiot._  
  
His counselor would scold him right now if she knew Minho was being hard on himself in such a panicked state.  
  
Just as his body pushed full force to stand, Minho saw a figure run past him, a figure that smiled like the sun was never going to stop shining, and laughed like the sky would never be cloudy.

 _I know that laugh._  
  
Minho cocked his head so hard he could hear a pop through his spinal cord. As he stood up, his anxiety fell to standby mode.

”All right, bye hyung!”  
  
Minho’s eyebrows knitted together.  
  
_No, no. I definitely know that voice. He sounds young, but I don’t know many young people._

The only time in recent memories where he really spoke to someone younger than him was at the dance studio.

_The dance studio— oh shit!_

His whole body jerked with a mix of emotions.

“Jeongin-ah?!” Minho yelled in strong hopes he got the name correct.  
  
The figure abruptly stopped in their tracks and spun around.  
  
They weren’t too far away from each other, so when Minho gets a closer look, he saw a mop of thick brown curly hair and smiled.  
  
”M-Minho?” The voice called back.  
  
Minho then waved back and watched as Jeongin started jogging over, his grin as big as ever.

”It’s been so long!”  
  
Minho laughed. ”Yeah… yeah, I know. I see you around the halls sometimes, I— sorry I don’t say hi .”  
  
Jeongin waved him off. ”Don’t worry about it! I’m just glad I can see you now, not under the best circumstances,” he gestures to the rain and giggled, ”but still! I missed you when dance classes ended! I wish we kept contact.”  
  
Minho went red. ”Me too… sorry about that. I— uh— got a new phone and lost your number,” Minho gripped his phone he’s had for two years in his pocket, “and um— this one is dead.”

That was a lie, but saying that was easier than saying that he shut his phone off to disconnect from everyone for a few hours.

Jeongin’s face fell. “Bummer. Well, here, can I see your arm?”  
  
Minho cocked his head. “Sure?”  
  
The sophomore then pulled out a pen from his back pocket and wrote his number on Minho’s forearm, making sure the rain didn’t wash or smudge it.  
  
He capped his pen and grinned.  
  
“Text me when you have the chance!”  
  
“W-Will do…” and maybe he would this time.  
  
Jeongin’s face fell. “Why are you out here at this time of night?”  
  
Minho snorted. “Could ask you the same thing, you’re fifteen and you’re out here alone. I’m at least sixteen, going on seventeen.”  
  
The younger rolled his eyes. “I’m going to my friend’s house.”  
  
Minho squinted. “Do your parents know about this?”  
  
Minho caught his face fall for a split second, but Jeongin then shrugged before Minho thought anything of it. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

Minho chuckled. Slowly the anxiety started to build up inside of him, but he grinned regardless.

“Never took you as the rebellious type.”  
  
“Have to be a teenager sometimes,” Jeongin kept averting any eye contact. “What about you, though? Are you okay, your eyes are red.”  
  
Minho glanced down then chuckled. “Yeah, no. I’m fine. Just trying to get home…”  
  
“You’re lost?!”  
  
“Shush! It’s late, remember? And… if you wanna word it like that… then yes I’m lost.”  
  
Jeongin pouted. “I’m sorry… maybe one of my friends can give you a ride? He’s very sweet.”  
  
Blood rushed to his face. “No, no, couldn’t ask anyone to do that! I’m fine, honest. I’ll find my way home.”  
  
Minho’s heart slammed against his chest.  
  
”It’ll start pouring soon, though. Please?”  
  
Jeongin slightly pushed out his bottom lip. He’s used this same move to get what he wanted back at dance. It was (and still is) a move that no one can say no to.  
  
Minho darted his eyes away and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Uh— I don’t wanna imp—”  
  
“You won’t! He’s a kind person, his name is Woojin. We’re not _that_ close, him being a senior and all, but he’s close with my boyfriend, Hyunjin, so I’d definitely call him  my friend.”

_Take the offer._

_But what if he gets mad?_

_It’s_   _better than having no chance at a ride home. You know how mad ma must be already._

Minho nodded. “All right…”  
  
Jeongin gestured his head in the opposite direction and waved for him to follow.  
  
“I was going over there to see my friend Jeongguk-ah, he’s sleeping over there. He’s, like, best friends with Woojin hyung’s brother Taehyung-ah,” he smiled.  
  
“Sounds like a close relationship you guys have…”  
  
“Yeah, and they’re all super nice! Even if Taehyung-ah is a moron sometimes. Anyway, don’t worry, Woojin wouldn’t mind given you a ride home, he hardly sleeps anyway.”  
  
“Life of a high school student,” Minho joked.  
  
Minho felt the dark sting of panic crawl its way through his stomach and make a home in his throat. Whenever he wanted to ask a question he couldn’t find the words to form it.  
  
But the walk was silent for the most part.  
  
However, it wasn’t the peace and quiet you’d like on a car ride, but rather the silence you’d be forced into at a funeral.  
  
Minho was sure that he choked on the atmosphere that night. He clenched his fist unknowingly and was about to turn to Jeongin and make some excuse. He’d tell him that he can find his way back, _‘Oh! I remember what way I took!’_  
  
Or really anything to escape whatever this was.  
  
But then Jeongin spoke. “God, high school sucks ass!” He let out an exaggerated sigh. The chuckle that Minho gave in return (though forced) eased some tension.  
  
Jeongin started to speak about his classes and how hard it was to take English class. He mentioned that he only knows a few greetings and swear words and that’s about it.  
  
Minho laughed along when he was supposed to but he couldn’t deny that some anxiety was lifted.  
  
Sooner or later the two arrived at a baby blue house with a welcome mat and house plants placed meticulously around the porch.  
  
Jeongin made jokes about how Taehyung’s older brother Seokjin named all the plants when they were much younger.     
  
A broad teenager opened up the door. He had a full head of unkempt brown hair, and if Minho ever went out looking like that, his mom would never let him hear the end of it.

“Jeongin-ah!” The two hugged.

“Hey!” The way Jeongin smiled at the boy set Minho at ease, if only for a moment. He watched as the two embraced and shivered once the wind started picking up. When the two parted Jeongin latched onto the sleeve of Minho’s shirt and pulled him by his side.

Jeongguk’s smile fell for just a second. He took a quick glance at Jeongin and then grinned, though not as wide or as bright. The boy turned his whole body to Minho and his heart started racing in his throat.

“Hello, I’m Minho,” he bowed.

“Jeongguk,” the boy bowed back. He moved aside to let the two in and instantly pulled Jeongin away down a hallway to his left. Minho was left to stand there in the doorway of a stranger’s house with no sense of direction. He felt as though even breathing would be moving too much.

To pass his time and quell the ache in his chest, he looked at the photos on the wall. They were all family photos taken professionally from different parts of the world. They seemed to range in age too, as there was one photo with the wooden frame already starting to decay from stains smeared on it.

“Jeongguk-ah!”

Minho almost jumped at the sudden deep voice that came from the other end of the house.

“What?!”

“Who was at the door?!”

“Jeongin-ah, he brought a friend too!”

“What— you let a stranger into our house?!” The voice seemed to grow closer and Minho unconsciously took a few steps backwards towards the door.

A boy around the same age as Jeongguk came forward, he had red hair that hung lower around his eyes. He was so hyper focused that he almost walked right by Minho until he happened to gaze to his left.

The boy swallowed a bit and Minho thought it was in his best interest to introduce himself as to maybe lower the chances of getting the cops call him.

He stuttered a bit but soon got his feet on the ground. “My name is Lee Minho. Jeongin-ah found me out by the bus stop a little ways down and told me that someone named Woojin could give me a ride home!” He got that all out in one breath. “I… don’t suppose you’re Woojin?”

The boy before him squinted and just as soon as he was about to speak, a set of footsteps approached.

“No,” Minho recognized the voice as Jeongguk, “that’s his brother. Sorry I ran off on you, I just needed an explanation, this brat likes to do things on a whim.”

“Hey!” Jeongin tried to protest but the looks the other two gave him shut him up.

“Anyway,” the new boy begin, “I’m Taehyung, and my brothers are in the kitchen right about now. In all honesty I’m surprised they didn’t hear this and come wondering what the hell is going on.”

Minho’s face grew warm. “I— if it’s a bother, I can find my own way home—”

Taehyung waved him off. “Don’t bother, damage is already done. It’s not the end of the world anyway, I’ll go tell them.”

He practically skipped away, a complete one-eighty from how he moved just four minutes ago.

Minho then turned back to the two boys.

They waited there patiently in awkward silence, Minho knew that one of them should break the silence, he was just not going to be the one to do it.

“What year are you?” Jeongguk asked.

“Oh, I’m a junior, what about y—” just as the words were about to fall out, two men came back to the doorway.

One had black hair and was sporting a green face mask and pink pajamas, the other was in simple gray sweatpants and a sports shirt.

The one in gray yawned as he spoke. “Yeah, I can give you a ride, just be thankful our parents are out for a few days—”

“—and left me in charge!” The other interrupted them.

“Oh, shut up,” Taehyung laughed but was soon quieted when the one in pink smack him in the back of the head. “Ow, asshole!” Taehyung punched him in retaliation.

Minho chuckled quietly along with the two youngest. He then glanced up at the one in gray and watched as he grinned slightly.

“Shall we go? Oh! My name is Woojin by the way,”

Minho bowed. “Minho. Thank you again for doing this.”

He shrugged. “All in a day’s work!”

While the two brothers continued bickering, Jeongin and Jeongguk said their goodbyes, and suddenly he was out in the rain again. Before he knew it, he was in Woojin’s car giving away his address. This whole hour seemed to race by him in a matter of moments, and by the looks of it, time was just continuing to skip ahead. Minho tried to replay the events of tonight over in his mind, and though he got most of the details down pat, he still could not shake the feeling that all of this was a dream he’d wake up tomorrow and laugh about with his mom over breakfast.

On the subject of dreams, the next thing Minho knew was that he was being shoved awake in a car he vaguely remembered getting in.

His neck was lolled to the side and a line of drool running down his chin. The thing that got him up and alert was a deep chuckle that came from the left of him. He jolted up and saw someone who looked a little blurry from first waking up. The events of the night came rushing back, along with names.

_Kim Woojin._

The man in question smiled genuinely. “Is this your place?”

Minho whipped his head around to a dingy apartment building and shyly turned his head back. “Y-Yeah, thanks again.”

“No problem! Here’s my number,” he ripped a piece of paper off from a small notebook and handed it to Minho, “from the three minutes we talked, you seemed cool. I’d like to hang out again, just not at the ass crack of dawn.”

Minho blushed. “Thank you, I appreciate it. Have a good day,” he bowed his head quickly and raced out of the car and up to the front entrance of the nine story apartment building.

He thankfully lived on the first floor so he never had to take the stairs, the building had elevators, however they never actually worked.

Minho quickened his pace to the end of the hall and fumbled around with the keys, his hands were shaking.

“Please don’t be _too_ mad…” he whispered to himself while the door creaked open. The living room was dark and he let out a sigh of relief. He cautiously stepped out his boots when the light flickered on.

“ _Shit…”_

“Yes, young man, ‘ _shit’_ is right. Where were you?”

Minho’s face went red. “I— I went out for a walk,”

“Yes, but a _walk_ is not for three hours! You couldn’t pick up your phone— turn around a face me, Lee Minho.”

He grimaced. “Yes, ma.”

He turned around with a glowing shame as he saw his mom in a pink bathrobe and a complete devoid of any makeup. He bit the bottom of his lip but knew better than to look away from her.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“I— I don’t know…”

Her eyes went wide. “Young man that is no excuse. Do you know how scared I was?!” She leaned up against the wall and crossed her arms.

“I’m sorry…”

Lee Mija rolled her eyes. “Are you okay at least?”

Minho was quick to nod, he saw his mom’s face soften.

“You sure?”

He hesitated. The only thing that broke the atmosphere was his cat, Doongie, purring next to him.

Lee Mija tisked slightly. “I wish you would talk to me, tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

A chuckle came out of nowhere from inside Minho.

Lee Mija almost smiled. “What?”

“Are— Am I in trouble?”

She rolled her eyes, this time fondly. “I suppose not. First time offense gets off with a warning. Next time call me, okay? I don’t want you having an anxiety attack out alone.”

Minho watched as his mom started to put the pieces together.

“Did you have one?”

Minho bit his lip.

“Answer me, Minho.”

“Yes, mom.”

Mija’s arms fell from her waist and opened up into a hug. “Come on, sweetheart, hug it out.”

Minho genuinely smiled for the first time that night and went into his mother’s embrace.

“Are you okay?”

Minho shook his head. Mija kisses his forehead.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Once again, he shook his head. “No… but I was given a ride.”

Mija stepped back. “You let a stranger drive you home?!” Her curly black hair bounced with her tone rising.

“No!” Minho quickly shut that down. _I mean… if you wanna put it like_ that _then I sound irresponsible._ “He… is a friend.”

 _I mean, Woojin isn’t_ not _my friend. He gave me a ride home so we’re definitely not_ strangers. _‘Friend’ is a hard stretch, but like Jeongin said,_   _“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”_

Mija cocked her eyebrow. “Chan doesn’t drive.”

“I have other friends than Chan, ma.”

“Yoongi lives in Daegu and doesn’t have the energy to drive all the way here to help you. Same thing with the other boys,”

“I have other friends—”

“—no you don’t.”

“Do too!”

“Name _one_.”

“Jeongin.” Somehow this back and forth banter caused Minho to feel at ease. Maybe it was just a mother’s words that could calm a moody teenager, or maybe Minho just needed a hug.

Mija squinted. “The boy from dance class?”

Minho nodded.

“The one you ignored because you were too scared to go out and socialize beyond a structured event?”

“Yes— well, hey! No. That’s not what happened!”

“That’s what happened, sweetheart. And nevertheless, he’s too young to drive, so who brought you home?”

“His friend Jeongguk has a friend, Taehyung, and his brother Woojin brought me home.”

She pursed her lips. “Those were a _lot_ of names you just spouted out,” she sighed, “all right. It’s too late to argue anyway, get to bed, honey. Don’t,” she smacked his shoulder, “you _ever_ scare me like that again, you hear me young man?”

Minho grinned. “Yes, ma.”

Mija smiled and walked back to her room. Minho was left in the living room to stare at his three cats who were actually, for once, wanting attention.

“C’mon, guys,”

When Minho found himself situated, he checked his arm again for the number and pulled out the crumpled piece of paper.

_Maybe they’re not so bad._

Minho added their contacts, his heartrate started to rise. He hasn’t done this since he met Chan a few months back in an event he cares not to think about too much.

His phone only had a few contacts:

 

**Mom**

**School**

**Therapy**

**Channie hyung**

**Hoseok hyung**

**Jimin-ssi**

**Namjoon hyung**

**Yoongi hyung**

 

The last four were his friends from back in Daegu.

Minho took a breath.

 

**New contacts:**

**Jeongin-ah**

**Woojin hyung**

_Thank them, you’ll be an asshole if you don’t. Then again, they may think it’s weird for you to text them. But if you don’t, you may miss out on a chance for new friends. But do you really need more friends? Just text them thank you for fuck’s sake, Minho._

**To: Jeongin-ah**

_Thank you for getting me a ride home!_

**To: Woojin hyung**

_Thank you for driving me home at the ass crack of dawn. Seriously thank you._

He didn’t expect a response so soon.

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_welcome!! glad we got in contact again <3 _

**From: Woojin hyung**

_No problem. Anything to get away from my brothers. They’re a nightmare._

He sent one more message to them and felt a weird weight leave his shoulders.

When Minho tried (and failed) to sleep, he did the one thing he always knew to do: log onto Skype.

**~Calling Yoongi hyung~**

Less than a minute went by before Minho saw the grainy image of his close friend.

“Sleep.”

That was the first thing Yoongi said.

“Hi to you too, hyung,”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “You woke me up, brat,”

Minho shrugged. “You sleep too much to being with, at least that’s what Hobi hyung texts me.”

He saw Yoongi’s face flush at the name of Hoseok and grinned. “Aw, you still have your crush!”

“Suck. My. Dick.”

This was a conversation they had almost every night.

“I love you too!”

Minho saw the shitty image of Yoongi’s middle finger and laughed.

“Any reason you called me? Or was it just to annoy me.”

“No, actually, I have my reasons,” Minho leaned back in his chair and watched as Yoongi sat, impatient and tired. “I have a very interesting story for you,” he began.

It took about ten minutes to tell the story, not including all the minutes Yoongi and Minho got onto a tangent about a random point in the story. Neither were complaining, despite the time and the fact that both of them had school soon.

Yoongi and Minho were friends for over a decade, and for a long time it was just the two of them. Then Namjoon came along, then Hoseok. The four of them would rap together while skipping classes in the fifth grade. When middle school rolled around, they met Jimin and it was a locked group of friends, even with Jimin being a year younger than Minho, and the rest being a year older.

When news came that Minho had to move, it had been more than extremely hard.

It was a good thing the Internet existed or else Minho would probably walk to Daegu every weekend to see his old friends.

Nights like these where Minho just needed to vent were common, especially within the last month or so.

Minho had basically just finished the story when he heard a pounding on his window.

Yoongi chuckled. “You have a visitor.”

Minho cranked his neck around and walked over to his bed (almost stepping on Dori, his newest cat) and looked out of the window.

The face of his friend, Chan, smiled.

“Goddamn you,” he opened the window and Chan crawled in.

“ _Hello, Chris!”_ Yoongi spike in perfect English.

Chan lolled his head to the side. _“No one calls me Chris except my dad, Yoongi!”_ He slurred his words. He somehow mixed his native Australian accent with Korean when he drank, probably the only funny thing to come out of moments like these.

“Drunk again?” Yoongi phrased that question in a way that didn’t require an answer, Chan’s grin was all the answer he needed.

Minho patted Chan on the back and lead him to his bed where he put his head down, but Minho knew better than to assume he was asleep.

He made his way back to the desk where Yoongi was half asleep.

“I gotta go, hyung.”

Yoongi gave a half-smile. “I know, I know. Make sure he’s okay, yeah?”

“Always do.”

“Bye, dude.”

“See ya…”

Minho shut off his computer and the room was left in darkness. He sighed and went to turn on the lamp that was right by Chan’s face.

He flinched away from the light and buried his face in Minho’s pillow.

“Bright, Minho-ssi!”

Minho gave his best attempt at a smile. “I need to see, buddy.”

Chan laughed loudly, though the comment really wasn’t funny.

“Did you have another fight?” At this point, Minho stopped beating around the bush when it came to this.

Chan used his forearms to prop himself up and gave Minho and haphazard look. “Just a wee one, no worries!”

Minho pursed his lips like his mom did.

“You sure?”

Chan nodded several times, slowly, his eyes dropping. His forearms then gave out and he fell onto the bed.

Minho didn’t need to tell his mom that Chan was over, she was used to Chan sneaking over in the middle of the night (though she never knew the actual reasons).

He shut off his bedside lamp and got next to Chan, who immediately cuddled up next to Minho.

“Have sweet dreams, loser. You probably won’t even remember coming here tomorrow.”

Though Yoongi and Minho were _much_ closer, him and Chan were best friends, put simply. He loved Chan and would allow him to sneak away to come find him for solidarity. It was in the Best Friend Code.

Minho later awake for another half hour rethinking the entire night.

_Fucking hell. Holy fucking hell. Note to self, next time I wanna walk to clear my head: don’t. Okay, maybe it wasn’t all that bad— oh who are you kidding, you ruined everyone’s night. Fucking stupid. Just use a different coping skill next time. For your next therapy session, just tell Jeongyeon walking doesn’t help you anymore. Easy. Clearly it won’t do you any good to walk again, you made mom mad. You probably pissed Jeongin off._

Minho massaged his temples.

He was about to let his mind spiral when two more texts came in.

**From: Woojin hyung**

_Hey, I hope your mom wasn’t too mad! If she has any questions, she can talk to me. It wasn’t a hassle or anything so if she has any concerns again have her talk to me. Goodnight._

Minho felt a wave of _something_ come over him.

**To: Woojin hyung**

_Thank you so much again! Much appreciated, and she was upset but otherwise took it fine._

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_goodnight !! <3 sleep well _

**To: Jeongin-ah**

_Thank_ _you! You too._

Those texts were able to soothe his anxiety, even if it was only for a short while.

Minho looked over to his left to find Chan cuddling him like a madman.

“Oh you clingy koala,” Minho whispered.

 

_ May 18th, 2019: _

_I couldn’t describe the feeling I had that night, but I knew, somewhere deep down, that this would be an interesting school year ahead of me. I just didn’t know how right I was going to be._

 


	2. Blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if you’re sensitive to implied/referenced child abuse or implied/referenced uncomfortable sexual situations, don’t read.
> 
> Also, don’t read if you support OT8 or 2racha. Chan (the non-racist and loving man he is) plays a huge and significant role in this story, sorry. Support the comeback and don’t be a piece of shit to a man who did nothing wrong. Nine or none.
> 
> Chapter is based off of MONSTA X’s song Blind.

_ May 18th, 2019: _

_Not a lot was going on in my life at this time, as is quite evident, yet I somehow (and for some reason) was always able to carry the world’s problems on my shoulders. Crazy, right? I feel like your body is built to just take on more stress in your teenage years if that makes any sense._

_Anyway, September 10th was the day in which my monotonous day-to-day life began to change. It was a day that, clearly, stuck out to me, because I can remember basically everything about that day, from the weather to the clothes I wore._

_It had been raining that morning and Chan_

 

_ September 10th, 2015:  _

was snoring loudly into Minho’s ear. The monsoon outside and the thunderous sounds coming from his sleeping friend startled Minho awake from a dream that he was slowly losing the memory of.

Minho sighed and nudged Chan away from his body, so he could get to his phone. When he was doing that he also had to peel his eyelids open.

He checked his phone and saw that he still had five minutes before his alarm would go off. He sighed heavily when Chan let out another snore.

“That’s _it,_ ” he mumbled. Minho lifted his body up and heavily dropped himself onto his well-resting friend (knowing full well he’d have at least a small headache from last night.)

“GET UP YOU LAZY SHIT BUCKET THE WORLD IS TURNING WITHOUT YOU!”

Chan, being used to this, woke up calmly to this racket and slowly cracked open his left eye. Soon he draped his hand across Minho’s mouth.

“Shush, child. We don’t have anything important today,” he yawned and cracked his neck. Just as he was about to fall asleep, Minho held Chan’s face and shook him.

“We have school tod—”

“—fuck it’s Monday!”

At that, Chan quickly snapped his eyes open and shoved Minho to the side. He scrambled out of the bed (taking most of the sheets with him) and darted his eyes around the room.

“Not going to lie, I hardly remember coming here last night…” he sounded out of breath.

Minho gave him a pitiful smile. “I can imagine. You had a lot to drink last night, and now I’m just waiting for your headache to settle in,”

Chan chuckled. “Nah, that doesn’t happen until second period,” he fidgeted with his fingers for a moment. “Thanks for letting me stay. Again.”

“No problem.” There was more that Minho wanted to say, but now wasn’t the time.

Chan didn’t look at Minho as he started to look around for his bag.

“You left it by the window, hyung.” Something inside of Minho’s heart started to hurt, but still, he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

Minho was still in that state where the events of last night seemed to have never happened, so he didn’t think anything of it when he checked his phone.

**GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_So. Namjoon. That sonofabitch. He spilled water all over my fuCKING ESSAY!_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_Don’t listen to anything he says it was hobi not me_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_no it wasn’t you animals I was with yoongi_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Can confirm. He came over at like 7 pm and passed out an hour later._

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_Wild night y’all had_  

[ _read by everyone at 6:13 am]_

**From: Minho-ssi**

“ _Y’all”_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_HE LIVES_

_THE BABY LIVES_

_HE IS ALIVE_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_I_   _was gone for_

_14_

_Hours_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_14 hours without my love_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_gay_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_You’re gay_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Can confirm._

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Oh. Oh so what did you and Hobi hyung do for that hour before he fell asleep?_

_Huh?_

_[read by Yoongi hyung]_

_DONT LEAVE ME ON READ_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_tea._

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_He watched 5 Min Craft videos and tried to emulate them with paperclips._

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_No I didn’t!!!!!!_  

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Yes you did. I have a video of you trying to assemble something stupid with like thirty paperclips you borrowed from my brother_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_Why does he have so many paperclips?_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_SO HE CAN DO INSTAGRAM LIFE HACKS D U H_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Forget I asked._

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_G l a d l y_

_Anyway Minho-ah get ready school starts early for you_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Yes. I am aware of this fact._

_Why did you randomly remind me?_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_So we can make fun of you._

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_:D_

_WAIT_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_What?_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_WHAT ABOUT YOUR ESSAY JIMIN?!?!_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_Right._

_That._

_NAMJOON HYUNG YOU LITTLE SHIT BEST BELIEVE WHEN I SEE YOU AT THE BUS STOP IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Who are you calling little?_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Wow. Look who’s talking mister I’m 1cm taller than Jimin_  

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Shut it._

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_You can’t even reach my ass._

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_You say that now but watch when I bust out your kneecaps_

Minho rolled his eyes and went on with his morning routine.

His phone chimed again and his heart froze when he saw who the message was from.

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_morning man! maybe I’ll see you today at school._

Minho gulped.

_So. That wasn’t just a fever dream I had last night. Lovely._

**To: Jeongin-ah**

_Good morning, I hope to see you as well_

Minho clicked off his phone and let out a breath.

_God. Sweet merciful God. I know I only go to church twice a year but please, please, don’t let me see them God, I won’t be able to handle that._

If it wasn’t for Chan banging on the door, Minho probably would have spiraled into an endless loop of anxiety.

“C’mon, man! I gotta piss!”

About ten minutes later, the two boys sat on the rickety table that was about twenty-nine years old, and made small talk with Mija as they had peanut butter toast. Minho gave Chan one of his slices, it seemed like second nature to just _give him_ his food when he wasn’t particularly hungry. Or even when he _was_ hungry.

Minho just wanted to make sure his best friend was eating.

Minho stopped expecting Mija to be surprised that Chan wasn’t anywhere near the house all day long, and yet someone found his way to the breakfast table at least twice a week.

“How’d my kids sleep?” She smiled as she drank her coffee.

Both Chan and Minho mumbled that they slept well. Doongie and Dory kept climbing on Chan, and he subsequently started sneezing.

“God, I hate cats…”

“You can get out of my house if you’re gonna talk about my kids like that!” Minho smirked, this was a conversation they had every morning.

“Did Minho tell you about his ever exciting night?”

Chan eyes him. “He did not.”

Minho shot his mother a look. “I was planning on telling him _later, mother._ But I guess now is a better time than any.”

He shared in grave detail a night he can hardly believe was real himself. Chan kept butting in and asking questions, either ranging from serious _(“How long was your anxiety attack?”)_ to stupid _(“You took dance classes, how’d I not know you were gay?”)._

“—and then he says that I can get a ride from this kid, Woojin—”

 _“Woojin?!_ Like _Kim_ Woojin?!”

Minho stuttered. “I— I think so. Why? You know him?”

Chan flushed.

“Oh. Oh, you _know him all right_ ,” Minho smirked. Mija, who was in the kitchen, made kissing sounds. 

 _“Shut up!_ It isn’t like that. I’ve just seen him around— why did he say anything about me?”

Minho flat out grinned. “Didn’t mention you. However, it was very late when he gave me the ride home.”

“He actually _gave you_ the ride?” 

“Yeah, actually. _I know._ I couldn’t believe it either. Ma wasn’t too happy that I was out too late, though.” 

“Wha— you didn’t call her?”

“Nope! Not even a text.” 

“ _Minho-ssi!”_

Now it was Minho’s turn to flush. “And, I’ve apologized!”

They all chuckled.

“Best get going, boys. School starts soon and you’re not getting any younger,” Mija smiled.

“Yeah, c’mon, Chan,” Minho slung his bag over his shoulder and headed to the door.

“Bye, boys! Be safe!”

“Bye, ma, love you!” Minho called.

“Bye, mom, love you more!” Chan called, just a bit louder.

Thankfully the school was in walking distance, it gave Minho time to get his steps in and time to catch up with Chan, when he wasn’t drunk. It just sucked because it was still raining.

“Okay, serious time…” Minho began.

“Uh-oh.” Chan mumbled.

“Your night any good?” He asked even though he knew he wouldn’t get a straight answer. He never did.

Chan whistled. “You already know the answer to that.”

Minho bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah… wanna talk about it?”

“It’s fine, man, you know how it is sometimes, right? Parents and kids fight, no big deal,” he shrugged. 

“Did it—” _—get physical?_  

“—no. I left before anything happened.”

“That’s good…” 

Chan gave him a pity chuckle. “Least I didn’t get my face smashed in or anything!”

Minho tried to give Chan what he wanted, a laugh. Instead, he had to stop himself from scoffing.

 _That’s not funny, hyung._ That’s what he wanted to say. _Please don’t talk like that._

Of course he didn’t say anything.

The rain had cleared out by the time they got to school. The two sat outside and idly watched the other teens try to finish last minute homework before the start of the day came.

It was some other moments Minho could sit in silence and not have his mind wonder and never come back. 

When the bell did ring, much to everyone’s hatred, Chan and Minho said their goodbyes until lunch.

 

_ May 18th, 2019:  _

_I can’t remember too much of my teachers, not to say they weren’t important, they were very much, it’s just that they're not too important to this essay._  

_I had a few memorable teachers in my high school life, and some very funny stories, but none important enough to share. Sorry Professor Kang, maybe your story about Jaebeom and Hoshi throwing a textbook at the projector will get told another day._

_Anyway, I can’t remember the teachers, the classes, or the projects, but I can remember the immense loneliness I felt every hour of school._

_It truly felt like everyone in my classes knew. Knew what? I’m not sure._

_But they knew_ something. _Something that made them laugh at me whenever I dropped a pencil or got an answer wrong._  

 _It didn’t help that it was only the second week of school. I know some books say_ “Wow! That’s the best time to start a new school because everyone is trying to find their footing!” _No. No, you still feel like everyone has their own clique, because, in a way, they do. I even had my on ‘clique’ back in Daegu._

 _Wow. If it wasn’t for Chan, I don’t think I would have made it my first two_ days, _never mind weeks._  

_Meeting up for Chan every day was the greatest feeling._

_I do wish I had told him that._

_In all honesty, seeing him and sticking by his side was such a comfort to me that I took for granted. (Here’s a tiny small lesson for you, not the main one this essay is about:_ _Tell your friends you appreciate the small things they do for you_ _.)_  

_I’ll never forget running up_

 

_ September 10th, 2015:  _

Chan and hugged him tightly. The day had gone by relatively slow, but his mind was racing. Every minute was spent either going over the homework he had to do, the homework he _didn’t do,_ and the mistakes that Minho made last night.

“God, I hate English studies!” Minho sighed and quickly skimmed through his English book.

“Oh, come on! It’s not that hard of a language.”

“Easy for you to say, asshole! You grew up in Australia!”

“Fair point,” the two started walking down the hall scuffling by other teenagers, “so what’s the issue today?”

“The differences between _C.”_

“Like, the ocean?”

“No, the letter! But, _also_ the ocean, plus, it’s what people say when the want to express something they’re looking at. It’s all the _exact same_ sound! _C, sea, see._ It’s so confusing…”

Chan laughed as he skillfully weaved his way through the halls.

“It all makes sense with context, Minho-ah. That’s the key to learning any language, _especially_ English. There are so many words that are said the same but have completely different meanings,” 

Minho rolled his eyes, he had heard this statement before, not only from Chan himself, but several others. He gets the idea of English and its grammar, but there were so many rules to follow.

“I give up.”

“No, you don’t,” Chan smiled.

“Emotionally I do,” Minho glared at his friend as he slammed the book shut.

At that moment Minho watched as Chan ran face first into someone.

“Ahh— _fuck_! Sorry, man,” Chan seemed dazed for a moment and Minho went to his side.

“Oh— _it’s all right_!” The voice, panicked, said back and Minho’s heart froze. “Oh! Minho-ah! Nice to see you again!”

Minho looked at the person in question, and saw the face of Kim Woojin. For some reason Minho still wanted to pretend like the events of last night took place in a whole other world, but seeing Woojin made it all too real. 

He looked back to Chan who was staring back with his jaw slightly open and his face growing red. Chan was haphazardly rubbing his jaw when he took a shaky glance at Minho.

“Um,” Minho swallowed, “hi hyung. It’s nice to see you as well, this—this is,” he swallowed again and tightened his grip on his notebook, “this is my friend Chan.”

Minho averted any of their gazes.

“Oh I know Channie!” Woojin stood next to Chan and placed his arm over his shoulder. “We have History together. I didn’t know you two knew each other,” 

Chan’s ears looked like they were going to burn right off. “Yeah… yeah he’s,” Chan took a breath, “he’s my best friend!” He managed to smile. 

“Oh, sweet! Hey, you wanna sit with me and a few other friends at lunch? I never see you in the cafeteria and I need some normal people there I swear to god,” his smile was so genuine that it almost made Minho have a panic attack.

He looked over at Chan.

_‘Do you think we should?’_

Though their friendship hasn’t gone on for long, Minho and Chan were already able to communicate without words; side effect of spending almost every waking minute with your best friend. 

Chan pursed his lips and glanced at Woojin. 

 _‘Maybe…’_  

Minho then nodded his head at his friend.

_‘Do you want to?’_

Chan returned the motion.

_‘Do you want to?’_

“Um…” Woojin begin, “is this silent communication normal for you two?”

Chan simply nodded, he then put his hand over his heart.

_‘Is your anxiety under control?’_

Minho wanted to say it wasn’t, not in the slightest, but that would make Chan worry, and he could tell Chan wanted to sit with Woojin. 

So, Minho nodded. He then nodded his head towards Woojin.

_‘I’m fine. We can go eat with them.’_

Chan’s smile was so real full of life that Minho felt good inside. _It’s just one day. One lunch. I’m not gonna freak out._

After they got their food Woojin pointed at a table with two kids looking over books sat. 

“That’s where I sit, the two kids there are Changbin and Felix. Now,” he started walking, “Felix is from Australia and is staying for a year, and Changbin has been assigned to help him improve his Korean.”

“Oh, holy shit!” Chan grinned. “I’m Australian!”

Woojin laughed. “Knew it was a good idea to invite you guys!”

_He probably just wanted to invite Chan._

When the three reached the table Minho head the kid, presumably Felix, complaining that he couldn’t form a specific sentence.

“Sorry to interrupt but these two, Chan and Minho, will be joining us today.”

The two looked up. “Oh, so this is the Chan I always here about,” the kid, Minho presumed he was Changbin, smirked.

“ _Anyway,_ ” Woojin grinded his teeth, “introduce you yourselves, please.”

“I’m Changbin,”

Woojin and Chan sat down first, Minho followed their lead and waved at Changbin.

“Aren’t you the kid Woojin hyung drove home last night?” The kid was nudged by Changbin. “Oh, yeah, I’m Felix,” he smiled.

_Wonderful! Woojin hyung told everyone._

Minho nodded.

“God, he’s so nice,” Felix fawned from across the rather large circular table.

“Oh, stop it you,” Woojin played along. “Anyway, Chan and you have something in common! You two are both Australian!”

At that Felix’s eyes went wide. He smacked his hands on the table.

_“You’re from Australia?!”_

_“Yeah, man! Moved here to Korea when I was thirteen!”_

_Okay, you know the words thirteen, Korea, and from._

_“Awesome, man! I’m just here until July actually, but it’s so nice here.”_

_“I know right?!”_  

The two smiled and went on talking about their home country while Minho silently wrote down all the English words he could pick up on.

Three minutes passed, and he only started digging into his lunch, whereas Chan had already scarfed down his. When no one was looking, Minho put half of his food on Chan’s tray.

Minho took a moment to look at the two kids. Felix’s hair was a darkish red and his uniform looked a size too big on him. Changbin has a long face and several earrings, Minho took him as the type to still being in their emo phase, but his giggles completely threw Minho for a loop.

When all was starting to get calm, two people slammed down at the table.

“I fucking hate your brother!” 

Minho jerked his head to his right and saw Jeongin and another kid sit down. The other kid looked only a little younger than Minho himself. He had light brown hair and wore a bright colored sweater. When they sat down there was still some space for people between Jeongin and Minho, but the rest of the table was almost full.

He gripped the hem of his shirt, big crowds were never good on Minho, but somehow he was managing pretty well.

“What did he do now?” Woojin rolled his eyes. “And, why aren’t you sitting with him?”

“Him, some girl named Mina, and Jeongguk-ah aren’t coming to lunch for like a month, they have to clean up Professor Park’s room.”

Everyone glanced at Jeongin.

“Oh, hey Minho hyung! Glad you’re actually _in_ the lunchroom and not just eating in the library with him,” he nodded his head towards Chan. “Sorry, I never got your name.”

“Hi, I’m Chan,” he smiled.

Jeongin looked up and Woojin and winked.

“ _Anyway,_ ” Woojin coughed, “what did they do now?”

The kid next to Jeongin sighed. “He and the two others blew up their science project. Oh,” he looked at Chan and Minho, “I’m Seungmin.” 

Chan and Minho waved.

“Are you _kidding me_?” Felix sighed as he drank his milk.

“I wish I was. It was Taehyung-ah’s idea too!”

“Fucking idiot,” Woojin sighed.

While they continued sharing stories and laughing, Minho leaned over to Chan.

“They’re not even questioning why we’re here…” 

“Eh,” Chan shrugged, “it’s nice just to feel included, y’know?” 

Minho nodded. “I guess so…” 

Minho kept his head down and absentmindedly picked at his food while Seungmin and Felix poked fun at each other.

He kept taking glances at everyone to see if they were looking at him, and of course they weren’t. He was just starting to relax (again) and take in the environment when another body flung itself next to him.

“No matter what Jisung-ssi says, he’s a filthy liar,” the person sat down and put his arm around Jeongin.

Changbin rolled his eyes. “What did you do?”

“ _I_ didn’t do _anything,”_  

“Yes you did,” Woojin piped in. 

“It’s always your fault,” Seungmin sighed and didn’t even pay the new kid a glance. 

“You don’t even know the story! Jeongin, _my love_ ,” no one missed how Jeongin shied away and looked down, “ _apple of my eye,_ you believe that I didn’t do anything, right?”

Jeongin chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t even know what happened, but I’m sure you were at fault.” 

The kid placed his hand over his heart.

“Betrayed. By my boyfriend no less, I suppose we must break up now.”

Jeongin laughed and held the hand that was over his shoulder.

“Last time you two ‘broke up’ it lasted _maybe_ thirty-seven seconds. _Maybe,_ ” Changbin rolled his eyes.

“Irrelevant,” the kid scoffed. He then smiled and squeezed Jeongin’s hand.

“So,” Jeongin chuckled breathlessly and playfully shoved the kid, “what happened?” 

The kid was about to explain his story when he finally seemed to notice Chan and Minho. Minho noticed that the new kid was _attractive._ He had seen him in the halls before, he first saw him politely turn a girl, Victoria, down.

Minho now finally got the hype around Hwang Hyunjin.

“Okay, so, I know everyone at this table except for you two, so either Woojin hyung invited you here, or you’re figmints of my imagination, both very sincere options.”

“Oh, for the love of god,” Woojin shook his head, “I invited them.”

“I’m Chan.” 

The kid glanced at Woojin and winked. Woojin flipped him off.

The kid then looked over at Minho, who was about to speak, when his throat closed up.

“And, this is Minho-ah,” Chan laughed and started to rub circles on his back. “He’s my best friend.”

“Ah, all right,” he smiled, “I’m—”

“—Hyunjin you motherfucker!”

The kid’s eyes went wide. “Again, _filthy liar.”_  

Everyone looked over at the newest kid to walk into the cafeteria, one with dark colored hair. Minho squinted at the stomping boy.

_Is that paint?_

“Jisung-ssi! Buddy,” Hyunjin scooted to his right, “take a seat next to our new friend Minho,” he grinned.

The newest kid seemed to pay no mind to Chan and Minho as he took his seat. He faced Hyunjin and violently pointed to his hair.

“ _This,”_  he waved his hand around, “ _was not funny.”_  

“What… what happened?” Felix asked.

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know!”

“I think we all would,” Seungmin giggled.

Hyunjin couldn’t hold it in anymore and started hysterically laughing. “I’m sorry— I’m sorry,” he wheezed, “it’s not funny. It’s fucking hilarious!” 

“Do I even _want_ to be included on this joke?” Jeongin shook his head.

“Why don’t _you_ tell them what happened?” The new kid snapped his neck to Hyunjin.

It took a moment for Hyunjin to calm himself.

“So,” he let out his last giggle, “you guys were right not to believe me earlier. Do you all remember when he texted the chat yesterday and said he wanted to dye his hair blue?”

“Oh my sweet fucking Christ,” Seungmin sighed.

“He gave me a ‘preview’ of what it’ll look like,” the kid said as he picked at the now drying dark blue hair.

Felix tried to hide his laughter by drinking milk, but it only made me spit it out. “Oh god,” he breathed, “that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year! Holy shit,” he laughed.

“Oh. Oh, you think this is funny?”

Felix nodded, his face red.

“Just wait till our birthday outing and I’ll get my revenge.”

“Oh, god,” Seungmin sighed, “the birthday outing.” 

Minho was confused as to why the conversation about the new kid’s blue hair seemed to abruptly end. Everything about this group of kids seem to be the physical evidence of ADHD. However, a weird part of him didn’t seem to get anxious at the constant noise. There was still the longer anxiety, yes, but it didn’t escalate, at least not for the moment.

He looked to Chan, but when he saw the everpresent fond grin as he watched them, he chose to not pester him with any remarks.

“C’mon, you’re celebrating your birthday with Felix hyung and Jisung hyung, what’s not to like about that?” Jeongin asked. 

“Exactly what you said.”

“All right, then we just won’t take you out,” Changbin shrugged.

Seungmin whipped his head up. “I didn’t say that!”

Changbin smirked.

The new kid glanced at Chan and Minho and looked to Felix.

“That’s Chan and Minho,” Changbin said casually.

“Oh, _Chan,_ ” Jisung looked over at Woojin who sent him back a glare. Minho watched Chan’s face turn red. “And, um, you’re the kid Hyung drive home last night?”

Minho’s face lit up. He then noticed how close him and this new kid were and his heart started pounding. 

“Oh, cool,” Jisung smiled. “I’m Jisung!” Minho noticed that he only really introduced himself to Minho, he figured it was because Chan was already back to talking to Woojin. 

“I’ve seen you around before, aren’t you always in the library?” 

Minho nodded. 

“Well, I’m glad you chose us to hang out with,” he grinned. 

Minho cracked a tiny grin and looked down. Instead of speaking, he just nodded again.

“So, about the birthday outing,” Hyunjin started and everyone looked at him. “Bowling, pizza _at_ the bowling alley, and then whatever, and then sleeping at my place still sound good?” 

Everyone nodded.

“Hey,” Felix looked over at Chan and Minho. “You guys can come to if you want!”

“Yes— Yeah, definitely,” Jisung turned to look at them. “You guys seem cool.”

_You’ve known us for four minutes._

“And, _calm_ ,” Seungmin added, “I need more people like you two to come, I wouldn’t be able to handle an outing with just these losers,” Seungmin laughed as Jeongin hit his shoulder.

Everyone seemed to collectively agree that this was a good idea.

Minho turned to Chan. It wasn’t that Minho never went to birthday parties, it’s just the last one he went to was when he was eight and it was at a park. His anxiety hadn’t settled with him yet.

_‘Do you want to?”_

Chan shrugged.

 _‘It couldn’t hurt, and it could be fun.’_  

Minho sucked in his lips and touched his heart.

_‘What if I panic?’_

“Um…” Changbin began. “Is this normal for them?”

“Evidently so…” Woojin shrugged.

Chan waved his hand.

‘ _I’ll keep an eye out for you, don’t worry.’_

Minho cocked his eyebrow. 

_‘Promise?’_

Chan smiled.

_‘I never break my promises!’_

Minho puckered his lips and then glanced at everyone at the table. If he was with Chan, he could, in theory make it through.

_‘Okay.’_

“We’d love to come!” Chan announces and everyone smiled.

“Sweet, just make sure you get the blue out of your hair before Friday.”

Jisung rolled his eyes. “Very funny, dick.”

“Um, if you don’t mind me asking,” Chan piped in, “why are you guys having a ‘birthday outing?’”

“Right,” Hyunjin chuckled, “it would help if we explained that. Basically Felix-ssi, Jisung-ssi, and Seungmin-ah all have their birthdays this month, and instead of having three parties, we’ll just have one.” Hyunjin smiled and rubbed Jeongin’s arm.

“Basically, they’re just really cheap,” Felix bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing.

“And that,” Changbin nodded.

The conversation seemed to settle down as lunch was starting to end. They seemed fine with the fact that they just invited two (for the most part) strangers into their plans. Minho wondered if they would have done this if they had been any other people. 

Felix then looked to Chan and asked him something in English. The only word Minho picked up on was ‘Korean’ and ‘you.’

Chan laughed and responded. Seungmin was able to add a few things to their conversation.

“Do you have any idea what they’re saying?”

Minho jumped as a presence to his right got much closer. He turned and came face to face with Jisung. He felt his palms get sweaty.

“I’m at a literally loss with English,” Jisung smiled. 

“Yeah… yeah, me too. I’m having a lot of trouble in my English studies class.” Minho swallowed dry. 

Jisung laughed at his statement, though Minho was unsure what was particularly funny about it. He felt a very extroverted aura from Jisung, one that Hoseok had when they first met. He noticed that both Jisung and Hoseok had the same smile, and something in him calmed when we realized that.

Jisung went on laughing on how he failed one of his tests because he slept through it, and Minho nodded along every now and then.

When the bell rang, everyone stood up and said their goodbyes.

“Oh! You two,” Felix grinned, “we need your numbers.” 

Minho looked down and took a deep breath. For some reason, sharing contact information always bothered him.

“It’s all right, I have Minho hyung’s number, and I’ll ask him for Chan hyung’s number.” Jeongin piped him and started walking away, secretly holding onto Hyunjin’s hand so no teacher caught them.

“Well, we’ll see you guys later!” Chan waved goodbye and Minho followed close behind him.

When they were away from them, Minho started to brighten up.

“I can’t believe we _actually_ made plans,” he sighed.

“I _know_ ! I can’t believe you _agreed_ to it no less,” Chan laughed and Minho rolled his eyes.

“Fuck off,” Minho rolled his eyes. “You sure your mom and dad are gonna be okay with this?”

Chan scoffed. “ _Bold of you_ to assume they’ll even know about this. I’ll just say I’m hanging out with you. Not like they’ll say no.”

Minho looked down and nodded. For some reason Chan’s parents always took a liking (even though it was a small one) to Minho, and that made him want to vomit every time he thought about it.

The rest of the day passed by as usual, except for the fact that Minho had a slight buzz in his body.

He thought about his therapy session coming up, and though he once hated it, he’s now found a new love for seeing Jeongyeon once a week. His mind bounced through several ideas as to how he’d tell her all that’s happened in the past few days and what’ll inevitably take place.

His anxieties were all spilled out during lunch, and even though he knew he’d overthink the party until the day it happened, moments of clarity like this were more than welcomed.

When school ended Chan and Minho said goodbye to everyone as they all did things after school. Jisung was more than excited to tell Minho that him and Changbin started an after school rap club, Minho just smiled at his wide eyed face.

Hyunjin, Felix, and Jeongin all did dance, and Woojin, and Seungmin did choir. 

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_can I get Chan hyung’s number please ?_

**To: Jeongin-ah**

_554-3983_

_And thanks again for inviting us_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_no problem! you guys can sleep over too if you want but that’s up to you_  

_Hyunjin hyung’s mom and dad are. S. O. nice! i know they’ll be fine with it_

**To: Jeongin-ah**

_We’ll think about it_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_:)_

Texts from everyone simply stating _‘hey!’_ started rolling in on Minho and Chan’s phone.

The two friends walked home together, Minho always walking Chan to his house, even when he didn’t want him to. You had to pass by Minho’s house to get to Chan’s and the blond always said it wasn’t worth it, Minho disagreed heavily with that argument.

Chan was bubbly and talking about everyone as though Minho was not there to meet them with him.

His attitude changed once they got on his street. It didn’t change much, but Minho saw the way he walked slower and put his hands in his pockets. 

When they reached Chan’s house, Chan cracked his neck. 

“Come over when you need to, or even if you just wanna hang out. I just bought Bloodborne remember.” 

Chan gave a half smile. “I always do.” 

They reached the front door and Minho was the one to knock.

It only took a minute for Chan’s mother and dog to come to the door. His dog, Berry, barked at the sight of Minho and ran up to him. 

“Hey, Buddy.”

He then made eye contact with Chan’s mom and bowed. “Hello, Miss.” 

“Minho-ah,” she greeted. “I’m glad to see you’ve returned my son once again.” 

“I’m sorry I left—”

 _“—save it, Christopher,_ ” Minho flinched when he heard the English, “just come in and go to your room before your father gets back.”

“All right, mom,” Chan hung his head low. He picked Berry and stepped into the house. Before the door closed he turned to Minho and gave him a small wave. “Bye, man,”

“See ya…”

The door closed and Minho felt the same as a kid who broke their parent’s priceless vase.

He knew in his heart that he could interfere, and he’s thought over what would happen if he did, but he never let himself really _ponder_ that _._  

To calm him he checked his group chat.

**GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_How much time would I get for murder?_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_W-Why?_  

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_He forgot to study for the test_

_Him and Yugyeom-ah and freaking out_

**From: Jimin-ssi**  

_Good job._

_at least your teacher didn’t give you ONE DAY to make up your essay._  

 _Namjoon._  

 **From: Yoongi hyung**  

 _Bitch dropped the hyung._  

_Damn._

**From: Namjoon hyung**  

_I SAID SORRY!!!!!_

_You said some girl Irene would help you rewrite it anyway!_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_S T I L L_

_[read by everyone at 1:37 pm]_  

They were always there as a destresser. 

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Guys._

_GUYS._

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Hmm?_

**From: Hoseok hyung**  

_tea?_

**From: Minho-ssi**  

 _Kinda_  

 **From: Jimin-ssi**  

 _Ooooooo_  

 **From: Minho-ssi**  

 _I got invited to hang out with people for their birthday_  

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_OOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_MY BABY_

_MY SON_

_AHHHHHH!!!_  

_YOURE GROWING UP!!_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_That’s awesome :)_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!_

**From: Namjoon hyung**  

_By who???_

_Also that’s great_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Some kids at school. They seem super cool._

Minho then went on telling them exactly what happened. Minho didn’t even realize the smile on his face until his cheeks started hurting. 

Yoongi said that Hoseok genuinely laughed so hard he snorted when Minho told them about Hyunjin pouring paint on Jisung’s head. 

 **GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**  

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_I’m so happy for you_

_My son_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_He is_

_M Y_

_S O N_  

 **From: Jimin-ssi**  

_gay_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_You’re gay_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_Amen._

**From: Minho-ssi**  

_Amen? More like 20 men_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_Got em._

When Minho got home, he told his mom everything.

Lee Mija shook her head in confusion. “I’ll never understand you, angel. Never. First you’re terrified to make friends, and now you’re hanging out with _eight_ people for a whole day and possibly the night. I’ll never understand you teens.”

“You were my age a little less than twenty years ago,” he laughed and his mom rolled her eyes. 

Still, Lee Mija bit her lip as she smiled. She went over and kissed his cheek several times.

“Onto other news,” her smile fell a little, “how is my other son?” 

Minho took a breath. “He’s okay. His dad wasn’t home thankfully.” 

“Jiae still a bitch?”

He chuckled dryly. “Yup.” 

Mija sighed and went over to pet Soonie. She stroked her head with the same gentleness she would wipe away any tears on Minho’s cheeks from when he was a kid. Mija was silent for a moment but he knew she was thinking about Chan. It was written on her face. 

When Chan wasn’t around Mija always worried about him and she just knew the half of it.

“Well, when he’s an adult he can come live with us.” That wasn’t a question. “Unless it’s getting physical over there,” she shot him a gaze, “then we’d have to do something right now.” 

There was a pause.

Minho then realized she was waiting for a response. A bead of sweat rolled down his neck. 

“No. They’re just assholes.”

Minho knew she wanted to press further, but she didn’t. He always wondered _why_ she didn’t though. Minho was always one to crack under pressure, especially from his mom. Maybe she was scared to hear an actual truth that may cause her to never see Chan again. Maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything. 

“All right,” she looked down. “Well, invite him over for dinner tonight, please.”

Minho knew Chan wouldn’t be allowed to come over after nights where he left, still Minho smiled like there was some hope. “I will.”

“What do you want to eat? I can order out tonight, but we won’t be able to do that again until next month.”

Minho shook his head. “I’ll just have cereal, I ate a lot at lunch today anyway.”

Maybe that was a small lie.

Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “All right, angel,” she kissed his forehead. “And have fun with these new friends of yours. Are you gonna sleep over what’s-his-name’s?” 

“Hyunjin’s?”

Mija shrugged. “If that was his name, you spouted out a lot.”

“Yeah, I think you’re talking about him. And, if I’m feeling up to it, can I?”

Mija’s eyes went wide. “You now wanna sleep over too,” she placed her hand on his forehead, “who are you and what did you do with my son?”

Minho laughed but said nothing, because he didn’t really _have_ an answer. _What_ had _happened?_ One week ago Minho would have cried at the thought of spending a night away from home, and now he was genuinely considering spending the night with people he didn’t really know?

 _Maybe in some weird way I’m supposed to be friends with them._ He thought absentmindedly. 

“If we’re not ordering, I’ll try and find work. Don’t throw any wild parties while I’m gone!”

Mija had a day job where she worked at a restaurant, but she worked odd jobs here and there. Some nights she would come home with oil all over her from fixing the neighbor’s cars. Other nights she’d come home in a tattered dress with her makeup smeared. He had his suspicions about what she did, but he never let himself think too much about it.

“Oh, I will. Bring every drug imaginable,” he only laughed at his own comment because his mom laughed.

“Well, at the rate you’re making friends, I don’t know if I should be genuinely concerned about that statement or not.”

Minho winked.

Four hours passed and she left in a tight black dress and a small pepper spray bottle. When she kissed him goodbye there was a dark purple lipstick mark on his forehead.

That night he sat on his bed and watched YouTube on TV while eating cereal.

His phone chimed. 

**From: Jisung-ah**

_Hey!!! Glad you’re coming :)_

For some reason he had a hard time swallowing his spoonful of cereal. 

Minho’s hands shook as he typed out a reply.

**To: Jisung-ah**

_Thank you!_  

 _I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun_  

Minho felt a wave of ease come over him.

**From: Jisung-ah**

_:)_

He was starting to get invested in the newest episode of _Weekly Idol_ when his phone went off again. 

**From: Channie hyung**

_Fuck homework, man._

**To: Channie hyung**  

_I feel that._

_Wanna come over for dinner?_

**From: Channie hyung**

_Ooooh. What are we having?_

**To: Channie hyung**

_Cereal._

**From: Channie hyung**  

_Tasty._

_But, alas. I cannot. I will not subject myself to eating two week old cereal_

**To: Channie hyung**

_It’s a dry product it’s f i n e_

**From: Channie hyung**

_ew._

**To: Channie hyung**

_Is that the only reason?_  

 **From: Channie hyung**  

_Well that and Jiae and Jinsun are about to nail my window shut if I leave again_

**To: Channie hyung**

_You don’t leave through your window unless… well that one time_

**From: Channie hyung**

_I know! They think I can only escape this Victorian dumbass weirdly placed house o n e way._

**To: Channie hyung**

_You have several escapes_

**From: Channie hyung**

_DAMN RIGHT I DO!_

_Nothing can keep me from you, baby._  

**To: Channie hyung**

_;)_

_Okay now in all seriousness_

**From: Channie hyung**

_Uh-oh_

**To: Channie hyung**

_Did it… escalate?_

**From: Channie hyung**

_Define escalate_  

**To: Channie hyung**

_Do you need the hospital? Or child services?_  

**From: Channie hyung**

_No! No no no!!! It’s fine, Minho-ah._  

_None of that please._

_I’m fine._

_It didn’t get bad._

_Okay we made a deal and that deal is still going. Remember the deal?_

How can Minho forget. That deal that made it so that he can only get real help involved when he needs to go to the hospital.

His heart sank when he remembered the night he made that stupid fucking promise. 

Even though a dark part of his mind was glad he did. Excuses help ease the current anxiety. Sweeping it all up under the rug with excuses makes it out of sight.

 _Out of sight out of mind._  

His hands were steady as he responded.

**To: Channie hyung**

_I do, hyung. I do._

_Are you okay?_

**From: Channie hyung**  

_Yeah!!_

_I’m okay. I’ll see you at school tomorrow I love you goodbye_

**To: Channie hyung**

_I love you too._

Minho felt this every present guilt that he simply chose to look away from.

_Out of sight out of mind._

But the _feeling_ was still there.

He kept seeing notifications for his group chat go off, Jimin and Hoseok were talking about their night, but Minho couldn’t bring himself to respond.

He laid down and left his bowl on the nightstand.

 **To: Channie hyung**  

_You sure you’re okay?_

**From: Channie hyung**

**[CHANNIE HYUNG SENT A PHOTO]**

It was a photo of him and Berry in a room smiling. The floor he was sitting on was white. Almost like a tile. 

_He has a rug on his floor, doesn’t he? Well, I mean, I haven’t been there in a while, maybe he got rid of it?_

**To: Channie hyung**

_Okay. You proved it._

_You’re okay._

**From: Channie hyung**

_:)_

It was nearing three in the morning when Lee Mija came home. He saw his mom through the door crack as she made her way down the hall, the pepper spray had fallen out and either she didn’t see or she didn’t care.

Minho tried not to notice how the pepper spray had its cap taken off.

He had a dreamless sleep that night.

 

_ May 18th, 2019:  _

_If I had known that Chan locked himself in the bathroom that night because he didn’t feel safe in his room with no lock… well. I’m not sure I know what I would have done._

_No kid should be put in that situation. And, I don’t resent Chan for making me make that promise. I get where he was coming from, I just wish I did more for him. I still kick myself every single day that I didn’t help him._

_If I had known what job my mom did on some nights, again… I don’t know what I would have done. Even though I had my therapist, I was scared to tell her everything._

_Here’s another little mini lesson:_ _Don’t be scared to ask for help._ _I wish I had known that._


	3. Moonchild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTS World? New Monsta X music? New SKZ, Idle, and Red Velvet comeback? GOT7 in America? Am I dreaming?
> 
> Chapter based off of Moonchild by BTS’s RM (Rap Monster for you degenerates).

_May 19th, 2019:_

_Going into the specifics of every single day leading up to the party would take_ way too long _and be_ way too boring. _I know this because I already_ tried _that and even I was wishing I could fast-forward._  

 _And, there wasn’t a_ lot _that happened in those days. Nothing that stands out at least._

 _Chan was on the quieter side for a few days, I can’t say why_ now _, but you’ll know soon. I kept asking if he was okay, and he kept giving me a forced smile saying he was. I didn’t want to press for more information because I was scared to hear the truth._

_Chan and I got closer to the group, not significantly, we did only talk at lunch, but I found myself getting more comfortable with them. They were very friendly guys who just naturally included Chan and I into their conversations. Still, I didn’t really want to sleep over Hyunjin’s house, but I knew Chan did, and I knew Chan wouldn’t if I wasn’t there. He always liked to pretend that he didn’t have anxiety, but you didn’t need a polygraph test to prove he was lying._

_When Friday came, I had my therapy appointment and then Woojin came to pick Chan and I up from there and the night would begin._  

_Chan walked me to my first therapy session and has yet to stop. I always thought therapy was just the worst thing imaginable, but actually, it’s really not and works well when you have the right connections._

_It was a normal session for the first half hour, and I was trying to find the perfect time to slip in my plans, but Jeongyeon wanted to talk about my mom and I’s relationship._

_With Jeongyeon I was always a bit more abrasive, and I was less afraid to advocate for myself (that still didn’t mean I told her everything)._

_The moment I had finally found my chance to slip in my plans she_

 

_ September 14th, 2015:  _

went agape for a moment. “You… you’re not shitting me?”

Minho smiled and shook his head.

“This isn’t one of your bullshit moments where instead of a ‘party,’ you actually mean that you and Channie are building pillow forts and watching Frozen?”

“Nope. An actual _party_ with more than just Chan!” Jeongyeon didn’t care too much if Minho used honorifics around her. “Even though the night we watched Frozen was _awesome_!” 

Jeongyeon relaxed in her chair and nodded. “I know. You didn’t shut up about it for a while session.”

Minho faked a hurt gasp. “Are you upset that I’m _sharing_ my life with you?!”

Jeongyeon nodded. “Yes. As your therapist I am so horribly mad at you that you are opening up to me?” She smirked. “How dare you?”

Minho flushed. “I’m actually excited in a way.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah! This the first time in months I’ll be out with a group of people, it’s weird.” 

“How’s your anxiety?” 

“Oh, that’s terrible!” Minho laughed. “I’m still scared shitless that something will go wrong. I’m not sure _what,_ but something.”

“Well, you’re assuming the worst, Minho-ah, I'm sure it’ll be fine. Do your Daegu boys know about this?”

Minho nodded. “Yeah! They were really proud of me.” 

“ _I_ am proud of you, Minho. You deserve to have a fun night out. Channie will be there so you have someone to ground you. You’re gonna be okay.”

Minho nodded, a part of him actually believed her. 

“Do you remember what to do if your panic starts to rise?”

“Take five deep breaths and focus on my surroundings.”

“Perfect! Wow, you don’t even need me,” she smiled. “And, what are you gonna focus on?”

“When I’m starting to panic I’ll look around the room I’m in and name every color I can see. If that doesn’t work I’ll tell myself what I’m sitting or standing on.”

“You’ve got it! I hope you have a good time, Minho-ah. You and Channie deserve to have fun. How is he doing, anyway?”

Minho instantly got hot. “H—He’s all right. Had a fight with his parents.”

She raised her eyebrows. “What happened?”

“Oh, nothing! He just got a bad grade on his test and his dad wasn’t happy, so they had a little fight.” 

_Excuses help calm the current anxiety._

Jeongyeon nodded. “You know if something else happened, you can tell me, right?” 

“Yeah, yeah! Of course. It was nothing bad, promise.” 

Jeongyeon bit her bottom lip. “All right, I won’t press,” she looked him up and down, “but never be scared to help a friend; even if you don’t think it’s _‘help’_ at the moment.”

“Duly noted. I love Chan.”

“I know you do.”

When the session ended Chan and Minho anxiously waited at the curb. Neither of them really said anything, say for Chan asking how the session ended.

Minho could almost smell the fear coming off of Chan; though he tried to pretend that he’s social and extroverted (to his credit, to an extent he is), he still has the same level of anxiety every teenager has. No matter how hard anyone likes to pretend, every teen, and for that part, _adult,_ is nervous about going to a party.  

Still, this realization that his new-found friends who were on their way were also nervous didn’t help his own worries.

Chan took a breath. “We’re finally going to a party with the cool kids,” he chuckled.

Minho laughed. “I wouldn’t exactly call them ‘cool,’ you know Felix plays Minecraft, right?”

His friend smiled, one that actually reached his ears. “You make a compelling argument. Hyunjin is pretty cool, though.”

“Plus he’s hot,” the both of them laughed.

“You got a crush on him or something?” 

Minho flushed. “No! He’s just _very_ attractive, and he has Jeongin, and they’re adorable. Why, do _you_ have a crush on him?”

Chan smirked and shook his head. “Not my type.”

“Is your type older guys with the last name Kim?”

Chan eyed him. “I don’t have a crush on Woojin’s older brother Seokjin.” 

After a moment the two of them started laughing. “Nice dodge, hyung.”

The air around them calmed down and when Woojin’s van came around the corner, Minho felt as though maybe the night would go okay; maybe he’d have genuine fun.

The car came to a halt and Woojin rolled down the passenger window, peering down the two could see he was wearing a ridiculous pair of sunglasses. 

Woojin smirked. “Adults ride up front, I saved the shotgun seat for you, Channie!” 

There was a ting of panic when Minho realized he wouldn’t be next to Chan.

_It’s okay. It’s okay, he’s still in the same car as you. It’s okay, Minho._

Soon Minho made his way to the back of the van, he was on the right of Hyunjin, and Jeongin was on the opposite end. Minho made a headcount and realized they were missing one. Jisung.

_Today is his actual birthday and he’s not even in the car?_

Thankfully Chan had brought up that point first so Minho didn’t have to. Woojin responded with: “Jisungie likes to pretend he’s cool, he is not, and he wants to be picked up last.”

Something felt off to Minho, but he chose to keep it to himself, instead he chose to listen to the banter going on between the group of friends. 

Jeongin and Hyunjin didn’t say much, but they held hands and the younger rested his head on the other’s shoulder. 

“God,” Seungmin begin. “This is gonna be a long ass night.” 

“Okay, Seungminnie, guess we’ll just let you off,” Changbin turned to face him, arms crossed. There was this knowing smirk to his face like this was a conversation they had often. 

Seungmin remained quiet and gazed out the window. 

Felix was sat in the middle of them playing his DS, a device Minho thought went out of style a year ago. He seemed to be playing MarioKart and was so into it that he moved the entire system as he turned. Minho also happened to notice the gaze Changbin was giving him as a small smile played on his lips. 

Woojin and Chan were speaking quietly, whispering and giggling like schoolgirls.

“So, hyung,” Jeongin began, “how was therapy?”

“Yeah,” Felix chimed in, it was still strange for Minho to hear an Australian-Korean accent from someone that wasn’t Chan, “did ya cry out all your feelings?” He was promptly smacked in the arm by Changbin.

“Don’t just _say_ something like that!”

“I didn’t know how to ask it in a nicer way in Korean, Jesus!” Felix said, his attention still more on the game. “I just wanna know how our friend’s mental state is.” 

Minho focused his gaze at anything that wasn’t other people.

“God, don’t say it like that,” Hyunjin sighed, “you sound like a fucking serial killer.” 

“No, no,” Minho gave a dry chuckle, “it’s fine. It was fine. Same old, same old.”

“That’s good!” Jeongin lifted his head to give his full attention to Minho. “I’m glad you’re doing well, and I’m glad you decided to come along, you and Chan!” He has to say that part a little louder so Chan could hear (he didn’t, still wrapped up in his conversation with Woojin).

Minho nodded and looked down at the floor. “I am too.” He noticed a little carving that said: _‘TaeTae is better than Woojinnie! But Seokjinnie rules over all!’_

He grinned at the poorly scratched Hangul and a small part of him almost felt sad that he couldn’t have had that kind of experience as a kid. As soon as that thought invaded his mind, his childhood came back and he shivered.

_Hey, hey, you’re okay, Minho. Count to five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. You’re in Woojin’s van, you’re right next to Hyunjin and right behind Changbin. You’re okay._

_Breathe._

_On the other hand, fuck, what if this all goes to shit and I do something stupid? What if I have an anxiety attack?_

_You’ve had plenty of anxiety attacks before, you’ll get through them just like you did every other time._  

_Breathe._

On his sixth deep breath, the van came to another stop in a rural area of Gimpo. Minho thought that the breaths he just took were meaningless, because the size of the house to his right took it all away again.

“Jisung-ah lives _there_?” Minho asked and then immediately felt stupid when he saw Jisung strolling down the stone walkway to the black fence.

“Yeah, _I know_ ,” Seungmin turned around to face him. “He lives the good life, it’s a wonder why he goes to a school like ours.”

“Amen to that,” Changbin said.

Seungmin shot him a lot. “Don’t say anything, you’re rich too!”

“Yeah, but Jisungie is _rich_ rich. That’s what you get when your dad dies a successful doctor I suppose.”

Minho seemed to either be the only one to hear that comment, or the only one to find this news to be new, because he was the only one to whip his head to face Changbin.

 _His dad is dead? Shit…_  

But, Minho had no time to dwell on that fact, because Jisung came up to the passenger’s window.

“I’m the birthday boy, I get shotgun.”

Woojin smiled. “And, I’m driving, _get in the back._ ” 

“Where am I supposed to sit, though?”

Woojin shrugged. “Sit on Hyunjin-ah’s lap.” 

“ _Or_ , Jeongin can sit on my lap because, y’know, we’re actually _dating_!”

That option seemed to die instantly, because Jisung was already climbing into the back of the van. “Oh, fuck no! Woojin hyung’s idea seems _great_!” 

Jisung sat him down on Hyunjin’s lap, the same Hyunjin who now has his nose pressed against the spin of Jisung. Minho couldn’t help but laugh, and Jisung shot him a quick smile.

Hyunjin glared at him. “This is not funny!”

Chan turned around and grinned. “It’s hilarious!”

When Woojin pulled out, Jisung started readjusting himself.

“God, stop rubbing your flat ass over my dick, _please._ ”

Jeongin, Felix, and Minho all burst out into a fit of laughter. Minho looked up at Jisung’s scandalized face.

“My ass is _not_ flat, dick!”

“Guys, watch your language!” Woojin called out from the front, but even he was sporting a smile.

They went on bickering the whole ride, no one really paid any mind to Minho, but he almost enjoyed that. It was calming to watch his best friend poorly flirt, to hear the _ding!_ sounds of Felix’s game, and to hear Jeongin and Seungmin laughing.

For the most part, Minho watched Jisung try and stifle his laughter as he continually annoyed Hyunjin. This annoyance however didn’t feel rude, it simply seemed like they’ve been best friends for years and act like brothers.

When they arrived at the bowling alley, Felix clambered over Changbin to get out.

“Let’s knock down some fucking white bitches!” Felix cheered and everyone collectively sighed.

“Felix-ah,” Changbin hooped out, “never speak in public situations, _ever_.” 

Minho turned to face Jisung, who was already looking at him. “Y-You can get out first, Jisung-ah, you are the birthday boy after all.”

Jisung’s smile lit up the entire car.

Minho unconstitutionally rubbed his thigh.

“No, no, I insist. You can get out first, hyung!”

The corners of Minho’s lips started to rise without him even knowing it. He was about to protest and insist that Jisung get out first, but Hyunjin quickly sighed.

“ _I’ll_ get out first,” he shoved Jisung down (and subsequently onto Minho’s lap). Hyunjin shimmied his way around Jisung and held his hand out for Jeongin to follow.  

Minho didn’t care too much about that, because he was currently staring back at Jisung’s wide eyes. Both of them went red and Minho tried to move closer to the wall.

Panic alarms went off in his head, he felt his heart pounding in his chest, but thankfully all of his other panic attack symptoms didn’t happen.

He then noticed that Jisung propped himself up, and so he steadied himself with his hand on Minho’s thigh.

_Fuck._

Jisung was about to speak when Woojin and Chan looked into the van. Both boys quickly jerked their heads to look at them.

Chan started chuckling and hiding his face.

“Wow,” Woojin looked between the two, “Jisung-ssi, I didn’t know you were getting your birthday present this early on in the day.” He winked. 

_He winked._

“I—” before Minho even got the words out, Jisung was scrambling to get off of him and out the door. When all was done and over with, Minho was left to walk shakily out of the van and next to Chan.

_Don’t make a joke you overgrown kangaroo piece of shi—_

“I knew you were horny and desperate but not to this level, Min—” 

“ _—save it._ ”

Chan smirked.

He looked around at the group, most of them didn’t seem to care about the situation, but Hyunjin and Jisung were off whispering and sparing glances towards Minho.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

When they settled down Woojin assigned them teams.

“All right you little shits, except for you two,” he looked over at Chan and Minho, “you two are _fine._ Now _you six_ , this game will test your _wit_ , your _patience,_ your _will to win—”_

“—I thought this was Felix hyung’s part of the birthday outing? I thought all he wanted to do was have a good time?” Jeongin asked to no one in particular. Minho had forgotten that this day was spilt up purposefully into three parts: Felix wanted to bowl, Seungmin wanted pizza, and Jisung wanted to sleepover with all his friends. It was rather sweet, actually. A deep part of Minho felt so full of life when he remembered that.

Looking over, Minho had never seen Felix so agitated. “I came to _win_ , bitch. My team will instantly be the best because _I_ am the leader.”

Woojin sighed. “Okay, then. Felix, you’re on a team with Minho-ah, Changbin-ssi, and Seungmin-ah.” 

Felix stood up. “What?! Now, now, _now,_ I love Seungminnie! He’s like my little brother—”

“—I’d kill myself if that was the case—”

“— _shut it._ But Seungmin-ah doesn’t know the first thing about _any sport_!”

“I do too!” 

“When’s the last time you played a sport?”

Seungmin stood up to match Felix. “When’s the last time _you_ played a sport?”

“I—”

“—Wii sports don’t count, hyung.”

Felix stood there for a moment, both Minho and Jeongin chuckled. Felix soon nodded.

“Fair point.”

Woojin blinked. “Okay, then. Channie, Jisungie, Hyunjinnie, and Jeongin-ah, you’re all on a team?” 

“You’re n-not gonna play?” Minho surprised himself with that sudden confidence to ask a question.

Woojin smirked and shook his head. “God, no. Watching is way more fun.” His smirk turned into a genuine smile, and Minho didn’t quite know how to feel about that.

The game went by normal at first, Minho shocked even himself when he got a strike at first. His heart was racing when everyone cheered for him, but once again, none of his panic symptoms came into play. Instead, a grin crept up on his face, one that hurt to try and ignore. For a brief, fleeting moment he thought: _Is this what being a teenager is like?_

When Felix went out for his turn, he over-exaggerated his movements to prepare for his throw, everyone sighed and gave each other passive glances.

When Minho looked towards Jisung who nodded.

_Why is he nodding? What is he doing?_

He squinted which only made Jisung smile wider.

Jisung then stood behind Felix, who was still concentrating on getting the “perfect” throw. Once Felix was actually going to throw, Jisung screamed: 

“DON'T MESS UP!” 

“AAHH!”

_Gutter ball._

Everyone laughed, Felix spun around. “What was that for?!”

Jisung shrugged. “That’s what you get for making fun of my hair, you shit.”

“You didn’t do anything to Hyunjin and _he put the paint in_!”

“I mean, we’ve been best friends for…” he trailed off and then looked to Hyunjin.

“Eleven years.” 

“Yeah, so, he gets a pass. _You however, no._ ”

Felix only seemed upset for a minute, but then a sprinkle of happiness shone in his eyes. He just seemed to laugh and bowl again.

Minho looked over to Chan, he noticed his left shoulder he noticed a deep gash that was poorly covered up by a band aid. 

_He’d tell me if something happened. It was probably just an accident. He’d tell me._

As the minutes turned into hours, Woojin ordered pizza and everything was… _fine._ Everything was just _fine._ They all ate a lot (well, Minho took only one slice), talked a lot, and joked. It was _fun._ There was no panic in his heart.

Felix’s team won in the end, much to everyone’s surprise.

“God, you guys had Seungmin hyung on your team and you _still_ won. Wow.” Jeongin laughed, even though Seungmin flicked him on the forearm.

After everyone shook hands, Jisung spoke up. “You only won because you had Minho hyung on your team!” The two locked eyes. “He carried your asses.”

Minho didn’t say anything because, well, he was right. Minho was the best player.

“Yeah!” Chan called out and out an arm around his shoulder. “He’s great, isn’t he?” 

Everyone collectively agreed.

Before they all piled out of the bowling alley, Chan pulled Minho to the back of the group.

“You sure you wanna sleepover Hyunjin’s house?” 

_Do I?_

Minho has been weighing out all the pros and cons the whole night and decided that it would be okay, it wouldn’t be a weekly thing, but one night wouldn’t hurt. 

He nodded. “Yeah, hyung. I’ll be fine.”

After getting on the road Felix made a song suggestion. “ _Fantastic Baby_?”

“Ugh,” Changbin rolled his eyes, “BigBang are so overrated.”

This resulted in the entire ride screaming their opinions, but in the end, Woojin played the song and they all sang to it. Normally Minho would hate loud music, but there was a comfort in the car. He still gripped the side of the car and rubbed his thumb over the felt, but he was okay, all things considered.

When they pulled up to Hyunjin’s house, Minho marveled at his house as well. It wasn’t as big as Jisung’s, but it was _beautiful._ He didn’t know why he was surprised though, him and Jisung lived in the same general area. 

“Remind me why we don’t come over here more often?” Felix asked.

“You seem to forget,” Hyunjin opened the door, “ _my siblings._ ” 

It was at that moment that the nine of them stepped into a house of _chaos._ The house was beyond clean, but the _screaming_ that took place.  

“JAEMIN GET BACK HERE WITH MY DOLLS!” A little girl, maybe eight, ran after a boy who looked to be the same age. 

“Right,” Felix nodded, “this is why.”

Coming from the kitchen came two women and a man.

“Sweetie,” one of them said, “glad you got home safe. Oh,” she looked to Minho and Chan, “nice to meet you boys! I’m Chaehee, and this is my husband Daejung!” The two boys nodded. 

Hyunjin glanced at Chan and Minho, head hung low. “Sorry, I forgot to mention I have six siblings.”

Minho almost choked.

He had no time to process this because the second woman stepped forward. “I’m—”

“—Mom?!” Jisung questioned. “Why are you here?”

“These two needed my help, Jisungie. Raising seven kids is hard.”

“Amen to that,” Daejung laughed.

Minho unconstitutionally grabbed Chan’s sweater. The feeling of it calmed him.

He felt his face grow red and his hands begin to shake. Thankfully, Chan was there. He’d be okay.

The noise of the house got to him after a few minutes, and he had to go into the bathroom to play music. When situations got too loud unexpectedly, Minho needed controlled noise in a secluded area. One of the main reasons for him needing breaks out of class on occasion was because of the noise.

That was also one of the main factors for him never eating in the cafeteria. For some reason, this new group of friends were the perfect amount of noise that it didn’t set Minho off.

The music he normally listens to at times like these were The Beatles, something about only being able to understand a few words with the calm beats really set Minho at ease.

Noise didn’t always trigger him, if he knew the noise was coming, his subconscious had time to prepare, but sudden noise got to him.

The panic subsided later, and he was able to go out and have a conversation with Jisung’s mother, Han Seoyoon, and learned the names of Hyunjin’s _many_ siblings. Shownu was the oldest, followed by Hyunjin, Jisoo, Sana, Sehun, and the twins, Jaemin, and Yeri. Everyone in the family was so attractive, it was just a lucky gene Minho guessed.

He even got to meet the family dog, Kkami.

Everyone seemed to mingle, a few of them played Mario Party, and casually wished the three a happy birthday.

Seoyoon asked a lot about his mom, and Minho had to embellish a little bit. He told her that his mom only had one full time job and that Chan came over simply because he wanted to, no alternative motives. She seemed happy with those responses and went on talking about embarrassing moments to Jisung. 

“Mother!” Jisung came back from getting a soda, “Don’t expose me like this.”

Currently Seoyoon was showing him Jisung’s first school picture. He was smiling so wide, he wore glasses at the time, and his uniform was a little too small on him.

“Oh, shush, baby, you look so cute!”

Once the rest of the group caught wind of what was going on, they all stood around Seoyoon to look at more pics.

Jisung shook his head at Hyunjin. “You’ve seen all these pictures before!”

Hyunjin smiled. “And, they’re still as funny as they were years ago!”

Ten minutes passed when Chaehee and Daejung came out with a cake as big as their TV (which currently had a paused game of Mario Party that Jaemin, Felix, Woojin, and Jisoo we’re playing).

The three adults placed the cake on the table and shut off the lights. They started singing happy birthday and soon everyone followed.

Seungmin, Felix, and Jisung sat at the end of the table, all beet red.

They all had their own part of the cake to blow out and make wishes. Jisung glanced at Minho before he blew out his candles.

“Ooh, get a picture of the birthday boys!” Daejung quickly threw the camera towards Chaehee.

Seungmin partially hid his face, Jisung puckered his lips and threw up a peace sign, and Felix smiled wider than Minho had ever seen… in his life.

“Ooh, ooh,” Changbin gestured at everyone, “birthday pictures!”

Minho stood off to the side, his throat close. He watched as Chan bunched up with everyone, giving Minho a worried glance.

_Don’t go, it’ll be weird._

He felt body go stiff, out of the corner of his eye he saw Shownu and Jisoo looking at him oddly. 

“Minho-ah,” Woojin called, his voice was loud and from the chest. His face went hot. “C’mon, man! Won’t be the same without you!”

“Yeah,” Jeongin smiled, “c’mon, hyung!”

Seungmin looked over at him. “You helped our team win bowling, man! You gotta be in the pic!”

“Well, I mean, I did most of the work—” Felix got hit in the back of the head by Hyunjin (with only mild scolding from Daejung) “—but, nevertheless, come take the pic, hyung!”

He locked eyes with Chan, who simply gestured towards the group.

_‘C’mon, man. You’ll regret it if you don’t.’_

Somehow Minho found the strength to move and take the picture. He stood in the back behind Jisung and next to Woojin. His smile wasn’t as big as everyone’s but he tried. 

“Good picture!” Seoyoon called. “Gosh, most handsome men here!”

Jaemin turned his head. “But I’m the cutest, right auntie Yoonie?”

She smiled. “Of course, munchkin.”

When the pic was taken, Jisung was about to send it into their group chat.

“Guys, we’re so stupid,” he chuckled.

Jeongin looked up. “Why?”

“We haven’t added these two into our group chat, god we’re fucking idiots.”

Just like that, Chan and Minho were added into the group chat named _oh god why?_

When they all talked about uploading the picture to their own personal Instagram, Minho looked down. His last post was about a year ago with him, Yoongi, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jimin.

Jisung was the only one to ask who they were and seemed genuinely interested in Minho’s story with them.

It felt weird to put out something new on social media, but everyone else was doing it, so he simply followed their lead.

His caption was simple: _Happy birthday to these dorks._

Immediately Jimin liked the post and commented.

 **baby.j.oppa:** _omG! there so cute uwu_

Through the laws of social media and tagging, he gained many followers, most of them just being his new-found friends, Jeongin’s friends, and Woojin’s brothers.

 **148iq:** _Cute_

 

 **Gloss.rapper:** _fucking there goes my 2nd best friend being social_

 

 **HopeHoya:** _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH MY SON IS POSTING_

 

 **wwhjin:** _as ive said on all their accounts. you all are beautiful. except for you woojin._

 **prince_hyun_jin:** _brother disputes_

 **Kim.Woojin.Wins:** _fuck off jin at least I’m not a high school graduate still living with his parents_

 **xXFelix123Xx:** _FUCKING GOTEM_

 **wwhjin:** _I’m busy buying our restaurant that me you and @taetaetiger will work at_

 **xXFelix123Xx:** _I retract the last statement sorry hyung_

 

 **jeonkookie:** _ew. Jeongin-ssi looks terrible_

 **taetaetiger:** _u look terrible_

 **mina.ballerina:** _y’all just make out already_

 **ch.ae.yo.ung.:** _pls_

 **JB.luvs.Jr:** _Jeongguk. You’ve commented this on all their accounts._

 **Jr.luvs.JB:** _yes please stop._

 **jeonkookie:** _no._

 **INNIE:** _STOP TELLING EVERYONE I LOOK TERRIBLE_

 **jeonkookie:** _no._

 **jeonkookie:** _love you._

 **INNIE:** _love you too. asshole._

“Wow,” Minho chuckled, “now I remember why I basically quit social media.” 

Everyone laughed.

When it came time to sleep, Hyunjin and Jeongin got into bed together. Jisung made some offhanded joke about him not cuddling with Hyunjin in bed, only to have a pillow be thrown at him.

They all threw on a movie and laid down in their respect sleeping bags, except for a few who just used some blankets and pillows, Minho being one.

Jeongin was the first to fall asleep in Hyunjin’s arms. Minho watching Hyunjin hold the younger close to his chest, rubbing his back slowly. He watched as Jeongin gripped his shirt even while he was dead asleep. However, Minho also didn’t miss the way Seungmin stared longingly at them.

He looked at them the same way Changbin looked at Felix, who were both asleep.

Chan and Woojin were next to each other, both half awake.

Minho looked over at Jisung who was engrossed in his phone, his headphones stuck to him like glue. The phone light illuminated his brown eyes and his very small freckles. He still has the same baby face he had in his school pictures. At the age of sixteen, he wasn’t the most attractive kid, but Minho knew he’d grow into his features. 

He didn’t realize his longing gazes from across the room until his phone buzzed.

 

**From: Mom**

_Hey angel_

_How are you?_

_I hope you have a good night and get home safe tomorrow <3 _

For some reason that text did, that text pushed every bit of anxiety he’s had for the night overbored. He couldn’t even explain why the sudden surge of panic took ahold of his heart. But it did. It clenched onto his flying heart and seized its clasp. 

He couldn’t begin to make sense of the world right now. Anxiety was funny like that, one minute you can hold yourself steady throughout the day, and the next it all comes crashing down. Something insignificant can turn a calm stream into a flood.

And now an overflow of emotions came out. 

He quickly looked around the room, sweat was beginning to accumulate on his neck.

_Hyunjin’s bed sheets are light blue. Jisung wants to dye his hair blue, remember? Do you remember, Minho?_

Remember? Yes, of course Minho remembers.

_I remember how they didn’t want me there in the first place. They only did this to be nice._

Minho pulled his knees up his chest. _They only did this to be nice, they only did this to be nice._

His pajamas felt too hot, his skin felt too sticky, his mind was too dizzy. He had to get out. _He had to get out._  

 _Where can I go? I can’t walk home, I don’t know the way, I don’t know the way. I won’t be as lucky as I was last time and get a ride._  

_God why am I even panicking?! Nothing happened. Nothing happened._

But, he had no time to mull over the questions, his shirt was too hot for his body.

Minho stood up, his mind unsteady. He was going to throw up.

 _Bathroom. Bathroom, get to a bathroom._  

He made his way over the bodies of people he can’t put names to. He made eye contact with a boy, Jisung, his eyes wide. His shoulders went up, and his hands were firmly placed on the ground.

“Where are you going, hyung?”

 _Bathroom. Say the bathroom. Say it!_  

“Buh…”

_Say it!_

“Buh-Buh-Bathroom.”

He caught wind of Chan’s alarmed face, he heard him say something, but his voice seemed to be a mile away.

He wasn’t sure how he remembered where the bathroom was, but he slammed the door and locked it. Being alone didn’t help much at all, he was still _burning._ He could feel pickets of sweat forming on his body, so he stripped down to nothing more than his boxers.

He looked around the bathroom. _White. White. The walls are white. The shower curtain is green with sea creatures on it. There are nine toothbrushes out._  

He ran ice cold water under his wrists. 

_Text Yoongi. He knows. He’s seen them more than anyone has._

_No, he’s asleep now._  

And even if he wanted to, his hands were almost vibrating. He wanted to escape his own skin, his own mind.

The worst part was that this wasn’t even _half_ as bad as it can get. A small part of him that was aware of what was happening was thankful that he caught it early.

When Minho closes his eyes he remembers his first panic attack. He was with Jimin trying to skip rocks when the weight of a soon-to-be test hit him full force.

_You were wearing yellow that day, your mom’s favorite color. Jimin was wearing green, Hoseok’s favorite color. You remember that, right?_

His mind then flashed to when Chan first saw his panic attacks, it was a rough night, he tried alcohol for the first (and only) time, and that amplified all of his emotions.

_Alcohol, liquid, you skipping rocks at a lake, that all has to do with water. Your wrists are under water. They’re under the water. It’s so cold._

_Cold._  

He’s getting cooler.

_You can feel the ground under you. You’re in Hyunjin’s house. Hyunjin. You remember him. The pretty one._

Minho then recalls all the events of the night. He’s always had this ability to perfectly recall situations.

_Breathe._

He ran his hand over the sink. _It’s white. You’re touching a white sink._  

 _One breath._  

 _Two._  

 _Three._  

_Four._

_Five._

Whatever gripped his heart began to loosen its hold. He was coming back.

Minho would have liked some calm-down time, but several knocks came echoing through the bathroom. Minho scurried and put on his pajamas. 

“Hyung?” It was Hyunjin. 

Minho swallowed. “Yuh-Yes?” 

“Are you okay? It’s been ten minutes, just making sure you didn’t fall in.”

Though no one saw, Minho shook his head. “Thank you for asking, but I’m okay.” 

“I’m here too, man,” that voice was Chan, “Jisung as well. Can I come in?”

He didn’t have the strength to answer so he simply unlocked the door only for his friend. When he was in, he felt so small.

“What happened?” He whispered. Minho couldn’t look him in the eye, so he only shrugged.

“I needed a break. Mom texted me and… well… I panicked.”

When he looked up at Chan, not fully meeting his eyes, he saw his face relax.

“You okay now?”

 _No._  

“Uh-huh.”

When they stepped out he didn’t have time to adjust to anything, because Jisung brought him down a hall.

“Whu-What are we doing?”

“I just wanted to ask you this in private, hyung.” The two were alone now, only surrounded by ancient-looking green wallpaper. They stood in front of two doors on either side of them. _JaeJae and Yeri ONLY_ one sign said, and _sehun_ with the name Sana scratched out on the other.

“I know staying the night away from home can be scary, and when I first spent the night here I had to sleep next to Hyunjin.” He laughed. “And, there isn’t a lot of room around Chan hyung, so… do you— _and it’s okay if you say no—_ do you maybe wanna move your blankets closer to me? I get that may be a weird thing to ask!” 

Minho fidgeted with his thumbs. What was he supposed to say? Yes.

_You can’t just say yes, you hardly know him—_

“O...Okay. Sure. Thank you, Jisungie.”

Once again, Jisung smiles so brightly at him, he felt undeserving of such sunshine disguised as two lips and soft dimples.

 

When they all got back, everyone looked at Minho like they wanted him to say something. _Fat chance._ Thankfully not all eyes were on him, Jeongin was still fast asleep.

“You all right, hyung?” For the first time Minho has seen, Seungmin seemed to have genuine worry on his face.

He nodded.

Felix was next to speak up. “Yeah, bowling alley pizza isn't the best for your stomach, I get that, hyung.”

Everyone chuckled and Minho followed their lead.

He placed his stuff next to Jisung, leaving a five inch gap between them. He laid down and watched the boy in question go back to his phone. He was on GarageBand obsessively tapping the screen. 

Minho hugged his blanket closer to him. Everyone else seemed to have fallen asleep except for him and Jisung.

_He let me sleep next to him because he thought I was scared._

When he finally noticed him staring, he darted his head down and pretended to be asleep, even going as far as to fake snoring. Jisung laughed as quietly as he could.

“I know you’re awake.”

Minho smiled and looked up at the boy. A small part of him made a note to stop calling him a _boy_ because they were both sixteen, well, until Minho turned seventeen late October.

“Thank you…” he looked down. “For this, it makes me feel safer.”

Jisung nodded. “Of course. I’m glad I could help, and Changbin says I’m not nice.”

_That was a joke. Laugh._

He managed to giggle.

“I’m about to sleep myself actually, you should too. Do you like music?”

He nodded.

“I can’t sleep over someone’s house without it. Do… do you wanna listen to it together?”

Minho’s heart dropped. “Um… sure. I’d… like that.”

Jisung gave him one of his earphones and asked what he liked. Minho said that it didn’t matter, he was the birthday boy and he should listen to whatever music he wanted to. The other laughed and managed to make Minho weasel out that he wanted to listen to The Beatles.

He actually had a good dream that night.

 

_ May 19, 2019:  _

_And that was the real start to the most… meaningful year of my life. I gained so much that year, but I lost so, so much. Too much, even._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minho’s Aspergers is mild and based off of several personal cases I’ve witnessed and research I’ve done. It will be explained more in a later chapter.
> 
> Comments are much appreciated. Tell me what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you hated, what you loved.


	4. Here Comes the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll warn this again, don’t read if you’re not comfortable with sensitive situations.
> 
> Also, yes, if it wasn’t obviously, I like many K-Pop groups. I know. Shocking.
> 
> Chapter title based on Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles.

_ May, 19th, 2019: _

_That night was interesting because I actually had a good dream. Was that because I was with Jisung? Maybe. Was I oblivious to my feelings for Jisung? God, yes. I look back on everything and shake my head because it all went over my head. I didn’t like him right away, it took awhile to cement my feelings for him, and if anything, I thought I liked Chan._

_Funny how that would have turned out._

_I didn’t like Chan, but I did love him more than anyone. I loved that man more than the stars it seemed like._

_My love for Jisung was slow building, but when it finally came to light, it was like being in a room on fire, or looking right at the sun. Or, really any poetic analogy for something so insanely bright._

_I’m not saying that he was the sun in my life, or my happiness. He wasn’t. Neither was Chan, Jeongin, Hyunjin, or anyone._

_He was just my first love. Is that a spoiler for this essay? Maybe. I didn’t even know essays_ had _spoilers, but it feels like an appropriate time to say it just as a warning. A heads up that inevitably I do fall for a boy._

_A boy who won my heart and then vanished from my life._

_A boy who touched you and then burned his memory onto you._

_A boy who was_

  


_ September 15th, 2015: _

currently pouring water over Changbin’s head.

“AH! Jisung-ah!” Changbin whipped around. “What was that for?!”

Jisung laughed. All nine of them were in the kitchen-dining room area waiting for Chan to start cooking, he offered to make the whole family food as a thanks for letting him spend the night. Woojin ended up helping him, he reminded everyone that he and his brothers were going to own the greatest restaurant in all of Seoul.

“What? Hyunjin-ssi said that you pour water on things to make them grow!”

Seungmin spat out his water.

“Oh, you little shit,” Changbin punched him.

“Boys,” Chaehee called. “No fighting. I expect this kind of behavior from Jaemin and Yeri, but not from you two.”

“Sorry, Mom,” Jisung said as he hung his head low. When Chaehee went over to see how the food was going, Jisung punched Changbin again.

_Is this how aggressive Chan and I are supposed to be?_

He then remembered what Chan was going to face at home and stopped that thought.

Everyone wished Felix an actual happy birthday, and when the rest of the family heard that Chan was cooking pancakes, they all came scrambling down.

The abundance of noise was expected, and it wasn’t as loud as last night, so Minho was able to calm himself. He still made jokes with his new-found friends, and laughed at their antics. 

He then noticed that one of the Hwang family members, Jisoo, lagged behind. She was wearing black headphones, and she went around to everyone and said good morning to them.

“Good morning, Hyunjin.” She had a bit of a blank look on her face.

“Good morning Jisooie! How’s my favorite sister doing?”

Her smile seemed forced and genuine at the same time.

“Good!”

When she sat down on a stool in the kitchen, her gaze seemed off, but no one questioned it. They went about normally and tried to include her into many conversations, she only really laughed and nodded.

Hyunjin seemed to notice Minho’s longing gaze; he scooted closer to him.

“You didn’t notice the headphones yesterday?”

He shook his head, he supposed he was so engrossed in his own anxiety he didn’t seem to notice the headphones that blended in very well with her hair.

“What’s she listening to?”

Hyunjin smiled. “Nothing, actually. Those are noise canceling headphones, very good ones in fact.”

 _Noise canceling headphones,_ he thought, _I could use some of those._

He continued. “I told Chan hyung this earlier, but she is on the spectrum.”

Minho thought for a moment. “Like Auti—”

“—yeah. She’s still _such_ a smart girl. Love her to death.”

It was nice to see everyone treating her with respect.

The Hwang residence was almost peacefully, that was until Jisung started speaking again.

“Did you ask around yet, hyung?”

Hyunjin looked up. “Did I do _what_?”

Jisung sighed and rolled his eyes. “Did you ask around and see if anyone wanted to join our group?”

Some people around the table groaned, but Minho’s curiosity was peaked. _Group? Like, their friend group?_

“No one wants to join your rap group, hyung,” Seungmin laughed, but he was promptly flicked on the forehead by Woojin. He scolded him and told him not to be mean, it made everyone laugh.

“I mean, I tried, honest! Mark Tuan was going to join, same with Mark Lee, Wooseok, and Yuta, they asked if they could hear a sample of one of your songs, I showed them _Wow,_ and they rightfully declined.”

Changbin sighed and gently slammed his head against the table. “Why would you show them _Wow_ ? The song isn’t even _done_ yet, we still need another person to help.”

“What’s _Wow_?” Chan asked.

Felix and Jeongin both snorted while drinking their water. “Not something you wanna know,” Felix laughed.

Woojin rolled his eyes. “It’s a rap Jisung-ah and Changbin-ssi wrote. They’re trying to get just one more person to join their group, they recruited that shit,” he gestured to Hyunjin, “because he’s the most popular kid.”

“Oh… what’s the group called?”

“3racha!” Jisung was quick to answer. “We need another member so that the three makes sense, 2racha doesn’t sound cool.”

_3racha? 3. Racha? Wow._

“I mean,” Chan shrugged, “I can rap. I don’t have anything to do after school anyway, I can join.”

Both Jisung and Changbin’s eyes went wide. They both looked at each other then back to Chan. “Really?!”

He smiled. “Sure!”

“Hyung,” Jeongin prefaced, “I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into, you’ve never heard _Wow_.”

“How bad can it be?”

Felix looked down at the table and cheekily took a sip of his water. “It’s bad.”

Hyunjin pulled out his phone and the beginning of the song started, already Minho cringed. The song started with Jisung aggressively telling Changbin that there is a cute girl and he basically wants to fuck her.

In the back of Minho’s mind he questioned Jisung’s sexuality, he figured he was gay as gay can be.

As the song went on, everyone started laughing at the squeaky prepubescent raps the two had.

When the demo ended Chan looked up at them and grinned. “It was… interesting… but, I’ll join.”

Minho quickly shot his head to look at Chan.

_‘Really?!’_

_‘Sure, why not?’_

_‘They seemed pretty bad…’_

_‘Yeah, but it’ll be fine.’_

_‘Whatever you say…’_

“I still find this telepathy confusing and mildly concerning,” Seungmin’s comment made everyone chuckle.

In the end, Chan agreed to join their group, Minho looked around and noticed that everyone seemed to have mixed reactions to this choice. Minho was happy for him though, Chan always had dreams of being a producer and a performer.

To an extent, Minho has this dream as well, he knew he could sing pretty well, but it was _dance_ that always struck the happiest cord for him. Dancing made him long for something, what that was, he wasn’t sure. But, when Jeongin and Felix started talking about dance class at school, Minho wanted to scream that he wanted to join.

Of course, he didn’t.

Minho thought back to when him, Jimin, and Hoseok all did dance when they were younger, and he felt such an urge gliding through his whole body.

While he was lost in thought, Minho didn’t notice that reality was moving without him, he was only brought back when Seungmin started snapping in front of his face.

“Hyung?”

Minho felt his face go red. “I-I’m sorry… what were you saying?”

“Jeonginnie was asking if you did any after school things.”

Minho glanced up at the boy in question who was currently sporting a grin. “Yeah! If Chan hyung will be busy after school, it’s only right that you have something to keep you occupied.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I don’t do anything,” he looked down.

“Oh, c’mon. They’re holding open auditions to join the dance class on Thursday, we’d love to have a guy like you!”

Minho raised his head up slightly. “Really?”

“Yeah! I loved watching you during summer class! I was actually surprised you didn’t join the team.”

_Because my mom could only control what I did over the summer, not in school._

Minho mulled it over, a big change like that in his schedule would take a long time for him to adjust. He already didn’t feel too comfortable not walking home with Chan every day, but he could fill that void with music. This would be a whole new environment with people he didn’t really know.

“We don’t do a lot in there anyway,” Hyunjin shrugged, “it’s very lack. You’re allowed to do your own dances unless you’re like Jeongguk-ah, Mina, Jongin hyung, who are on the dance _team_ . _Then_ , it’s a structured thing. But, seriously, it's fun.”

“Yeah!” Felix was all smiles. “You’ll enjoy it, I promise hyung.”

Minho then noticed almost everyone was staring at him. _Fuck, just say you’ll do it. You don’t even know if you’ll get in. Just do it._

Chan looked over at him and squinted.

_‘You wanna?’_

_‘Maybe.’_

From across the table Jisung smiled. “I think it’ll be fun. Seungminnie and Woojin hyung already sing their hearts out every day, it’ll be cool to see all my friends doing something.”

Minho felt his heart race. _He directly implied that I’m his friend. Oh my god._

He smiled and rubbed the back of his next. “Okay, I’ll try out.”

The table cheered, Jisoo, not knowing what was going on, cheered as well. She was enthralled in a squabble Shownu and Jaemin were having.  
  


_ May 19th, 2019: _

_When Thursday came around, I was rightfully terrified. All day I was on edge, however it didn’t spiral into a panic attack. Not that day at least..._

_I had five days to have a one-minute choreography prepared with any song I wanted, it just had to be in English (for some reason). I hadn’t created my own choreo in years, but once I got back into the groove of things, it went well. Skyping Hoseok to help finalize things was an interesting task, it mostly ended with the two of us laughing until we couldn’t breathe._

_I ended up doing a Beatles song because my mom and Namjoon said: “No one else will do that! You’ll stand out!”_

_I did a contemporary version of Here Comes the Sun, a song everyone has heard at least once in their life._

_Everyone ditched their after school activities to come and support me that day. Chan was doing really well in 3racha and was already working on helping write new songs._

_At the auditions Woojin was waving a flag with_ **_이민호_ ** _written on it._

_The judges were Im Jaebeom, Kim Jongin, and a Japanese exchange student, Hiria Momo._

_Some boy, Kai, went before me and I can’t remember what song he did, again,_ it was in English. _But he was good, I knew he’d get in._

 _I checked my phone and_  
  


_ September 20th, 2015: _

saw that the group chat had gone off.

**GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_YOU GO T T H I S B A B Y!_

_you’ll never be as good as me… buT STILL_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_You started off s o g o o d._

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_Fuck them hyung_

_not literally_

_YOU CAN DO IT!_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_what the short one said._

**From: Minho-ssi**

_You didn’t say anything Yoongi…_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_gottem_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_No seriously thank you._

_God I’m so FUCKING nervous_

_But like_

_I’m excited? This feeling is now starting to become more apparent now that I’ve? Made? Friends?_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_It’s almost like making friends… helps you? Experience new things?_

_Wow what a shocker_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_First I thought we banned the word wow from ever being used_

_Second_

_duck off._

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_duck._

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Fuck off. Fuck._

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_idiot_

**From: Yoongi hyung**

_;)_

_Good luck man_

**From: Namjoon hyung**

_What the short one said_

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_jimin say it with me_

_GOTTTTTEEEEMMMM_

**From: Jimin-ssi**

_GOTTEM_

Minho grinned as he turned off his phone.

_You’re okay. You’re okay._

“Lee Minho, you’re up next!” Jongin called.

_You’re not okay._

Minho stood up and quickly looked at his friends who were all smiling, Woojin waving his flag. He took a deep breath, maybe he would be okay.

“You’re doing a Beatles song?” Momo asked.

“Yuh-Yes…”

“Fucking good band,” Jaebeom nodded, only to be hit on the arm by Momo. She scolded him for swearing, it made everyone in the room chuckle.

“Well, don’t let us keep you, I’m sure you’ll do fine!” Jongin smiled. “You got this!”

Once the music started, every small thing that troubled Minho disintegrated. All the weight of the world didn’t seem to matter.

There was such a release of dopamine in his brain that he didn’t even have to remember what move to do next, he just knew.

_“Little darling,_

_I feel that ice is slowly melting._

_Little darling,_

_I feel like it’s been years since it’s been clear,_

_Here comes the sun.”_

From an outsider's perspective, Minho imagined he looked like a hyperactive bunny hopping from one point to another, of maybe an octopus trying its best as it’s waving its limbs around.

Whatever animal he looked like, it made him smile.

Hoseok once taught him that if you’re happy while doing something, all the rest is history.

_If you’re happy while doing something, all the rest is history._

_“It’s all right._

_Here comes the sun,_

_It’s all right,_

_It’s all right.”_

The song tapered off at the end and all that was left was the deep breathing of Lee Minho. He ended with a smile.

He only raised his head when he heard the applause of everyone in the room, the noise was startling, but expected. Everyone cheered, Chan the loudest.

“Very good!” Jaebeom clapped. Momo nodded and started looking through the list getting ready to call out another name.

As he walked away, Chan jumped up and ran to hug him. “You did so good dude!”

“Yeah!” Seungmin smiled. “You’ll get in for sure.”

Minho blushes under the attention. “Thank you for being here…”

Woojin playfully shoved him. “Of course! It’s what friends do!”

_Friends._

The word still felt weird for him.

But, they also felt so good to hear. Minho knew that they were all officially friends when one day Minho couldn’t eat in the cafeteria and everyone came to find him in the library and ate there with him. That’s when he knew.

His phone buzzed again.

**GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**

**From: Hoseok hyung**

_I can’t wait anymore how did you do I’m sure you did great but sTill_

Minho smiled and said that he thought he did well.

It didn’t take long for the announcements to come in for who got to join, only about another hour.

“Okay!” Momo called. “Kai, Jeonghan, Minnie, Minho, Yuta, and Jungwoo! Congratulations! You’re all in!”

Life genuinely went in slow motion, _I got in?_

His routine wasn’t that good, sure he loved doing it, but he definitely could have done better.

“I knew you’d get in!” Jeongin ran over and hugged him.

“You did so good, man!” Felix complimented.

He was enjoying his hug with Jeongin when he was suddenly pulled into another, this time by someone with a broader chest. Jisung.

“I’m proud of you, hyung.”

Minho grinned, his face was already red, but now he felt a buzz going through his body, he figured it was the lasting bit of anxiety he still had. “Thank you, Jisungie!”

“It was the flag that did it.”

“Shut up Woojin hyung.” Changbin laughed.

Ten minutes went by and the nine of them stood outside the school talking about everything under the sun. Hyunjin brought up the blue paint as if it was some old inside joke between them, it happened a week ago.

It was finally a warm day and Minho found himself longing to not move and just bask in the sun with the others. In the back of his mind he continued to him _Here Comes the Sun._

“Wow!” Hyunjin checked his phone. “It’s getting late, it’s already six...”

Chan shot his head up. “What?” He looked over to Minho.

“Yeah,” Felix smiled. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

“Yuh-Yeah!” Chan tried to smile back. “I just have to get home, come on Minho-ssi!” He walked over to Minho and practically pulled him by his arm.

“Oh!” Seungmin called. “We can walk you home!”

“No, no, no!” Chan turned and waved them off. “It’s fine!”

Still holding his arm, Chan started picking up the pace.

“Hyung what’s wrong? You’ve never been scared to get home after school.” Minho’s mind still hadn’t processed the change in scenery.

“ _I’m not scared._ It’s just… I’m always supposed to be home before my dad gets out of work.”

“When does he get home?”

Chan stopped and laughed. “Well, he gets home at ten minutes after six, and so that gives us two minutes to make a fifteen-minute walk.” Chan started to shake.

“Hyung it’s okay…” Minho went over to Chan and put his hand on his shoulder, only to have him shove it off.

“Come on, Minho-ah… let’s go before I’m dead.”

Minho didn’t know if he should take that as a joke or not.

The two didn’t say anything for the rest of the walk, they just progressively picked up speed. Minho felt a red anger bubble inside of him, he was having a fun time and Chan’s parents had to come and ruin it.

His mind raced back to a month ago when he and Chan were supposed to go out to the beach, Sangju beach, and Chan couldn’t swim because his ribs were bruised. He said he fell down the stairs and Minho pretended like he believed him.

He knew he only pretended to believe him so that he wouldn’t have to call the police and say goodbye to his best friend.

That thought drove a hot knife into his mind.

When they finally arrived at Chan’s house, there was no time to breathe, he just ran up to the door and pounded on it. Minho couldn’t read emotions that well (or, so he’s been told), but he knew fear.

“Don’t say anything, Minho-ah,”

He nodded.

A man opened the door, he was wearing a cotton grey suit. He wore clear glasses and had a cup of rum in his right hand.

“Why weren’t you home? You know the _one_ rule we have for you, Chris.”

He stood there casually, when Berry came to the door he shoved him away with his foot without even looking at the dog.

_You have a million and a half rules for him._

“I… I’m sorry, sir. I just stayed after school late with friends, I lost track of time.”

He cocked his head. “What friends?”

“Just some kids.”

The man looked at Minho. “He’s the only friend I trust with you, Chris. You’ve never spoken about any other friend.”

Chan hung his head. “I’m sorry, sir.”

The man smiled. _“It’s okay, Chris.”_

The English made his skin crawl.

“It won’t happen again, sir.”

Then, his mom came to the door. Her eyes were dark as she looked between the two boys.

“I know it won’t.” He grinned, “Come in, Chris, your mother has dinner set. Berry missed you dearly.”

Chan walked in, he didn’t even say goodbye to Minho. The door closed with a thunderous _THUD!_ that echoed through the whole neighborhood.

The slam clambered through his whole heart. Tears slipped down his face.

He walked home, his footsteps hard. _It’s not fair!_

He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t.

_I was having a good day._

Minho was happy that Chan’s birthday was coming up soon, he’d move in with them, and they could have happy days for the rest of their lives.

When he walked home he threw on a happy face and told his mom that he passed the auditions.

She told him that they had to celebrate and that she’d get him something when she came home from work. Tonight she didn’t wear a dress, she wore her outfit that she fixes cars with. A small part of Minho breathed easy at that.

Ten o’clock rolled around and Minho was in a Skype call with his friends while also texting the group chat.

**GROUP CHAT: oh god why?**

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_all I’m saying is that Jeongin is my boyfriend but Jisung is my husband_

**From: Jisungie**

_I never agreed to this._

_i never signed a prenup. We all know I’m richer than you._

**From: Seungmin-ah**

_I’m trying to sleep go suck each other’s dicks somewhere else_

**From: Minho-ah**

_They’re not as bad as other nights._

**From: Woojin hyung**

_That’s like saying that getting your leg chopped off isn’t as bad as getting your arm chopped off_

**From: Jisungie**

_ >:( _

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_guys?_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_Yeah, baby?_

**From: Felix-ah**

_Ew._

**From: Changbin-ssi**

_i second that._

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_Is Chan hyung okay? He’s normally on right now. Instagram says he hasn’t been active in hours._

**From: Minho-ah**

_he’s okay. long day._

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_Okay…_

Minho put his phone down at that.

He looked up at his friends who all had long faces.

“Is everything okay, Minho-ssi?” Jimin asked.

_No._

“Yeah!”

“Don’t lie to us,” Yoongi crossed his arms. “What’s up?”

“You can talk to us, man,” Namjoon whispered. Hoseok quietly agreed.

“It’s nothing. Had a long day is all.”

Everyone stayed quiet for a few minutes.

“Did the judges like your dance?” Hoseok asked.

Minho was quick to nod. “Yeah! They really enjoyed it, thank you Namjoon hyung for suggesting The Beatles.”

He smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Of course, man.”

The conversation dulled out a bit, the boys talked a lot about Daegu and the things Minho was missing, like Jimin flirting with everything that walked. Minho smiled along with all the stories, he found himself wishing it could be like it was back when he lived there; they’d all stay up late and simply talk under the stars.

Yoongi’s eyes quickly diverted from Minho. “You have a visitor.”

Minho sighed and spun around, Chan was there, black hair matted to forehead.

He slugged over to the window and opened it, a creaking sound vibrated throughout the room. Chan looked dazed, Minho couldn't see his face too well in the dim light.

“C’mere, before anyone sees you,” he pulled Chan into his room and he landed on the floor with a thud.

“Is that Chan hyung?” Minho heard Jimin ask. There was tension in the air that always came when Chan came to the window.

“Who else would it be?” Hoseok chuckled.

“Hey!” Chan started to stand, his knees were wobbling and he held onto the wall for support. He pointed sloppily at Minho’s computer. “I heard that, Hoseok hyung!”

“You were meant to!” They both laughed.

The only one to not seem in bright spirits to see Chan were Minho and Yoongi.

“Chrissy, come over here, please.”

“Uh-oh,” Chan laughed, “Gloss is mad at me!” He stumbled over to the screen and waved at the group.

“Is—Is that a _black eye,_ Chan?” Namjoon gasped.

Yoongi sighed. “That’s what I was wondering…”

“What?!” Minho yelled and ran over to his best friend. “Lemme see!”

Chan moved his head from side to side slowly batting Minho away. “It’s fine! It’s fine!”

Jimin crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat. “It’s doesn’t look fine, hyung. What happened?”

Minho finally got a hold of his head. “I’d like to know too.”

“Nothing! Fucking _whacked_ my head into the door tonight,” he giggled, “alcohol is a funny thing.”

Minho looked at the throbbing black and blue eye, the computer light helped make it look better, but Minho knew that in the morning it’d be so much worse.

Hoseok rolled his eyes. “This isn’t a laughing matter! You look really hurt.”

“You should put ice on it,” Yoongi shook his head.

“Shush, Hobi hyung! I’m okay, and no ice,”

Minho ended up accidentally bumping into Chan’s side and he let out a yelp of pain.

“Motherfucker!”

“What happened?!” Namjoon’s body tensed.

“I don’t know… Chan, is your body okay?”

Chan nodded and looked up at Minho. “Yeah! I just fell coming out of my house, nothing bad.”

Minho placed his hands on his hips. “If it’s nothing bad then let me see your chest.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Chan giggled, “not in front of everyone.”

Minho was taken aback. “This isn’t a time to joke, Chan.”

The almost eighteen-year-old sighed. “Fine. Fine, whatever,” he lifted up his shirt only to expose his hip. “See? I just tripped. I’m _fine_ ,” he hiccuped, “honest.”

“You promise?”

He nodded.

“No, I need to hear you say that you promise.”

Chan smiled and playfully shoved him. “Nothing happened, just wanted to spend the night with my best friend.” While saying this the boy walked over and collapsed onto Minho’s bed.

He turned back to his friends with an apologetic smile. “Gotta go…”

“Yeah…” Jimin paused, “be careful, man.”

“We’re always here for you,” Namjoon added, the others nodded.

“I know, love you guys,”

They all said that they loved him back. The screen went black and Minho had to force himself not to cry. For one more fleeting moment he wished he was a kid again.

He climbed into bed and Chan immediately attached to him.

Both of the boys fell asleep within ten minutes or so. They only awoke when Mija stepped in, she didn’t seem phased that Chan was there, she never did.

“I bought you a cupcake, angel,” she whispered. “I don’t want you having any sugar before bed, I know you don’t like that, so I’ll leave it in the fridge.”

“Thanks, mom.”

Chan snorted. “You’re the best, mom.”

“Channie,” she playfully smiled, “you hitting the bottle again?” Chan only smiled as a response.

“Tastes good.”

He sat up and cracked his back, he only slightly groaned in pain.

“Chan!” Mija suddenly yelled. “Baby, your eye!”

“Oh…” he chuckled, “it’s okay. Just hit my face while I fell.”

_While he fell…_

“Baby, let me get you a bag of frozen peas,”

“I’m fine, mom,”

Mija looked over to Minho who shook his head. She tisked and helped him off the bed, she seemed to block out the limp that Chan was sporting.

Minho found himself standing by the stove holding Dori close to his chest. He watched Mija gently put the bag to his face, he flinched and grabbed the counter for support.

“You have to be more careful next time, baby.”

“I know, mom. I know.”

Mija looked at Minho and gave him a half-smile. She mouthed the words thank you, Minho was too tired to wonder why.

After twenty minutes both boys fell ungraciously onto the bed, everyone assumed Chan fell back to sleep. Minho looked up at his mom and saw that her smile broke. She rubbed her face repeatedly and sighed. “I’m gonna let the cats sleep with me today, okay, angel?”

“Of course, mom. Love you,”

“Love you too, angel.”

After she left, he checked his phone once more.

**From: Jisungie**

_I’m proud of you for doing so well today <3 _

_have a goodnight._

**To: Jisungie**

_thank you_

**From: Jisungie**

_y r u up? Go to sleep_

**To: Jisungie**

_maybe later_

**From: Jisungie**

_:/_

_Okay hyung. Just don’t go to bed too late._

_If you don’t sleep well you’ll hurt your pretty face_

_OH SHIT I DIDNT MEAN TO SENDTHAT_

**To: Jisungie**

_It’s okay it’s okay thank you for the compliment_

_I’ll get to sleep later._

_Goodnight_

**From: Jisungie**

_night_

Minho then felt a wetness bleeding into his shirt. He looked over and saw that Chan was crying.

“Hyung…”

“The fall… it hurt, Minho-ah,” he started to sob. “The fall hurt a lot.”

Minho hugged him close to his chest and started shushing him. He stroked the back of his head. “I know,” he whispered.

_It’s okay, when it’s his birthday he’ll come live with us. He’ll be okay._

“I fell…” Chan whispered. “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to, Minho-ah. I just wanted—” he choked on his sobs— “I just wanted to have fun, but I fell. And, it hurts.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, hyung.”

“I did,” he nodded profusely, “I did. That’s why I fell.”

“Accidents happen, sometimes we’re out too late, it gets too dark, we don’t look where we’re going, and then we fall.”

Chan gripped onto Minho’s shirt. He fell back asleep like that, tears stained to his face.  
  


_ May 19th, 2019: _

_At the time I didn’t know I was on the Autism spectrum, so being in a situation like that was already stressful enough, that didn’t help anything._

_I didn’t know a lot about reading people and reacting to situations, everything had a slight delay._

_My therapist now tells me that it’s okay that I didn’t help, I was young, and I should try and stop feeling guilty for what happened._

_But, that’s hard._

_I try and tell myself every day that_ _ the actions you do as a teenager shouldn’t leave behind a longing guilt in your adult life, _ _and it’s slowly working._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep this between you and I, okay? But I edited the last part of the chapter to War of Hormone. Something about Jungkook singing “Yes I’m a bad boy, so I like bad girls” really made me wanna edit lasting effects of child abuse. That stays between us, okay?
> 
> Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> If you wanna earn my other stuff I promise it’s not the worst thing you’ll ever read. Maybe.


	5. Bad Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t react the way Minho does in this chapter with the situation that’s presented. If you suspect your friend of being abused (no matter if they deny it or not), always reach out for help. The unfortunate matter is that a lot of people do react the way Minho does, so please learn from his mistakes. 
> 
> Chapter title based on Bad Liar by Imagine Dragons.

_ May 20th, 2019: _

_Nothing of interest happened between then and Chan’s birthday, in all honesty. Chan didn’t come to see me at night for a while, and he and I grew closer with the boys, but that was about it._

_Now, as a preface for this part of the essay, I wished I handled the situation_ much _different. I wished I had talked to Chan more instead of just yelling at him. He didn’t deserve that, but, again, I was just a kid. I hope if someone reads this and they’re going through something like this, they_ talk _to the child of abuse instead of just not understanding them._

_All things considered the morning started out pretty well, I checked my messages and saw that_

 

_ October 3rd, 2015: _

Jeongin was spamming the group chat.

 **GROUP CHAT: oh god why?**  

 **From: Jeongin-ah**  

_guys_

_GUYS_  

_g u us_

_GUYS*_

**From: Seungmin-ah**  

_FOR THE LOVE OF GOD W H A T_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_Don’t be mean to him._

_What is it, baby?_

**From: Felix-ah**  

_throws up_

**From: Channie hyung**

_what’s up?_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_TWO THINGS O N E_

_HAPPYBIRTHDAYCHANHYUNG_

**From: Minho-ssi**

_We all already wished him a happy birthday_

**From: Woojin hyung**

_Yeah you’re late_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_ >:( _

**From: Jisungie**

_That’s my thing! >:( _

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_Not anymore._

_Anyway the other thing_

_SO_  

 _I CAN SING_  

 _MINHO CAN SING_  

_FELIX CAN RAP_

**From: Changbin-ssi**

_please stop sending messages one at a time_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_Fine. Minho can sing, so can myself, Seungmin, and Woojin. Hyunjin can rap along with Changbin, Felix, Jisung, and Chan._  

**From: Jisungie**

_Hyunjin can rap like a donkey but pop off sis_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_Suck a dick I’m good_

**From: Minho-ssi**  

 _...where are you going with this, Jeongin?_  

**From: Woojin hyung**

_Yes seriously_  

 **From: Jeongin-ah**  

 _There’s a talent show coming up in February_  

_Winner gets 1,400,000 won_

**From: Seungmin-ah**

_Wait… wait… you me to tell me..._  

_We have talent at that school?_

**From: Jisungie**  

 _you have me?_  

**From: Seungmin-ah**

_So that’s a no_

**From: Felix-ah**

_pfffffffft_

_So what we gonna be a band or something?_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_I didn’t know the school could afford a new front door never mind 1,400,000 won_  

_Damn._

**From: Jeongin-ah**  

 _YES! A band!!_  

_Our name will be Stray Kids_

**From: Woojin hyung**  

_...stray kids?_

**From: Channie hyung**  

 _That’s cool!_  

**From: Changbin-ssi**

_It sounds like a children’s book_  

**From: Minho-ssi**

_For what it’s worth I like it_

_Dunno if I’ll join the band but I think it’s cool_

**From: Jisungie**

_WHAT?!?! Come on Hyung you gotta!_

**From: Channie hyung**

_I’m not being in a band without my best friend._

**From: Minho-ssi**

_Idk. I haven’t done anything on stage in years_  

**From: Woojin hyung**

_Well you have months to work and cope on that_

_Don’t stress that now_

_If that’s the only thing keeping you from joining a band with a name that sounds like the edgiest thing ever, then join :)_

**From: Jeongin-ah**  

_ >:( _

_It’s a good name_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_Yes it is sweetheart_

**From: Felix-ah**

**From: Changbin-ssi**

_okay._

_The name is stupid but I like that idea_

_Please join us Minho?_

**From: Hyunjin-ah**

_Yeah!_  

 **From: Jisungie**  

 _Please, hyung?_  

 **From: Seungmin-ah**  

 _Okay in all honesty_  

 _It won’t be fun without you, Minho_  

**From: Minho-ssi**

_…_

_...alright I’ll join…_

**From: Jeongin-ah**

_YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  

 _FUCKING Y E A H AND I KNOW JISUNG CHANGBIN AND CHAN LIKE WRITING SONGS SO THEY CAN BRAINSTORM THAT!_  

 **From: Changbin-ssi**  

 _Or were you just too lazy to write a song yourself?_  

 **From: Jeongin-ah**  

_Also that_

_Okay cool! We’ll start practicing later :)_

Minho smiled and put down his phone, all things considered, he was in a good mood. The day he’s been waiting for has _finally come,_ it’s Chan’s birthday and that means he can come live with them. He can be away from everything. 

He ran into the kitchen, grin plastered on his face, he practically dragged Mija outside and yelled at her to step on it. Hell, she wasn’t even annoyed at his antics, she was grinning ear-to-ear as well.

_ June 30th, 2015: _

Just as luck would have it, three days into trying to blend into his new life, Minho would be helping a boy with a bloody nose. 

It was a pretty normal Wednesday, Minho had Skyped his friends for a few hours, and Minho wanted to take a walk. With his music playing and the sun beating on him, he was relaxed. As a few people walked by him, he couldn’t find it in him to make eye contact and wave at them, but he tried to not come off as an asshole. 

The walk was going well, he was listening to Big Bang, a group Jimin and Yoongi were currently obsessing over, and taking in the scenery. He approached a wooded area that strayed from the sidewalk.  

He was always a curious kid when he was walking, always finding himself in places he shouldn’t be. He figured he’d walk down the rocky path and turn back once he got bored. His mom, hard at work, would be none the wiser. 

He crept down the path until he found a river. It was pretty deep and you could easily drown if you didn’t look where you were going. What didn’t help were the jagged rocks at the bottom, Minho didn’t want to imagine what would happen if you cut yourself on one of those. 

He followed the river upstream and smiled at all the frogs leaping from one rock to another. He continually looked back, just to make sure he didn’t lose his way, he was pretty deep in, but his memory never failed him before. 

Everything stopped once he heard whimpering coming up a small hill. At first Minho’s mind took a dirtier turn, and he almost ran away, but the whimpering soon turned into crying. No matter how much his anxiety spiked, he still felt guilty. 

Minho squinted and saw someone with his back turned to him, his head hung low. 

His mom always told him one thing: _“A crying person needs one thing: Comfort._ _Always be willing to comfort those you see crying._ _You’d want someone to do the same.”_

He swallowed dry, taking out his earbuds. He took tentative steps towards the person, the crying got louder. 

The person only snapped their head around when Minho accidentally stepped on a stick. The _crack!_ sound it made caused Minho to jump back. 

In a flash the two were staring at each other, however that ‘flash’ really was just that fast, Minho quickly looked down, his face growing red. 

“I’m—I’m suh-sorry… I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Minho glanced up, but he only looked at the person’s nose and saw a stream of blood coming out. 

The person, a young boy with dark brown hair, shook his head. “No, no! It’s fine,” he smiled, his voice slurred, “didn’t know anyone would be here.”

Minho bit the inside of his cheek, he looked around noticing a liquor bottle in the boy’s right hand. 

The only thing that centered Minho was the steady river flow to his right. 

“Are… are you okay? Your nose is bleeding, and you’re drinking...”

He saw the boy nod so fast he’s surprised his head didn’t fall off. “Yeah! Took this from my dad,” he chuckled, “he got mad and— and… and I fell! Fucking whacked my nose is all!”  

Minho saw him chuckle and so he followed along. “I’m sorry…” there was a beat of silence before Minho had a bright idea. “I have tissues,” he saw the boy’s eyes lighten, “I sneeze sometimes in the warm weather suh-so I’m always prepared!”  

With shaky hands he held out the wad of tissues. The boy took them gratefully and started wiping the blood off leaving streaks of pale red behind. He watched as the boy before him smiled. There were still tears in his eyes.

“You wanna sit?”

 _No._  

Minho nodded. 

They sat together on a smooth gray rock. They watched the water for a good two minutes, the boy aggressively wiping the still dripping blood. Now there was a dark stain forming on the front of his shirt. 

“You new here?” 

Minho nodded.

“You’re the one that took up Kim Saehun’s house?”

He nodded once again. 

“You don’t say much,” he smiled, “do you?”

Minho felt his ears begin to boil. “I’m sorry!” 

The boy grinned, all his teeth shining bright, “It’s okay! You also seem like someone who apologizes a lot.”

Minho itched the back of his neck. “I do, I’m sorry…” 

The boy shook his head. “I’m Bang Chan, I’m from Australia, English name is Chris, but don’t call me that,” he laughed and so Minho laughed. “Do you have a name?”

“O-oh, of course, Lee Minho. I don’t have an English name.”

“That’s fine! Minho’s a nice name,” Chan said as he dabs a new tissue around his nose. “It’s common, but pretty. Where are you from?”

“Daegu…”

Chan almost choked. “You’re from Daegu?! You?! Gosh, how did you not get beaten _alive,_  I’ve heard that place is _rough._ ” 

Minho shook his head and started playing with his shirt, the cotton feeling calmed him. “It’s not so bad,”  

“Well, what are you doing out here?”

He shrugged. “I like exploring…”

There were a few minutes of silence. “Do you have any friends?”

“No… not here at least,” a quick flash of his boys popped up, “my mom is signing me up for dance class, though.”

“That’s awesome! You’ll meet your second friend there!”

Minho slowly turned to look at Chan. He saw the drying blood around his lips, but the genuine smile that shone brightly. “Second?” 

Chan nodded. “After me, of course! I can already tell we’re gonna be best friends,” he smiled, “I can help show you around if you want!” 

“Aren’t you… drunk?”

Chan shook his head. “A little tipsy; you want a sip?”

Minho shook his head rapidly. “No thank you. I hate the smell.”

He heard Chan laugh, he laughed like a father would. “Good choice, bad dependence this is. Hey,” he paused for a moment and pulled out some money, “I snagged some of this. You want to get a bite to eat?” 

“I couldn’t…”

“Sure you can! Least I can do,” he smiled, “you were kind. Kindness deserves a reward!”

Minho

 

 _ October 3rd, 2015: _ 

knocked on the front door, his mom waiting patiently in the car. 

He could hear shuffling going on inside and the echoing sounds of Berry barking hysterically. He stood there in high hopes, Chan was eighteen, he could leave.  

Then Chan opened the door. “Minho-ssi! I wasn’t expecting you today, is everything okay?” He stepped out and smiled.

Minho, a little confused, nodded. “Yeah. Happy birthday by the way!”

“Thanks, man! Finally an adult!”

Minho smiled. “Yeah! Are you ready to go?”

Chan seemed taken aback. “Go where? Are we rehearsing already for the band?” 

“What?” Minho takes a step back. “N-No. You’re moving out…” he said in more of a questioning tone. “You’re an adult, you can come live with us.”

The air between them changed. Chan furrowed his eyebrows and looked between him and the door. “I never agreed to leave.”

“What?! But that’s been the plan for _forever_!”

“No,” Chan sighed, “that was _your_ plan. I never once said I’d go and live with you, not until we’re in college.”

Minho couldn’t understand this. Everything was fine. They were ready to get Chan and _leave._ Chan could finally be happy and away from everything. 

He stared at his friend. “But… but you can escape. Why wouldn’t you?” He gasped.

“I have no reason to leave.”

“You have every reason to lea—!”

“—keep your voice down!” Chan gripped onto Minho’s arm and pulled him down the broken wooden staircase. “I don’t have to leave, Minho!”

Minho felt a rush of fear run through his arms, his legs, and his heart. He felt a bruise form from how hard Chan held onto him. His mind couldn’t keep up with what was happening. 

“Chan…” he breathed, the two must look crazy to outsiders, “you're being… _abused_.”

That was it. That was the first time he had ever said those words.

Chan stared at him, and Minho tried _so hard_ to keep the eye contact. Slowly his best friend released his grip, only to rapidly shake his head.

“No… no, _no._ They don’t. I’m the one that fucks up, Minho-ah. Sure we _fight,_ but it’s not…” he leans in closer, he spoke in a whisper, “it’s not _abuse._ I’m safe, Minho.” 

Minho took a step back, he couldn’t believe who he was looking at. This person was his best friend? _Chan?_ The same Chan who beat a kid up for calling Minho names? The same Chan who stood up for people, and who always knew the difference between right and wrong?

“Chan hyung… I know what they do…”

“I _fall._ They don’t _hit me_ , Minho-ah!”

Minho, never being good with confrontation, second guessed all of his words. Out of all the ways he thought this was going to go, this was not one of them. 

“But… But you came to my house one time when one of your _teeth_ fell out.”

“I’m a clutz,” he laughed, but it sounded strained, “I fell on my way there! Nothing bad is happening to me. They’re my _parents_ , they _love_ me.”

 _Parents._ Chan never calls them his parents, he always uses their real names. 

_That’s not love, hyung._

At this point maybe Chan really _did_ think that was love. 

The next thing Minho knew was that his mom had come into the picture. 

“You’re not coming, Channie?” 

“No, mom. I…” Minho knew what Chan was doing, he was pausing and scrunching his eyebrows, he was trying to not cry. “I’m not— I _can’t._ I won’t leave my parents.”

Mija stepped over to Minho and wrapped her right arm around him. Minho’s vision had gone blurry, his whole day _shattered._  

“Okay, baby. You don’t have to,” Mija smiled, “but know that we’re always here f—”

The front door creeped open. His mother, Jiae, stepped out. She was wearing a black dress that touched the ground, her hair was already turning gray. She looked out at the trio, her eyes locked on Chan.

“Sweetheart! Come in, please! You can go out tomorrow.” 

Minho wanted to puke. 

Chan started to walk away. Before he got up the stairs he turned to Minho. _‘I’m sorry’_ he mouthed. 

The door shut and immediately there was yelling, Berry started barking. Minho could make out the sound of something heavy falling, and then there was the crying.  

Everything in Minho’s stomach started to swirl, he ran back to the car and started heaving but nothing came out. His hands started vibrating and his breathing weakened.

“Angel,” Minho heard his mom rushing over. “Angel, shush, you’re okay.” Her words made Minho start to cry, he wailed as he found anything to grip onto. 

“It’s not _fair,_ mom,” he choked out a sob and fell to his knees. Mija held onto him and eventually he started to throw up all of his breakfast. His body vibrated and a thick feeling of vomit lingered in the back of his throat. 

“Shush, angel,” his mom whispered. “You’re okay.”

“But… but...” another set of tears came out, “But _he’s_ not!” 

Mija, kneeling on the concrete, brought Minho into her arms and stroked the back of his head. She let him grip into her shirt, the texture relaxed a part of him. 

“He’s being hurt, mom,” he cried.

“I know he is…”

“Are we gonna call the police?” He felt his mom shake her head.

“He’s an adult now, angel, he can make his own choices. He’s still your best friend, nothing will change that.”

He knew in his heart that calling someone was the right idea, but that fear was back. _What if he never saw Chan again?_ Was it selfish to think that? Maybe, but Minho didn’t know what else to do. 

“Mom…” he whispered after a moment. He wasn’t sure what time it was or how long they’d been out. For all he knew a minute could have passed by, or an entire year. 

“Yeah, angel?”

“Can,” he sniffled and wiped a tear off his cheek, “can I take a walk, please?”

Mija took a breath. “Sure, angel. Just be safe, okay?”

Soon, Minho took to walking as his coping strategy. He felt his Daegu group chat go off, but no part of him wanted to talk to them. 

Every step he took felt more automatic than the last, it was like his body moved for him. He didn’t have control at the moment, he was just along for the ride. 

His mind was still reeling over everything, his heart was filled with regret and an odd sense of hate. He wasn’t exactly sure _who_ he hated, or _what_ he hated, but that bitter feeling was still there. 

_ July 16th, 2015: _

It was a cool summer night and Minho stayed up late to play PC games with his friends. For awhile it was all five of them, but now it was just Minho and Yoongi.  

Yoongi, with his recently white dyed hair and black tee shirt, who was currently kicking Minho’s ass. 

“Fucking,” Yoongi spun around in his chair, “ _loser_ _._ God, can’t even keep yourself alive for ten minutes at a time!”

Minho pouted and crossed his arms. “Piss off, _Agust_D666.”_

Yoongi smirked. “You’re one to talk, _Lee.Know.69_.” 

Making fun of one another’s screen name was a past time they’ve been sharing for years now.

Their banter continued for several minutes, each finding new and clever ways to make fun of each other being gay; as two gay teenagers do.

Minho just got done with a laughing fit when Yoongi’s face went serious. “What is it, hyung?” 

Yoongi cocked his head. “Someone’s at your window…”

“What?!” Minho spun around and saw Chan standing there, a crooked smile plastered on his face. Minho shook his head slightly. “What the…” 

“Should you call the cops?” Yoongi asked.

Minho stood up and waved him off. “No, no, that’s Chan.” He got to his window and just barely heard Yoongi say _“Oh! Nosebleed kid!”_

Minho opens his window. “What… are you doing here, hyung?”  

“Oh…” Chan looked down, “well, my room felt boring and I came to you! First sleepover in a new city?”

Minho, who couldn't read new people very well, saw the despair in Chan’s eyes. He stuttered for a moment and looked around his room, for what, he wasn’t sure. 

“I mean… I guess so…?”

He pulled his friend, who was all smiles, in his room. The next two minutes were spent answering all of Yoongi’s questions. 

After getting everything sorted out, Chan slowly laid down one Minho’s bed. “Wow! I’ve been using the same mattress since I was seven, this is the _shit_! I don’t even have anything for my bed to rest on, it’s just smack dab in the floor.” 

Chan didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with that statement as he stared up at the ceiling, grinning. 

He turned to face Minho.

“Minho…

 

_ October 3rd, 2015: _

...Minho?”

Minho was shocked back into reality, he darted his head around and quickly realized where he was: a bus stop. He looked to where the voice was coming from and then small the fragile who started it all: Yang Jeongin.

The boy in question smiled coyly. “We need to stop meeting like this, people are gonna start talking.” 

Throughout this whole day, Minho needed a genuine laugh, and Jeongin was always one to provide that. He could make a kicked puppy smile and jump around.

“You okay?”

In truth, Minho didn’t even remember how he’d gotten here, he supposed he blanked out. He’s just happy he didn’t end up dead in the river where he first met Chan. He had a general idea of where he was, he was sure he was around the area where Hyunjin and Jisung lived.

“Yuh-Yeah, don’t worry…”

“You look like you’ve been crying, hyung?”

Jeongin is not someone to beat around the bush, that’s for sure. He stood there waiting, one hand on his hips. 

Minho flushed. “Just a bad day is all.”

He saw Jeongin’s face fall. He scrunched up his lips, and his shoulders stopped tensing. 

“Come and walk with me then?”

Minho blinked. “Whu-What?”

Jeongin simply shrugged. “I’ll take you to Jisung’s house.”

Minho sprung to his feet, his heart pumping a mile a minute. “No, no! It’s fine!”

Jeongin let his head hang to the side. “Then why else are you here? I know you’re not here to see Hyunjin, I love him dearly and want to marry him, but no one wants to just _hang out_ with him, he’s a loser. And Jisung lives a block away, _if that._ Why else are you here?”

Minho couldn’t explain the situation he was in, hell, he was trying to forget what had happened himself. He saw the look on Jeongin’s face and knew he wasn’t getting out without at least a _hint_ of a good explanation.  

“I… was just taking a walk is all…” 

Jeongin stared blankly. “And a walk lead you to spacing out at a bus stop?”

He shrugged. “It’s a— it’s a good resting point…”

“Uh-huh… well, even still, you should come and see Jisung. He’s alone today. Woojin is working on finding a place for his restaurant; Chan—” Minho tried not to flinch— “is off doing whatever; Hyunjin and I are going on a date; Seungmin is sacrificing a goat to Satan, _probably_ , and Changbin and Felix are studying. And, by studying I mean eye fucking each other.” 

Minho had gotten used to Jeongin’s kind bluntness.  

“So, you and Jisung are left, come on.”

Minho was in no position to say no. He couldn’t find it in himself to cause another fight, his mind was still busy replaying what happened with Chan like it was some cinematic movie. To say no now would mean disappointing another one of his friends, and Minho felt like would hurl if he did that again.

So, off Minho went. Thankfully the walk wasn’t that long, but on the way Jeongin mostly spoke about Jisung’s mom, Han Seoyoon. He talked about her like she hung the stars and moon, he told Minho that she was everyone’s mom. Everyone loved her like that. She was an escape from whatever other family trouble someone had.

In the back of Minho’s mind, he knew that was what he needed, _an escape._

When they got to Jisung’s house, Minho stood behind Jeongin and he rang the bell. The sound echoed throughout the entire house. 

Jisung lived in the sort of house you’d film movies at. It was well-kempt, and they had flowers of every kind growing. There were even several vegetables growing. 

Too busy admiring the outside, Minho didn’t notice that Han Seoyoon opened the door holding one of the Hwang siblings, Jaemin. He was wearing a bright pink sweater and blue jeans. He waved at the two teenagers before hiding his head into Seoyoon’s shoulder.

“I see you’re babysitting again, mom.”

Seoyoon smiled and rolled her eyes. “What can I say, he’s my favorite little boy,” she leaned away from the house, “don’t tell Jisungie that.”

The two chuckled. 

“And, you’re the new one,” Seoyoon turned to Minho, “you’re Lee Minho, right?” 

Minho rubbed his hands over his pants. “Yuh-Yes.” 

Seoyoon smiled. “Sungie talks a lot about you, I think he likes you,” she winked. Minho flushed as Jeongin nudged his shoulder. 

“Well, I invited him over so he could formally meet you without a birthday going on.” He hugged Seoyoon and tapped Minho’s shoulder. 

 _“Catch ya on the flip side, dude.”_ He said in perfect English. Minho would have laughed if it was any other day. 

“Well, sweetie, you’re always welcomed here! Doors always open!” 

Minho bowed. “Thank you, Han Seoyoon.”

“Oh,” she fawned, “so polite. Come in, sweetie!”

When Minho walked in he saw that the floor was made bright wood and white carpeting. The house was somehow bigger on the inside. 

Jaemin escaped from Seoyoon’s arms and ran into the kitchen screaming that he wanted a snack. Minho watched as Seoyoon smiled fondly. “I’ll call Sungie for you, sweetie.” 

At that moment the two of them heard a door upstairs swing open. 

“Or, maybe I didn’t have too.”

A heavy set of footsteps came flying down the stairs. “I heard Jeongin-ah here, mom! I swear to god if he didn’t return my sweat— oh.” Jisung flying came down the stairs and gripped onto the banister. He stared at Minho, face red. 

Minho saw that his normal brown hair was now a dark blue. The memory of them at lunch came back and he smiled. 

Seoyoon looked between them. “I’ll leave you two alone.”  

Minho swallowed. “I… I’m sorry…”

“Duh-Don't be sorry! It’s okay! I just wasn’t expecting you…” He frantically used his arms as he spoke. “I don’t mind the company,” he smiled wearily as he looked anywhere except Minho’s eyes, Minho was happen to do the same. “It’s just… are you okay? Did something happen?”

_Everything happened._

Minho shook his head and grabbed the end of his shirt and started tugging at it. “No… I was just walking and Jeongin brought me here…”

“Oh! Okay, well,” he cleared his throat, “do you like my hair? Woojin did it for me yesterday.”

He always found it odd that Jisung jumped from one conversation to the next, he never had time to sit with a topic and just _enjoy it._ However, Minho glanced up at him and the blue hair was a good choice. He gave him a small nod. “I like it…” his voice was almost a whisper. 

Jisung put on one of his smiles that could save the world. Minho figures that it may even be brighter than Hoseok’s smile. 

“Duh-Do you wanna come upstairs?” 

After everything, Minho needed to forget, if only for a day. He needed a break. 

The smile he gave to Jisung was genuine. “Sure.”

Jisung almost giggled as he turned and ran up the stairs. 

_ May 20th, 2019: _

_Please don’t think that I hated Chan, no part of me ever did and no part of me ever will. I loved that man so much, I just needed a break from him. I didn’t know what else to do._

_I was scared and ran away from my problems._

_However, I got closer to my high school love, even if that didn’t last forever, he was still my first… everything._

_Look, being a teenager is absolutely awful and you’re gonna go through so many different emotions all in one day. Hell, you may even experience emotions no one has ever felt before… okay maybe not to_ that _extent, but it sure felt like that._ _Plus, my perception of emotions isn’t as good as others, due to where I am in the Autism spectrum._

 _What I’m trying to say is that being a teenager is hard, and really, it only gets harder. So _ _take every chance you can to be a teenager and smile._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stayed up all night today just to see the DAY6 and NCT Dream comeback, ha. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


	6. The Jisung Effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much love Minsung.

_ May 20th, 2019: _

_ Spending my time with Jisung when it was just the two of us was always strange. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but it always felt like I was floating when I was with him. I know now that I was just developing a crush, but in the moment it felt like I was going to die.  _

_ I remember his room vividly, all the BigBang and Girls Generation posters (he went on and on about how much he loved Tiffany). He had a lava lamp, a cramped twin size bed with a space themed comforter. There was a PlayStation, and just about everything a teenage boy could want.  _

_ I remember the first thing he showed me: a Word document opened with his ideas for the song for the band. I was so shocked to learn that he already had something planned. The song was called Hellevator, and it perfectly encompassed the edgy depressed side of teenagers.  _

_ He was so giddy to show me the first eight lines of the song.  _

_ Holy shit (am I allowed to swear in these?), I remember his smile like it was yesterday. That’s something I never forgot about him. I’ve said this a thousand and one times, but Han Jisung’s smile is God’s gift to humanity.  _

_ Maybe it’s my good memory, or the fact that I truly believe you remember your first love better than any other, that I’ve never lost the mental image of Jisung.  _

_ I haven’t seen him in years and still, everything he did stays in my mind.  _

_ I remember him looking over at me _  
  
  


_ October 3rd, 2015: _

and he couldn’t meet Minho’s gaze. “Sorry I’m rambling, it’s just that Tiffany is  _ so cool!” _

Minho, who was currently on his bed, looked down at his lap and smiled. The events of the early afternoon still echoed in his mind, but Jisung helped to mute them, even just a little. 

“It’s okay,” he couldn’t help the smile that came across him, “I— I like her too, but Taeyeon is my favorite member…”

“Oh!” Jisung exclaimed. The sudden loudness caused Minho’s heart to race and caused him to start rubbing his jeans. “I like her too!”

Minho felt like Jisung wanted him to speak, but Minho couldn’t find words. Instead the teen continued to feel the fabric back and forth of his jeans on his thumb. He heard the squeaking of Jisung’s chair as the younger ran to his closet. 

He watched as he shifted through many shirts, muttering something Minho couldn’t quite pick up. He watched until he heard Jisung gasp and pull out a shirt. He spun around and showed it to Minho.

It was an off-white t-shirt with a print of Abbey Road on it. Minho’s eyes almost bulged out of his head, he had always wanted a Beatles shirt, but they were hard to find in Korea. 

“This is my dads,” Jisung said, his voice trailed off at the end. He walked over and sat next to Minho, his smile returned once he passed it over to the anxious boy. “I’ve noticed you get anxious sometimes and you pick or run your fingers over your clothes, Jisoo does the same thing sometimes, and you like the Beatles, so here.” 

Jisung plopped the shirt onto his lap. Minho couldn’t believe it, he tentatively picked up and turned to face Jisung. His face had gone beet red. 

“I— thank you, but… but I can’t…”

Jisung laughed. “Sure you can! I don’t want you feeling anxious in my house, and plus, I’m not super big into the Beatles, so you can use it! Consider it an early birthday gift.”

Minho felt his heart stop for a moment and then pick back up. This will be the second time a friend had gotten him something that wasn’t on his actual birthday. 

“You…” when Minho turned to look at Jisung, every inch of him wanted to look him in the eye, but he could only do it for a few seconds. “You remembered?”

“October twenty-fifth!”

Minho saw Jisung bite his bottom lip. “I can’t take it, Jisungie… your dad gave it to you…”

“And, he always said that it’s better to give than receive or keep. I have other things that he gave me too, he’d be happy to know I was thinking of someone else.”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, at least fidget with it for now and see what you wanna do later,” he said.

Minho bit the inside of his cheek. “Okay…”

He started to fidget with the shirt and run his thumb over Paul McCartney’s face. He did notice his anxiety steadily declining. The fabric of something always helped him as a kid to calm down, he had always assumed that it was just a shy anxious thing, no one ever told him otherwise. 

Minho felt Jisung looking at him. It wasn’t a harsh stare he felt, but rather a stare you’d give to a small puppy. Minho glanced up at Jisung and smiled. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

He saw Jisung quickly look away, he started rubbing the back of his next. “It’s… it’s nothing really,” he chuckled, “I don’t mind.”

Minho smiled to himself and enjoyed a comfortable silence. However, because he was with Jisung, that silence didn’t last long. The boy in question coughed and started messing with his new blue hair. 

“So… what brings you here?”

Minho knew this question would come up eventually, that’s why he was letting Jisung ramble on about everything he saw and thought. Maybe it was a way to try and forget what happened, or maybe he was just scared to see Jisung’s reaction.

Minho shrugged. “I was walking and Jeongin-ah found me and then brought me here…”

Jisung lulled his head to the side and sighed. “I know I haven’t known you for long, but I’m  _ pretty sure  _ you’re lying to me. I can see it written on your face, hyung.”

For some reason Minho blushed. “It’s nothing.”

“Can you please tell me if you’re at least  _ okay?” _

It was at that moment that Minho officially hated himself. He hated that his heart sunk at Jisung’s words and regret and guilt started to fill his mind. He wasn’t sure who he was more mad at, himself, Chan, or Chan’s parents. 

He could feel his body begin to shake, anxiety overtook him. He nodded, “Yeah.”

There was a beat of silence. When the silence started getting too loud, Minho tentatively looked over at Jisung and saw that his body was tense.

“Hyung… what happened?”

Minho started to ball up the shirt. Nothing seems to go well for him right now. He almost laughed, this whole day has just been so ridiculously  _ stupid.  _ However, when he tried to laugh, all that came out was a quivering breath, and when he tried to smile, it looked like the end of his lips were sewn upwards. 

He felt Jisung move closer to him, a small part of him wanted to close the gap between them and have  _ some  _ physical contact, be he knew better; that would set him off. Physical contact and a hyperactive state of mind was never a good equation when it came to Minho. Jisung seemed to read that and kept a five inch gap. 

“Did someone hurt you?”

Minho shook his head in short bursts. “Nuh-No…”

“Something at home?”

Minho let himself sigh. “No… n-no, no I just—” he sighs—“I got into a fight with Chan.”

Jisung choked, on what Minho wasn’t sure. “Wuh-What? Really? About what?” Leave it to Jisung and his childlike blunt curiosity. 

Minho shrugged. “I…” he had to catch himself from even  _ hinting  _ at what was happening. He couldn’t let anyone else know what Chan was going through, he even denied all accusations Yoongi made. He had to be stuck with this secret by himself because even his own mother didn’t want to do anything else to help. 

He took a breath, hearing Jeongyeon’s words rattle in his head.  _ “Just take a few breaths, Minho. Remind yourself that you’re in the present moment.” _

_ I’m in the present moment. _

“Nothing, really. It’s just something didn’t go the way I planned.”

Jisung moves away from Minho, only an inch. He pursed his lips and twiddled with his thumbs. “Well, you can tell me more when you want to— _ if  _ you want to.”

_ Never. _

“Okay…”

At that Jisung smiled and after a moment of silence he hopped off the bed and walked to the window closet to his bed. “Y’know, out of all the ways I thought tonight would go, I never expected to have a cutie on my bed,” he chuckled. 

Minho managed to smile.  _ He’s trying to alleviate the tension, that’s all. It’s nothing more, Minho. _

“Life is strange like that. That’s what my mom always says.”

“She’s a smart woman then,” Jisung smiled as he stared out at the now dark blue sky. There was only the slightest hint of the sun continuing to set over the horizon. 

“Yeah… I had two of them.” Minho shocked himself at his own words. He never spoke about his other mother to anyone, not even Chan knew much about her.

Jisung’s attention was piqued. “You had two moms?”

_ Well, there’s no getting out of this now.  _

He nodded and quickly glanced up to see Jisung ungraciously glide back onto his desk chair. It seemed that Jisung had completely forgotten the awkward conversation they just had.

“Is she gay?”

Once again, Minho nodded. “Yeah,” he chuckled dryly. He didn’t know what else to say, or even if there  _ was  _ anything else  _ to _ say. 

However, leave it to Jisung to always wonder about everything. “Wow… wish my mom was gay—  _ not that I didn’t love my dad!  _ Wow, he was  _ incredible.  _ He could do anything, and I’ll always—” he stops himself— “sorry. I’m rambling.”

When Minho smiled, it actually reached his eyes, the tension of a few moments ago was finally starting to leave his mind. Maybe that was just the Jisung Effect. 

“It’s okay. And, it’s not anything special.”

Jisung over exaggerated his eye roll. “Would’ve made the coming out process easier!”

Minho’s heart picked up its pace, but only for a moment. When he started to speak, sweat formed on his neck. “You… came out…?”

Jisung looked taken aback. “Of course! I mean, it wasn’t really  _ needed,  _ even little JaeJae knew I was bi. But, I mean, one day my mom pulled me aside and looked me right in the eye and went,” Jisung cleared his throat and started speaking in an obnoxiously high voice, “she went:  _ Jisungie, my love. I know you like girls, but I found your… suggestive photos on your phone. Something you wanna say?  _ And, well, cat has been out of the bag ever since!” He grinned. 

For the first time all day, Minho laughed. He laughed so hard he fell on the bed and ended up staring at a sea of glow-in-the-dark stars. The joke wasn’t even  _ that  _ funny, but nevertheless he needed that laugh. 

Jisung ended up lying down next to Minho, both of them looking at the stars. 

“What’s it like?”

“Hmm?”

“Having a gay mom, what’s it like?”

Minho chuckled. “I assume it’s like having a mom and dad, it’s nothing special, except you gotta hide it from some people,” Minho tried to make a joke, but it fell short as all Jisung did was gaze at Minho. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, hyung.”

Minho sighed. “It’s all right, that’s the past anyway.”

“You don’t have to answer this, but you only ever talk about one of your moms, is the other…?” Jisung left the question hanging there for Minho to continue. A part of him (a very big one) didn’t want to bring up his other mother, but he figured he can’t keep more than one thing from Jisung tonight. Or any night. 

“No… no, she left us when I was five, found someone else I guess.” 

Once again, Jisung was taken aback. “That’s  _ fucked,  _ hyung. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s whatever, not the worst thing that's ever happened in my life.” 

“Still,” Jisung rolled his eyes, “you didn’t deserve that. No kid deserves that.” 

For someone who wasn’t the  _ best _ at picking up subtle hints, Minho understood there was more to that. Every kid that’s lost a parental figure can understand each other’s grief, at least to an extent. 

For the first time since they’ve gotten up here, they finally let themselves have a few minutes of silence. They both stayed in each other's company and Minho knew in his heart that Jisung was counting the stars with him.  

Minho surprised himself by breaking the silence. “Thank you,” his voice barely went above a whisper, “thank you for letting me in.” 

Jisung, who was already looking at him, beamed. “Of course! Wasn’t just gonna throw a face like that out on the street.” 

Both of the boys laughed. 

Jisung was the first to move. He sat up like he just had the most  _ brilliant  _ idea, Minho followed his lead and sat up. He gave Jisung a confused look. 

“You wanna go out?”

Minho’s eyes bulge for a moment, he felt his heart knocking all around his chest. He stuttered for a moment, unable to even get a breath in. 

Jisung, seeming to notice the state he was in, quickly added: “ _ Not like that!  _ I mean… I don’t even know if you’re  _ gay  _ because, y’know, I don’t wanna  _ assume  _ or anything and—” he sighs—“rambling again, I’m sorry,” Jisung looked down and chuckled, “that’s not what I meant. I meant like… like go  _ outside _ .”

Minho, who was still trying to process all of the words Jisung just threw at him left and right, was now shell shocked by the sudden question. “Go outside? Isn’t it a little late?”

Minho didn’t even know what he was saying, he was the one out walking at an ungodly hour back in September when this whole thing started. 

Jisung winked at him. “Not in terms of Jisung Law! So, do you wanna? I wanna show you something, but it’s no pressure, honest.”

_ Maybe walking would give you a better distraction? Plus, you should start heading out and be somewhat on your way home before mom gets worried. _

He looked down for a minute before nodding. “I guess so?”

Jisung hopped up and ran to the door. “Awesome!” he yelled and started running down the stairs. Minho, who was still trying to get over the misunderstanding, followed him a little bewildered. He still held onto the shirt.

He walked into the kitchen to catch the tail end of a conversation with Jisung and his mom.

“Can I go out!  _ Please?”  _

Minho heard Seoyoon sigh. “I suppose, baby. Just be  _ careful  _ and please walk your friend home.”

Jisung turned to face Minho. “She said yes!” 

At that moment, Seoyoon stepped out, carrying a sleeping Jaemin in her arms. “I don’t know how you can deal with this one, Minho-ah. Oh,” he she looked at Jisung, “isn’t that your father’s shirt?” 

Jisung gasped. “First of all, I am  _ amazing, _ mother. And, yeah, I just think Minho would get more from it, he loves the Beatles.”

Seoyoon pursed her lips. “Well, okay, baby, if that’s what you want. Well, you boys have fun. It was nice to see you again, Minho-ah,” she somehow managed to smile with her eyes more than her lips. 

Minho swallowed and nodded. “You too, thank you for letting me come in.”

“Oh, shush. Don’t be so formal! Think of me like a second mom,” she laughed, “everyone else already does. Once again, sweetie, the doors always open.” 

“Okay, thank you, miss. I’ll be seeing you, have a nice night.” 

Jisung, getting impatient, practically pulled Minho out the door, he only barely heard Jisung’s mom saying goodbye once again. 

Jisung told Minho to just follow him and that they’d be there soon, wherever soon was. 

Normally when Minho is out late it’s because he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown, or because Chan needed help. It felt foreign to be out here because he simply wanted to spend time with a friend who wasn’t bleeding because they fell.

It was chilly out and Minho had his coat zipped up to his nose, the weather was beginning to still be semi-hot in the morning but then  _ drastically  _ dropping once nightfall hit. Thankfully the snow hasn’t began to fall, it’s not that he didn’t  _ like  _ the snow, he actually loved it, it’s just it’ll be his first time away from Daegu during winter. If all went well, they may come up for winter break, but that was a big maybe. 

As they walked, Jisung kept pointing at all the stars he could see, and since they were in Gimpo (granted, not an active part of it), that number barely reached the twenties. 

Soon Jisung stopped and placed his hands on his hips. “This is it!” He announces. 

Minho looked up and saw a playground. He cocked his head and looked to Jisung for some explanation. 

“This, my dear Minho, is the Therapy Park!”

Minho chuckled. “The what?”

“Therapy Park! Whenever Hyunjin has a bad day, or whenever  _ I  _ have a bad day, we come here. I’ve brought the other guys before when they have bad days; we don’t necessarily  _ have _ to talk, but that’s always an option.”

Minho felt his heart warm. Heat overtook his body in such a way that he felt like he didn’t even need his coat. “You… you brought me here?” He took a shaky step as he followed Jisung behind the fence.

“Sure did! You seemed like you were having a bad day, and who doesn’t like parks?” He laughed to himself before he suddenly jerked his head back to Minho. “You  _ do  _ like parks, right?” 

For the second time that day, Minho laughed. “Yeah, I just  _ hate  _ the slides…” 

“ _ What? _ Really? That’s like the  _ best  _ part!” 

Minho scoffed, he felt himself starting to loosen up. “Not for me,” they started walking around the playset, “they always scared me.”

The two started climbing the playground and aimlessly walking around the beaten red death contraption that looks like it hasn’t been attended to in years. 

He sighs and shakes his head, a smile playing on his lips. “How do they scare you? It’s a  _ slide.” _

“You say slide, I say a one way slippery angled death.” 

Jisung turned to fully face Minho. “Wow, I didn’t know you could throw sarcasm right back,” he lightly threw his head back as he laughed. 

“Takes times to get me out of my shell I guess,” he shrugged. That was true, though Minho was painfully shy and anxious, the more time he spent around others, the easier it was to get along with them. Plus, it always helped Minho to hold something when he’s out, he did that back in Daegu. 

“It’s the shirt, it’s a lucky charm. It’s  _ so lucky  _ in fact that you’re gonna go down a slide!”

Minho took a step back. “I never signed up to this.”

“Oh, come on! You won’t get hurt.”

Minho fidgeted with the shirt for a little longer. “I’m not sure, last time I went on one I fell off and skinned my knee.”

“ _ That’s  _ why you won’t go on one again?! C’mon, hyung, you were a  _ kid _ when that happened.”

“ _ Still _ it could happen again.” 

Jisung hopped up on the tallest platform where the tallest slide was. “I won’t let it!”

Minho pressed the shirt to his chest. “How?” There was no sarcasm in his voice, he was vulnerable for a moment. 

Jisung stuck his hand out like he was Aladdin waiting for Jasmine to get on the magic carpet. “Easy, I’ll go down with you.” 

Minho looked between his face and his hand several times. “I don’t know…”

Jisung simply shrugged. “Do you trust me?”

It takes a moment for Minho to respond. “I… think so.”

“Okay, so I won’t let you get hurt, easy as that.”

Their hands then locked and Jisung pulled him up to the top of the playground. For a moment they were chest to chest, Jisung hadn’t let go yet.

Reality then smacked Minho like a ton of bricks and he tentatively took his hand away. “We going?”

It took Jisung a moment to respond. “Uh, yuh-yeah! Course! I’ll sit down first and then you come behind me and wrap your arms around my waist, got it?” He was already sitting down by the time be finished.

Of course Minho wanted to back out of this and just say that he’ll watch him come down, but then Jisung turned to look at him. He flashed his smile and Minho started walking over. 

It was awkward to place your chest directly behind someone’s back, but somehow they puzzled-pieced themselves together. 

“Okay! On the count of three! One, two—” at two Jisung suddenly went down, causing Minho to fly down with him. 

Rationally, Minho knew it was only a five second ride, but in his mind it took an hour. They ended the right with Minho gripping Jisung’s stomach so hard he might as well be giving him the heimlich. The only thing that caused him to loosen his grip was Jisung’s hysterical laughter.

“I  _ told  _ you I wouldn't let anything hurt you!” He placed his hands on top of Minho’s and gently made Minho release his grasp, and for a moment the Beatles shirt didn't do enough him. Thankfully that only lasted half a second. 

Jisung didn’t let Minho have a millisecond to let his thoughts wander, Jisung always pulled him back to the start line. 

He hopped off and gently helped Minho up. “Let’s do it again.”

“Okay,” he chuckled, “I definitely didn’t agree to this.”

“If you go down again, I’ll play The Beatles!”

“I wouldn’t make you do that, you don’t like them…”

“First of all, you’re not  _ making me  _ do anything, and second, I don’t care, you do, and this is a time for  _ you,  _ Minho hyung. I have already listened to them on my birthday with you.”

Minho remembered that day and how Jisung never pressed him for details as to why he was acting the way he was, he just did what he thought was best. 

“I know you did, and thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I was just doing what my dad taught me. He taught me to always be on the lookout to save what can be saved, but don’t get too caught up in saving something that can’t be salvaged. Like,” he started going back up the playground, Minho following, “you can’t change the way someone _thinks_ , but you can always help them, but at the end of the day if they don’t accept the help, that’s on them, not you. And, so if listening to the Beatles is how you can be saved from the evils of the slide,” he laughed, “so be it.”

Minho doesn’t fully understand the words Jisung just puked out, but he knew he’d never forget them. Hell, he was sure he’d never forget this either.

Jisung made Minho get down first, when he got situated he felt Jisung’s arms around his stomach. In the background he heard  _ Come Together  _ begin to play. 

“All right, lets go!”

He doesn’t give a second to let Minho adjust, he just propels his body forward and the two zipped down. However, this time, Minho found himself screaming with joy. 

When it ended he felt dizzy in a way you’d only feel when you’re drunk. He laughed and swayed from side to side. “Holy shit!” he yelled. “Is this what I’ve been missing all these years?!”

“Fuck yeah it has been! You see,” Jisung threw his arms up, “the powers of the Therapy Park always help!” He laughed. 

Jisung didn’t let anything go to waste, he grabbed Minho’s hand and dragged him up on the playground and brought him to a rickety bridge and stood in the middle, he only let go of Minho’s hand when they weren’t wobbling. 

“When I was a kid, my dad took Hyunjin and I up here  _ all  _ the time. Every kid in the neighborhood played here. That’s how I first meant Jeongin actually! Him and Jeongguk were so little back then, they liked to pretend that this was a spaceship but it was so  _ obviously  _ a pirate ship,” he smiled. “Hyunjin had been crushing on him for years before finally asking him out.”

“Really?”

Jisung placed a hand over his heart. “Swear it, man. It’s so obvious that they’re in love, almost as bad as it is for Chan and Woojin—” Jisung trailed off once he noticed the way Minho’s face fell. His shoulders tensed and he slightly moved away from Jisung.

He quickly tried to explain. “Sorry… forgot you two got into a fight…”

“It’s okay,” he shrugged.

“Well, do you wanna talk about it now? No pressure.”

“I’d rather not, it’s pretty personal.”

“I get that,” Jisung bit his lip, “well, did being here help? At least a little bit? I mean, you got over your fear of the death angle.” 

Minho couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped him. “I did, thank you, Jisungie.” 

He didn’t know why being with Jisung helped, they didn’t discuss anything too important, yet Minho still felt happy. He felt calmer after that night.

Soon Jisung had to walk him home. 

The walk was genuinely fun in Minho’s eyes. They talked a lot about nothing but it seemed like everything. In the background Jisung blasted Infinite’s  _ Bad  _ and poorly screamed along to the lyrics. 

At some points Jisung would talk about his greatest memories with his friends and in turn he made Minho share his best memories with his Daegu boys. For the first time since he’s moved, talking about them didn’t make Minho long for the past, he simply talked about them like he saw them every weekend. Maybe that was the Jisung Effect.

When they reached Minho’s house, Mija opened the door and simply stared at Jisung for a moment, she was wearing a red dress. 

“Oh… you  _ weren’t _ lying when you said you had other friends.”

Minho tried not to think too much about her wearing the dress. “I  _ do  _ have other friends, ma.”

Jisung bowed. “Nice to meet you, miss, I’m Han Jisung.”

Mija bowed. “It’s a pleasure. Thank you for walking Minho-ah home, it was getting late.”

“It was no problem!” 

Minho stepped inside and gave one last look to Jisung. “Your shirt?”

Jisung waved at him in a dismissive manner. “Keep it, hyung. See ya!” 

In a matter of moments, Minho was back to his life. The memories of the past few hours felt like they happened months ago. He hugged his mom tightly and told her he was okay. 

“Why’d he give you a shirt, angel?”

“He knows I like The Beatles is all…”

“Well, that was very sweet of him. I gotta get going to work, I’ll be home shortly, okay?”

Minho simply nodded, he didn’t want to let himself believe what his mom was going to endure tonight. “All right, mom…”

When she smiled, it didn’t reach her eyes. “Chan is here, angel.”

His eyes bulged and his heart began to ache. Quickly, he turned around, almost kicking Dori. “What? Where? Is he okay?!”

“He is, don’t worry. He actually wanted to come and apologize for what happened earlier today. He’s okay now, he had a little cut on his forehead but I patched it all up. He feels really bad.”

He felt so selfish and guilty, but a part of him didn’t  _ want _ to see Chan. He wanted to run and go back to Jisung so they could play on the playground again. His stomach started to twist, but he could only sigh. “Okay, thank you, ma.”

Lee Mija left after that. 

He took his time in walking back to his room, he enjoyed the last few moments he had until he faced the person who he was so mixed about. 

But when he opened the door to find that Chan was sitting on his bed, waiting for him, he found himself wanting to run over to the man and hug the life out of him. He couldn’t explain the sudden shift in his feelings, and though a rush of emotions flooded his mind once again, he smiled. 

“Hey,” his voice cracked. 

Chan managed to just barely smile. When he moved his head Minho could see the medical tape that was holding a piece of white cloth to his forehead. 

They didn’t say much until Minho sat on the bed.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” Chan whispered. 

Minho started kicking his legs. “It happens, not the end of the world. You’re an adult, you can do whatever you want.”

“You didn’t deserve that man, I know you’re just trying to help me—  _ and you really are,  _ it’s just…” Chan sighed and held his head, “it’s just... it’s  _ complicated.” _

Minho wanted to pry. He wanted to dig into Chan’s mind and know why he didn’t want to be helped, why he wouldn’t run when the door was so  _ clearly  _ opened. He wanted to know why his best friend didn’t want to be okay.

Maybe it was because he felt like his mind was wired differently, but he couldn’t seem to find the right words. All of them were a jumbled mess that no one, not even himself, could make sense of. 

So, as he did most nights, Minho let his body mold into the bed and he let Chan cuddle up on him. 

Chan was out in five minutes, but Minho stayed up and let his mind drift to the thought of the band rehearsals that were coming up soon. He tried to think of his future in college.

He’d be in Seoul University with Chan as his roommate. His friends would live close by, and maybe his new friends would also keep in touch and see them graduate university. He could envision a life where Chan was smiling as he stayed up late texting Woojin as they talked about their soon-to-be wedding. 

Maybe Jeongin and Hyunjin would already be married by then.

Maybe Seungmin would go on and be the best singer wherever he ended up.

Maybe Felix would come back from Australia and live with them in Korea.

Maybe Changbin would go on and be the best rapper in the world.

Maybe Jisung would stay in Minho’s life and allow him a temporary escape. 

He went to his happy place and never wanted to come back from it. But of course, it did. Reality always comes back at some point. 

He heard his mom come home in the early morning hours and he begged that she had a good night. 

Maybe his mom could be okay and live the happy life she always wanted.  
  


_ May 20th, 2019: _

_ I’m sorry if this essay isn’t interesting, maybe it’s a little too slow, but it’s my life. This was the most important year of my life, I want to make sure I highlight the most important things so that this “lesson” I’ll write at the very end will  _ really  _ mean something.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go support Highway to Heaven by NCT 127, it was amazing. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated! Tell me what you liked, didn’t like, loved, and/or hated!


	7. Holding On For Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this chapter took so long to get out. I’ve been writing some other shit, but don’t worry, this is still my favorite project to write!

_ May 20th, 2019: _

_Surprisingly so, Chan and I seemed to put that whole thing past us. Or, at least I pretended to._

_Jeongyeon said that I should try and move on from the fight (granted she didn’t know_ why _we had the fight) and focus on the band and getting ready to perform._

 _We had a_ lot _of work to do._

_The song wasn’t done yet, but most of Hyunjin and Jisung’s rap was, and so a lot of the sessions (for awhile at least) were spent rehearsing those raps and practicing the dance._

_Now you may be asking yourself: “Well, why didn’t you write the whole song in the beginning and work off of that? Wouldn’t that have been easier?”_

_And to that I say: “Shut up, we were teenagers.”_

_Sorry for saying shut up. I’m just trying to reach that fifteen page mark._

_Anyway, band rehearsal was a good time for all of us to bond. We got to know each other and more of our personalities came out._

_Because it would be very boring to go through all of the band rehearsals (and not many important things happened for the first few rehearsals), I’ll skip ahead to the end of October. About thirty percent of the song was done, the choreography still sucked, even with the constant rehearsals after school._

_We practiced in Jisung’s garage because we thought we were cool by doing that. It was cramped and stuffy, Jisung’s dad’s tool still hung around, there were stray basketballs everywhere, and little chalk drawings that Hyunjin’s siblings drew, but it was ours. Well, no, technically it was his mom’s, but it_ felt _like ours._

_Anyway, I’m going to skip to my birthday._

_I woke up to my mom not being home because she was at work, I was kind of disappointed but that’s neither here nor there._

_Chan came to my house and we walked to Jisung’s. There was still some tension between us, but at the end of the day he was my best friend and I loved him._

_I walked into Jisung’s garage and everyone (including his mom) were in there. At once they all shouted_

_ October, 25th, 2015: _

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” 

Minho jumped back and gasped. He threw his hands over his mouth and felt his heart expand. 

He looked to Chan who winked; there was a yellowish bruise on his collarbone, but Minho tried not to talk about it. 

“You knew about this?” He asked.

Chan rolled his eyes. “Duh. Happy birthday, dude.” His smile reached his eyes. He gently nudged Minho ahead. 

Stumbling, Minho stepped into the garage and looked out at the sea of his friend’s excited faces. In the middle Jeongin was holding a pink cake with nine candles in it. He stepped forward and whispered for Minho to make a wish. 

He now almost had tears in his eyes, he placed his hands over his chest and felt his heart _pounding._ He wasn’t sure if it because of the sudden loud noise, or he was filled with admiration. Whatever it was, he worked up the courage to speak.

“You…” he smiled, “you remembered?”

“Of course!” Changbin nodded hysterically. “Chan hasn’t _stopped_ reminding us,” he chuckled. There was a sea of agreement. Chan stepped closer to Woojin and the two shared a knowing smile.

“And,” Han Seoyoon stepped forward, “I baked the cake and added _lots_ of love. You’re already like a son to me,” she pinched Minho’s cheek, “so I had to. Okay, I’ll leave you boys alone now.”

There was a chorus of “Bye mom!” that rattled the garage. 

Jeongin now rolled his eyes. “Make a wish, hyung!”

Minho felts his face go red. He scratched the back of his neck. 

_Okay, hi God. I know I haven’t checked in with you in weeks, but here’s my birthday wish: let them know how much they mean to me, even when I have a hard time expressing it. Please?_

When he blew out the candles everyone cheered. 

Felix grabbed a knife from the tool shelf and everyone ran to take it away from him. In a flash, the boys were all laughing and joking about Felix’s destructive clusty nature.  

Woojin came over and cut Minho a piece. Just as soon as he was about to take a bite, Jisung came up from behind him and smashed his head onto the cake. 

There was a roar of laughter and Minho could now feel vanilla cake spread around his eyelids. He felt laughter erupt from his stomach, something he hadn't felt since he was in Daegu. 

Once he pulled his head up, the sight made everyone start laughing again. Jisung came around, his ears red, and chuckled. 

“Sorry, hyung,” he couldn’t keep a straight face.

Minho bit his lip and shook his head. “No, you’re not.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, you’re right,” he put his hand on Minho’s cheek and whipped away some of the cake. “You’re still cute, even with the frosting,” he winked.

Minho felt his heart drop in his chest and a swarm of butterflies come out of nowhere. 

Breaking the mood, the two heard the sound of Seungmin hunched over making gagging sounds. “Disgusting,” he hissed. 

Everyone laughed off Jisung’s actions and went on devouring the cake. They talk about nothing and everything all at once. Minho stayed mostly silent and simply enjoyed the back and forth banter, for once it wasn’t anxiety keeping him silent, he was just content to listen. 

When it came time to rehearse, seven of them sat in a half-circle to watch Hyunjin and Jisung practice their raps. Though they’ve been best friends for over a decade, they still found a way to bicker and poke fun at each other. 

Chan tried to work on more of the best for the song on GarageBand from Jisung’s computer. Minho watched as he swayed his body back and forth to the beat of whatever rhythm he was making. Woojin joined him soon after and the two were off in their own little world. 

It was as though they were going to Frankenstein this together into one song. 

Jisung worked on more of the lyrics while Minho helped Felix block more of the dance. 

They worked until the dead of night. 

When Minho saw that it was almost ten, he begrudgingly knew he had to start going home. He asked Chan if he’d leave too, but he said he had to stay and write another verse. 

Thankfully Jisung’s mom came to the rescue and drove him home. 

The ride home was filled by weastern pop music, something that Hyunjin’s siblings really like. 

Minho walked into his house with high exceptions that his mom would at least tell him happy birthday. However, when he came home he found his mom by the stove drinking vodka with an unfocused gaze. 

He knew she only drank when she didn’t have a good day. He walked over to her and gently reached out to shake her shoulder. 

Mija jumped back and quickly placed a hand on her heart. Her breathing was uneven for a moment until she bursted out into laughter. 

“Oh, angel,” she giggled, “don’t scare me like that.” Minho almost cringed at her voice. 

He felt his heart sink. “Sorry, ma…”

She shook her head and laughed. “It’s okay, angel! Oh,” she gasped, “it’s getting late. You should get to bed, honey.”

She smiled and started making her way out of the kitchen. 

When Minho speaks next, his voice comes out fragile and broken. “That’s… it?”

He watched as Mija spun around and cocked her head. “What else is there, angel? Something wrong?”

Minho looked down and shook his head. “Nuh-Nothing… it’s fine,” he felt his voice begin to crack. He watched as Dori haphazardly looked at him before walking away. 

“Oh,” his mom exclaimed, “I know what I forgot!”

Minho looked up, his eyes wide and a smile started to appear. “Really? You remembered?”

She walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. “Forgot to hug my favorite boy goodnight!” 

Minho was in awe. He didn’t know whether to be mad that she forgot his birthday, or be content with the fact that she still hugged him goodnight. In his heart and soul he knew she didn’t mean to forget, however the longing anger built inside of him.

He settled on just hugging her back and going to bed. When she called out that she loved him, he didn’t say it back. 

So for the next few hours he sat on his chair and aimlessly talked with his friends, not really paying attention. They wished him a happy birthday, but Minho just felt lost in his mind and gave the bare minimum of responses. Yoongi noticed this, bit Minho simply shrugged and just said he was tired. 

He decided to keep out the fact his mom got drunk on his birthday and didn’t even remember it _was_ his birthday.

The night rolled by as normal, Minho sat on his seat, swaying back and forth as Hoseok went on and on about his friend, Chen, being the class clown. Jimin would join in with his own stories, and it really made Minho feel like nothing had ever changed between them. 

Namjoon gazed behind Minho and sighed. “This always happens, I swear…” 

Minho cocked his head. “What does?”

Yoongi glanced up and smirked. “Someone always comes to visit you—”

“—except this time they’ve multiplied!” Jimin exclaimed.

This got Minho’s attention, he quickly spun around and saw the silhouette of several men. He recognized one, Woojin, who was knocking on the door, a smile plastered on his face. Minho felt this overwhelming urge to cry that came up out of nowhere. 

He slowly stood up and made his way to the window, with every step he saw his friends more clearly.

In the distance he faintly heard Jimin asking if they should call the cops. Minho waved him off and opened the window, the freezing air ran in. 

“Hey!” Jeongin smiled. 

Minho laughed. He looked at Chan who, for once, was smiling outside of his window. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, Chan said he didn’t wanna go home, he lied and said he was staying here; I said I’d spend the night at Jeongin’s and— you know what, basically we all lied,” Hyunjin nodded, “and know we’re here!”

“Whoa, wait,” Jisung poked his head in and took Minho up and down, “you actually wear the shirt I gave you?!”

It was at that moment that Minho realized the four members of The Beatles were indeed printed on his shirt. He looked back up at him and bit his lip. “I wear it to go to bed…”

Jisung looked down and smiled. “I’m glad you like it.”

There was a beat of silence before Felix cleared his throat. _“Anyway,_ we wanted to come kidnap you!” Felix smiled. 

Seungmin rolled his eyes, “Way to make it sound normal, dumbass.”

Everyone laughed. Minho almost forgot about the Skype call when he heard Hoseok asking if he died.

“Are those the boys?!” Chan yelled, Minho’s heart skyrocketed at the sudden yell. However, he had no time to react as Chan crawled his way through and ran to the computer. Minho turned and watched a sober Chan excitedly talk about life. 

“Those your friends from Daegu?”

Minho turned and saw that it was Jisung who asked him, he smiled. “Yuh-Yeah, we still talk a lot.”

That seemed to be invitation enough for the rest of them to crawl through his window and pour around his computer.

“Who are you?” Namjoon asked.

“I’m Han Jisung!”

Yoongi smirked. “You’re the blue paint kid,” he laughed. 

The nine of them all started chuckling. Jisung turned to Minho and pointed at him. “You told them?!”

Minho, who had gone completely red, nodded. “It was funny…”

Hyunjin clapped. “I told you it was!”

The next few minutes were spent with Minho sat on his bed as he watched his two friend groups mingle with one another. He used this moment as a way for him to calm down as, no matter how happy he was to see them, anxiety doesn’t just come and go when you want it to.

He watched as Chan actually had a clear focus in his eyes. He was alert and aware of all of his surroundings. Minho saw the way Seungmin casually had his arm casually draped around Felix. The way Woojin, Jisung, Jimin, and Hoseok bonded over making everyone smile. The way Hyunjin and Jeongin casually held hands; the way Changbin, Yoongi, and Namjoon talked all things rap.

In the back of Minho’s mind, he put that entire scene to memory. 

He gripped his shirt and when he remembered it was Jisung who gave him it, his heart bounced around his chest. And, it was only in that moment where the fleeting thought of having romantic feelings for Jisung passed through. His hands started to shake at that thought, the back of his neck got hot, and his heart didn’t stop shaking. 

“Hyung?”

His thoughts were ripped away once he saw Jisung kneeling in front of him, his eyes and smile were wide. Minho smiled immediately. 

“Yeah?”

“Lost in your thoughts about me?”

Minho felt all the color drain from his face. “Nuh-No, of course not,” he swallowed, “just thinking…”

Jisung chuckled. “Thinking about saying yes to us kidnapping you?”

Minho lets the idea pass over him, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to leave in the middle of the night without anything bad causing it. He gazed to his friends over Skype and they all nodded and warned him to be safe. 

When he looked back over his to his new friends, he saw the hope rush through their eyes. Woojin excitedly nodded, Changbin gave him a thumbs up. 

In the end he said yes to going out, they all cheered. In the back of his mind he wondered how his mom didn’t wake up to come check up on him. However, he didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on that as Seungmin grabbed his hands and lead him out of the window. 

Chan was the last to come out, he turned off the call and grabbed a sweater for Minho. The bitter air started to climb up his arms so he was more than thankful. 

“So,” he whispered, “what’s the plan?”

Felix pursed his lips and nodded. “Not gonna lie, I didn’t think we’d get this far,” his words made the rest of the boys laugh. Minho laughed the quietest and stayed close to Chan out of habit.

“Oh, but this is already so much fun! I’ve never done anything so rebellious!” Jeongin announced. Minho eyes him wearily, but thankful Woojin said what was on his mind. 

“Didn’t you leave your house at one in the morning to hang out with my brother?”

“Listen,” Jeongin laughed, “I was _bored._ This is different! Plus, if that night hadn’t happened, we wouldn't be friends with these two right now.”

Minho’s blush further scattered throughout his body once he felt Hyunjin wrap his arms around himself and Chan. “Ah, yes, the only _slightly_ normal ones.”

“Guys, I love this whole talking thing, but what are we doing?” Changbin looked around and began bouncing on his heels. 

Jisung thought for a moment. “Wanna go to the park?” 

“Therapy Park?” Hyunjin cocked his head.

Jisung smirked and nodded. “Hell, yeah, man. I know no one hear needs an impromptu therapy session, but they have swings!”

Instead of verbally agreeing, everyone just looked at one another (Minho didn’t quite understand what was happening) until Woojin shrugged. “Y’know what? Why not!”

There was a quiet cheer as to not wake anyone up. As they walked out of the apartment complex, they began to split up into different groups, but Minho still felt this bond that pulled them together. He cemented this feeling when Jeongin and Felix ran ahead simply because they _could,_ and Minho still didn’t notice the distance. 

Hyunjin and Jisung interlocked arms and poked fun at _“all the_ other _teens who are sleeping right now.”_ But it still didn’t feel like they were split away from each other, if one person had an idea, he could somehow round everyone up to where he was and simply just start talking. 

Jeongin, the furthest away from them, started to yell about something funny that Mina and Jeongguk were talking about in his group chat, and everyone responded and laughed. Minho felt such a bond between them that he actually began to loosen up more. Instead of just staying by Chan’s side, he talked with his other friends and made light conversation with them. 

When they came to a barren street, Felix had a ‘wonderful’ idea. “There are no cars, I’m gonna cross _without_ looking both ways!”

“Oh, my god!” Seungmin faked a gasped and dramatically held onto Woojin’s shoulder for support. “Felix-ah, you’re such a _cool kid._ Such a bad boy.”

Felix turned slightly to face him, his smile reaching his eyes. “Of course I am,” he quickly turned to face Minho and grab his arm; his heart shot to a million miles an hour, he was just about to ask what Felix was doing when he was suddenly pulled to run into the middle of the street. 

Minho turned back to watch his friends get smaller and smaller as he felt the bitter air smack against his head. Once he made it to the middle of the road he took several deep breaths, hands on his knees. When he looked up at Felix, he saw the boy’s head be illuminated by the streetlights that surrounded him.

“Sorry for that, hyung,” he started to laugh. “Just has to get the ball rolling!” He turned to face the rest of his friends and gestured for them to join. 

“We’re not playing in the middle of the street,” Seungmin rolled his eyes.

“Yeah,” Chan nodded, “you could get hurt!”

Felix rolled his eyes and gazed at Minho. “Can you believe these _nerds._ Guys,” he clapped, “no cars are coming! C’mon, standing in the middle of the street is a _staple_ of teenagehood! C’mon!” He smiled widely and held his arms out, eyes closed. 

Jisung, unsurprisingly, was the first one to come out. The closer he got to the two, the bigger his smile got. Once he reached Minho, he patted his back and chuckled. “Sorry for that, Felix-ah is a dumbass.”

Minho felt like he got the wind knocked out of him. The way Jisung smiled at him under the lights, and his hand still lightly on his back made him feel like he got kicked in his chest. “It’s okay,” he could barely speak for some reason, “we already knew that.”

“Hey,” Felix playfully shoved them.

Soon the other boys joined them and all picked up their conversation from a few minutes ago. The only thing that had changed was their location. 

Minho thought back to his _other_ mother telling him to never play in the street, and for a split second his heart sank as he thought of her. He worried for a minute that his mind would start to spiral, but the laughter of the boys around him put a mental roadblock on his train of thought. 

“See? Doesn’t it feel _good?_ To just break this law and live on the edge. It’s fun!” 

And, Minho had to agree. He felt this weight slowly begin to lift from his shoulders the further along he walked. His friends all stayed by his side, Jisung to the right of him.  

“Yeah,” Woojin rolled his eyes, “I suppose you were right. It is kinda weirdly fun,”

“I have good ideas, I told you!”

Changbin eyed him up and down. “Literally on the first day of school you broke this kid’s— I think his name was Jaehyun or something— _textbook_ because you ran to your class.”

A few of his friends laughed at that. “God, I remember that,” Hyunjin laughed, “that’s how we first met you.”

Then they got to sharing stories about their past and current friends. Chan shared funny stories that he had with Minho, and though there weren’t many, they still filled Minho’s heart with love. 

“Yeah,” Seungmin laughed, “and there was this time I was in a class with _Kim_ _Taehyung-ah_ and _Lee Seokmin,_ and they both cheated off of each other and both got a thirty percent.”

Woojin sighed. “I hate my brothers. So much,”

“Are we forgetting how many siblings _I_ have,” Hyunjin purses his lips. “And, I have to be the leader of the house when Shownu hyung isn’t around.”

Everyone laughed. Changbin took this as an opportunity to take a jab at Hyunjin. “You couldn’t lead a monkey out of a room.”

Hyunjin stared at him for a moment. “Thank you for your ever expanding faith in me, hyung,”

When they all laughed, Minho took this as an opportunity to add on. “Changbin-ssi,” he chuckled, “what was that even supposed to mean?”

Changbin shot his head around and pursed his lips. “Listen, I’m _tired._ Let me have my weird analogies,”

And, after that, all was silent for a while. But, it wasn’t the kind of silence someone felt the need to break, it was like they were all listening to the same song and they wanted to hear it through. Minho tugged at his sweater and thought about his friends. All of them. 

Then he thought back to the stories he was listening to. In the back of his mind he wondered if, in twenty years time, would they have new friends to share this night with them? Would they talk about it fondly? Would they remember everyone’s name?

Minho knew he would. Minho knew he’d remembered moments like these for the rest of his life, because that’s the power of being a teenager; you can walk in the street and not care if a car comes, because you can always dodge it. He wasn’t too sure if adults had that ability. 

It was then he felt his right hand begin to hold something. Quickly he looked down and saw his hand interlocked with Jisung’s. He felt his entire body light up and suddenly he had several waves of energy come after one other. 

He looked up and saw Jisung still fondly looking ahead at the rest of his friends, the corners of his lips started twitching into a smile. He continued to stare, and soon he sported his own smile. He heard somewhere, miles away, Chan chuckling, but it would take too much energy to roll his eyes. 

So he squeezed his hand back, and finally Jisung looked at him, his eyes shined with more than just the streetlights. He looked so much taller than he actually was at that moment, Minho felt like he was a kid tilting his head up to look at a huge painting at a museum. 

A part of his heart began to swell and jump around his body. He felt a surge of _want._ He wanted to stop and look Jisung in the eyes and say that he loves him. Say that he loves him in ways he wants to explore more and keep safe forever.

It was in that moment that Minho knew he liked him— _loved_ him, even. In a way much deeper than the way he could ever love Chan, or his mom. Maybe it was the tiredness still lurking in his body, but he wanted to change his birthday wish; _I wish I could never get older._

“You’re staring,” he heard Jisung whisper under the chaos of Seungmin chasing Jeongin for a reason he didn’t care to know.

“So are you,” he smiled. 

In the end, no one got hit by a car, and they made it to the park in one piece. The park seemed different now with all nine of them there, they stood at the gate and took a moment to bask in whatever glory there was. 

“Race you to the slide,” Jeongin said to Felix. 

At once the two hopped over the fence (Minho knew better than to question why they didn’t walk through the open part) and booked it to the slide. 

Chan smiled the same way a dad would, he nudged Woojin’s side and the two calmly walked in. 

Jisung, still holding Minho’s hand, walked him to the playground, there was a faint squeaking sound as Changbin already raced Hyunjin to the swings. 

“Haha! I won!” Jeongin announced, already at the end of the slide. Minho could only barely make out a swear word Felix muttered. 

Seungmin used the monkey bars and impatiently yelled for Hyunjin to jump off. 

“You gonna use the slide?” 

Minho’s thoughts were cut off by a smirking Chan. 

“Actually,” Jisung triumphantly announced, “I got him to use the slide!”

Chan’s mouth widened and he quickly looked between Woojin, Jisung, and Minho. “Wha— you used a slide and _didn’t_ tell me?! I thought we were besties!”

Minho sheepishly covered his face as he laughed. “Figured I’d wait for the right moment to tell you,”

“You had a fear of slides?” Woojin deadpanned. 

Shaking his head fondly, Minho nodded. “Yeah, shut up,”

Woojin shrugged. “It’s all right, my older brother, Seokjin hyung, is scared of birds, Hyunjin’s sister Yeri is _terrified_ of bikes, I’ve seen it all.”

Somehow, Minho felt included when Woojin told him that, like with every passing moment he became closer to these boys. 

Speaking of close, Jisung pulled Minho up to the slide and gestured for him to go down. “I think you’ve done this enough that you can _confidently_ go down,” he beamed.

They let go of each other’s hands, and Minho felt an empty feeling begin to eat at him, but he let it pass as he got situated on the slide. A longing irrational fear was still present, but he saw Chan at the end of slide giving him a thumbs up. 

With one final push he went down on his own. All would have been fine and wonderful say for the fact that that Jeongin and Felix popped up from behind the slide and scared him. 

“Boo!” Felix yelled.

Minho jumped back on the slide, his hand immediately went to his heart, his breathing became heavy. It took him a moment for him to realize that he just got scared by his friends, but once the lasting bits of panic faded, he ended up chuckling. 

Normally loud suddenly scares would send him into a panic attack, and though he was still a little on edge, he was able to keep it under control. 

“Guys,” in the distance he heard Seungmin laughing and coming closer, “don’t scare the hyung, he’s fragile.”

Minho hugged his knees to his chest in instinct. “I am _not.”_

It was then that there was a sudden force at Minho’s back, causing him to lurch forward a bit. He yelped and turned back to see that Jisung had followed him down the slide, and he was now trapped in between his legs. 

Jisung laughed and pinched his left cheek. “Very fragile, hyung,” 

Before Minho could say anything, Felix and Seungmin started to hurl. “Get a room,” they wheezed. 

Jeongin, who shuddered, “Anyway, speaking of scaring the hyung—”

“—I’m pretty sure I said _not to_ do that—”

“— _shh!_ You guys wanna scare Changbin hyung?” 

Felix scratched the back of his neck. “Sure,” he chuckled. With that, the three youngest ran off to inact their own form of torture onto the world. 

Jisung now wrapped his arms around Minho’s waist and placed his head on his shoulder. He looked up at the two eldest. “So, when are you two gonna date?”

Minho saw the way Woojin and Chan both flushed, he chuckled and bit the bottom of his lip. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Woojin put his hand on Chan’s shoulder, only Minho saw how he flinched, “we’re just friends.” 

Jisung nodded overdramatically. “Okay, yeah, _sure.”_

Chan cleared his throat and said he’d go check on Changbin, and Woojin was quick to follow him. Minho saw them walk away, they kept distance between them. 

_I hope they get together, he deserves some good._

“God, imagine being as oblivious as Chan hyung,” Jisung joked and moved to get the two of them off of the slide. As they hopped down, Minho ran his hand through his hair. 

“Yeah,” he swallowed, “I could _never.”_

Jisung smirked. “I know,” he held out his hand, and Minho took it without a second thought. They walked over to the swing area and casually looked up at the stars. 

“I’m glad you came into my life, hyung,” Jisung said in a hush. 

Minho felt his knees go weak. His forehead started to sweat. “Really?”

When they made eye contact, he truly felt he was floating. “Yeah,” Jisung nodded, “you make me happy. Thank you for that,”

Minho bit his lip. “Course. I’m glad I can make you happy, you make me feel…” _Appreciated._ “...you make me feel a lot.”

Jisung looked down at his feet and he giggled. “Such a poet, hyung.”

They didn’t say anything after that, instead they made it to where the rest of their friends were and simply _talked._ Their talks weren’t serious, they were just random things they wouldn’t remember by morning. 

Hyunjin took out his phone and played _Chandelier by Sia,_ and though no one (say for Chan and Felix) knew what she was saying, Hyunjin stood on the swing and belted out the best English he could. 

As the music picked up, Hyunjin made the rest of them start singing, and though some were louder than others, they still all joined in. When the beat got heavier Hyunjin started to swing, while still standing, and Woojin made sure to catch him if he fell.

As the song ended, Hyunjin jumped off of the swing and landed anything but gracefully. He tripped on his ankle and rolled down, just as Minho was about to ask if he was okay, he started holding his stomach while laughing. 

Jeongin was the first one to lie down with him. “Why do I love you?”

That made Hyunjin laugh harder. “You’re stuck with me forever, sweetheart,” 

Instead of joking back, Jeongin just smiled wider. “Can't wait,”

Woojin sat down next, followed by Chan, then Felix, then Changbin, then Seungmin, and then Jisung and Minho. They all laid down in a circle and looked up at the stars, and even though most of them were blocked out by the streetlights, they still looked at the sky like they could see every galaxy.

“This is so cheesy,” Changbin mused.

“How so?” Minho knew that voice belong to Jeongin.

“We’re stargazing after sneaking out of our houses,” his comment made everyone chuckle. 

“But you’re having fun, right?” Minho’s voice was the smallest out of all of theirs.

It took Changbin a moment to reply. “Yeah,” he sighed, “I am.”

“Me too,” Woojin smiled.

And they all agreed in their own way that they were having fun; that they were the only ones in the world that really mattered, at least for this moment. That this moment will never grow old, but it’ll stay in all their memories, fresh, like it just happened. 

Minho wondered if there was another group of friends out there, believing that they were on top of the world, that all their problems could be saved for the morning, like the whole world was at their feet. 

Of course he knew this moment wouldn’t last forever, but that thought of the unknown of tomorrow didn’t scare him as much as it did yesterday. For once he didn’t find himself overly missing his friends back in Daegu, he didn’t have a need to panic about anything. 

He was at bliss. 

“I love you guys,” Felix whispered. 

“We love you too,” Minho answered. “Thank you guys, for the best birthday ever.” 

“It’s what friends are for,” Seungmin smiled. 

Right now, in this moment, Gimpo felt like the entire world. 

About an hour later they started heading back, all completely beat. 

“Hey,” Changbin yawned, “can we stay at,” another yawn, “your place, Minho-ssi?”

Minho, too tired to process anything, nodded. “Why not, not like we have anything important tomorrow,” he rubbed his eyes. 

The walk back seemed so much quicker, and before Minho knew it he was climbing in his window and answering his Skype call.

As the rest of his friends made themselves comfortable, Namjoon and Yoongi appeared on screen.

Yoongi yawned. “Good, you’re alive, I told you he’d be fine,” 

“I was worried!” Namjoon yelled. 

Minho had to explain the night he had while trying to keep his eyes open, it lasted maybe five minutes before he was ushered off to bed. 

Changbin, Seungmin, and Felix all huddled by the window and slept there. Jeongin and Hyunjin cuddles by the computer and slept there. 

The last four slept on the bed, their legs hanging off the short side of the bed. They couldn’t all fit vertically, so they slept horizontally. 

Chan rested his head on Woojin’s chest, their legs tangled together. 

Minho, half asleep, saw Jisung taking his phone out. He plugged in his headphones and handed one earbud to Minho.

“I know you have anxiety and music calms you down, so here, hyung,” 

In his sleepy state, Minho smiled and put the bud in, and the sweet sounds of The Beatles filled his left ear. 

“Hyung?” Jisung whispered. 

“Hmm?”

“Can you come closer, please? I’m not cold or anything, I’m gonna be one hundred percent honest, I just wanna cuddle.”

Minho’s throat went dry, and suddenly he was much more awake. He nodded and slowly shifted so that his head was right where his shoulder was. It felt weird to cuddle someone who wasn’t crying, and who’s name wasn’t Chan. 

He hesitated before putting his arm around his chest, and he then felt Jisung pull him closer, both of his arms secured around him. 

“Happy birthday, hyung,” he whispered. 

Minho hugged him closer and sighed. “Thank you, Sungie.” He moves his head down closer to his chest and felt his heart smashing in his chest, almost like his own. 

“Why is your heart beating so fast?”

Jisung and pulled Minho practically on top of him, laughing. With his right hand he played with his hair. 

“Go to sleep, hyung. It’s been a long day,”

He smiled into his neck. “Tell me,” he giggled, “why?”

Jisung smiled once again and now began running his hands down his back. “Sleep, hyung.”

Minho lifted his head up slightly and stared at Jisung’s face, he was filled with the kind of butterflies a kid would draw. “Will you sleep if I do?”

He nodded. “I swear it, hyung.”

_I love you. Like, I really, really love you. That has to be what I’m feeling. It’s all bright and beautiful, and it gives me that same kick of energy that the cold air does. I love you, Han Jisung._

“Goodnight, Sungie,” he rested his head back, and felt a pair of lips on his head. 

“Sweet dreams, hyung. Sweet dreams,”

 

_ May 20th, 2019: _

_I loved him. To this day, I’ve yet to meet someone who made me feel the same way Jisung did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we all just take a moment to acknowledge the ‘97 Liners’ friendship and how it’s the greatest thing ever? Like almost all my favorite boys together. In one group chat. Truly beautiful. 
> 
> Anyway, please comment what you liked/didn’t like/hated/loved about this chapter. Comments make my year! Have a lovely day, and remember to try and make someone smile today, especially if it’s yourself! :)


	8. Sometimes We Show Weakness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me if I don’t portray Aspergers with 100% accuracy. I’ve been trying to learn the effects it has on people, but I may not be right all the time.

_ May 21st, 2019:  _

_I’m going to preface this: School was never good to me. I alway had very mild panic attacks, but it never escalated. So, you’re about to see why that’s important real soon._

_I think that I was just having a bad day on November 6th. Nothing was going too well for me that day. My relationship with my mom was still on the rocks cause she forgot my birthday (she still hadn’t remembered. She wouldn’t for awhile)._

_The day didn’t start off that good, either. I woke up to the_  


_ November 6th, 2015:  _

raging _crack!_ of thunder from outside his window. Minho, startled, jolted upwards and clenched his chest. He felt his breathing go shallow, his vision went foggy. He looked around and half expected to see Chan laying on his floor. 

He dreamt about him that night, he was standing in that river in the woods with an empty gaze clouding his eyes. He dreamt that Chan had fallen backwards, the water was cold, he knew that even though he wasn’t standing in it. 

He remembered screaming; he felt his heart jump to his throat. 

He can almost remember what Chan had said to him, but his phone rang and startled the dream away.  

Groggily picking up his phone, he answered and said: “Hello?”

A frail, feminine voice rained back. “Hyung?”

He was more alert now. “Jimin-ssi? What is it?”  

“I was just making sure you were okay, you weren’t active in the group chat. I figured you slept in. You okay?”

_No. I don’t know what’s wrong, Jimin. I wish you were here though. You always gave the best hugs. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you more back in Daegu._

“Yeah,” Minho’s voice cracked. They didn’t talk much after that, in the back of Minho’s mind he was told it was because Jimin didn’t _really_ care. 

 _Get up._  

The racing of his heart didn’t slow, even when he took his shower. If anything, that made it worse. He was left with his thoughts. As he scrubbed his head away of any bad thoughts, ten more came back to take their place. 

_They’ve probably moved on and found a fifth person to take my place. Hell, your current friends probably don’t even want you around._

There was never any logic to his thoughts. 

He knew he’d go see Jeongyeon today, but every part of him was drained at that thought. 

Minho was on autopilot. He hardly greeted his mom in the morning, but she didn’t say anything about it. She just stared at him and sipped her coffee.  

Part of him was thankful she didn’t try to fill the silence, it would have hurt him.  

 _She probably just thinks you’re getting moody cause her birthday is just around the corner._  

Minho sighed so quietly that he was the only one that heard it. _Her._ His mom, his biological mom. Lee Mija’s ex girlfriend. Song Shijoon.  

His birth name was Song Minho, and that name made him want to throw up. He probably would have if the doorbell didn’t ring. 

The two jerked their heads to the door, they never get visitors this early. 

“I’ll get it,” his mom whispered. The next thing he heard was his mother gasping. “Chan!” She shrieked. 

_Chan?_

He stood up and watched a limping person try their best to hobble into the living room. Tears spilled over his face once he crashed onto the chair next to Minho.

“Huh-Hyung?”

Chan vaguely looked over at him, his eyes had bags that seemed to extend down to his lips. When he swallowed it sounded like he hadn’t drank anything in years.  

“Wha… what?” His voice was hoarse. 

His mom came rushing over. “When’s the last time you’ve eaten?” 

It seemed to Minho like there was a delay in Chan. He took longer to respond, he looked like he hasn’t slept in days. 

He shrugged. “Two days ago? I don’t know.”

His mother almost shrieked again. “What?! Baby, why didn’t you come here?” 

Minho was already sliding his plate over to Chan wordlessly.  

Before Chan could answer, she continued. “And, why are you limping?”

Chan laughed and forcefully stabbed his eggs. “Funny story,” he laughed and wiped away his tears. “Slipped in the shower and sprained it. Hurts like a bitch,” he hissed, “I was gonna walk to school, but I was gonna faint and so… I came here.”

Minho felt his stomach swirl around with every negative emotion one could ever have. He wanted to punch someone square in the face, kick every object around him, or just _break_ something. But, of course, he showed composure and sympathy on the surface.  

Even though a part of him was bitter towards Chan for _staying there._ Willingly. 

“Why didn’t you come over last night?”

_He’s still your best friend. Above all else, you have that._

Chan shrugged. “Didn’t wanna be a bother, I guess…”

“Shush now,” Mija gently hit his shoulder, only Minho noticed the ways his fingers twitched, “you’re always welcomed.”  

Chan tried to smile. “Thanks, ma…”

_How do you stay with someone who hurts you? What possesses a person to love someone who doesn’t love them back?_

When he gazed to Chan, he saw his eyes were soulless. 

Mija left for work soon after, she offered to drive them, but Chan quickly denied that. And, as they were left alone in the house, the silence, for once, felt too loud.  

He stared down at the chipped table and tried to think of _anything_ but Chan. However, his dream kept invading his thoughts.  

“I’m sorry,” Chan’s voice was so low that if Minho was any further there’s no way he would have heard it.  

He gazed back at him. “For what?”

Chan violently gestures around them. “I’m sorry for _this._ For always coming over, for eating your food,” he smacked the plate away, “for being here. For bothering your Skype calls, for taking away your fun.” He huffed and crossed his arms. “I’m sorry you have to put up with my pathetic ass.” 

Minho shook his head. He squinted and continually started and stopped his sentences as no words could come out. This was also the first time in history that Minho was looking at someone who wasn’t looking back. 

“Is that… is that what you think?”

Chan nodded. “Yeah. It is.”

Minho could almost laugh. Sure he didn’t like his choices, but you’re never going to like every choice your friend makes. “Channie hyung… don’t think that. You’re my best friend,”

He started to cry. Chan. He was crying. “You didn’t even wanna be friends with me the first day, you were just… just— you were just too nice to say aeh-aehnee-anything.” He stuttered, snot rolled from his nose, but Minho didn’t have the heart to stop him. 

“No,” he shook his head, “that’s not what it was. You were my first friend after Yoongi hyung and them. I didn’t know I _could_ have another friend. Hyung, you’re my _best friend._ I know I have problems with reading people sometimes, but you’ve helped me. I just don’t want you to keep getting hurt.”  

If anything, Chan’s sobs got louder and more erratic Before Minho could process anything, Chan hugged him. It was awkward, but Minho let it happen. 

“I don’t like guh—guh-getting hurt, I’m sorry. I’m so… I’m so… clumsy.”

With those few words Minho’s entire _soul_ crashed. _He still won’t admit what anyone can see. He’s being abused. I can’t do anything._  

 _I can’t do anything._  

_I’m sorry, Chan._

“I’m sorry, Chan,” he whispered. “Sometimes we just fall. It’s okay,”

He let Chan cry for a little while longer. School started already, and their group chat was going off. Normally the nine of them would at least say hi before the day started.  

Eventually they had to go to school, and Chan leaned on Minho for most of the way. It was painful, sure, but Minho was too numb to care. In his heart he knew the day would only get worse. 

-

Get worse it did. 

It was in Math class when his whole world seemed to freeze. Minho has never been one to be late, so when he walked in and saw all eyes on him, he almost vomited on the spot. Just his luck, this was also one of the only classes he had without any of his friends. 

He stood there for what seemed like many days, as everyone slowly cocked their heads to look at him. 

_Fuck. Fuck they can all see you, Minho. They know, they know about your mom and her job, they know about Chan and how you’re the worst friend, Minho. Minho… Minho… Mi—_

“—nho!” 

He looked at his teacher, slightly out of breath. He bowed out of respect. “Yes, sir? I’m sorry for being late.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Do you have an excuse? This behavior isn’t like you,” he scoffed. 

Minho simply shook his head. “It was… it whu-whus-was a luh-lack in judge… judgement. I’m sorry.”

The teacher rolled his eyes. “Don’t make a habit out of it.” 

He made his way to his seat, he felt his peers’ eyes burrowing into him and making little hot holes all over his body. He felt his body temperature rise, and his breathing began to slow down. 

He thought that finding his seat would help calm him, but then he heard someone close a book a little _too_ hard, and he jolted in his seat. And, as the teacher spoke, his words started to fuzz out like static. 

Someone dropped a pencil and Minho felt himself twitch. He almost slapped himself and screamed _“Get ahold of yourself! It’s nothing you don’t hear every day!”_

But it was so much worse today. Everything was too loud, and his clothes were too tight. He wanted to run into the bathroom and strip, just do _anything_ to maintain balance in his body. An eruption of anxiety swelled in his heart and started to clog up his throat. 

In the distance he heard Jeongyeon speak to him. _“In and out. In and out.”_

And, he tried, he tried so hard. But, it was too shallow. 

Sweat started to coagulate at the name of his neck, he felt his heart pound through his wrist. The back of his head started to ache. 

He was alone. 

He bit back his tears and now started to hyperventilate. 

It was then that he heard someone impatiently tap his desk. And, for a moment, he was pulled from his anxiety. 

A girl—he thought her name is Soojin—made a noise a disgruntled older sibling would. “The teacher asked you a question,” she rolled her eyes as she turned back to face the board. 

He slowly gazed up and saw his teacher shaking his head. “Are you sick or something?”

The only thing Minho could do was nod.

“Then go use the bathroom, don’t come back until you no longer want to vomit,” his teacher waved his hand, dismissing him. 

As Minho walked out of the classroom he heard two of his peers giggling in the back of the room. Hot shame rained on his face. _You’re making a scene and they’re laughing at you._

When he was out in the hallway he could breathe a bit better. Then someone closed their locker and all that progress retreated back into himself like some asocial turtle. 

The halls seemed longer now. Everything looked the same. As he walked past some students, he couldn’t even hear them as they asked if he was okay. 

Eventually he made his way to the bathroom and for the time being, it was only him. He slammed the first stall door behind him. 

It was the perfect time for him to come, vomit protruded out of him at a rapid pace. His throat _burned._

Just as he was about to calm himself, the door slammed open. A few boys walked in, all cheering. 

“God, I fucking hate that bitch,” one person said. Minho knew who that voice belonged to. 

_Hyunjin._

He tensed his fingers on the cold rim of the toilet, he felt like he could vomit all over again. If it was just Hyunjin _alone,_ maybe it would have been better, but of course it wasn’t. He was with a few other friends and they were all laughing _too_ loudly. 

Their laughter rang in Minho’s ears like he got stung by a thousand bees. 

_I forgot Hyunjin-ssi is one of the popular kids._

_I drag him away from his other friends. I’m sorry, Hyunjin-ssi._

Minho then saw tears hitting the water in the toilet. 

Then someone started banging in the stall door. “Come on, dude,” the person outside laughed, “you hungover or something?” 

Minho knew that voice, the kid was in one of his classes, he just couldn’t think one coherent thought long enough to put a face to the name. 

The person banged on the door again. “Come _on._ This is the only toilet that isn’t shit, open up.”

But Minho couldn’t. For the moment his body was glued to the ground, his hands were stuck to the toilet, his mind was all too foggy. He vomited again. 

“Do you know who’s in there?” A voice, Hyunjin, called out haphazardly. 

“Nah, man. But they’d better come out soon,” he kicked the door. Minho jumped and lurched forward, he wanted to call out and say he was sorry, but he couldn’t. Gravity was too strong.

“Hey!” Hyunjin yelled. “Hurry the fuck up!”

_I’m sorry, Hyunjin-ssi._

With his body shaking, Minho slowly began to lift his right leg up. He felt cold. He ran his hand over his uniform feeling the cotton between his fingertips. 

He pushed himself to stand, his mind couldn’t focus on anything, the light was too bright. Minho flushed the toilet and was thankful, in the back of his mind, that he gave some food to Chan, at least it didn’t all go to waste.  

_Chan. Chan…_

When he opened the door, he came face-to-face with Jongin, captain of the dance team. 

He took a step back. “M-Minho-ah?”

Minho bowed for a moment, he felt himself swaying, Jongin reached his hands out just in case. “Are you okay?”

Minho felt himself nod as he walked over to the sink. He heard faintly Hyunjin gasp. He hopped off the counter and held Minho’s face. 

His touch burned his skin and he rapidly shook his head. 

“Hyung? Are you okay?”

Without thinking he went to the sink and felt the water over his wrists. It brought him back to the present for a minute, but it wasn’t enough, and it didn’t last long enough; before he knew it, he found himself dragging himself out of the bathroom. He heard Hyunjin call for him, but it would take too much energy to turn around. 

The halls were too bright as he used the wall for his support. No teacher came to check on him, it was the middle of class so no students were left in the area. He staggered for a moment until he came to the end of a hall with only a few classes. He squeezed himself between the wall and a row of lockers, he drew his knees up his chest and shivered.  

Quietly, he drew his phone out and dialed the first person he could think of. Someone who probably hated him the least, someone who he wasn’t _too much_ of a burden to.  

After two rings he picked up. 

“Minho-ah?!” 

“Yoongi hyung…” even Minho had a hard time hearing his own voice. He picked at his clothes, they didn’t fit right. 

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you in school?”

“I…” his voice broke, “am… just had auh-a panic attack.” 

“Oh, buddy,” he sighed, “well, I didn’t go in today, so I’ll help you as long as you need, okay? Okay, what happened?”

He knew Yoongi couldn’t see him, but he still shrugged. “Don’t know… it just happened. I went into the bathroom,” he sniffled, “and Hyunjin was there. With his other friends, I made him upset, he probably hates me.”

“He does not hate you. You know this, Minho. You just told me how much fun you had last week,” he knew he was sighing, “well just, uh, take a few breathes, okay? You’re okay…”

Minho tried so hard to fill his lungs, but they just couldn’t. Nothing was working. He was going to die, he was going to die right here, right now, if the pounding of his heart was any giveaway.

“Had a dream,” he whispered. “Was about Chan. He… he died, hyung. Right in front of me,” he started to cry again. “I did nothing, I wasn’t there for him. I let him get hurt, it was my fault, Yoongi-ssi.” He didn’t know if he was talking about the dream or reality anymore.  

“You didn’t do _anything_ wrong, Minho. You’ve never done anything wrong. What Channie wants to do with his life is _his_ decision. Not yours,” his voice was gentle, yet firm. “You’re a great friend, Minho. You’re one of my _best_ friends.”

Minho shook his head rapidly, tears spilled over his face. “I’m not,” he whispered. 

“You _are,_ I promise. I would never lie to you. Keep talking to me, Minho-ah. Keep talking,”

“I…” he whimpered, “It’s _hard.”_  

“I know, I know. But you gotta try. Sing your favorite Beatles song, even if you can’t sing all the lyrics perfectly, just try.”

The Beatles. That made him think of Jisung, for a moment his heart warmed, but it was fleeting. 

He took a deep breath. “When I… When I find muh-myself in tuh-times of truh-trouble Mother Mary comes tuh-to me…” he couldn’t finish the rest of the song, not because he didn’t want to, but because someone started coming down the hall. 

His body froze. “Someone’s coming, hyung,”

“It’s okay, it’s okay, they’re not gonna hurt you. They’re just teens like you.”

“Is he _okay?”_ Someone asked, Minho thought it was Felix.

 _“I don’t know!_ He just ran off,” that was Hyunjin. “You guys were out and about and I needed someone to help me find him.”

“Do you think he’s hurt?” That was Seungmin. 

Minho hugged his knees closer, they couldn’t see him, not like this. No one could see him. He cried softly and just listened to Yoongi shushing him.  

“Over there!” Felix yelled. “I think that’s him!”

Minho felt sick to his stomach. There was no stopping the three boys coming over to him. Seungmin gasped and immediately knelt by his side. 

He was bombarded with several questions until Minho handed the phone to Hyunjin. 

“Hello?! Hi, yes, my name is Hyunjin and yo— _oh._ Hello, Yoongi hyung. I don’t know what’s going on,” 

Minho watched as Hyunjin’s face morphed into one of confusion. He felt Felix touch his knee, but he quickly jolted away from the touch. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” Seungmin asked. 

Minho shook his head. 

_I’m sorry you guys have to see me like this._

“What?!” Everyone looked up at Hyunjin. “Of course I don’t hate Minho. He’s one of my best friends, I love him.” 

Minho felt a red hot shame glow in his body. 

_See? How dare you assume one of your friends’ emotions. You’ve probably made him mad now._

It didn’t matter if he proved his anxiety wrong on one this, it always had another way to make him feel worse.  

“Okay,” Hyunjin nodded, “yeah, here you go,” he handed the phone to Felix. “I’m gonna go get the nurse, Seungmin, you text Chan and ask him to come out here.” 

“No!” Minho shouted. “You can’t,” _he’ll get mad._  

“He will text him,” Yoongi scolded, “he can help you in person, unlike me. It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

“I’ll be back soon,” Hyunjin smiled, “you’ll be okay. And, no, those guys in the bathroom ain’t got shit on you, hyung. I promise.” He ran off before Minho could question him. 

Minho didn’t speak much for a few minutes, he felt too ashamed. He ripped time away from his friends when they could have been learning. 

“I’m sorry,” he truly didn’t think anyone else would hear him. 

“Don’t be,” Seungmin smiled, “you’d do the same for us. It’s okay, honest.”

“Yeah,” Felix laughed, “this gets me out of a test! Thank you, man.”

Minho could almost laugh with him, _almost._

“See?” Yoongi’s crackled voice said. “You’re loved.”

Felix started to pout. “You didn’t think we loved you?”

“It’s not that,” Yoongi chuckled, “he thinks everyone secretly hates him.” 

“Stop that,” Seungmin grinned, “you’re like, the coolest person I know. I wouldn’t let just anyone come to my birthday party.” 

Felix looked at him. _“Our_ birthday party,” 

For the first time all day, Minho laughed. He remembered bowling with them and how he wants to go back and do that again. 

It was then that Chan came racing down the hall, even with his hurt ankle. 

“Minho-ssi! What happened.”

“Panic attack,” Yoongi answered.

Chan blinked a few times. “Yoongi hyung? What are you doing?”

“He called me, but I have to get going, you’ve got this, right?”

Chan nodded. “Of course!” 

“Okay. Goodbye, Minhoie.” 

“Bye…” 

Chan sighed and bit his lip taking Minho up and down. “Okay, guys, you can head out. I’ve got it.”

“You sure?” Seungmin asked. Chan nodded. 

Before they left Minho whispered. “Thank you,”

Felix chuckled. “No need. Hope you feel better, hyung!” They waved and walked away. Chan slide next to him and grimaced. 

“You smell like vomit,” he chuckled. 

Minho rolled his eyes, it only made Chan chuckle again. 

“Wanna hold my hand? Or are you still not ready for physical contact?” 

 _I don’t know why you’d_ want _to hold hands with me._

Without saying anything, Minho held onto his pinkie. It was just enough. “You didn’t have to come,”

“Part of the Best Friend Code. Always be there for each other.”

Minho blushed, he almost forgot about that stupid list they made that one time they _both_ got drunk. The one and only time. 

A few minutes later Hyunjin and the nurses assistant came back with a wheelchair. With some coaching, she let Chan come with them, but Hyunjin had to go back to class. It was uncomfortable trying to get Minho to stand without falling right over, but somehow they did it. 

Time was a blur, but the rush of wind that came over Minho helped calm him down in ways he didn’t know was possible. He made a mental note to tell Jeongyeon that helped. 

When they arrived in the office Chan helped fill out Minho’s entry form. 

The door whipped open and a sweaty Jisung walked in, he was holding his arm. 

“Suh-Sungie?” Minho felt all the air leave his lungs. 

Jisung’s smile left his face just as quickly as it arrived. “You okay? Hyunjin texted me and said you were here, so I fell down and pretended to be in pain to come here,” he said nonchalantly.  

Minho blushed but nodded. “I’m okay now,”

“He had a panic attack,” Chan added, “but he seems _much_ better than he did ten minutes ago.”

“That’s good,” Jisung grinned and began signing himself in. “Everyone in the group hopes you’re doing okay.” 

Minho looked up and made eye contact with Jisung for just a moment, but he swore he saw Jisung’s eyes shine with every emotion.

“Really?” 

“Of course! They want speedy updates!”

Minho rubbed the back of his neck. 

The nurse came out soon after adorned in white. Her hair was pulled back, and her smile was pulled upwards. Before she said anything to Minho, she looked at Jisung and pouted. 

“Jisungie,” she put her hands on her hips, “Are you doing this to get out of class, or are you actually hurt?”

Jisung simply winked. “I’ll leave that up to the expert!” He directed his attention back to Minho and Chan. “Her and my mom are best friends,”

“Your mom is friends with everyone,” she grinned and walked over to Minho. His face grew red. “Well hello there! I don’t believe we’ve met, I’m Doctor Choi Eun. You?”

Minho gripped his uniform. “Lee Minho…”

“Wonderful to meet you! Now, why are you in a wheelchair?”

“He had a panic attack and couldn’t walk right,” Chan jumped in.  

She looked up. “Ah, Channie! The notorious faller! I didn’t know the three of you were friends,” she smiled, “well, Minho, let’s get you in! Can you stand now?” 

Minho nodded faintly. 

“Wonderful, we’ll fix you right up.”

As they were walking away he heard Chan and Jisung talking.

“He calls you Sungie? I thought only your mom called you that?”

“Shut up, he’s cute, he can get away with it.”

-

Her office was small and quaint. She had several fake plants around the room and pictures all over the place. One was with her and Jisung’s mom. 

She had him remove the first layer of his uniform and checked his heart rate. 

He ran his thumb over his pants. 

“Well,” she sighed, “your heart is pretty elevated, not going to sugar coat it. Does that normally happen when you have a panic attack?”

Minho gazed at the floor and nodded. “Yes.” 

“Does it feel like everything is against you? Do you feel weird?” She walked back to her desk. 

He nodded and started slightly rocking back and forth. 

“That’s very normal, Minho-ah. Remember that, this is all _very normal._ Many people have anxiety. Do you see a therapist?”

He nodded.

“Does she help?”

He nodded. 

There was a beat of silence and Minho unknowingly started tapping his foot to the beat of the clock. 

“I see you like to rub the fabric of your clothes. Would it help to hold a cloth in class?”

Now Minho nodded vigorously. “Vuh-Very much, miss. I woh-would luh-like that…” 

She smiled. “Here,” she handed him a green piece of cloth that was able to fit in the palm of his hand. “Keep it. It helps some kids, so I always have some,”

He bowed. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. Minho-ah, let me ask you something,” she leaned forward, “can you please look me in the eyes?”

Blood rushed all over his body. His whole body shook and he slowly looked up, once he looked at her eyes, he darted them away; they kept darting back and forth. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “it’s hard.”

She shook her head. “Don’t apologize, sweetie. It’s okay. Let me ask you something else, did any loud noise help push this panic attack along?” 

He nodded. “It was just a little too loud.”

She pursed her lips and nodded. “I’m looking through your records, and let me ask, sweetie, have you ever been tested for Autism? Specifically Aspergers?”

Minho cocked his head. Instead of looking into her eyes, he looked at her nose. “What’s that, Doctor Choi?”

She smiled. “It’s a form of autism. You see, autism is on a spectrum and it affects _many_ people in _many_ different ways. I was just wondering if you’ve been tested.”

He shook his head. “Why? Duh-Do you think I could have that?”

She nodded. “You may. I just met you, but you seem to have some of those sighs. It doesn’t make you any different from your friends, it just means you see the world a little differently than us. That’s all, sweetie. Would you like me to call your mom and have an appointment set up?”

Minho shrugged. “If you think that’s what’s best?” 

“I do. It’s just a test we can do here, it’s not scary on anything. Why don’t I also have you go home today, okay? You’ve had a long day, would you like that?” 

He nodded faster.  

Doctor Choi laughed. “All right, sweetie. All right,”

As they left, Chan and Jisung were still there. Jisung hopped up while Chan took a little longer to stand. 

“You okay?” The Aussie asked. 

Minho shrugged. “Better…”

“We’re gonna have him head home for the day,” Doctor Choi smiled. 

The two boys both offered to walk with him immediately. Minho rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Chan, sweetheart, you can’t. You’re already failing a few classes, you can’t afford to miss another day.”

Minho cocked his head. “You’re failing?”

Chan looked down and played with his hair. Before he could respond, Doctor Choi spoke up again. 

“Jisungie, don’t you need me to check your wrist?”

Jisung shrugged. “Nah, it’s all better. I can call my mom and ask if I can get dismissed with him. I don’t want my fragile hyung walking home alone,” he winked. Minho almost choked. 

“I suppose that’s fine,” 

-

In the end Jisung was allowed to walk with Minho. They kept a good distance between one another for a short while. 

“You okay?” He asked over the sounds of leaves in the wind and cars on the roads.  

Minho pursed his lips. “Glad to be out of school,”

Jisung scoffed. “I feel that. Was Eun nice to you?” 

He smiled and put his hand in his pocket. “She was. She seems like the kind of person that would be your mom’s best friend.”

“My mom _is_ the best, isn’t she?” He chuckled. “You sure you’re all right?”

“All things considered, Doctor Choi is setting me up with a test…” 

“For…?”

Minho rubbed the cloth. “She thinks I… she thinks I’m on the… autism spectrum?” He said it like it was a question.  

Jisung slowed his pace. He looked down at the ground and pursed his lips. “Oh. Huh, well,” he suddenly looked up and smiled, “that’s fine! Jisooie, Hyunjin’s sister, has autism as you know. That doesn’t make you any different! You’re still my fragile cute hyung!” He exclaimed, pinching Minho’s cheek. 

He shied away from the touch, his whole body burned. “I’m not cute…”

Jisung gasped. “Uh, yes you _are?_ Have you looked in the mirror? You’re like, the cutest person out there, hyung. I lik— I think so at least,”

Minho smiled, that floaty feeling came back. “Really?” 

“Really,” Jisung put his arm around Minho. He gasped, his heart started to slam around his chest again, Jisung immediately pulled back. “I’m sorry! I know that Jisooie doesn’t like being touched suddenly, I—I’m sorry,” he bowed, “I don’t know how you are with that.”

It took Minho a moment to regain his sense of self. “It’s… it’s okay, Sungie. I just don’t like to be touched when I’m… _panicking._ Nuh-Now is fine…”

They started walking walking again, Jisung bit his lip. “Okay… if you’re sure.” He hesitantly put his arm around Minho’s shoulders and subtly drew him closer to his body. 

“Thanks for walking with me…”

Jisung grinned. “Course! Hey, listen, if you want, _and only if you want,_ do you wanna come back to my place? Stay until your mom gets off work?”

Minho bit his cheek and giggled. He looked over, only looking at Jisung’s nose, and nodded.

“Cool! My mom would love to see you!”  
  


_ May 21st, 2019:  _

_And, as you already know, I was diagnosed with Aspergers about a week or so later. The texts weren’t necessary_ hard, _they just had me reading a bunch of basic words and looking at different shapes and colors._

 _There was also a verbal part of the test where they tested my body language; a cognitive and behavioral test, and other such things._  

 _I was given noise canceling headphones, and I was put into a Special Education class for half an hour where I worked on different life skills. It was easy, but it was supposed to be. None of my friends made fun of me, they all just acknowledged it and accepted it. Hopefully you will too. I mean, it’d be illegal if you_ didn’t, _but still._

 _Apparently, both of my mothers speculated I had Aspergers since I was a kid, they said I didn’t make any friends until I was five. My mom told the one doing my test that I always carried around a blanket when I was little, and rubbed it whenever I was anxious._  

_I would have been tested and diagnosed sooner, but my biological mom had already left our lives._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinion on RV, Everglow, and The Boyz’s comebacks? All in all, I liked them. 
> 
> Also, today was the day I realized that Jungkook and my sister share a birthday, and that’s upsetting in so many ways. 
> 
> As always, comments are always appreciated. Tell me what you liked, didn’t like, hated, or loved! 
> 
> Have a good day, and try and make someone smile, especially if it’s yourself! 💜


	9. All I want for You, My Son, is to be Satisfied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sis Minsung really is my happiness.

_ May 21st, 2019: _

_ Ah, yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: my tragic backstory. Every good story needs one, and mine sure as hell has that. Credit where credit is due, my childhood wasn’t the  _ worst,  _ I mean, as we all know Chan didn’t have the best life.  _

_ But, hey, it still sucked and it helps with moral/lesson I’ve learned that’ll come at the end of this essay.  _

_ I’ve come to peace with it now, my biological mom was a piece of shit who left my mom when she was only 22, my biological mom was 23. I was five. They were a couple and happily dating (though I couldn’t exactly tell my friends at the time, gay couples were  _ hated  _ back then). Then one day my biological mom _  
  
  


_ June 7th, 2004: _

came into Minho’s room late at night and sat on his bed. Her black hair framed her face in a way that only a model could. She gently said Minho’s name as to not startle the boy. 

The five-year-old rose from his sleep, he was having a little hissy fit because he was woken up, but Shijoon shushed him and pulled him into her arms. She hugged him close and felt Minho’s security blanket tickle the back of her neck. She giggled and kissed his temples. 

Minho has calmed down and hugged her gently as he listened to the light rain outside. He picked at the felt of the blanket and was slowly drifting off to sleep again. 

“Sweetie,” Shijoon whispered. “Sweetie, lift your head and look at mommy, okay?”

Minho, pouting, itched his eye and leaned back to look at Shijoon. He smiled because she smiled. She pinched his cheeks to stop the slightly present pout. 

“There’s my baby boy,” she smiled. “I missed your smile.”

He smiled and put his hands to his face, giggling. “I was sleeping, mommy,”

Shijoon pursed her lips and ruffled his hair. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I just needed to tell you something, okay?”

Minho cocked his head to the side and gripped his blanket tighter. “What?”

She shuddered for a moment, she wiped her eyes and smiled, but her lips were shaking. “Mommy loves you, mommy loves you  _ so  _ much. Never forget that,” she kissed his forehead, her lips lingered for a moment too long. “Never forget that you’re the greatest boy  _ ever  _ and you’re gonna  _ be  _ someone someday. You’re gonna find love, and happiness,” she shuddered again, “and mommy might not see it all, but she loves you so much.”

Minho scrunched up his nose, not fully understanding what her words meant. “What do you mean, mommy?”

She smiled and laughed, tears stinging her eyes. “Just a reminder, baby,” she kissed his cheek. “Just a reminder that I love you,”

Minho smiled and hugged her again. “I love you more, mommy! Can I go to sleep now?”

Shijoon laughed again, and patted his back. “Of course, baby,” she put him under the covers and put his squirrel stuffed animal next to his pillow. “Have the  _ best  _ dreams, sweetie,” she kissed his forehead again and shut off the lights. 

The rain continued at a steady pace, it soothed the boy back to sleep. The next time he woke up was when headlights shone into his room. He jumped up, no one ever came to visit this late. 

He ran to his window and put his hands at the windowsill, his eyes barely being able to see anything. Minho looked around until he barely saw Shijoon talking to someone. 

Minho had never seen this person before, he was confused, but he stayed quiet. He watched the two hug and kiss and he was in awe:  _ Mommy only kisses mom like that. Mom doesn’t have short hair?  _

The boy ended up tapping on the window. This got Shijoon’s attention as she looked up, her bottom lip quivered. She waved to him, but she wasn’t looking directly at him. 

Minho watched as she got into the car, tears filled the young boy’s eyes as he now started hitting the window. “Mommy!” He yelled. 

The car pulled out the driveway and Minho started to wail. “Mommy! Where are you going?!” 

Shijoon looked out of her window one last time, tears rolled down her face. She blew him a kiss and waved more with her fingers and less with her full hand. 

Minho screamed. He watched the car pull out of view. 

“Mom! Help me!” He got on his knees, snot coming out of his nose. “Mom!” He yelled again, his voice started to  _ burn,  _ his once nice blanket was now soaked in tears. 

It didn’t take long for Lee Mija to come into the room, hair disheveled, her face looking almost droopy in the middle of the night. Panic washed over her once she looked at Minho. She shrieked and ran to him, scooping him into her arms. Mija shushed him repeatedly, kissing his head over and over. 

“What happened, Minnie? Nightmare?” Her voice, surprisingly, was calm. “Did a monster try and get you?”

Minho shook his head, snot and tears stained his mom’s shirt, but Mija didn’t care. “Mommy…” he whispered. 

Mija stopped moving her hands for just one second. “What about Mommy?”

He started crying again. “Suh-Suh-She’s… she left, mom! She got in a car and  _ left.”  _ He spat out his words like a curse. 

“What?” Mija sounded exasperated. 

Minho nodded. “I suh-saw her get into a cuh-car and leave,” he stuttered. 

She stood up, still holding Minho tightly. She went down the stairs briskly and looked into the kitchen, no Shijoon. Mija hugged her boy closer and went into the living room. She saw a note hanging there, with shaking hands she took it. 

Minho saw her read the note, but he couldn’t read it himself. The next thing he knew was that his mom started crying harder, hugging him harder. 

The two cried on the couch for what seemed like hours. Minho slowly started to exhaust himself until his body slowed and his cries stopped. 

The next thing he knew was that he was sleeping in his parents room, right where Shijoon slept. He rubbed his eyes and saw his mom kneeling on the floor next to him, holding his hands. 

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Muh-Mom?”

“Shh,” she caressed his face. “Oh, my little angel. My sweet, sweet, angel,” another tear slipped down her face. “I promise that I’ll protect you no matter what, okay?”

Minho nodded, rubbing his eyes again. He saw the way the lamp illuminated her face, in his eyes, he thought that she hadn’t slept in years.

“You’re my favorite boy  _ in the world.  _ You’re my angel,” she wiped her face and kissed his head. 

She slipped into bed next to him, he didn’t see her close her eyes.

And, when Minho woke up the next morning he checked the bathroom, no Shijoon. His bottom lip quivered and he was about to start crying until he heard his mom call for him. 

“Angel! Breakfast!” 

Happiness overflowed him, the three of them  _ always  _ ate breakfast together. He ran down the stairs until he only saw Mija standing there. 

His heart fell. 

However, Mija turned to him, grinning ear-to-ear. “Angel,” she whispered, “you’re not supposed to run down the stairs. But, I’ll let it pass for today, I made your favorite!”

She showed him a fresh hot plate of blueberry pancakes.

His jaw dropped, she only made these on his birthday. “Wow!” He yelled, “Thank you, mom!”

“Oh,” she waved him off, “it’s what mom’s do best when they love their boys.”

While he ate, he almost forgot about Shijoon’s presence.  _ Almost.  _ He still looked around every few seconds and waited for her to come down the stairs. 

He still checked every room in the house,  _ just in case.  _ Just in case she was there, getting ready for a fun filled day as she walked him to the bus stop for school. 

But instead it was Mija who walked him there, hand in hand. 

He continued to look behind him and check to see if she was there. 

He checked  
  


_ November 24th, 2015: _

his group chat first thing that Saturday morning, his Daegu boys knew what today was for him. 

**GROUP CHAT: daegu sluts united**

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ hey buddy _

**From: Namjoon hyung:**

_ :( _

_ You gonna be okay today? _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ Yeah? Are you? _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ I’ll manage. I miss you guys tho.  _

_ Like a lot _

**From: Jimin-ssi:**

_ we miss you too!!! Like everyday we’re like “damn, if Minho was here he’d agree with me” _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ We do miss you man _

**From: Yoongi hyung:**

_ We’re also sorry that is such a shit day for you _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ it’s okay _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ no its not :( it’s her birthday and that always fucks you up.  _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ I’m seventeen now I’ve grown  _

**From: Namjoon hyung:**

_ You can never just outgrow sadness  _

**From: Yoongi hyung:**

_ is that a joke because both me and jimin are depressed x2? _

**From: Jimin-ssi:**

_ If it was  _

_ that was pretty funny ngl _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ Yeah. It was.  _

**From: Namjoon hyung:**

_ Depends. Did it make you laugh Minho? _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ actually? Yeah. It did.  _

_ I don’t feel… horrible today. I think I can get through the day today guys _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

_ also gottem namjoon but anyway  _

_ Y E A H! THATS MY BBY THATS MY S O N!!! ilysm _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ That’s gay.  _

**From: Yoongi hyung:**

_ You have wet dreams of your friend Jisung every day _

**From: Jimin-ssi:**

_ OmO w h a t? _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ tea? _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ I do. N O T.  _

**From: Yoongi hyung:**

_ With how much you talk about him you probably do.  _

_ “Oh Jisungie is so cute! Oh him and Changbin made such a funny joke! Wow Jisungie’s hair is so soft!” _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ Shut.U. P.  _

**From: Namjoon hyung:**

_ He’s growing up and if he wants to get dicked down by his friend then he can _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA god I have to tell Chen about this he’d get a kick out of it.  _

_ Anyway Minho is gay for Jisung hwbk _

**_From: Jimin-ssi:_ **

_ minsung  _

**From: Hoseok hyung:**

_ Minsung.  _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ Isn’t this supposed to be a sad day? Why am I getting attacked like this _

**From: Yoongi hyung:**

_ Laughter is the best medicine <3 _

**From: Jimin-ssi:**

_ <3 _

**From: Minho-ssi:**

_ I’m unfriending alL of you _

He shut off his phone and actually  _ smiled.  _ Memories of his past came back like waves, but there was a part of him, a very small yet  _ glowing  _ part of him, that was hopeful. Maybe that was because he dreamt about all his friends having a meal together, Jisung holding his hand, or maybe he was simply growing up. 

Minho has found that time does heal all wounds, it’s just different for everyone how  _ long  _ that time takes. 

Whatever it was, something in the air gave him the tiniest bit of hope. But it was  _ real.  _

He tentatively knocked on his mom’s door. 

Silence rained in from the other side, Minho didn’t need an invitation to open the door. When he did, he noticed his mom’s room seemed darker; the curtains weren’t drawn or anything, the sun poured in like any other day, but the walls seemed to have lost their colors. The vanity mirror looked warped, her bed was made a little  _ too  _ perfectly, and all her photos of her and Minho hung astray. 

There, sat still on the bed, was Lee Mija. She seemed lighter than normal, like her body weight didn’t make an impact on the bed. She simply stared out of her window which had a simple view of a tree and the next apartment complex. 

“Ma?” He said, but his voice didn’t seem to reach her. He wasn't quite or anything, it’s just all laws of sound and light seemed to vanish in this quaint room. 

When he didn’t get an answer he walked in further, he sat next to her without saying anything. She seemed to notice his presence as she finally smiled at him, but it didn’t hold any merit. A small part of him was still angry that she forgot his birthday, but he had to let that go inevitably, there were bigger things to worry about then petty problems with a parent. 

They sat together and watched the branches fly in the wind. Whatever birds were still there hid their babies away from the cold the snowfall would bring them. Minho saw a mother bird huddled over two eggs, he watched as she stayed alert to everything. Minho felt bad for the mom, he wanted her to go someplace warmer with her babies, not stay here. 

“Ya know something, angel?” She broke the silence, Minho jumped.

“Hmm?”

She looked over to him and smiled. Placing her hand on his thigh, she continued. “I’m so happy you’re alive,”

The wind grew harsher outside. Minho didn’t understand what she meant by that, but he nodded nonetheless. “I’m happy you’re alive too,”

She smiled and took her hand away, her body finally seemed to affect the bed again. “You’re my little angel, I swear,” there was a longing in her eyes as she watched the birds. “I love you, Minho,” 

“I love you too, mom.”

Once again she smiled, she reached for a photo of the two of them on her nightstand and fondly ran her fingers over the little Minho. It was a photo of him at his first dance competition when he was six, he had just won against this kid—Choi San—and came in first. 

“Shijoon never wanted you to dance,” she chuckled, her grip tightened. “She always said you’d get picked on, that kids would call you gay, that you couldn’t make a career out of it. At first I just thought she didn’t want kids picking on you—gay or not—but then I realized she was just a bitch,” she ran her thumb over the little Minho again. 

He ran his own thumb down his jeans and looked down. “Did you?”

“Did I what, angel?”

“Did yuh-you want me to dance?”

He saw the way his mom smiled, it wasn’t bright and full of life, it was calm and reassuring. “I wanted you to do whatever made you smile. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you,” she held his hand so casually it felt like she was always holding it, she put the photo down on her pillow, “you make me smile every day, angel. There isn’t anything I want more than your happiness. You’re the reason I get up every day, angel. I don’t care if you believe in God or not, he gifted you to me, I just know it.” 

When Minho looked at her for just a moment, he saw the tears slide down her face. He didn’t realize that he was crying himself until he saw his jeans stain with a darker color. 

“I know you know what kind of job I have to do sometimes,” she sighed, “you’re not stupid. But just know— just know that I’m  _ okay,  _ angel.” 

Minho started to cry harder, he put his head on her shoulder and wiped away his tears, watching the branches outside. 

“Let me get you tissues, angel,” she patted his head and went to open the nightstand. She reached for her tissues when her jaw went agape. “Wha— I thought I gave this to you,” she pulled out both money and tissues. She handed the tissues to Minho but she still looked at the money. 

After drying his eyes he gazed at the money. 

“I didn’t give you this on your birthday?”

His heart started beating faster at the mention of his birthday, he shook his head. She gasped. 

“Angel, did I not wish you a happy birthday?”

Minho bit his lip as he shook his head again. “But, it’s okay, you were drinking,” he shrugged. 

Mija sighed heavily and put her head in her hands. “That’s no excuse, Minho-ah. I’m so sorry, I didn’t even make your favorite pancakes, oh my gosh, I’m the worst mom ever.” 

“No, no, no,” he rubbed her back for a moment, still sniffling, “you’re the best mom  _ ever.  _ You’re number one in my life,” she saw the way she blushed. 

She sat up, smiled, and handed him the money. “What did I do to deserve you,” she kissed his forehead. “C’mon, go out later, maybe with a friend or two, and go by something. I’m gonna go make you your long awaited birthday breakfast.”

She left Minho sitting on the bed, instead of thinking about the money, he thought about going out today. Going out with Jisung. He’d buy him something to say thank you for all the sweet things he’s done. 

Thinking about Jisung made him think about all his other friends. He then had a vivid memory of eating lunch in the library with the eight of them, they all quietly laughed together and spilled secrets and stories like teenage girls at a slumber party. 

_ “I never want to go back to Professor Kang’s class,” Woojin sighed and threw down his own. “You’re so lucky to be young,” he said to everyone younger than Hyunjin, “you don’t have to deal with her.” _

_ “Is she really that bad?” Seungmin asked, taking a bite of his sandwich. _

_ Changbin rolled his eyes. “She’s literally the worst. She gives us tests of shit we  _ never  _ went over.” _

_ “Yeah,” Chan nodded, “that’s why I’m failing her class.” _

_ Hyunjin laughed into his hand. “I think that’s also because you never study.” _

_ Chan threw his (Minho’s) bread crust at him and flipped him off. “Fuck off,” _

_ “He had a point,” Woojin smiled and nudged Chan, who went red.  _

_ Minho smiled and looked to the younger ones. “Thu-There was also this time ouh-one Jaebeom hyung and Hoshi hyung threw a textbook at huh-her projector.” _

_ Jeongin spat out his water, only getting mild glares from everyone around him. “When did this happen?!” _

_ Minho rubbed the back of his neck. “Second day of school. It was a dare that Mina gave them,” _

_ Felix nodded. “Yeah, that explains it, Mina, Taehyung, Jeongguk, and Jeongin over here are a wild bunch,” _

_ They all shared a collective laugh amongst each other.  _

“Minho?!” 

He jumped, his surroundings coming back to him. “Yes, mom?!”

“Breakfast!”

As he walked out he felt his steps get lighter, his past seemed a million miles away now. He walked down the hall and saw his cats purring for attention, and he gladly gave it to them. 

He had a constant grin on his face as he sat down and started going right into his food. 

Mija sat down across from him and let her head rest in the palm of her left hand. “Happy late birthday,” she whispered. 

“Thank you, mom,” his smile was still there. Breakfast made him think of school, and school made him think of his friends, and that made him think of Jisung. 

_ Jisung.  _

His heart started to race when a memory flashed in his eyes of a time when Jisung held the door open for him. It was simple, but it was special. When he had to go to his special education class, his friends walked him until they came to their classes, but not Jisung, he always walked him the full way. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

Minho flushed and shook his head. “Just about how good your pancakes are,” he smiled. 

His mom rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Okay now, be honest. What are you thinking about?”

His smile grew, but he still shook his head. “I’m serious,”

“No, you’re not,” her voice was gentle. “You’re in love,” she said it just as casually as she held his hand. “I can see it on your face, Minho-ah. You’re in love,”

He was a dark shade of red, one he didn’t even know he could get. “Wuh-What? No I’m not,”

“Oh, a mother knows her baby. Who is it? Chan?”

Minho choked on his food. “Ew! That’s, like, basically incest at this point, and we don’t live in the southern parts of America.”

Mija threw her head back as she laughed. “Okay, okay, well, it’s obviously Jisungie, but I’m surprised it’s not that Changbin fellow, he’s so handsome.”

“All of my friends are  _ beautiful, mother.  _ Why do you guess it’s Jisungie?”

“Let me try something:  _ Han Jisung.”  _

Minho put up his shoulders and looked down, smiling. “This proves nothing,”

“Can’t ever lie to a mom, we know all. Ask him out,”

“No! He’ll say no!”

Mija bit her lip and shook her head. “No. No, he won’t. He’s head over heels for you, angel.”

“Just cause he does nice stuff doesn’t mean he likes me,” Minho’s face fell. 

His mom shook her head. “It’s more than that, angel. I see it in your eyes when you talk about him, and if he makes your eyes light up like you’re dancing, he likes you. Life is strange like that, if you meet someone and they can do that to you, there’s no way they don’t like you,”

Minho felt this red hot feeling stem in his heart. He felt warm all around, like Jisung was right next to him, smiling and holding his hand. 

“Really?” He couldn’t look up. 

“Yes, here,” she reached to a flower she hand in a cup of water, “I picked this up in a warmer part of Gimpo yesterday, go give this to him,” she put the purple flower on the table, the stem was hardly longer than his index finger. 

He looked up at her, he took the flower and held it up to his chest. “Do you think he’ll like it?”

Mija sat back down across from him and nodded. “I think he’d like macaroni art from you,” she laughed, “Yes. I do.” 

He licked his lips and thought of Jisung looking at him, he thought of Jisung’s lips, then he thought of his smile. 

“I—I love him, mom,” he whispered. 

Minho saw tears in her eyes, he was just about to ask if she was okay when she bit the inside of her cheek. “I know you do, angel. You’re done eating right?” Minho nodded. “Good. Now go, ask him out!”

“What about you?”

Mija shook her head. “Go, Minho-ah. Go to your man,”

Minho laughed and got ready, his mind was buzzing with every thought imaginable. He kept his jeans and threw on a pink sweater, he held the flower in his hands, smiling widely. He spun around his room for a bit, he called his friends on Skype and told him what he was going to do. 

Everyone cheered him on. 

As he left he kissed his mom on the cheek. He was going to go to his house and ask a boy out. Not just  _ any  _ boy, he was going to ask out Han Jisung. 

But, his plan went down the drain as soon as he opened the door. When he did, he saw someone standing there, hand raised to knock on the door. 

Minho started agape at the boy. 

“Sungie?” He asked. 

Jisung was there, huddled in a white sweatshirt, his hair, now brown as the dye has faded, framed his face, which was bright red. He stood there, frozen. 

He heard his mom choke on her juice in the back. 

“Huh-Hi,” He stuttered, he quickly put his hand down, his smile grew. 

Minho swallowed dry and waved at him, it was then that he realized he was holding the flower and quickly hid it behind his back. “Hello,”

Jisung pursed his lips and bounced on the soles of his feet. “You look cu—pret— _ nice.  _ You look  _ nice,  _ hyung,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry to just  _ drop  _ on over,” he laughed, “but I—um… how are you?”

Minho, still flabbergasted, nodded. “Good… good, what about… what about you?”

Jisung giggled and now rubbed his arm, nodding. “Good, I wanted to… ask you something,” he said the last bit like it was one word. 

“What is it?” He didn’t realize he put his hands in front of himself, flower in full view. 

Jisung’s face fell. “Who… who’s that for?”

Minho’s already concerningly high heart rate doubled. “Wuh-Wha-was for… it was for… you, Sungie…”

Just as soon as his face fell, it rose up again. “Me?! Really?” He jumped a little. “Thank you!” Once again, his face fell, “You were gonna visit me?”

Minho looked down and nodded. “Yeah,”

He heard Jisung sigh. “Well, hyung,” he chuckled, “I need to ask your mom something, okay?” 

He looked up for a moment, but he didn’t question anything as he walked it, giving a slight wave to his cats. He went into the kitchen and bowed. 

“Hi, Jisungie,” 

“Hello, Miss Lee, may I ask you something?”

“Go for it,”

“Muh-Muh,” he coughed and ran a hand through his hair, “Can I,  _ and it’s okay if you say no, _ but, can I date your son?” He said it so fast that Minho needed a moment to process it. 

Minho stopped himself from squealing. 

“Of course, Jisungie,” Mija’s eyes wrinkled as she smiled, “just take good care of him.”

Jisung nodded vehemently. “I will! I promise,” he went back over to Minho, who looked down. 

As soon as he did though, Jisung took the flower from his hand hand gently placed his fingers under his chin, making him look up. Though he didn’t look long, he saw that Jisung’s eyes looked like every flower in the world.

It was then that Jisung put the flower behind Minho’s left ear. “There,” he whispered.

“Sungie,” He said breathlessly, “this was supposed to be a gift for you.”

Jisung nodded. “I know,” he nodded again, “and it is.” 

Minho started to say something, but the words caught in his throat over and over again. 

“Hyung? Do you wanna go out with me?”

Minho felt nothing but gold run through his body. “Yes,” it was then that Jisung hugged him, he hugged him with so much strength. Minho placed his head in the crook of his neck and closed his eyes. 

“Best day of my life,” he heard Jisung say. “Even beats scaring Felix-ssi when we bowled.”  

Minho laughed at that, his comment didn’t break whatever mood they set up, it added to it. 

Of course they had to release from their hug, they couldn’t stay like that all day.  _ They were going to go out.  _

When they were leaving Minho turned and saw his mom sitting on the counter, he waved at her and she returned it. He felt… well, he felt like a bird finally flying. 

As soon as the door closed Jisung spun around. “So, my cute hyung has a crush on me?”  

Minho rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “So do you,”

He was expecting a witty comeback, but Jisung just nodded. “I do. A lot, actually,” Jisung tentatively to his hand and placed it over his heart. 

Minho almost gasped once he felt how fast it was beating. 

“I really like you, Minho hyung,” he laughed. 

Minho shifted his weight back and forth between his feet. “I’ve like you for longer,”

Jisung shook his head. “No. You have not,  _ trust me.  _ I picked Jeongin-ah up from dance class and saw you, and then you were forever the cutie from dance class.”

Minho’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

He nodded. “Yeah… that’s why I was so happy that you sat with us. Finally I didn’t just look at you in the halls and go:  _ ‘Damn he’s cute, I hope he has a good day’  _ all day.”

Minho flushed and Jisung giggled. “You’re so cute, hyung,” he pinched his cheeks making Minho shy away. “Cute, cute,  _ cute!”  _

There was a moment where Minho laughed, and then all was silent for awhile. Minho felt Jisung stare at him.

“Hyung,” He said, and tilted his chin up, Minho finally looked at him (only at his nose), “hi hyung.”

“Hey, Sungie,”

“Kiss me.”

Minho’s eyes bulged out for a moment. “I’ve— I’ve never kissed anymore before.”

“I’ve only ever kissed Hyunjin,” he saw Minho’s eyes widen, “shh. Don’t worry, it was just a dare. Mina dared us,” 

Minho laughed. “Fucking Mina…”

Jisung grinned. “I know, right,” he held Minho’s face and  _ kissed him.  _

Minho froze right then and there. He remembered all the books he read about feeling fireworks in your stomach, or an overwhelming sense of calmness and love spread inside you, or like you and the person you’ve kissed fit together like puzzle pieces. 

They were all wrong. 

They didn’t fit together perfectly, Jisung’s lips were chapped and cold, Minho didn’t know how to kiss back, and there was no eruption of emotion inside of him. 

He simply kissed a boy. A boy who he loved. A boy who always made sure he was okay, who liked him back, a boy who made Minho feel like he was important. 

He kissed Han Jisung, and that meant so much more than having a first kiss feel like how the books and movies tell you it’s supposed to feel like. 

The kiss went on a little too long, but Jisung did pull back. He still held his face and kissed his nose. 

“Best kiss I’ll ever have,”

He knew, he knew somewhere deep inside of him, that Jisung felt the same way he did. 

“Same,” Minho smiled. 

The two walked down the hallway and outside into the snow, it immediately caught in their hair and they both giggled, not because it was funny, but because they  _ could.  _ Jisung hugged him from behind and kissed his cheek. 

“Where do you wanna go?” He whispered. 

“Anywhere,” Minho answered easily. 

Jisung laughed into his neck. “Anywhere? Anywhere at all?”

Minho nodded. “Honestly? Yes,” he turned back to look at Jisung, and he kissed him again. This time was better than the last. 

“Pick,” Jisung kissed him again, “I’ll pay.”

He shook his head and now they stood front to front. “I have money,”

Jisung shrugged. “Don’t care, I’m paying. You can pay on our next date.”

He kissed him _ again.  _

“I— okay. There’s gonna be another one?”

“Do you want there to be?”

Minho has never nodded faster in his life. 

“Good. Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Scratch that:  _ now  _ Minho has never nodded faster in his life. “Will you… will you be mine?”  

Jisung kissed him  _ again.  _ “Yes. So, you wanna go anywhere?”

Minho giggled and he was kissed  _ again.  _ “Are you gonna keep doing that?”

Jisung kissed his forehead. “Do you want me to stop?”  

Minho took a moment to reply. “No… I don’t,”

The two hugged again, and when Minho looked up he saw his mom in the window winking at him. He flushed and buried his head into Jisung’s neck. 

“Kiss me again,” Minho whispered. 

Jisung immediately went to kiss all around his face, some water from the snow getting on his skin. He laughed but didn’t try and stop him. Eventually he kissed his lips. 

Minho finally kissed back. 

And, when Jisung pulled away he held his hands. “I meant it when I said that I’m happy you came into my life. Thank you,”

“For what?”

“Literally just existing. Thank you,” 

Minho leaned back back and laughed. “Thank you as well,”

“For?” He teased. 

“Making me… thank you for making me feel… what those kids in teen movies feel. I think I love you, Han Jisung.”

Jisung’s eyes widened. “Right back at you, Lee Minho,” the way he said his name made Minho love the cold simply because he said it in the cold. The Jisung Effect was strange like that. 

“You ready for our date?” Minho asked, wiping some snow from Jisung’s hair. 

“I’ve been ready,” he kissed his cheek.   
  
  


_ May 21st, 2019: _

_ I don’t think anyone really ever forgets their first real kiss. But, I think that’s just a staple of life to do that. It’s your first kiss, how can that not be special? _

_ Anyway, I did tell you earlier that we dated, so don’t be too surprised.  _

_ Also, I basically said a big “fuck you!” to my biological mom that day. Fuck her. You know she  _ never  _ gave me a card. No birthday, no Christmas, nothing. Fuck her. (Please don’t be mad at me for swearing I’m just trying to make this as real as possible!)  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all are hacks if you think Pentagon are one-hit wonders. 
> 
> Anyway! Tell me your thoughts on this chapter, spill that tea sis, what did you hate about her? What did you love? 
> 
> And, of course, try and make someone smile today. Especially if it’s yourself. :) it’s what Chan would want.


	10. Baby, Touch Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an obligatory make out scene in this, because teenagers are horny bastards. I say like I’m not seventeen. However, there is no smut. 
> 
> Chapter title based off of Touch by NCT 127. You’d think that would be the song I was listening to while writing this, well you’d be wrong. I was actually listening (in ORDER) to Mic Drop by the Bangtan Whores, Take Off by WayV, Cherry Bomb by NCT 127, M. I. A by Stray Kids, Blind by Monsta X, Gogobebe by Mamamoo, and Feel Special by TWICE. Now I don’t know what’s that MEANS, but hey. It got the chapter out my guy. Also stream Bullet to the Heart.

_May 21st, 2019: _

_Maybe there is something special about going on a date in winter. You have an excuse for cuddling up to someone—“Oh baby I’m so cold!”—or you have a reason for holding hands, you can be all cute. But dating Jisung around this time was special because of that; I was dating Jisung. That’s what made dating him in winter so meaningful, that’s what makes winter so meaningful now. It was all him._

_Even now, after not speaking to him for years, winter brings a warmer feeling in my heart, the Jisung Effect does that to you I guess._

_The night of our first date was so_

_ November 24th, 2015: _

“Beautiful,” Jisung clapped, “absolutely _beautiful.”_

Minho chuckled and gazed towards Jisung. “It’s a boardwalk, Jisungie,”

They decided they wouldn’t do anything specific for their first date, they would simply walk around Gimpo and see what the streets had to offer them. They walked hand-in-hand for awhile and laughed about nothing in particular and kissed. A lot. Every kiss objectively was better than the last, even though no kiss lasted longer than five seconds. 

When they came to the wooded area and looked out over the sea, Jisung smiled; it was a smile Minho had never seen before, it wasn’t his usual smile that gave the sun a run for its money, it was calm and sweet, and it reminded Minho of watching a butterfly dance in the wind. It was a smile that screamed _Han Jisung_ in a way Minho didn’t know was possible. He hid his teeth, which was abnormal, but it worked with the smile. 

He noticed Jisung under the yellowish streetlights and noted that tonight he looked handsome. His jawline was finally starting to become more prominent, his hair fell beautifully, and he stood up straighter. Minho felt so small standing next to him, but not in a way that made him scared, it was in a way that made him want to rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder and kiss his neck. Probably bite it and kiss the mark away. 

That thought made his heart jump, he didn’t normally have _any_ sexual thoughts, but he supposed that Jisung brought out in the inner teenager in him. The Jisung Effect was odd like that he came to realize. 

“You’re staring,” he heard Jisung chuckle, “baby, you’re staring.”

Minho bit his lip. “I didn’t know we were at the pet-name stage yet,” he tugged at his sweater, “I thought that had to wait at least a week,”

Jisung shrugged and kissed his cheek. When he thought he’d pull away, he actually leaned in and whispered: “Do you not like it, hyung,” 

He felt his body shine with every positive emotion one could have. “I like it,” he said barely above a whisper, “I like _you.”_

Then he felt Jisung hold his head so gently it was almost intoxicating and kiss his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, and then finally his lips. “I can’t believe I just get to _do_ that. What a privilege to be able to kiss the Lee Minho,”

At that Minho shoved him away, one because he had to playfully scold him, and two because no matter what, too close of space at any given time can get overwhelming for him. 

“Are you reciting some horrible romance book? Something American women read with sexy cowboys on the front?”

Jisung pursed his lips, his face going a little red. “Shut up,” he mused, “I’m being romantic.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, _baby.”_

Forgetting their two second debate, Jisung beamed and laughed wholeheartedly. “You’re using the pet-name too! Aw,” he bit his lip, “you’re so cute, Minho. Honestly, just the cutest,”

Minho rolled his eyes and pulled Jisung along by his sleeve. “C’mon you doofus, treat me to a _real_ date.”

“Ooh, so much _spunk_ in you now, I like it.”

They walked around for several more minutes and watched the snow fall as the sun was finally beginning to set. Jisung has bought a hot dog from an American themed stand and the two debated for a few minutes about what condiments go the best on hot dogs. The two poked fun at each other, and, to the best of Minho’s ability, he tried to keep up with Jisung. 

Being on the autism spectrum and dating someone would be difficult, Minho knew that from the beginning, he assumed Jisung knew that as well. A part of him assumed that Jisung would get annoyed with him and his semi-inconsistent jumps whenever he was touched unexpectedly, or his lack of an ability to get social queues right away, and he was more than surprised when Jisung brought up the subject on his own. 

They were sitting on a park bench under a dim streetlight, their knees were almost touching. 

“If you ever get uncomfortable with anything, you can tell me. I know that it’s hard— _well I don’t know personally,_ but I _assume_ it’s hard. I know Jisooie goes to the special education classes that you go to, and I can slightly understand that it’s hard to have some problems, so just let me know if there’s anything _I_ can do better. Like, I also have ADHD so there’s some things _I_ can’t handle and—”

 _“—Jisung,”_ Minho put his hand on his thigh, “calm down,” he chuckled, “it’s uh-oh-okay, don’t worry. We’ll be fine.”

Jisung took a deep breath. “Right, _right._ We’ll be fine,” he smiled, “it’s just—like, I _really_ like you and I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

Minho rubbed the back of his neck and looked at his hand that was still on his thigh. “Right back at you, Sungie,” 

It was then that Jisung gently tugged Minho closet to his side and held up his phone. Minho saw Jisung flip to his camera, but right before he saw that his home screen was the picture of the nine of them on the birthday outing. He chose not to acknowledge it, he just put it in the back of his mind. 

Jisung put his arm around Minho and posed with a peace sign. “Smile,” he whispered so faintly and fondly that Minho couldn’t object. 

Just before he took the photo Jisung kissed his temple. 

 **Click**. ****

Minho was buzzing, he felt the kiss linger on his skin. 

Jisung posted it on Instagram, and he wasn’t at all surprised to learn that his Daegu friends were following his newer friends. 

 **HopeHoya:** _WHAT. WHAT. W H A T YOURE ACTUALLY DATING MY SON?!?! THE PLAN WORKED AND HE D I D N T TELL US?! MINHO YOU BASTARD_

 

 **148iq:** _Gay. I’m proud of you, but gay._

 

 **baby.j.oppa:** _you think you can just SWOOP right in and steal the loml. I’m watching you._

 **Gloss.rapper:** _@chenbestsinger @y.gyeom I told you my OG best friend was Super Gay_

 **chenbestsinger:** _I’ve never met him but he seems audibly gay_

 

 **DANCEKINGKAI:** _GOOD GOING MAN! Glad you’re dating Minho he’s the best dancer on the class_

 **mo_mo_queen:** _that would be me_

 

 **wwhjin:** _why do I still follow u I know you’re now only gonna post about you and him_

 

 **Mama.Han.SY:** _oh my sweet baby finally got the balls to ask him out_

 **prince_hyun_jin:** _LANGUAGE MOTHER_

 **QUEENHWANG:** _I’m your mother._

 **nosananolife:** _good job dumbass_

 **QUEENHWANG:** _What was that young lady?_

 **shownu.dad:** _hahahahahahah losER_

 

 **prince_hyun_jin:** _UM. W H A. T?!?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!!! I was buying clothes with @shownu.dad and @nosananolife AND T H I S HAPPENS?!?!_

 

 **jeonkookie:** _ha loser_

 **mina.ballerina:** _ur a loser_

 **jeonkookie:** _NO U_

 

 **chin.BIG:** _were you gonna tell us that you two were dating or were we just gonna find out like this?_

 

 **San.San:** _gAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

 

 **oliVa.hEY:** _I’ve been your friend for two days and I thought you were straight whA—_

 **yuto.best.rapper:** _i think you’re just an idiot to think that_

 **johnny.fasion-King:** _big idiot_

 

Minho gaped at Jisung. “You’re so popular,”

Jisung chuckled and shrugged. “I’m just nice,”

Minho didn’t quite know how to take that, but Jisung was right; he was one of the nicest people on Earth. His heart thrummed in his chest once he remembered that he can lay his head on Jisung’s shoulder and have it not be weird, so he did. 

He looks up gently and saw that Jisung’s smile grew twice its size. 

“I love you, Jisung.” 

The way Jisung didn’t look taken aback at his words made him feel safer in a weird way, he couldn’t explain it. He didn’t want to. 

“I love you too,” he kissed his forehead. 

**Brring, brring, brring, brring!**

The two were startled by a flood of messages coming into the group chat. He looked over his shoulder and saw the group chat was in a frenzy. 

**GROUP CHAT: oh god why?**

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: So y’all are fucking now?_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: WERE U N O T GONNA TELL US?!_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: I feel betrayed._

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: MINHO IS MY BEST FRIEND AND HE DIDNT TELL ME?!?!???!!!???_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: honestly? fuck you jisung we never thought you’d actually ask out minho_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: I thought he’d chicken out HARDCORE_

_Hyunjin: no joke_

_Hyunjin: thought he’d run away as soon as Minho-ssi opened the door_

_Hyunjin: I saw the notification while making Sana try out a dress for her girlfriend Momo and then I spat out my coffee onto Shownu_

_Hyunjin: and then Sehun laughed at us. Yeri and Jaemin both laughed at ME. EVEN J-I-S-O-O CHUCKLED IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: you have so many siblings it’s kinda scary_

_Changbin: also I’m not surprised they’re dating Jisung eye fucks him every minute_

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: hyunjin ur a loser_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: :(_

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: NO WAIT DONT BE SAD_

_Jeongin: ANGEL CUPCAKE SUGARBEAR SWEETHEART NO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH_

_Jeongin: love of my life uwu_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: :)_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: JISUNG I SEE YOU READING THIS CHAT RESPOND TO US_

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: YES. YES ANSWER US_

_Chan: are you with Minho? Are you on a date? Have you kissed yet? Are you gonna treat him right cause so hELP ME GOD IF YOU HURT HIM_

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: wait Jisung likes Minho?_

_Felix: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: IDIOT_

_Hyunjin: JISUNG LITERALLY TOLD US TWO WEEKS AGO THAT HE WANTS TO DO LESS THAN APPROPRIATE THINGS TO HIM_

_Hyunjin: like hold his hand and totally not ******* ofc aHem._

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: ooooooooooooooooooooo now I remember_

**From: best boy**

_Jisung: GUYS_

_Jisung: STOP SPAMMING MY PHONE WTF_

_Jisung: yes we’re dating and he’s right next to me_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: How’s the date going?_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: they’ve probably fucked_

**From: best boy**

_Jisung: nO_

_Jisung: WE GOT SOME FOOD AND ARE NOW CHILLING ON A BENCH_

_Jisung: he’s also giggling_

_Jisung: OH MY GOD HES GIGGLING_

_Jisung: hes so cute wtf_

_Jisung: aw he just lightly hit my arm I lOVE HIM OH MY GOD HES ADORABLE_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: whipped_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: whipped._

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: whipped_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: wHIPPED_

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: gAY_

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: CHAN YOU RUINED IT_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: damnit dad_

_Hyunjin: Sana looked over my shoulder and went “JIJI IS A WHIPPED SLUT”_

_Hyunjin: I love her_

_Hyunjin: oh and Sehun ratted her out to mom and dad and now she’s in trouble_

_Hyunjin: Shownu is laughing manically_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: The Hwang Family Adventures never stop amazing me_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: guys I have an announcement_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: you adopted Jeongin?_

**From: best boy**

_Jisung: I’m not whipped._

_Jisung: Fuck u guys_

_Jisung: yes mom?_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: I’m dating Chan._

Minho started choking on the air. _“What?”_ He wheezed. 

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: …_

_Jeongin: … WHAT_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: excuse me my mom and dad r actually dating?_

_Hyunjin: that’s gay_

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: your Pan I’m—_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: who asked who out_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: Chan did._

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: :)_

_Chan: This happened yesterday_

**From: best boy**

_Jisung: Minho shouted_

_Jisung: At the top of his lungs_

_Jisung: “WHAT?!?! HE DIDNT TELL ME?!?!?!”_

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: liSTEN_

_Chan: I was busy doing things_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: I’m things._

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: ...ew._

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: ewwwwww_

_Changbin: I’m unfriending all of you_

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: :(_

_Felix: what about me?_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: ...except for you_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: This is the most chaotic conversation we’ve ever had_

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: what about when we debated if peanut butter was a condiment or not?_

**From: best boy**

_Jisung: ITS A CONDIMENT_

**From: teeny baby**

_Jeongin: nO ITS NOT_

_Jeongin: it’s a STAPLE_

**From: Aussie Aussie**

_Felix: oh no it’s started_

_Felix: it’s not a FUCKING CONDIMENT YOU USELESS SLUTS_

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: ITS A SPREAD_

**From: BEST FRIEND**

_Hyunjin: CONDIMENT_

**From: big baby**

_Changbin: NO ITS NOT_

**From: Mom Hugs**

_Woojin: It’s not a fucking condiment_

**From: sNAKE**

_Seungmin: it fits every category to be a condiment you old hAG_

Minho laughed and pulled out his own phone and typed in his only response for the night. He looked back at Jisung’s phone and saw what his contact name for him was. 

**From: My Crush.**

_Minho: Condiment._

**From: Dad Hugs**

_Chan: You’re dead to me._

The conversation dulled to a silence, in the end no one really cared who was dating who, so long as everyone was happy, that’s all that mattered. 

Minho, with his head lying on Jisung’s shoulder, yawned heavily. 

“Are you tired, baby?”

Minho giggled at the nickname and pushed himself further into Jisung as an answer. He felt Jisung hum and wrap both of his arms around his waist and kiss the top of his head. 

They stayed like that for another few minutes as they simply took in each other’s presence. Minho felt his eyes grow heavy, he kissed Jisung’s neck as it was the closest skin he could find and smiled. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

“What was that, baby?” Jisung teased. 

Minho laughed and tried to pull away, but the grip Jisung had was too strong, and he was far too tired to _really_ put up any effort. 

It was then that they were face-to-face. Minho looked at the bridge of his nose and bit his lip. He wasn’t even surprised anymore when Jisung leaned in and pecked his lips. 

“Say it again.” 

“I love you,.”

Jisung kissed him again, and this time it was much longer than any other kiss they’ve had. They still didn’t fit perfectly with one another, both of their lips were ice cold, but it was still a kiss with _Han Jisung._

“I love you too, baby.”

Minho didn’t say anything, his head simply lulled off to the side, his eyes going heavy again. Tiredness filled his body to the brim, even though it was barely nine.

“Hyung? Do you think I could spend the night at your house— _it’s okay if you say no,_ and, like, I don’t wanna do anything _adult_ with you, I just,” he took a breath, “just wanna be with you. But it’s okay if you don’t want to,”

A smile crept onto Minho’s face before he could catch it. He nodded rapidly and stood up, holding his hand out. “Can’t get enough of me?”

“Never.”

They walked home hand-in-hand, talking and laughing like everything around them was the most beautiful thing. They joked here and there about school, about their friends, about each other, and somehow that was simply perfect in Minho’s eyes, and in his heart. 

Jisung took many photos of themselves as they walked back, and even though Minho didn’t quite like himself in the reflection, he still smiled and did whatever pose Jisung asked him to do. He sent each and everyone into the group chat and the two laughed at Changbin calling them gay, at the protective nature of Chan and Woojin, and at the general banter of the rest. 

There was something so innately _human_ about that night, maybe it was the way the stars twinkled a little brighter, or maybe it was because he was holding hands with his boyfriend. 

Whatever it was, Minho smiled. 

His mom wasn’t home when they came back, he knew this was work night for her, and he didn’t let that absorb his mind like it normally did. He went on his nightly routine and logged onto Skype and rambled on about his date to his friends, who were actually with two new people: Chen and Yugyeom. They all squished on Yoongi’s couch and used Yoongi’s account to talk to the two. 

That couch still held every stain from their friendship. 

They talked for several minutes and Jisung did everything he could to make himself seem like the greatest person to the six. 

It was cozy and homely and it made Minho forget that today was _her_ birthday. That didn’t matter, it was so minuscule to the present that it barely flickered in his mind. 

Oh, how Jeongyeon would be proud of him. 

Before they knew it, their first date was done and over with and the two simply laid down on Minho’s bed, both were much more awake now. Minho was on his side and Jisung spooned him, he wasn’t used to this, not with his history with Chan, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. The two stared out at the window at the ten stars they could see. 

His mind started to wander down a nostalgic path. 

“Hey,” Jisung nudged him, “what are you thinking about?”

Minho shook his head, “Nothing important, don’t worry.” 

Jisung kissed the back of his neck. “Tell me,” he whined. 

He playfully shook his head and laughed. “You know how we can’t see a lot of stars because we’re in the city?” He felt Jisung nod. “Well, one day, when Channie hyung got drunk, he told me that when he dies he’s gonna light up the sky with stars,”

“Oh,” there was a beat of silence between them. He felt Jisung move to hold his hand a little tighter. “That’s… that’s kinda sweet, I guess. My mom says that when she dies she’ll come back as a ladybug and watch over me,” he chuckled, “oh, gosh I don’t even wanna think about that. If my mom ever passes and I’m not eighteen I have to go live with my auntie in America. Her English name is Sarah, she’s my father’s half sister, best woman I’ve ever met. She once bought Hyunjin and _wholeass X-BOX._ She’s so nice, her and my dad were just the best, and—” he shook his head, _“—and_ I’m rambling again. I’m sorry, hyung,”

Minho grinned and shook his head, he gently turned around and kissed him square on the lips. “Don’t be sorry, baby,”

Under the faint glow of the stars, he could see Jisung’s face turn several shades darker. His lips parted slightly and he stared at Minho with a look he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Minho only concentrated on his lips, they were chapped and plump, they were red and chewed, they were nice. 

He heard Jisung swallow thickly and suddenly they were kissing. _A lot._ There were many kisses back-to-back, Minho couldn’t keep up, but he tried to match his pace. He pulled back after ten seconds to breathe, but then Jisung pulled him flush against his chest for another kiss. This one was much warmer than any other kiss they’ve shared. 

Minho’s hand bundled up against Jisung’s sweater and he tugged on it harshly, the cotton of the sweater bled through his fingers, a tingly feeling ran up his body. He extended his right hand up to cup Jisung’s cheek and he lightly traced circles on it with his thumb. 

Jisung tilted his head and moved his right hand down Minho’s back until it reached his waist. He stopped there and his handprint _burned_ Minho’s skin, he felt like he was spinning. Once again, he pulled away to breathe, he had never even kissed anyone before today. 

They were left to breathe in each other for a moment, the close proximity caused his heart rate to spike up, in both anxiety and something else he couldn’t pinpoint. 

“Do you wanna—” Minho cut Jisung off by kissing him so harshly he felt like he was going to cut his lip. He remembers in the back of his mind, reading books on how one person would “crash their lips” against their partners, and that wasn’t what he did. For Minho, it was like he was standing in a room with a burning fire, and every kiss was him touching it. It burned, but it was always too beautiful to stay away. 

The hand around his hip tightened mercilessly, Minho was yanked foreword and their chests were suddenly pressed together. Jisung’s tongue gently ghosted over Minho’s bottom lip, he gasped and pulled away. 

The grip loosened, but only just for a moment. Minho then remembered that this was normal, and he went back in again and tangled his hand in Jisung’s hair, he didn’t quite know what he was doing, but it felt strangely comfortable and normal. 

Jisung’s tongue slowly ran over his lips again, Minho figured he had to open his mouth, it was what people did in movies all the time. When it entered in his mouth, he whined lowly; at the same time Jisung put his hand under Minho’s sweater and gently raked his nails over the skin. 

As time went on, Jisung slowly pushed himself on top of Minho, and he enjoyed the pressure of Jisung’s body on top of his, it made him feel protected from all outside problems. 

Jisung pulled back for a moment and Minho released a sound he didn’t even _know_ he could make; it was low but somehow whiny and innocent. Jisung smirked and stroked the hair out of his face. “You’re so beautiful.” 

A red _hot_ sensation welled over all his muscles and rendered him practically unable to move. He could feel his brain being clouded with all thoughts of _Jisung, Jisung, Jisung._ All he could do was nod, even though he knew that wasn’t a proper response. 

There was a beat of silence when Jisung finally sighed. “Can I—Uh, can I give you a hickey?”

Now Minho hid his face under his bent arm, he bit his lower lip. He nodded and couldn’t see Jisung’s reaction, but he assumed it was something akin to relief. 

Jisung thumbed over his sweater right where his collarbone was. He pressed in gently before moving his hand down. “Can I take this off? You can say no if you want, I promise you it’s _more_ than okay.” 

He could almost taste blood with how hard he was biting, but he still nodded. “Buh—” he hissed once the sweater was off him and the frigid air attached itself to his body. _“Baby,”_ he put his hands on the back of Jisung’s white sweatshirt and _pulled._

Once again, Jisung smirked, he knelt down and slowly took the skin between his shoulder blade and collarbone and started to suck. Minho felt his body convulse, he pulled Jisung closer to him. 

Jisung came off and left another one right next to that one. 

Once he was done he kissed Minho’s forehead and all the way down his chest, but he stopped himself there. Before Minho knew it, Jisung slipped the sweater back over him and hugged him from behind again. 

“I love you, hyung.”

“I—I love you too.”

“Go to sleep, baby. Have sweet dreams, I’ll be here when you get up.”

_ May 21st, 2019: _

_Looking back on it, that wasn’t_ that _good of a kiss; Jisung didn’t know what he was really doing, and neither did I. It was awkward and didn’t really make sense, but at least there was genuine emotion behind each and every kiss. That’s something that’ll take a long time to_ really, genuinely _get over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:
> 
> 1-I saw DAY6 live, in Boston, on Jae’s birthday. We sang happy birthday to him. Seungmin could never. 
> 
> 2-Follow my insta (if you want, my guy) @/starboy.jh because I need unproblematic Stray Kids stans. You don’t have to be multi, you just have to be respectful. 
> 
> 3-I just read this back and my gOd my writing is awful. Thank you to anyone who genuinely likes this. Honestly. 
> 
> 4-Y’know, hows your week been? I hope it’s been good, you deserve that. 
> 
> 5-Okay, sis, spill that hot tea: what did you hate about this chapter? Love? Like? Dislike? 
> 
> 6-Try and have a good day. Make someone smile if you can, especially if it’s yourself. You deserve that. 💜
> 
> 7-Did I write this just to bring the question: Is peanut butter a condiment to the Internet? Yes.


	11. God Bless You Please, Mrs. Robinson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this chapter when Jopping was released and finished it on Jimin’s birthday. Not sure what that means. ANYWAY, stream Double Knot and Jopping. And, just all the comebacks this month, my GOD there are so many. Being multi sucks. Lol at least this planet has Namjoon. Also, I’ve been sleeping on School Life and Hala Hala by ATEEZ all this time. I am: a disgrace. ALSO, real quick: I was today years old when I realized that GOT7 (my favorite boys) and Hyolyn (my mom) did a song together. And it slaps so hard. 
> 
> Also, I’ve realized I talk a lot of shit for a 156 cm white boy who a.) listens to Circle Room Cypher on the daily, b.) genuinely likes Wakey Wakey, and c.) who knows N/S by heart.

_ May 22nd, 2019: _

 

 _I don’t really want to discuss everything that lead up to Christmas. That would take_ oh so very long, _and I can only write seventeen pages at the max. So, here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to have another time skip, this time to Christmas, as this is when life started it’s rapid decline._

_Leading up to Christmas we worked on the song more and more. However, we slacked off a lot because the talent show wasn’t until early February; don’t ask why they announced it so early in the year, Gimpo’s Public Art School was… odd. We grew closer as friends, Jisung and I did… adult things… and we were oh so helplessly in love with one another. Chan still had his bad nights, I still kept up with my old friends, I had therapy, and you get the gist; it was pretty basic for the most part._

_It sucks that I started to take December for granted, I didn’t savor the real effects of those weeks. But, that’s neither here nor there now, I guess. I don’t talk to any of them anymore, as unfortunate as that is. I’ll get to why later, but for now, Christmas._

_I_

  
  


_ December 25th, 2015: _

was pleading for his mom to come with him. _“Please,_ it’ll be fun, c’mon!”

Mija sighed heavily and looked over her burned holiday cookies. “I don’t know,” she sighed, “I can’t just show up there and not bring anything. It’ll be weird.” 

Han Seoyoon invited the eight of them over for her annual Christmas dinner. Hyunjin’s family would be there, as expected, but no one else would be there, and Minho felt that it was time for his mom to meet his boyfriend’s mother. 

Mija was more than happy to go, except for the fact that she burned the cookies she was going to give to Seoyoon. She was devastated and desperately trying to salvage them. 

“Ahh, I shouldn’t go,” she rubbed her temples, “there’s no point now, I’ve ruined the food,” 

“Mom, _mother,_ Jisung’s mom doesn’t care. She’s literally going around _right now_ to the poor side of Gimpo— _so, like right down the street—_ and is handing out freshly baked cupcakes and cakes. She would be happy to know that you even _tried._ C’mon, ma, _please?”_

Mija laughed for a moment. “Are you saying we live in the poor part of Gimpo?”

Minho rolled his eyes and shook his head. “We _are_ the poor side of Gimpo.”

There was a pregnant silence between the two, Minho didn’t think he said anything wrong, but he noticed the way his mom’s face fell, her smile was suddenly absent. He crossed his arms and gazed around to his cats. 

“I know we are,” she ran a hand through the thick mop of curly black hair. “All right,” she said suddenly, “I’ll come. Who’s picking us up, angel?”

 _“Yes!”_ He cheered. “And, Woojin hyung is coming. He’s driving around to pick everyone up because he’s an angel like that,”

Mija walked over to Minho and kissed his forehead. “And, you’re my angel,”

Heat rushed to his neck, he looked down. “I know, mom, you always say that.”

“Cause it’s _true,”_ she laughed, “you’re my angel.” She pinched his cheek and suddenly all was okay again. 

Later on he texted this friends a happy Christmas and for a moment, everything was content. Christmas wasn’t a huge thing in Korea as it was in other parts of the world, but it was still a time to spend with the people you love. 

The snow came down at an even pace as Minho and Mija waited on the curb for Woojin to come pick them up. Minho had a few gifts for his friends and Hyunjin’s siblings, it wasn’t anything lavish, but it was sentimental. He was going to give his old stuffed animals to Yeri and Sehun, he would give his action figures to Jaemin, he would give Jeongin a necklace; basic things like that. 

A silver van came to a skidding halt in front of their apartment complex. Chan was the first one to jump out and scoop Minho into his arms; they hadn’t seen each other in three days. 

“I missed you!” He shouted and kissed Minho all over, Minho giggled and hugged him back. It was nice to see him happy, refreshing even. 

“I missed you too, loser,” he whispered. 

Chan then ran to hug his mom so tightly he thought she was going to pop. She laughed and patted him on the shoulder, Minho chose to look away when he saw Chan wince, he instead got into the van and was immediately kissed by Jisung. 

His eyes bulged for a moment before he kissed him back gently. In the distance he heard Changbin gagging into his hat. 

“Oh,” Felix groaned, “I’m gonna fucking kill myself,”

“Hey,” Han Seoyoon warned from the driver's seat, “none of that language in this car,” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you wanna see your son face-fucking someone?”

Instead of arguing, Seoyoon rolled her eyes and opened the door for Mija to get in next to her. Woojin pouted and said she kicked him out of the driver’s seat. 

The three single friends sat in the middle all watching Felix play his DS, Changbin wrapped an arm around him. Chan sat on Woojin’s lap, Jeongin sat on Hyunjin’s, and Minho sat on Jisung’s, it was quite cramped, but Minho would try his best to remain calm. 

They made small talk here and there and every block Seoyoon would get out and go deliver various food to people. It was a hassle to stop every ten seconds, but Minho saw the way some people’s faces would light up when they got something and realized that it was worth it. 

Minho was pulled from his thoughts when he felt Jisung’s freezing hands sneak up his sweater. He squeaked and smacked his arm, eliciting a chuckle from the younger. As an apology Jisung kissed his neck and pulled him closer to his chest. Minho yelped and started laughing. 

“I love you,” he heard Jisung whisper. He turned his head and kissed him on the nose. 

To break the mood, Jeongin gagged and leaned forward, he put his head in between Felix and Seungmin. 

“Seungmin hyung?” He whined. 

“Hmm?”

 _“Kill me._ They’re so… _gay.”_

Seungmin laughed and shook his head. “You’re sitting on Hyunjin hyung’s dick right now,” 

The entire car went into an uproar of laughter. Jeongin silently leaned back, his face red. Hyunjin cooed at him and pinched his cheek. 

“Can you believe we’re gonna get married one day?” Hyunjin held Jeongin’s hand and put his chin on his shoulder. 

Jeongin, still red, rolled his eyes. “Did you just ask me to marry you?”

“He asks you this like every two days,” Woojin remarks, “this should be the norm by now.”

“And, not to mention, you always say _yes,”_ Changbin smiled, “because you guys are just the definition of soulmates.”

Jeongin slinked back into Hyunjin’s arms. “Let me make fun of the love of my life in _peace, please,”_ Hyunjin chuckled and hugged him closer. 

While this was going on, Minho’s eyes started to feel heavier. He was excitedly waiting for Christmas to come and hardly got any sleep, he ended up spending most of the night gaming with Yoongi. In the moment it was the most fun thing imaginable, but now his entire body regretted it. 

Jisung seemed to notice this change in energy and shushed him. “Go to sleep, baby, I’ll wake you when we get to my house,”

All Minho could do was nod, he put his head on Jisung’s arm that was resting on the side of the van. The noise started to pick up as Felix lost his game, Jisung kicked his seat. 

“Shush, my favorite person is napping!”

Hyunjin gaped. _“Excuse me,_ I’ve known you since you were _one,_ and we’ve been best friends for now _twelve years,”_

“Yeah,” Seoyoon interjected, “and I’m your _mother,”_

Minho felt Jisung hide his face into his shoulder. “Shh, the baby is sleeping,” 

The conversation didn’t continue, everyone fell into a peaceful silence. Minho couldn’t fall asleep fully, but whatever state he was in relaxed him, even if his neck started to cramp. Every few seconds he felt Jisung kiss his head. 

When the van made its final stop at Jisung’s home, said teenager gingerly helped the groggy Minho out of the van. They all made their way inside and saw Hyunjin’s family already inside helping with the very _large_ Christmas dinner. 

Though he was dating Jisung, Minho still gravitated towards Chan unintentionally as the noise level rose dramatically. He held onto Chan’s sweater as everyone else seemed to get comfortable, Mija, Woojin, Seoyoon, and Jisung all went off to the kitchen; Hyunjin, Jeongin, and Seungmin all found a place to sit, and everyone else went to talk to one of the Hwang family members. 

Chan looked over at him, and with his eyes he asked if Minho was okay. He simply nodded and made his venture inside. 

Everyone welcomed Chan and Minho like they were a natural extension to the family. And, they almost were, whenever Chan could, he would babysit Jaemin, Yeri, and Sehun, and Minho was Jisoo’s only real friend in the special education classes. It was a much different atmosphere than the last time they were all together like this, back in September during the birthday outing. 

While sitting on the couch, he started to drown the others out and reflect. He really _had_ changed since then, back in August his only form of physical social interaction was with Chan. Even back in Daegu he only knew Yoongi, Jimin, Hoseok, Namjoon, and their families. 

Now he was on a dance team, he hand a large group of friends, he somehow knew _more_ people from Daegu, and he had gained over sixty followers on social media just by _knowing_ Hyunjin. He supposed that he had Jeongin to thank the most, he was the one that got the ball rolling. 

Changbin pulled him out of his thoughts by nudging him, his face heated up for a moment as he looked up at Hwang Daejung and Hwang Chaehee. 

“Suh-Suh-Sorry,” he whispered. 

“Don’t be,” Daejung smiled, “we were just wondering how the talent show rehearsals are going? We hear from Hyunjin-ah that you’re an _incredible_ dancer.”

Minho blushed and thanked them. “It’s guh-going well, thank you for asking,” he looked down. “I like dancing a lot.” 

“Oh,” Chaehee clapped, “that’s so wonderful. Are you gonna make a career out of it?”

Minho nodded, before he could say anything Jisung spike up for him. “Hell yeah he is! He’s gonna be the best dancer, he’s gonna go to Seoul University and major in dance, and be a backup dancer for a group as big as _Super Junior!_ Not _exactly_ in that order, but you get the gist. He’s the best dancer in the _whole_ school, even Jongin feels threatened by him, even _Momo_ feels threatened—!”

“—Jisung,” Felix put a hand on his knee, “take a _breath. Breathe.”_

Jisung’s face flushed as he apologized. For a moment there was tension in the air before Hwang Sana came over and defended her girlfriend.

There were a lot of people around Minho and it got to him as it normally did. His heart started to race and he quickly glanced at Chan, the elder seemed to get his worry and he nodded. 

“Minho-ah, can you grab me a soda from the kitchen?”

Minho stood up so fast he almost got whiplash. “Of course, hyung,” he bowed slightly. “I’ll be right back.” 

He had a chance to escape for a moment as he navigated his way through the mansion-like house that Jisung lived in. For two people Minho imagined it got quite lonely here, it was no wonder why the Hwang family were over so often. 

As he got closer to the kitchen he heard Mija and Seoyoon talking, he froze by the doorway and listened to what they were saying, not wanting to interrupt them.  

“Yeah,” Seoyoon whispered, “my late husband, Beomhyun, was a good man, as I’ve already said,” she chuckled dryly and peeked into the oven.  

“Were he and Jisung close?”

Seoyoon nodded vehemently. “Oh, yeah, my God they were best friends. They did everything together, I swear. He took Hyunjin and Jisung took the park every other day it seemed, that’s where they met little Jeongin-ah at the time. Jisung made a lot of friends back then,” she sighed. “I wish I was there for a lot of it.”

Minho saw his mom shoot Seoyoon a look. “I don’t wanna pry or anything,” she prefaced, “but did… something happen?”

He saw Seoyoon’s shoulders fall, she froze for a minute. “Well,” she sighed, “I wasn’t the best mom for awhile, you know? I had some bad times, both myself and Chaehee, Hyunjin’s mom, waded through deep waters for the better half of Jisungie’s and Hyunjin’s siblings lives,” she put some distance between her and Mija, “it was bad. But,” she clapped, “I’m proud to say that I’ve been sober for seven years,” she turned and Minho saw her smile. It was bright and beautiful like Jisung’s. 

Mija smiled and nodded. “That’s amazing! I have my own struggles with Minhoie, my girlfriend had him when I was barely seventeen, left five years later,” Minho felt his body contract at the mention of his biological mother. “But,” she chuckled, “he’s my little angel. He makes everything worth it, I’m glad he’s been good company for you,”

“Oh, don’t even get me _started._ He’s just the best, and not to mention _the cutest.”_ The two women laughed. “He’s lovely to have over. He makes Sungie so happy, he makes _everyone_ happy. Sometimes Woojin and Channie will stop by on their dates to say hi and the way their faces _light up_ whenever I mention your son’s name is incredible. All the struggles you go through really are worth it for your kids.”

Mija nodded. “Amen to that.”

“After Beomhyun passed I really had to clean up my act and be a better mother; Chaehee and I had to get our shit together. I’m happy she’s found Daejung and they had the twins and Sehun together,” Minho could tell she was smiling. 

“You ever think about getting out there again?”

Seoyoon shook her head. “No, not in a million years, Beomhyun was my soulmate— _is_ my soulmate. Hell, if anything happens to me, his half-sister Sarah will take Jisungie in.”

There was a pause, and just when Minho was about to move and get Chan’s soda, his mom spoke again. “What happened to him, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Another pause swallowed the room before Seoyoon cleared her throat. “Well, he went out a hero,” she said simply. Minho saw her wipe her face briefly. “There was uh—there was a building out in Busan, he was going out there for a weekend trip with his other doctor friends,” she chuckled, but it was bitter. “They were out late and there was some crazy fire in a building they were passing and he _ran_ in there and saved a little girl. I heard about it that same hour, Sungie was so little then that I didn’t know how to tell him that his daddy was… was _crushed_ under a beam and killed instantly. He got the girl out though,” Minho heard her sniffle. “My gosh, I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a happy day,” 

Mija went to give her a hug but stopped once she made eye contact with Minho, blood shot to his face. “Angel,” she spoke in a tone Minho couldn’t quite read. “You shouldn’t eavesdrop, that’s not polite.”

Minho bowed. “I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry Han Seoyoon, I—I juh-just wanted something to drink— _or, well, Chan did._ I didn’t want to interrupt,” 

He heard Seoyoon sniffle a few times before he saw her breaking out into a grin. “Oh, it’s all right, hon. No harm no foul, you know where the drinks are.”

He got the drink and went away without another word. When he handed it to Chan and took his seat back, his mind was swirling too much to even notice Jisung’s arm around his shoulder. Though he wasn’t there for it, it was like he could see Jisung’s dad _dying_ in that fire. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t picture Han Seoyoon or Hwang Chaehee as anything _but_ the loving mothers they were right now. 

The minutes seemed to drag by for hours at a time until dinner was served. It was fine overall, everyone made casual conversation with one another (though Minho avoided Seoyoon’s line of sight for most of it), and had an overall pleasant time. Then gift giving happened and everyone got everyone something sweet. 

The fire warmed the house up as everyone slowly started to feel the Christmas joy sweep in them. Jisung has his arm casually looped around Minho and Seungmin as they swayed from side to side to an English Christmas song they didn’t know the words to. 

Then, like some sadistic queue was given, Han Seoyoon started breathing heavier and she started to grip onto her arm. Everyone jolted up and watched as she stood up, just to immediately lean onto the wall closest to her, sweat bleeding from her forehead. Jisung was the first to run towards her, he hesitated several times on touching her or not. 

Jisoo had yelped at the sudden commotion and covered her ears that were already under her headphones. Daejung immediately walked her out of the house like he was supposed to. 

 _“Mom! What’s wrong?!”_ Jisung yelled, and his voice sounded so strained like he hadn’t had anything to drink in years. 

Seoyoon, who was now being held up by the arms by Mija and Woojin, whimpered and shook her head. “I—I don’t know, sweetie,” she whined like she got stabbed, “Please. _Ambulance,”_

Without another second passing, Chaehee had her phone out and was on the phone with a dispatcher. Her voice was firm, but Minho saw her hands shaking. 

“Okay… _everyone give her space,”_ Chaehee physically moved everyone except for Woojin and Mija. Jisung was the only one to put up a fight, he pushed her away, tears were already spilling down his cheeks. 

 _“That’s my mom!”_ His scream could be heard from here all the way to Daegu. His cheeks were bright red, and his hair was matted to his forehead with sweat. 

Minho looked to Hyunjin, he figured if anyone would help him, it would be him. But Hyunjin was frozen, his jaw slightly hanging open, even Jeongin’s presence next to him made no impact on him. 

Without his brain doing anything, Minho’s body moved forward and grabbed Jisung to pull him back. His boyfriend cried harder as he watched his mom breathe heavily. 

“Jisung, _breathe,”_ Minho turned him around and pulled him into a hug, he felt like this was genuinely the only helpful thing he could do. 

Jisung sobbed onto his shoulder and gripped his shirt so hard he felt like it would tear at the seams. Minho didn’t know where else to look except for at Chan. He was already looking at him, he mouthed to stay calm. 

The rest of his friends and Hwang family kept away from her until the paramedics pounded on the door. Chaehee ran to the door and explained everything to them. 

They asked Seoyoon a few questions, but everything seemed to go by in a blur, as the next thing Minho was aware of, was Seoyoon getting hoisted into a stretcher. Jisung left his embrace and walked with the stretcher, Hyunjin followed him. 

His mother gently reached for his arm, but Hyunjin snapped at her. “He is my _brother._ I’m going with him.” 

He didn’t say goodbye. 

Chaehee cleared her throat and told her children to go home immediately, their dad would be waiting for them. She told Minho and his friends that she would drive up there as soon as she can. Mija went with her. 

When she left Woojin was already getting his keys to bring everyone up there. No one protested. 

Woojin and Chan sat up front, Changbin and Minho in the middle, and the rest in the back. For the first thirty seconds it was quiet, and then Jeongin started crying. _Wailing._ Out of everyone in the car, Jeongin knew Seoyoon the most. 

 _She could die,_ Minho thought briefly, _oh my god, she could die._

Seungmin took Jeongin into his arms and shushed him, and Felix rubbed his back. Minho looked ahead and saw Woojin and Chan holding hands, he suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of loneliness inside of him. Then Changbin took his hand. 

No one said anything until they arrived at the hospital. 

 

_ May 22nd, 2019: _

_The hospital was a kind of pristine white I’ve never quite seen before. The overhead lights didn’t blink in and out of focus, they stayed on without a hitch, and they buzzed lightly._

_I’d always hated going to hospitals, even when I was a little kid. They always unnerved me, I only ever went if I genuinely broke a bone._

_Before Han Seoyoon had her heart attack, I had only gone to Gimop’s hospital twice. Both times were because Chan “fell.”_

_When we got there we saw Jisung_

 

_ December, 25th, 2015: _

crying into Hyunjin’s shoulder. He didn’t even look up when the group of teens came into the waiting room. Chaehee and Mija were already there and she told them (moreso Woojin) what happened. 

Han Seoyoon had a heart attack. She was currently in intensive care. 

The eleven of them all sat in silence for most of the time. There weren’t enough seats for everyone, so some sat on the hard, white floor. Other people looked at them strangely, but Minho didn’t have the heart to care. 

He hugged his legs to his chest and looked at the clock. His mom placed her hand on his shoulder, but it felt too cold. 

To pass the time he went on Instagram and the first thing he saw was Yoongi’s post. It was of him, their friend group, and their two new friends. They were all smiling around a fireplace. 

With shaky hands he put away his phone and leaned on his mother’s shoulder. 

Three hours passed and Chan was the first one to say he had to leave. He stood up slowly and looked around before saying anything. 

“I have to get going,” 

Minho’s face morphed into confusion. Then he remembered. _Right, he gets abused at home,_ he thought. He felt bad for even _thinking_ this, but the fact that Chan got hit at home didn’t seem foreign to him anymore. He just had to watch Chan suffer, and Minho had to harbor his secret like the plague. 

“I’ll drive,” Woojin stood up. “It’s too cold to walk. Anyone else need a ride?” 

Everyone stood up except for Minho, Hyunjin, and Jisung. 

“Sweetheart, you can't stay here,” Chaehee whispered. Hyunjin clung to Jisung, and Minho took his hand. 

“Babe,” Jeongin walked over to him and held out his hand, “please come home? We can come back tomorrow, I promise.”

Before Hyunjin stood up, he looked to to Jisung. The two exchanged looks that Minho couldn’t quite understand. 

“Angel,” Mija knelt down to his level, “Do you wanna stay?” 

Minho didn’t need to look before he nodded and squeezed Jisung’s hand tighter. “Please.”

They left the two boys to be with their thoughts. The only company they had was the late-night staff and a handful of other people. They were given two cheaply made blankets and pillows, but neither complained. 

It boarded three in the morning before Jisung really spoke to Minho. His voice came out of nowhere and startled Minho from his almost-asleep state. 

“Do you think she’ll make it?”

How was he supposed to answer that? He had no medical knowledge, he didn’t know what kind of heart attack she had, _he didn’t know._ He feared that every night Chan would get his head bashed in, he couldn’t sleep some nights because he doesn’t think his mom was safe, and he was positive he’d die every time he had a panic attack. 

“I don’t know,” he didn’t think there was anything else valid to say. He hated lying, he did it enough to himself already. 

Jisung starts to ball again, but this time it was harder than before. Minho didn’t know if he should hold him or not, so all he did was watch. Snot fell from Jisung’s nose, his eyes went red, and he started to pull at his hair. His sobs filled the room, and a nurse name Jinsoul quietly handed him tissues. 

“I—I can’t… I can’t lose her, Minho,” he hiccuped. “She’s my _mother,”_

“I know,” Minho knew he wasn’t doing enough, but his body was almost frozen with anxiety, and no words could properly untangle themselves from his throat. 

Jisung vigorously wiped the tears from his cheeks. “She wasn’t the best mom,” he shook his head, but still didn’t look at Minho. “She had problems. _Bad_ problems. She hurt me badly _,_ both her and Hyunjin’s mother were never there for us, they were off getting drunk and doing every drug other the sun,” another sea of sobs came out. “But, she got _better._ Her and Chaehee learned from their mistakes, and now they’re _amazing._ She loves me, she loves me so much, and she tells me every day that I’m the reason she gets up in the morning, that _I_ make it all worth it,” he looked to Minho, and Minho saw something break in Jisung. “I love her,” he clung to Minho. 

Minho hugged back and gripped his sweater and hushed him. In the back of his mind he thought: _Maybe that’s why kids love their abusive parent(s)? Maybe they’re waiting for them to change? I guess sometimes they do. Maybe that’s what Chan’s waiting for?_

But, he couldn’t dwell on that for too long, instead he focused on rubbing circles onto his boyfriend’s back and kissing his head. 

“Don’t leave me,” Jisung squeezed him. “You _can’t,_ you and our friends are the only people I may have left,” he whimpered, “I love you, I love you, _I love you,”_

Minho kissed him on the head again. “I luh-love you too.”

When Jisung pulled back, he kissed him harshly. It was like Jisung was trying to cement something with that kiss, Minho didn’t know what, but he let him because he didn’t know how to stop him. 

Minho shook his head. “I won’t leave.” 

_But, if she dies, you’ll move to America. Felix is already moving back to Australia come July, is this how our friend group ends—_

He was pulled from his spiral when he heard Jisung whisper _“Good,”_

“You’ll be okay,” he remembered his mom telling him that whenever he had a panic attack in middle school. She would pick him up from the office where him, Namjoon, Hoseok, Jimin, and Yoongi would all be (because they never left each other’s side) and tell him _“I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’ll be okay.”_

Jisung did exactly what Minho did when Mija told him that, he nodded. Then he kissed him again, and this time it was warm and gentle. 

When he pulled back, Jisung put his hand on Minho’s cheek. “Can I… can I tell you about my dad?”

Minho nodded. He watched him pull out his phone and open a folder labeled _‘Hero’_ and click on the first picture. It was of him in the hospital, his dad stood next to his extremely skinny mom. Han Seoyoon didn’t look like herself, her hair was thinning, her bones were showing, and her eyes were almost sunken in. 

“He was the best man, and he loved my mom and I with his whole heart.” He flipped to the next page of a photo of a Polaroid of his dad, Jisung, and Hyunjin. 

He then showed Minho a video of his sixth birthday, this was three weeks before his dad died. He blew out the candles, and just off screen you could see Hyunjin holding a huge present with **한지성** poorly written on it. Mina, Jeongin, Taehyung, and Jeongguk could all be heard screaming in the background. 

The pictures went on and on, he showed him pictures of his parents’ wedding, of his dad and Hyunjin making DIY projects, of his dad playing tag with him and Jeongin. There was even a six second video of Hyunjin making a valentine for Jeongin with his dad. 

This lead into Minho pulling out his phone and sharing his folder labeled _‘Daegu Boys’_ and sharing everything he had with Jisung. In the back of his mind he knew Jisung just wanted a distraction, and Minho was happy to help his boyfriend. 

He showed him the five of them poorly rapping together when they were no older than fifteen. He then showed Jisung a video of Chan drunkenly laughing with Namjoon and Yoongi about something he can’t remember. Minho tried not to remember that that was the night Chan broke one of his ribs because his mother pushed him down the stairs _(“I just tripped over Berry, God that dog is a piece of work,”)_. 

Jisung then flipped to a video of the dance room at school. The camera was shaky and Minho could faintly make out himself out. He was wearing all black, his hair was loosely tied up and he was dancing next to Jongin. An English song was blaring in the background and the two jumped to every beat. 

 

_ December 3rd, 2015: _

Jisung turned his phone to zoom in on Hyunjin, who was currently sweating bullets. His face was red, he was slouched over, but somehow Jisung was able to capture the fond love in Jeongin’s eyes. 

“What’s it like?” Jisung nudged Hyunjin. “What’s it like to see Minho hyung be a better dancer than you?”

He saw Hyunjin smirk and hold up the middle finger. He was wearing a silver ring with a skull on it that Shownu gave to him when they were kids. 

Everyone in their friend group laughed for a moment. The camera picked up Woojin commenting on how lucky they were to have Minho join their band, he said they’d win the prize money for sure. 

Jisung zoomed his phone onto Chan and Changbin, both of whom were intently watching the dancers. Chan has his arm loosely dangling from Changbin’s shoulders. 

“What do you think of his dancing, Channie hyung?” 

Startled, Chan looked to Jisung, his face then morphed into that of a smile. He gave a thumbs up and said that Minho was doing a great job, as always. 

“You ready to go to my place and beat him at Wii tennis?” 

Chan smiled, his cheeks pink. “Duh. I always beat him, me or Felix-ah, it’s the Australian in us,” he laughed. 

Jisung then zoomed the camera closer on Chan. “Hyung?” He focuses the camera on a bruise creeping onto Chan’s collarbones, his baggy white shirt that almost hung off his shoulders prominently showed that. “How’d you get that bruise?”

Chan’s face tinted a darker color. “Oh— I was babysitting Hyunjin’s siblings, Jaemin and Yeri, and they got a little violent,” he chuckled. 

Jisung

 

_ December 26th, 2015: _

had tears welling in his eyes. Minho watched his boyfriend shut his phone off and slide it into his pocket. 

“It’s stupid,” he sniffled, “but I wanna go back to times like that and just _freeze_ it. We were all happy, maybe everything in our lives weren’t _perfect,_ but at least we were happy in the moment. I don’t wanna lose you guys, you know?”

Minho bit his lip and nodded. “I do,” he sighed. “Losing friends is _horrible._ When you spend tuh-time with your current friends, you’re always worrying about the future and what’ll change.”

“How did you get over it?” Jisung asked, combing a hand through his hair. “How did you go over moving away from your childhood friends?” 

Minho shrugged and hugged his knees against his chest. “I guess the same way I got over my biological mom leaving me; I just had to wuh-wuh-wake up every day.”

Jisung copied his position. “I don’t wanna lose anybody anymore,” he sniffled, “I almost lost Hyunjin a few years back when life got _really_ bad for him,” 

“He… he wanted to…?”

“Yeah. When you grow up with a distant mother, no matter how well she is _now,_ and you, your sister, and your brother have to take care of your autistic sister alone, it can get pretty overwhelming. He’s better now, but everyone on our friend group has gone through _shit._ I don’t know too much about Chan, but I can see he’s lost something big in his life.” 

Minho shrunk back in his seat. He felt Jisung gaze burn him, he wanted to run away for a moment, but then he remembered why he was here, and _who_ he was here for. 

“Baby?” Jisung whispered. “Does… does Chan hyung have a good home life?”

The question hit Minho like a sledgehammer to his skull. He wanted to turn to Jisung and tell him how bad Chan has it, how Chan comes to his room three days out of seven, how Chan gets abused. But, he couldn’t. His mom just had a heart attack, Jisung doesn’t need to hear that. This is a secret Minho had to carry on his own, he couldn’t tell anyone about it. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “He’s okay at home, sometimes him and his parents argue, but don’t all teens and parents fight?”

He saw Jisung purse his lips. There was a pregnant silence between them before Jisung shrugged. “I guess, I just get worried for him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to our friend group, I want all of you to be at Hyunjin and Jeongin’s wedding,” he chuckled.  

_Lighten the mood. You have to, you have to get him to smile._

“What… what abo-ouh-about our wedding?”

For the first time since they’ve been here, the eye contact was held for longer than two seconds, and it wasn’t filled with horrible sadness. Jisung actually smiled. 

“Are you proposing to me?” He laughed and wiped a stray tear that was left hanging from his eyes. 

Minho the inside of his cheek and rolled his eyes. He was about to retract his statement before he felt Jisung hold his hand. “I accept, I accept now, and I’ll accept one thousand times over again.” 

Jisung kissed his cheek, his lips were cracked and wet with tears, but Minho’s body was flooded with relief. Maybe he finally did something right tonight? 

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Jisung asked, already pulling up Netflix and setting it on the table in the waiting room. He leaned against Minho over the hard plastic arm rests of the chair, bundled up in his thin hospital blanket. 

Half way into the movie, Minho finally got the courage to break the silence. “Maybe we’re supposed to lose people,” he swallowed thickly. “Maybe we’re supposed to lose people in our high school years, thauh-that way when we’re adults, we can handle it better? Maybe we’re supposed to lose the people we love most in this world to remind us how special they were to begin with…” 

When Jisung didn’t respond, Minho looked down and noticed he was already asleep.   
  


_ May 22nd, 2019: _

_I’m not too sure why Jisung sleeping on my shoulder that night was the only thing keeping me from having a panic attack. Maybe he grounded me, maybe it was because I didn’t want to wake him, or maybe it was just coincidental. Whatever it was, I stayed up for hours just stroking his hair and whispering things I can’t remember now._

_In my heart I knew his mom was dying, I don’t know how I knew it, but I did. So I just kept myself in the moment by focusing on the way the emergency lights and his phone were the only thing lighting up the waiting room, and how his hair smelled like strawberries. I noticed the little things about Jisung that night because I was so scared he would leave my life and I would forget the specific brown of his eyes._

_I don’t remember sleeping that night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY TIME: So, my best friend bought me Lucas’s version of the Super M album (because I love my giant dumbass), and as I was getting it, this worker walks up to us. He was listening to her and I talk about how they only had Ten’s, Lucas’s, and Taemin’s album. The worker comes up to us and starts counting on his fingers. And, so, I rightfully look at him questioningly. 
> 
> He goes: “Isn’t Kai in that group?” 
> 
> My best friend goes: “Yeah! But his album just isn’t here...” 
> 
> He goes: “Oh... well, we just got these today, so hopefully him and Taeyong’s will be there.”
> 
> Long story short: I met a Spermie (that’s what we call ourselves, right?) at Target.  
> Oh, also, that same day Lucas, Mark, Taeyong (and I think Ten?) got an Insta and when I say I lost my shit. Oh my god. I lost my shit. 
> 
> Ahem. 
> 
> Anyway, so yeah Jisung’s mom had a heart attack. Guess you can say he was on the naughty list for Christmas. No? Not funny? Okay... 
> 
> Spill that hot tea sis: what did you hate about this chapter? What did you love (for me I loved the emotional pain I put my K-Pop boys through), like, or dislike?
> 
> And you have a WONDERFUL day. Chan would want that. Make someone smile, especially if it’s yourself 💜. You deserve to smile.


	12. Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: writes super sad scene about abuse. 
> 
> My headphones: Love Cherry Motion 
> 
> It’s funny that Woojin and Wonho think them leaving their groups is gonna get them out of marrying me. 
> 
> Also mbbs b-bought a star for Wonho? About time. 
> 
> In all seriousness, I miss them greatly. Like, I genuinely cried when I heard they left.
> 
> But, I’m better now. 
> 
> And if you guys need a hug, I’m here. Always. For any reason. I’m talking like if you’re like “hey what’s your Twitter I had a bad day at school and need to vent.”
> 
> I’ll be like “BET okay here it is.” 
> 
> We all need a friend.

_ May 22nd, 2019: _

_Watching someone dying is horrible. It’s the type of pain that constantly takes from you, even when all you have is nothing. They could be dying in a hospital, or you could just watch them wither away in your day to day life, it doesn’t matter._

_Watching Jisung’s mom die hurt in ways I don’t think I can ever be hurt again._

_For the first week or so, she was actually getting better. So much so that she was going to get discharged, however when they were filling out the paperwork she had horrific troubles breathing. She was hyperventilating but somehow getting no air inside of her._

_They had to put her under. She was essentially in a self induced coma (forgive me, I don’t know the correct terminology). She couldn’t hear us or react, she was just laying pliant._

_Jisung went to the hospital every single day with Hyunjin. Even Jisoo started picking up on Hyunjin’s absence, she even asked once if he hated her. I wanted to go as well, but sometimes my mental energy was drained so much that all I could do was talk to one of my old friends. I found it easier in those times to vent to someone who couldn’t see me in person when I couldn’t see Jeongyeon._

_The nine of us didn’t really hang out outside of school while this was going on. But no one complained. Strangely enough, during that time I got closer with Changbin, Felix, Seungmin, and Woojin. We were already close, but it was the shallow type of close; they were my best friends, I just didn’t know much about their home lives._

_Like, I didn’t know that Felix had a little sister named Rachel back in Australia who lived with their mom. I didn’t know that it was just Felix and his dad here in Korea until July. I didn’t know that Woojin’s parents went on business trips all the time. Little things like that._

_I guess there’s always a silver lining, I suppose._

_I don’t know why I wanna talk about this day, but I still have a good amount of pages to write, so I guess I’ll splurge on a fun-ish night we had. Or at least tried to._

_I_  


_ January 2nd, 2016: _

held Jisung in his arms and rocked him back and forth. Minho whispered words of comfort that he didn’t believe himself, _‘She’ll be okay,’ ‘She’ll come out of this.’_

“I just wanna hear her voice again,” Jisung wiped his eyes. They were at the entrance to the hospital, everyone waited in the lobby for them. It was the first time in a while that they were all together, it was strange. Minho didn’t quite know why, it just was. 

“I know you do, Jisungie.” He’s stopped calling him Sungie long ago.  

“She’ll never wake up,” Jisung said, defeated. His eyes were puffy. 

“You don’t _know_ that. Not for sure.”

Jisung rubbed his eyes. “I don’t care if I _know it,_ it still feels real, even if it’s not.” His words came out harsh, but all Minho did in response was rub his arm. 

“I’m sorry, Jisung—”

Jisung kissed him. His lips were hard, his movements were sharp, and Minho felt like he was kissing a statue. 

When Jisung pulled back, he didn’t look embarrassed like he normally did. His eyes were firm, _cold_ even. His bottom lip trembled, and so did Minho’s heart. 

“Let’s go out,” Jisung whispered. “All nine of us. _Please.”_

“Tonight?” Minho looked around, he knew that Chan and his parents got into a fight last night. He also knew that Chan was limping most of school today. _But, his limp got better. He should be okay, right?_

“Yes. _Please,_ we can even spend the night at Hyunjin’s,” he sounded so _tired,_ “please.” 

Minho’s neck ran hot, he felt his knees begin to shake. “I—I don’t know? I mean, we can ask.”

Jisung didn’t need need to hear another word, he turned and took off, practically _running_ to the lobby. Minho kept a steady pace behind him, unconsciously biting his bottom lip. 

 _It hasn’t been the nine of us in awhile,_ he thought. He didn’t want to recognize that there was a small part of him, so small it’d go unnoticed if anyone was talking to him, that told him they wouldn’t be nine forever—that it _can’t_ be nine forever. 

When he got into the lobby, Jisung was already standing in the middle, making a show for the passerby. His cheeks were bright red, and he used a lot of hand motions when he spoke. 

“Do you guys wanna? _Please?”_

“I—I mean _sure,_ but what would we do?” Seungmin asked. 

Jisung shrugged, but he didn’t do it haphazardly, it was like the shrug you gave when your parent accused you of doing something you knew you did. “Bowling? Just talking, hanging out? We can even practice for the talent show. We’re pretty close to perfecting everything as it is. I mean, I don’t _know_ what you guys wanna do, and I don’t care.”

Woojin ran a hand through his hair. He sighed, “Sure. I brought the family van, good on me I guess,” he laughed, but no one else joined in. 

Even Minho, as confused as he was when reading people, felt like he was walking on eggshells. Actually, no, he felt like he was walking on top of a fresh painting that someone close to him worked on. 

 _It would be a blue painting,_ he thought briefly. 

Lost in thought, he didn’t realize that everyone has already agreed to go out, including himself. 

“What about you, hyung?” Felix nodded to Chan. “Do you wanna come with us?” 

 _‘Will you be okay to come out with us?’_ Minho asked without saying anything. 

Chan pursed his lips. _‘Maybe.’_

“I’ll—I’ll—um, I’ll call my mom and see what she says, okay?” Chan stood up, not waiting for anyone to reply. He skidded past Minho and darted down the hall to the bathroom. 

Minho didn’t even have a moment to process anything before Changbin spoke up. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin was quick to add, “is he? He always does this whenever we wanna hang out. Are his parents strict or something?”

 _Abusive,_ Minho thought. _Abusive, cruel, sadistic, horrible. The list goes on. But you shouldn’t have to bear that burden, especially if he’s not going to get help._

“He just wants to ask permission to go out.” Minho tried to sound as casual as he could. “Nothing important, honest,” he left the sentence hanging there. Honestly speaking, he wanted to tell somebody so _badly. Anyone._ If someone just pressed him a little more, he knew he’d crack and tell everything. 

_But they don’t want to push. They all have to know the truth, but the truth means we may lose Chan. And, we’re already losing Jisung’s mom. Just push it under the rug because excuses help calm the current state of anxiety._

“Can you at least go with him?” Hyunjin practically pleaded. “He may get lost, you never know.” 

No one brought up the fact that Chan (and, subsequently, everyone) knew their way around the hospital by now. 

Still, Minho walked to the brown bathroom door and raised his hand to knock. It was then that he heard the argument going on inside. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help it when it came to family. 

He heard a strained conversation from inside. 

“Please, mom, I’ll come home tomorrow, I promise.”

 _“No._ Absolutely not, Christopher. You’ve been doing nothing but hanging out with _them_ all week. You haven’t been home!”

Minho flinched at her words. He felt his body got hot, he wanted to run in there and hang up, but of course he didn’t. 

 _“Mom,”_ Chan’s voice was strained, he sounded like he was on the verge of yelling. “I didn’t go out Tuesday through Friday. It was just school and home.”

“Are you seriously talking back to me right now, Christopher? Are you in _any_ position to be correcting me? You couldn’t even pass you math classes, you _idiot.”_

“I—” Chan sounded like he was holding back tears. Minho heard him whimper. “I needed help on the homework,” He sniffled, “and dad wasn’t home.”

 _“Are you crying right now?!_ What the fuck is wrong with you?! And, now you’re blaming your father? What gives you the right to act this way? If I really didn’t love you, I’d never let you go out to begin with. Isn’t that right?”

The sound that broke out of Chan stung Minho to the core. Chan sobbed louded and the rippling sound came out from the bathroom like he punched a wall. 

_“Answer me.”_

“Yes, mom, I’m sorry,” he sobbed harder. “I’ll do better.”

Minho heard her tisk on the other side. “You’re so fucking lucky I don’t throw that dumb dog out into the street. God, what did I ever do to deserve this disrespect from you?”

There was a pause and Minho thought that Chan was trying to stop his sobs. “Nuh—Nothing mom. I’m sorry.”

“It’s like when you cried to Minho’s whore of a mother saying that I broke your ribs. Little does she know that you were the one who came after me.”

Minho felt his blood run cold. Never has he wanted to ring someone’s neck more than right now. He stopped himself from cursing. 

“I was trying to leave, mo—”

_“—and again with that smart mouth of yours!”_

“I’m sorry, mom.” 

Minho imagined Chan’s eyes were bright red now. 

“You’re gonna be. You eat the food I make, fight with your father every day, and you don’t even have a job.”

“You said I’m not allowed to get a job!”

 _“Don’t you_ dare _raise your voice at me!_ If your father were home right now, he’d set you straight.”

“What? Like he did last night?”

“You were taking too long in the bathroom, Christopher,” she hissed. 

“Mom,” he whimpered, “he came in and backed me up against the wall and—mom, he choked me. He—Dad said he didn’t whu-want me.” 

“Yeah,” Minho heard her scoff, “and, maybe he was right to say that. When was the last time you told us that you loved us?”

There was a pregnant silence. Minho felt tears begin to well in his eyes, and it was then that he remembered every fight he’d ever had with his mom; he wanted to run home and apologize for every last one. 

“Do you even love me, mom?”

“You ungrateful _shit._ I’ve given you everything you whole life, of course I love you, you absolute _bastard.”_

“Hyung?”

Minho jumped and spun around. Five feet from him stood Seungmin, his face was red with anxiety, his hands were shaking. 

“Yuh-Yes?”

Seungmin swallowed. “People need the bathroom.” 

It was then that Minho looked around and saw several people deliberately not making eye contact with him. They all stood pensive. _They all heard what was happening, and no one stopped it._

_No one can help me except for him._

Minho nodded. “Yeah,” he breathed, “yeah, I’ll have him hurry up.”

He was just about to turn the handle, blindly hoping it was unlocked, when Seungmin ran forward and grabbed his wrist. 

 _“Hyung,”_ he said desperately, his voice broke. “Is Channie hyung okay?” He sounded on the verge of tears. Aside from Seoyoon going to the hospital, Minho had never seen Seungmin so _concerned._

 _He can’t know,_ Minho thought bitterly, _if I, his best friend, can’t help him then no one can._

So, Minho nodded, he had to force himself to smile, it physically pained him to do so. “Yeah, he’s just going through a tough time.” He turned the knob and thanked God that it opened. 

He walked in and saw Chan laying down, knees bundled up to his chest, his mom still yelled at him from the phone. 

“Who just came in?” She asked. 

Chan looked up, but his face didn’t change once he saw Minho. “It’s Minho-ah, mom,”

“Oh, wonderful!” Her tone shifted completely. “Hi, sweetie! Channie can sleep over, but he can’t come out any other day next week, he’ll be busy, busy, busy!”

Minho stormed over and snatched the phone, his heart pounded in his body. “Okay, Mrs. Bang, that’s fine.”

“How’s your mom been, sweetie?”

“Fine,” he gritted. _Why don’t you ask how Jisung’s mom is? Why do you like me so much?_

“Okay, I’ll let you go now, bye-bye!”

He hung up before she did. 

The air was cold around them. Minho towered over Chan, who was still shaking. He wanted to yell at him, _scream at him,_ tell him what to do and how to do it. He wanted to help him. He wanted to hold him and never let go, he just wanted him to be okay. 

But, a sick part of him wished he never moved here. He felt dirty for thinking that. 

Chan looked up at him, and then immediately recoiled, another sob escaped him. 

All bad thoughts Minho had went away, _I just want him to live the best life he can._ He knelt down. 

“It’s just me, Channie, it’s just me,” he shushed him. 

Chan leaped forward and hugged him, he squeezed him to tight he felt like he’d burst. “It’s like—it’s like…” he cried again. “It’s like even when I’m not home, I’m still _there._ Eeh-Ehhve-Every _hallway_ it seems like they’re gonna _be there._ Please don’t be mad.”

It was then that Minho hugged him back. “Never, hyung. I love you,” saying that he loved Chan came out easier than saying he loved Jisung or his mom. “You’ve never done anything wrong.” 

_You can eat every school lunch I have, you can stay with me every night if you just get it through your head that you’ve done nothing wrong. Ever._

Chan pulled back, the cut on his nose strikingly visible. His hair has started thinning a little, he recently went back to blonde, it looked good on him. He always looked good. Minho couldn’t wrap his head around the mere thought of someone hurting Chan. 

“I love you too.” 

“We’re gonna graduate and be roommates together in Seoul, right?” Minho whispered.

“Yeah,” Chan shuddered. “And, your Daegu boys can come visit whenever they want. We’ll all be together, right?”

 _No,_ Minho thought instantly, _never. There’s no way we’ll all be friends in two or so years time. That’s not how it works._

“Do you wanna try and have a fun night? We’ll—We’ll all be tuh-tuhget-together tonight.”

Chan nodded. “Okay.” 

The next minute was spent cleaning up Chan and wiping away any stray tears. When they left no one looked at the two of them, it was as if they were never there to begin with. 

 _Maybe,_ Minho started to think, _maybe teenagers have friends to help distract them from whatever is bad in their life? Maybe that’s all friends are really supposed to do?_

 As they walked back to their friends, Minho’s mind started to drift back to one of the only times he went over to Chan’s house. Their house was big and old, almost the counter to Jisung’s house (minus the largeness); Chan’s house was all brown and chipped, mice ate at everything. They almost never had the internet, Chan just stole the WiFi password from their neighbors. 

He remembered Chan showing him his bright blue diary that he kept hidden between the crevasse of his bed and the wall. He sighed it only one time, it was in bright pink ink, he sighed _Lee Know was here_ and a cute heart after it. 

The rest of that night is foggy, but Minho remembered that was the last night he ever went over; Chan’s father had gotten wasted and kicked the dog.  

That was also the last time Chan let Berry out of his room when he was home. 

“Are you okay?” Minho looked up and saw Woojin run over to them and hold Chan’s face. “Have you been crying, babe?”

Chan laughed and shook his head. “Nah, I’m a big boy. I just had to flush my eyes out after getting something in them.”

Minho saw that everyone accepted that answer, everyone except Seungmin, he kept his head down. 

“So… bowling?” Jeongin asked, a spark of joy in his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Changbin nodded, “it hasn’t been the nine of us in a while. It’ll be fun.”

-

As surprising as it was, it was actually fun. Woojin still didn’t play, and the teams were Felix, Minho, Hyunjin, and Chan; the other team was losing horribly. 

Jisung wheezed as he leaned onto Jeongin. “Then… then Hyunjin’s mom comes in, all fucking surprised and screams _‘ARE YOU TWO DATING?!’”_ Everyone started cracking up, and even Felix, the-master-of-bowling, fucked up his turn because he was holding his stomach. 

Hyunjin wiped his eyes from any tears. “Well, you know it didn’t help that _that_ was the same day Mina came over and dared us to kiss. Mina, Jeongguk, his sister Chaeyoung, Seungmin, and Jeongin were all there. God, we were what, like _eight?”_ He looked to Jisung, eyes wide. 

He nodded rapidly. “Oh, you guys should’ve _been there._ Then, one day when Changbin hyung came over to my house when we started 3racha, _my_ mom pulled me aside and asked if we were dating. God, they just wanted Hyunjin and I to _fuck.”_

At that comment, Minho put his face into his hands and _laughed._ It felt so good to have his ribs hurt from laughter. 

“Do you have any other stories?” Chan asked, his eyes were lit up like they were the first time him and Minho genuinely hung out. _Right,_ Minho reminded himself, _I was his first friend._

Hyunjin smirked. “You mean like the time Felix over there asked out my sister Sana,” he winked. 

Seungmin choked on his soda. “You did _what_ Felix?!”

Felix, after getting his spare, turned around, face red. “Listen, _don’t look at me like that,_ I’m bi for a reason. She’s cute!”

“She’s also my sister, _no one_ can date her. She’s my little sist—”

Seungmin interrupted him, “—isn’t she, like, _ten months_ younger thank you?”

Hyunjin leaned over to smack his arm. “ _Little. Sister,_ anyway, no one can date her; not without meeting my friends Chop,” he held up his right fist, “and Suey,” he held up his left fist. 

Woojin was the first to sigh. “Did you _name_ your fists?”

“Why yes I _did,_ hyung.”

Minho looked at Hyunjin, who was right next to him, “When’s the last time you got into a fight?”

Hyunjin froze for a moment before Jisung called over his attention. “Baby, he’s a pussy, and he doesn’t wanna damage that cute face of his,” he chuckled. 

 _“That’s not true._ One time someone called Jisooie a name and I punched them square in the jaw. So, I’m the best big brother ever,” Hyunjin pulled up his sleeve and flexed his arm. Minho saw Jeongin deeply blush. 

The nine kept talking a bowling. They would talk so loudly that people would send them dirty looks and make them shyly apologize. 

When the game was nearing its end, Chan got a phone call, and Minho saw the color drain from his face. 

“Suh-Sorry, it’s my dad,” he stood up, “I’ll be right back.”

He left the room and everything went cold again. Minho made even _more_ of an effort to not look anyone in the eye, even though he felt a few of their gazes. 

Changbin broke the silence. “Who’s winning, Woojin-ssi?”

“Felix’s team,” 

Felix didn’t high five Minho. 

Seven minutes passed before Minho excused himself, he told them to just finish the game without them. There weren’t that many rounds left. 

Minho was smacked in the face with the cold air before someone grabbed his wrist for the second time today. He turned around and saw Hyunjin, his black hair was almost to his shoulders, and under the dimmer light of the bowling alley he looked _beautiful._

“You know we’ve all had bad parents before, right? In some way or another, we’ve all had parents who haven’t been… the best,” Hyunjin squeezed his wrist one more time before letting go. 

Minho’s heart jumped up another fifty miles. “I’m sorry about that…”

“Don’t be. What I’m saying is that Chan can always talk to us if he needs to— _same with you._ Same with all of us, actually. We’re friends for a reason.”

Without knowing what else to say, Minho nodded. He always nodded. _Fucking idiot,_ he scolded himself. 

“Okay? Look, I don’t know what’s going on with Channie hyung, but maybe I can help? I know what it’s like to… not have the best parents.”

“Yeah,” Minho nodded, “I’ll tell him.”

Hyunjin smiled. “Good. Cause we all care about him.”

When Minho walked outside, he saw Chan sitting down on the curb, looking up at the few stars. _He loves stars,_ Minho thought. 

Wordlessly, he sat down next to Chan. He reached out for his hand, and it was freezing. His palm felt foreign to Minho.

“Minho-ah,” Chan begin, Minho looked over to him, “I’m not worthless, right?”

“What? No, not at all, hyung,” Minho couldn’t shake his head faster. “No one is worthless.” He saw Chan crack the slightest hint of a smile, his eyes were glossy. 

“Are you sure?”

 _“Yes._ Who told you that you were?”

Chan aimlessly reached for his phone and showed him that his last call was from his father. He then clicked to the messages and showed them to Minho. There was only one, and it was from two minutes ago. 

**From: don’t pick up**

_Don’t bother coming home tonight, Christopher. Honestly you’re so unappreciative of everything I do for you. Everything your mother does. You probably go around to Minho saying that you’re abused. I can’t believe you, are you kidding me?_

“Chan hyung…”

“Hmm?” He put his phone away, squeezing Minho’s hand again. 

“Do you love your parents?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. They were different back in Australia, they were the best parents you could ask for, they were like Changbin’s parents; rich, _present,_ and trusting. Then they lost their jobs,” he shrugged, “and we moved to Korea. It all changed then.”

“Oh… but why do you _still_ love them?”

“I don’t know…”

“They—”

“—I deserve it, Minho.”

_“No you don’t—”_

“—Yes. I do, Minho.”

Chan cut him off so cold, his voice was lined with anger. He continued, “I could be a better son. I shouldn’t be failing my classes.”

 _“That doesn’t matter._ They once hit you so hard that you fell down and had your tooth knocked out. You came to my room _sobbing_ because they threatened to take me away from you.”

“And, I _deserve it.”_

“They kicked Berry. Does your _dog_ deserve that?”

Chan stayed quiet. Minho wanted to press him more, but he didn’t know _how to._ He’s said all he can say. Chan just keeps denying it. 

_He keeps making excuses._

“Thank you,” Chan said softly.

“For what?” The reply came out harsher than Minho would have liked. 

“Being my best friend. For being _more_ than my best friend, Minho,” he turned to face him, “for just being _there. Existing.”_

The last seven walked out, they looked all ready to go. They didn’t look happy about it.

Chan broke the silence. “Who won?”

Felix shrugged. “We called a friendly draw. We’ll have a rematch soon, right?” 

Chan nodded. “Get ready to get your ass beat _again.”_

They all laughed, but it didn’t feel genuine. How could it? Minho knew they all knew, granted not the full story, but they knew enough. 

-

They didn’t want that night to end, so they went out shopping. Changbin bought gifts for everyone, he said it was because Jisung always paid. 

“You never buy me anything,” Hyunjin whined, hanging off of Jeongin, who smiled. 

“You don’t _deserve_ anything nice,” he joked. 

Everyone around them chuckled, the tension was starting to ease up a bit. Minho stood by a Beatles CD, _The White Album,_ and picked it up. 

He didn’t hold it for longer than a second until Changbin snatched it away with a smirk. 

“You don’t have to—”

“—I _want_ to. Honest,” he smiled. He had a basket full of gifts.

When he left, Jisung took his place and held his hand. It was so warm and pretty. 

“I feel like I’ve been ignoring you all night, I’m sorry, baby.”

Minho shook his head. “Don’t be. I know you’ve got a lot going on,” he smiled. _Your mother is literally dying, and yet you still care about making time for others._

Jisung lifted Minho’s chin upwards and closer his eyes. 

“We’re in _public,”_ Minho whispered. _And it’s one thing to be gay and hold hands, it’s another thing to kiss. It’s a whole other thing._

Jisung pulled back slightly and scowled. “Then come on,” he dragged him behind the music selection and kissed him like there wasn’t anything thing he lived off of. 

 _He’s gotten better at kissing,_ that thought almost distracted him from the stress of this month, _almost._

However, he left himself enjoy the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Jisung’s waist and giggled when Jisung bit his bottom lip. 

They were starting to enjoy themselves again, all nine of them. Seungmin came around the corner and smacked Jisung in the back of the head, muttering something to the effect of _“Please stop fucking.”_

They went to a pizzeria and ate everything off the menu, no interruptions from Chan’s parents.

Woojin shared more stories about his brothers, most of them Jeongin was there for. 

Minho hummed quietly to himself as he watched his friends laugh amongst themselves; he hummed _Let It Be,_ as he normally did, _‘And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be.’_

He didn’t know what the words meant, be he knew it reminded him of his friends. 

_Everything good reminds me of them._

“Do you remember when we were kids,” Hyunjin tapped Jisung (who was across from him and next to Minho) and Jeongin (who was next to him), “and Seungmin hung out with us the first time,” he laughed and Jisung picked up the story.  

“Right! And, he was so nervous to meet my dad that he peed hims—”

Seungmin clamped his hand over Jisung’s mouth. _“Moving_ _. On._ Next story.”

Woojin laughed so hard his face turned red. “What?! You never told me about this, Jeongin!”

 Jeongin was too busy laughing while holding onto Changbin for support. 

In the end they all went back to Hyunjin’s house to sleep over. Everyone knew (but no mentioned) that Jisung had been sleeping there every night.

Over the dim light of the movie they put on, Minho saw all of his friends. They were all scattered on Hyunjin’s floor, even though the bed was fully available. They intently watched the Korean dub of _Up!_ and joked about how the voices didn’t sync up. 

Every once in awhile, one of Hyunjin’s siblings would barge in and make a joke. Minho still didn’t understand the dynamic Hyunjin and his family had, but it all felt very domestic. 

Woojin laughed loudly at some joke, and Minho noticed that Chan laughed when he did. A part of his heart warmed at the sight. 

Jeongin and Felix were laying on top of one another, leaving Hyunjin to haphazardly cuddle Jisung. However, he still held Minho’s hand. 

Changbin had his arm around Seungmin in the same way a brother would. 

“I don’t ever want it to not be the nine of us,” Seungmin’s voice, as small as it was, broke the silence. Everyone gazed at him, Felix paused the movie.  

Hyunjin sat up a little. “What do you mean?”

Minho saw Seungmin’s face fall and he shrugged. “I don’t know,” he sighed, “I just like _this. Us,”_ he said earnestly. “I like knowing that you eight are my best friends.”

“Yeah,” Felix grinned, “and we always will be!”

_No we won’t. We can’t be._

Seungmin shook his head. “I don’t think we will be— _sorry._ I ruined the mood, didn’t I?”

“No,” Jisung shook his head, “you’re fine. I get what you mean.” 

Naturally the nine of them all moved into one circle. 

Jisung continued, “It's scary— _friendship._ Probably the scariest thing in the world.”

Changbin chuckled. “I don’t know, man, slides are pretty scary.”  

Minho punched his arm, his friends laughed. 

“Felix is moving back to Australia,” Chan mumbled, “and Woojin and I are graduating soon. And, Woojin has dreams to go to Seoul and buy a restaurant with his brothers Seokjin and Taehyung. And, Jeongin is so young…” he trailed off, he now hugged his knees. 

“But we're best friends, the point of best friends is to stick together.” Jeongin pouted. 

“Maybe we’re not gonna be nine forever,” Minho whispered. He felt all eyes on him and shied away into Jisung’s side. “I—I mean, we were never _just_ nine. We have other friends. I have my friends in Daegu; Hyunjin is the most popular kid in school; Jeongin has Mina, Jeongguk, and Taehyung; Seungmin and Woojin have everyone on the choir; Chan has—Chan has people; Changbin has people like Mark Lee and Mark Tuan; Felix has all of Australia; and Jisung knows _everyone.”_

“What’s your point?” Changbin asked. 

Minho’s face ran hot. “I’m—I’m saying that… we can be okay… if anything happens to us.” _We have to be okay._

He didn’t know where this new outlook came from, maybe he’s always had it? 

“But I don’t _want_ anything to happen to us,” Seungmin looked down and swallowed thickly. “We all have other friends, _yes,_ but we’re… we’re _Stray Kids._ And, Stray Kids has nine members.” 

Everyone stayed silent. Somewhere deep inside of him, Minho knew they were all thinking the same thing: _Nothing lasts forever._  

“And, it’ll always _be_ the nine of us,” Woojin pursed his lips. “Even when I go away to buy the restaurant, even when Channie and I graduate, even if—even if Jisung has to move. Even _when_ Felix moves, it’ll always be the nine of us in our hearts. We’re not gonna forget each other.”

“I’m always gonna stay with Jisung-ah,” Hyunjin put his arm around him, “but I’ll never _not_ be your friend. I love you guys.”

“I do too,” Changbin cleared his throat. “I’m sorry if I don’t express that well enough. But, I do love all of you. You guys are my best friends.”

Chan spoke up, “You guys are my _only_ friends.” Minho noticed a tear slip down his cheek, but he wiped it away before anyone said anything. 

“Though I love Taehyung, Jeongguk, his sister Chaeyoung, and Mina, I think I _value_ you guys more, you know?” Jeongin asked as he pulled out a picture of his friends. “Like, these guys right here are my best friends, and they always will be… but you guys are my family,” he then flipped to a picture of the nine of them. 

“And, though I love my Daegu boys, they were my _only friends._ You guys—you guys… you guys taught me how to have friends.” Minho scratched the back of his neck. 

“Jisungie, Mark Lee, and Mark Tuan were my first friends at school, in all honesty,” Changbin sighed, “and still… you guys are my family as well. Thank you.”

Woojin put his hand into the middle of the circle. Chan placed his on Woojin’s, Hyunjin followed, and soon the nine of them were all in the middle. 

“For Stray Kids,” Woojin said, and then looked at everyone expectantly. It didn’t take long for everyone to follow suit, a chorus of _‘For Stray Kids’_ fell from everyone. 

“Wow,” Jeongin smiled, “if we have this energy now, we’re totally gonna win the talent show!”

Everyone laughed. They laughed so hard at his comment, “ _Not because it was funny,”_ Minho would write three and a half years later, _“but because we all needed to laugh.”_

“God,” Changbin smiled, “I can’t wait to graduate Hell.”

Seungmin nodded. “Me neither, fuck high school,”

“To Hell and back,” Chan added on. 

Sana and Shownu came into the room, unannounced as always. “Mom and Dad said you need to go to sleep,” Shownu yawned. 

Hyunjin flipped them off. “It’s not too late!”

Sana gaped. “It’s two in the morning!” 

Chan coughed, and Felix laughed. 

Sehun, Yeri, and Jaemin all ran into the room. “See! See! If Hyunnie is still up, then we can still be up!” Yeri screamed and grabbed her brothers and ran, laughing will a childlike glee. 

Sana glared at the nine of them. “I hate you all.” She slammed the door. 

There was a beat of silence before Jisung started laughing, and of course everyone followed. 

“We _should_ get to bed, though,” Hyunjin said between giggles. “It’s late, and we’re gonna visit mama Han tomorrow,” he clapped and everyone got into their designated spots. 

“You’re not gonna let the oldest sleep on the bed?” Woojin laughed, already on the floor snuggling Chan. 

Jeongin, who was cozy in Hyunjin’s bed, laughed.

Hyunjin smirked. “I mean,” he winked, “three-ways are kinda hot.”

Minho whipped a stray pillow at him. 

Hyunjin laughed and got into bed with Jeongin, the two immediately cuddled up and kissing each other lightly. Minho saw Seungmin gaze at them before slinking off to join the cuddle-party with Felix and Changbin. Changbin was gently combing his hand through Felix’s hair, but welcomed the third single friend. 

Jisung wrapped his arms Minho, the two still sitting up. “Wish we were alone,” he whispered, “your ass looks _hot_ in those pajama pants.”

Minho’s face got red, he smacked Jisung and the two fell back.

They laid down, facing each other. Jisung got out his phone and gave one earbud to Minho and kept the other. He played _In My Life_ at a low volume. 

Jisung kissed him softly. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Minho smiled.

“Nope. Not a chance, baby,” he laughed. 

Seungmin sighed, “I’m gonna beat your asses _real soon_ if you don’t shut up.”

In a low, sleepy tone, Chan whispered: “That’s kinky.”

Changbin groaned.

“Shut _up,_ hyung,” Jeongin threw an extra pillow at him, but he missed and hit Woojin instead, Chan laughed. 

Deep in the middle of the night, Felix whispered the funniest thing in the world: _“You guys… penis.”_

Once again, they couldn’t breathe because they laughed so hard. 

  


_ May 22nd, 2019: _

_Stray Kids has nine_

  
  


Minho’s door is flung open, he jumps and grabs his chest. _“What the fuck?!”_ He wheezes. 

He spins around in his chair and sees Yoongi standing there, arms on his hips. His hair is pure white, as it’s been for years, and his frown is so prevalent it almost looks fake. 

“I told you to go to sleep,” he stomps his foot. _“what is this?!”_

Hoseok comes up behind him and dramatically sighs. “Go to bed.”

“Hobi hyung,” Minho snaps in his general direction, “how was the date with Mr. Min Yoongi?”

Yoongi narrows his eyes. “Don’t change the subject you _brat._ I told you to stop writing and sleep!”

“It’s due in four days!” Minho gesticulates. “I kinda _have to cram.”_

“Go. To. _Sleep,”_ Hoseok jabs his index finger into Minho’s room and walks away. 

For a moment, Yoongi and Minho are together in silence. He feels Yoongi’s eyes make slight incisions on him, Minho squirms. 

“You okay? You were crying, yeah?”

Minho subconsciously rubs his cheek for any leftover tears. He sighs, but in the end, nods. “I was writing about one of the last times we ever hung out, made me teary I guess.”

Yoongi purses his lips. “I get that, man. I’ll leave you be, but you had _better_ be asleep in an hour,” he starts to shut the door. 

Minho salutes him. “Aye aye, captain.” 

He stands, cracks his back, and lays down on his stiff bed. Blindly, he reaches over to his nightstand and opens the tiny drawer, it doesn’t take much digging before he pulls out a tiny piece of paper. 

In the dimly lit room, Minho read the chicken scratch English. 

_Nine or NONE._

_-Woojin, 2016_

Minho sighs and gazed out of his window and counts the few stars there were. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you graduate, but I hope you’re still happy up there with Han Seoyoon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want something to laugh about here’s something you can do:
> 
> Get a dance practice of ANY group (I’m talking everything from Undercover by A. C. E., to Spring by BTS, to Feel Special by TWICE, to fucking Growl by EXO) and play Double Knot over it. It’ll work. It will. 
> 
> Here’s something funny for you to watch: 
> 
> 1 - Jackson Wang (GOT7) (from China), Taeyong (NCT), and Jooheon (MONSTA X) all did a stage together. 
> 
> 2 - NCT Dream did a sexy dance cover of Baby Shark.
> 
> 3 - ATEEZ all played Twister.
> 
> 4 - Any K-Pop group playing the Flinch game. 
> 
> And, here’s something I find funny that happened when Fear by Seventeen dropped:
> 
> My best friend: Jeonghan? More like... more like BEAUTIFUL HAN. HA. 
> 
> I go, with so much confidence: DO YOU MEAN JISUNG?!?!
> 
> I hope you all have good days and remember to make someone smile... especially if it’s yourself. You deserve that.


	13. A Little Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. So this year we’ve lost Hoshi from Seventeen as he was trying to get water (that was a DAY). And we lost J-Hope. ACTUALLY NO WE DIDNT DO THAT, THAT WAS ALL JUNGKOOK’S DOING. That bitch got into a car crash and lost HOBI in like the same month. 
> 
> And while that was going on we were also playing the K-Pop version of Where’s Waldo? (read: Where’s Woojin?) in Astronaut. 
> 
> AND HYUNA AND E’DAWN CAME BACK INTO THE K-POP WORLD. Yes I know his stage name is Dawn now and no I will /n o t/ call him that. And fucking GOT7 came back with a BOP. And EXO are having a comeback I’m stressed.

_ May 23rd, 2019:  _

_As the weeks passed by and the talent show became closer, Han Seoyoon died more and more. She wasn't looking good, and everyone knew it. Everyone knew she’d have until the end of March tops. No one talked about it out of respect for Jisung, of course. We just kind of swept it under the rug. It’s how we all managed to make it through the days._

_I don’t know if that was the right decision or not, but I was seventeen, I didn’t know any better. What are you supposed to do when you’re watching your boyfriend’s mother die? There isn’t a handbook on death, it’s just trial and error._

_There was one day that Chan and I were babysitting the younger Hwang siblings. I_

  
  


_ January 21st, 2016: _

was in the middle of painting Yeri’s nails a bright blue color. They were in the twins’ room, along with Sehun who was doing his homework with Chan. Jaemin was preoccupied with some mobile game on his bed where he was doing simple math, clapping wildly whenever he got the right answer. 

“Can you do a flower?” Yeri asked, tilting her head to the side. 

Minho nodded quickly and pulled out a yellow container of nail polish, he giggled when he heard Yeri squeal. Her hands were shaky in his hold due to her hyper nature, but Minho still managed to make something akin to a flower. 

Her grin spread from one ear to the other, she hugged Minho and went to show off her nails to everyone in the room. Jaemin was awed and wanted Minho to paint his nails too. Sehun poked fun at her and called her a loser, only to have Yeri stuck her tongue out at him. 

Chan laughed, “Well, I think they look _gorgeous,_ Yeri!”

“Thank you!” She leaped in his arms and squeezed the life out of him. Chan had a small smile, one that made Minho’s heart swell with joy, he knew Chan would make a great dad. Everyone knew that. 

Jaemin took Yeri’s place and held out his hands, kicking his feet in the air. 

“Can you paint mine pink, please? It’s my friend’s favorite color,” he smiled. 

Minho looked down and nodded, blindly reaching for the nail polish. “Who’s your friend?”

Jaemin’s smile became fifty times wider. “His name is Jeno! He’s sweet,” he lulled his head to the side, “he’s my best friend.” He started to go on and on about all of the friend’s he had at school and how they all _loved_ his older siblings. Apparently everyone loved the Hwang family, no matter their age. 

“You guys are like the Weasley family,” Chan commented. 

Jaemin’s eyes lit up, along with his ever-growing smile. “You mean like _Harry Potter?!_ I love those books!” Him and Yeri both started flicking their wrists and reciting spells from the series. 

Minho snorted, “You nerd.”

Sehun smirked and glanced over at the two. “He’s not a _nerd,_ he’s a dork.”

“Hey,” Chan cocked his head, “don’t insult your brother, or _sister_ for that matter. I won’t help you with your fractions anymore.”

Sehun didn’t make fun of the twins after that. 

It was calm for the next few minutes, everyone was focused on some task. It was so domestic and sweet that Minho wanted to take a picture, and he would have, but he had to paint nails. 

When Jaemin was satisfied with his nails, Minho took the opportunity to run to the bathroom. He skated past the winding hallways until he reached the guest bathroom; in total the Hwang family had _five,_ even Jisung didn’t have that many. 

As he was washing his hands he heard a muffled argument from downstairs, and it was growing strong. Minho tried to shut it out by focusing on the running water and the sound _that_ made, but the two voices seemed to get louder by the minute. He chewed on his bottom lip and dried his hands as slowly as he could. When he opened the bathroom door he could hear them a little clearer. 

He knew one voice was Hwang Chaehee, and the other was a male. Minho used quick logic and figured out that it couldn’t be Shownu, he was studying for a test. 

_Hyunjin._

Minho tip-toed closer to the staircase and leaned over the rail a little, he couldn’t see anyone, but he heard Hyunjin and Chaehee _screaming._

“What’s so bad about it mom?!” Hyunjin pleaded. 

Minho jumped once he heard Jisoo run down the hall, her hands clamped over her headphones and she muttered _“Fighting, fighting, fighting,”_ over and over again. She ran into Shownu’s room. Sana and their dad were out getting groceries. 

Minho swallowed thickly and gripped the bars of the stairwell, he knew it was wrong to listen in, but he wanted to make sure his friend was okay. 

“You don’t know any English, Hyunjin!”

“So?!” Hyunjin screamed, and Minho flinched. Never once has Minho heard Hyunjin raise his voice in a mean way, he gripped harder. 

 _“‘So?’_ You wanna move to _America_ with Jisung!”

“He’s my best friend!” 

There was so much venom in Hyunjin’s voice that Minho recoiled into his own skin. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, but not in the same way like when he was having a panic attack, he felt like he was hiding from a monster who picked up on any sound. 

“Yes, and I’m your _mother, Hyunjin._ You can’t just up and move!”

“I’ll be with auntie Sarah! I’ve known her since I was in _elementary school._ I don’t want Jisung going alone, he _can’t do it, mom.”_

“You’re just a boy,” Chaehee’s voice broke. “And, you wanna move to a different _country?_ What would your siblings say?”

“I’ll come back for holidays, okay? I’ll be okay, mom, I swear.”

Minho knew Hwang Chaehee was crying by now, any parent would be. Hell, Minho was almost crying. 

 _Jisung will leave, Hyunjin with him, and then Felix…_ he started to rub his jeans, his heart beating in his throat. 

“What about Jeongin, Hyunjin? He’d… he’d be so lost without you,” Chaehee sniffled, “he loves you to the moon and back. Further, even.”

Hyunjin broke down at that, Minho could hear him sobbing from downstairs. “But… but _Jisung,_ mom. He’s my best friend, he’s been here with me through _everything._ He’s gonna lose his mom, _your best friend._ I don’t wanna lose my best friend.”

“You don’t _know that,_ Hyunjin. Not for sure.”

“Yes I do!” Hyunjin’s voice sounded strained, much like Chan’s the morning after he got drunk. “She hasn’t _moved_ in _weeks._ She’s _dying,_ okay? They’re just too scared to pull the plug…”

“Who’s _they?”_

 _“We are!_ All of us are, mom! We’re scared to lose Han Seoyoon because everything _bad_ will happen if it does. Jisung is my _best friend,_ mom. He was there when you weren’t.”

Minho heard Chaehee sigh. “I know, baby… I know. I’m sorry,” she sighed, “I’m sorry you, Shownu-ah, and Sana had to help raise Jisoo when you were little. I know that Jisungie was your first friend,” she sniffled, “and, I’m sorry that couldn’t be me.”

Hyunjin let out a sob. “It’s o-okay, mom. You and Han Seoyoon got better, and I’m proud of you. We all are, and I’m happy the little ones get to have you as their mom.”

Minho knew that they were hugging now, and his heart was somehow breaking and racing at the same time. Unknowingly, he started walking to the edge of the staircase, continuously looking back to see if anyone had come out. They hadn’t. 

The front door open and Minho heard Hyunjin run and hug someone, he was crying even harder. 

“What happened?”

 _Jisung,_ Minho thought. _Jisung just walked in._

His heart shattered completely, he wasn’t sure why. 

“I told her about the plan,” Hyunjin sniffled, his voice was so thin that Minho had to strain himself to listen. 

Minho couldn't hear Jisung’s response, and he was kind of thankful for that. He wasn’t sure if he could take it. 

After a few minutes of silence, Chaehee spoke up. “If it’s okay with your aunt, Jisungie,” she choked on her words, “then _fine._ Hyunjin, you can go.”  

Minho let out one pathetic sob, he knew they were running out of time together, and he knew he couldn’t handle anyone else slipping away from his hands. The mere thought of that drove him to want to lock himself away from everyone, even if that was counterproductive. 

“Baby?” A small voice broke the silence. 

Minho looked up and saw Jisung at the bottom of the staircase, soon joined by Hyunjin and Chaehee. His face went red and be bowed apologetically. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” he bowed again. 

“It’s all right, sweetie,” Chaehee smiled. “How are the kids?”

Minho nodded. “Guh-Good, they’re good…” he looked to Hyunjin and saw that he was already looking down, lips pursed. 

_Him and Jisung are going to leave. Then Felix. Then all of them will inevitably leave my life, and I’ll never be able to hear Seungmin and Changbin laugh again. I’ll never hear stories about Woojin’s brothers, and Jeongin will be miserable. And, I don’t know if I can help Chan._

Hyunjin sulked away without a word, and Minho felt a whole new set of tears build up, but he turned away before any of them fell. 

Before he made it anywhere, he heard Jisung race up behind him, he was panting by the time he reached Minho. When he looked over Jisung’s face, it almost hurt him to see him this broken. Minho knew Jisung just came back from the hospital, and he could feel his depression pulse off of him. 

“I’m—I’m sorry, baby,” Jisung whispered. 

He didn’t want to ask what for, he was truly afraid of the answer—if he had to hear Jisung’s voice crack from holding back tears, he would never be the same again. So he simply hugged him. Neither of them cried on each other’s shoulders, they simply existed with each other for a moment, and chose to be content with that. Jisung rubbed his back, and his touch was cold. 

Minho remembered the night of the birthday outing when Jisung pulled him down this same hallway and asked if they could sleep next to each other. They only pulled back when a door opened and Jaemin stepped out. 

“Were… were Hyunnie and momma fighting?” He asked slowly, and soon everyone’s head poked out. 

Jisung shook his head. “No, no, everything is fine now, guys,” he smiled, and Minho seemed to be the only one who noticed his smile faltering at the ends. 

 _“Minho-ah,”_ Chan stepped into focus, “we need to get going.” 

_Right, the sun is setting. He needs to get home before he has a bad night again._

“You can stay for dinner.” Everyone jumped at Hyunjin’a voice, no one had even heard him come up the stairs. “It’s no trouble. I can invite everyone else too.” 

Hyunjin’s eyes were a bright red, they were so red that Minho could hardly look at them without wanting to break down. 

“We really can’t, maybe another time, yeah?”

Hyunjin pursed his lips. “All right, yeah. I’m gonna tell Shownu hyung that there’ll be extras.” His voice broke at the end and he ran off, Minho didn’t acknowledge that he went past Shownu’s room. 

“I’ll go make sure he’s okay,” Jisung sighed and kissed Minho’s cheek. He didn’t say goodbye, he just said to get home safe.

-

Chan and Minho took a bus to get to their part of Gimpo. It’s rocked heavily from side to side, and what few passengers there were side-eyed them. 

“You don’t have to walk home with me.”

“I know I don’t, but—but I want to.” Of course he had to. He _always_ had to. It was never established _why_ Minho did that, it’s just been a tradition now for many months. 

Chan gently wrapped his arm around Minho’s shoulder. “This is why you’re my best friend. You know, I’ve already prepared my graduation speech! Or… at least some of it.”

Minho chuckled. “How do you even know you’re gonna be _able to_ give a speech?”

 _“Shh!_ I got the first line down: _‘I'd like to start off this speech with a thank you to everyone that helped little Chris to grow up.’_ It’s not _done_ done yet, but you and your mom are going to come and watch me deliver it. You’re gonna watch me graduate.”

Minho smirked. “Woojin hyung will _also_ be graduating then… or, are we _only_ celebrating Bang Chan?”

Chan blushed. “We should _always_ celebrate my lovely boyfriend. Him and everyone else from the group. I love our friendship.” 

Minho swallowed the lump in his throat. “I—I do too, Chan hyung. I do too.”

When they reached Chan’s house, Minho stayed behind him. It was always up in the air if his parents would be angry with him or not.

The door opened and Bang Jinsun stepped out. “You’re late. You missed dinner.”

Minho saw Chan’s shoulders tense up. “I—I came home as soon as I saw the time. Would you like my buh-buh— _babysitting_ money?”

Jinsun’s eyes narrowed. “No. I do not. One rule, Christopher,” he sighed, “we have _one_ rule.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Get into this house,” Bang Jinsun pointed into the house, _“now, Christopher.”_

Minho saw Chan flinch, he ducked his head down and ran into the house. Jinsun turned his gaze to Minho and shook his head. 

Minho was about to say something when Jinsun stopped him. “I don’t really like you, Minho, but my wife does. Don’t make her change her mind. Go,” heturned and slammed the front door shut, Minho jumped at the sound. 

He didn’t move however, he stayed on the porch and waited. He didn’t know what for, but he _waited._ His body started to tremble once he heard a heavy _thud!_ from inside. 

But, he didn’t move. The light above the porch hummed and buzzed pathetically, flies swarmed it. He started to feel dizzy from standing for so long. He pressed his ear to the door and his breath hitched once he heard what was going on. 

 _“Fucking piece of shit for a son,”_ Jinsun spat. In the distance he heard Chan start to whimper. 

Bang Jiae laughed maniacally. “Why do you _always_ cry? It’s your fault. It’s your fault your father drinks to begin with.” 

A slap could be heard, and from upstairs Minho could hear Berry whimper and cry, Minho knew he was in Chan’s room. 

_It’s not your fault Chan. You’re not responsible for what your parents do. You’re never responsible for someone else's actions._

“You know something, Christopher, we accepted you being bisexual, or whatever it is you are, and we bought you a new phone for your birthday, and we _always_ make sure you’re fed. And, then you make us take that _all away._ Why do you do it? Is it to spite us?”

“Nuh-No, suh-suh-sir.”

Minho let a sea of tears come down, he wanted to run in there and _help._ He wanted to do something, but he simply slinked away from the house, almost tripping down the stairs. His brain was splitting open with how much pressure he felt under, but he didn’t look back,  because he _was scared._

So, he _ran._ He ran so fast his feet didn’t even reach the pavement and his lungs _burned,_ but not as bad as his anger did. His body ached but he still ran faster than he ever ran before, and ever will. 

He made it home in record time, only slowing down when he came to the apartment complex. He walked down the dusty hall, taking note that the elevator still didn’t work. 

When he walked in he didn’t even register that he took off his shoes and dragged himself into the kitchen on autopilot. He saw his mom there, haphazardly cleaning the stove, tonight she had a good job. 

“I was wondering where you were,” she laughed, “I was about to call the police.” She was in good spirits until she turned around. “What happened?! It looks like you just ran a marathon, angel.”

He could tell his mom what happened and this would all be over, _all of it._ But, what did _‘all of it’_ really mean? Would that really mean Chan would leave?

_I can’t lose him, mom. I’m scared, mom. I’m so, so scared, please read my mind and know what’s happening, because I can’t say it._

“I…” he stuttered, “I didn’t wanna be home late.”

Lee Mija pursed her lips. “Angel, don’t lie to me. What _happened?_ If someone hurts you I want to know, okay?”

Minho nodded and smiled, even though his lips quivered at the end. “I’m not lying, mom. I just… just wanted to see you before you left for work.”

Lee Mija sighed quietly, “Okay, angel. I’ll believe you. Go get washed up. I wanna hear about your day when you’re done.”

Minho chuckled meekly. “Don’t you have work?”

“You’re always more important than work, angel.”

When he was done they talked and watched a movie on the couch (the Korean dub of _The Little Mermaid)_ and actually _finished it._

When she finally left for work Minho sulked into his room and let his thoughts drift off, something Jeongyeon constantly told him was bad for his mental health. 

_I left him in that house. I did that. I can stop this._

He blindly reached for his phone and quickly went to his contacts. He noticed how many new friends he’s made over the months in Gimpo and a stinging feeling of guilt washed over him, he wasn’t sure why.

He clicked on a contact and waited patiently as it rang. 

“No Skype call today?” Yoongi’s staticky voice came through. Hearing it made Minho’s breath hitch.

“You’d think I’d want to see your ugly face?” He tried to make a joke. 

“You hurt my one feeling, Minho-ssi. How dare you?”

Minho put Yoongi on speaker, just to feel like someone else was here with him. He had a feeling he’d be alone tonight. 

“Okay. Why’d you call me?”

“I can’t talk to my friend?”

“Not at a quarter to midnight you can’t. What’s up? You need an impromptu therapy session—Jeongyeon can’t suffice?”

Minho let out a breathy chuckle. “Am—Am I a bad friend, Yoongi hyung?”

“No.”

People like Min Yoongi and Yang Jeongin were the bluntest people alive to date. Minho should have expected nothing less of a response. He wanted to say something, but the words simply couldn’t form.

“Minho-ah,” Yoongi began. “You know you aren’t. You’re an amazing friend, and I love you. You know I do. What’s wrong?”

Minho pulled the phone closer to his face. “I wish I never came here, hyung. _Ever.”_

“You don’t mean that, I know you don’t mean that.”

“I think I _do_ though, and that’s the problem. I wish I was still in Daegu with you guys,” he sighed, “I wish we never had to move.”

“What about your friends?”

Minho laughed bitterly. “I’m gonna lose them all anyway, what’s the point? What’s the fucking point, hyung? I can’t do anything right,” he sniffled. 

“Well now you’re just self-deprecating. You’re a great person, Minho-ah, and if you love someone a lot in the moment, who cares if you lose them later? Later doesn’t matter, Minho-ah. Do you love Woojin?”

“Yuh-Yeah…”

“Chan?”

“Yeah…”

“Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jisung?”

“Yes.”

“Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin?”

“Yes, hyung… of course I do.”

“So, you don’t _regret_ moving to Gimpo, you’re just in a bad place, but it won’t be this bad forever.” Yoongi said, his voice was calm, even with the tiredness lacing it.

“How cuh-can you be so s-sure?”

Yoongi sighed. “Remember Jimin’s first year of high school?”

Of course Minho does, that was the moment where all of them were _really_ in separate classes, and it was weird to have all of them be away from each other for so long. 

“Sure I do…”

“And, do you remember how Hoseok cried on his first day because you and him wouldn’t have music class together?”

“Yeah?”

“And, you remember how Namjoon said it didn’t matter because we all had lunch together? Well, that same day _I_ was panicking as well, but much less than Hoseok was. But, for some reason Namjoon’s words calmed me down. We all had lunch together, every single day. That was enough to calm me down.”

“Really?”

“Yes. What I’m trying to get at is there’s always a constant in everyone’s life, Minho-ah. For you, it’s not your friends or therapy, maybe it’s your cats. Maybe it’s simply the fact that you wake up everyday and take a breath. That constant in life is enough— _or should be enough—_ to remind us that it isn’t _all bad._ So, if it’s not all bad, that means some days it’ll get worse, but it always has to get better. I’m sorry if that didn’t make sense,” Yoongi laughed, “it’s late. That whole thing made sense to me, I don’t know about you.”

“A little,” at least not Minho could breathe better, “I got what you meant, or at least the general gist of it. You have to work on your sentence structure though, hyung,” he _smiled._

“Suck my dick,” Yoongi said with no real bite behind his words. “What I’m trying to say is that life gets better, and there’s always a constant to ground you.”

There was a pregnant silence. 

“Thank you for listening, hyung. I’m sorry if I bothered you…”

“You didn’t. You feeling a little better?”

Minho nodded, “Yeah.”

“Good,” Minho knew Yoongi was smiling, “good. For the record, I miss you too.”

Now, Minho was smiling. “I miss you more, hyung.”

“Yeah, _okay._ Well no one misses you as much as Hoseokie and Jiminie, they go _on and on_ to our new friends about you.”

“R-Really?”

“Oh, yeah. Yugyeom-ah and Chen hyung even know about that time you dared Namjoon-ssi to pull the fire alarm.”

“You little shits,” Minho laughed, he felt a wave of nostalgia overflow through him. “I’m glad my legacy lives on in Daegu.”

“Always,” Yoongi whispered. 

They hung up about ten minutes later after joking around a little bit, and Minho was left to stare up at the ceiling. He thought about Jisung’s ceiling and the several glow-in-the-dark stars that littered it. Jisung told him that him and Hyunjin hung them up with they were no older than five. 

He rethinks these last few months and how everything started because Minho was having a panic attack and needed a walk. This _all started_ because of Jeongin’s kindness, his act of kindness that Minho will never forget. 

He haphazardly ran his hand over his sweater and gazed to the album Changbin had gotten him and smiled. He tried not to think about Chan, because thinking about Chan would make him want to go back; he _can’t_ go back. 

_Tap! Tap! Tap!_

Minho sprung out of bed like he was shocked by lightning. _“Chan!”_ He called out and raced to the window, only he didn’t see Chan. Instead, Jisung stood there, adorned in a grey hoodie pulled up. He smiled as soon as he met Minho’s eyes and waved accordingly. 

Minho ripped the window open. “It’s _freezing,”_ he scolded as he pulled his boyfriend inside. 

Once he was in, he chuckled. “I missed you.” 

“Are you okay?”

Jisung shrugged. “As okay as I can be, you know? How’s Channie hyung by the way? He practically ran out of the house.”

_Fuck… Chan._

Minho’s heart rate skyrocketed, he felt his palms go clammy, and he wanted to forget about tonight. He replayed the shouting from inside the house several times before he responded; he tried to sound believable. 

“Yeah… he’s fine. He just has homework to do.” 

There was a beat of silence as Jisung squinted at him. “Were you crying?”

“No—No. Why are you here, Jisung? It’s midnight. Are you okay?” Minho asked before he could be questioned anymore. 

Jisung pursed his lips and sat on the bed. “Hyunjin called Jeongin over to break the news,” he shrugged, “I didn’t wanna be there for it. He’ll tell everyone soon enough. I didn’t wanna go back to my house, I’m not an adult yet so I can’t _legally_ spend the night there alone, even if I wanted to.”

Not knowing what else to do, Minho sat next to him and put his head on Jisung’s shoulder. They held hands as they normally did, and both of them were cold, but it had been the closest thing to warmth Minho has felt all week. 

“I do have a front door, you know?” He laughed, running his thumb over the back of Jisung’s hand.

He felt Jisung chuckle. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“I suppose you’re right. Are you ready for the talent show soon?”

Jisung laughed, but it came out forced. “Not at all. But we’ll be fine, we have the best dancer in the school on our team after all.”

“Jongin hyung isn’t on our team.”

“Shush,” Jisung nudged him gently. “We have _you._ You’re gonna be an amazing dancer once you get into Seoul University.”

“And, you’re gonna go on to be the best rapper in the world.” 

_You’re not gonna be in my life when you make it big._

“You’re gonna support me, right?”

“With my whole wallet,” Minho shifted closer to Jisung. He had forgotten to close the window, but he couldn’t be bothered to move. 

“I’m sorry I came in like this, I just didn’t know where else to go.”

“Don’t leave,” Minho replied so softly that wasn’t sure if he was actually speaking or not. There was so much more he wanted to add. _“Don’t leave, don’t leave because I’m going to feel like a terrible best friend. Don’t leave because holding your hand makes me feel safer than any therapy meeting. Don’t leave because you help me feel like I don’t need to escape back to Daegu. Don’t leave because you’ll take Hyunjin with you, and then everyone else will go.”_

He felt Jisung shake his head. “I’ll be here all night and when you wake up in the morning. I’ll hold you all night.”

Minho wanted to tell him that wasn’t enough, that he needed _more,_ but he knew deep inside of him that _that_ was as good as he’s going to get. 

Whenever he closed his eyes he saw Chan hopelessly laying on the hospital’s bathroom floor, he saw his biological mom leaving him, he saw his friends waving goodbye to him on the last day he lived in Daegu, and he saw Han Seoyoon dying. 

Minho lifted his head up and tried his fucking _hardest_ to maintain eye contact with his boyfriend for as long as he could. 

“I love you.”

Jisung audibly swallowed. “I—I love you too, baby.” 

They kissed like it was their last _real one_ they’d ever have, because Minho knew it would be, and he knew Jisung knew that as well. Minho ran his hands through Jisung’s hair and tugged at it at random times. Jisung’s hands rested on top of Minho’s waist and he squeezed every now and then. 

Minho didn’t realize he was crying until he felt a liquid seep into their kiss, and once he realized Jisung was trying to pull away, he kissed him harder. 

They only stopped once Minho was in Jisung’s lap struggling to breathe. A line of saliva connected their lips. 

In the pale moonlight Minho saw Jisung’s face was bright red, he gently hugged Minho. Jisung’s eyes were wildly and sad, and his hair was looking about the same, and Minho never wanted to forget him like this. 

“You have me for tonight,” Jisung breathed, “I won’t leave you for as long as I can.”

Minho nodded and started to kiss Jisung again, this time softer until they landed on the bed entangled in one another. And, when they made love that night, it wasn’t pretty and romantic, it was distant and wishful. 

  
  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019:  _

 

_I regret that night every single day. I regret not going in there and saving Chan, because things would have gone much different… so much better. But, I suppose that’s in the past for a reason._

_This essay is coming to a close soon. My God, I need to let my new therapist read this—I think I’ve written more here than I’d_ ever _write for her. No offense Im Nayeon, you’re a great therapist._

_There’s not much left to share about my junior year, and I don’t have that many pages left that I can write._

_I hope you don’t think I’m making any of this up, I’d have to be a pretty fucked up person to do that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it says something about me that my top biases are Hoseok (BTS), Minho (Stray Kids), Mark (GOT7), Johnny (NCT—plus Jeno, and Lucas), and Changkyun (Monsta X). Idk what that says about me, but it says SOMETHING. Also those are 5 out of like the 50 biases I have. This is a desperate cry for help I only joined K-Pop for EXO and Red Velvet. I slipped in too deep. 
> 
> ANYWAY. How you been since we last talked?  
> Uh-huh. Oh, really? WAAAAHHH??? Yeah I never liked him to begin with. 
> 
> Spill that spicy tea, what did you think of this chapter? My personal favorite part was hurting Minho—IM KIDDING JESUS. It was hurting Chan. No, no, no, I actually am not that happy with how this chapter turned out. But, it’s gone through a few rounds of editing and this is the best it’ll get. 
> 
> Also I wanna write an entire story just about Chan and Minho babysitting the wee Hwangs. For therapy reasons. 
> 
> As always I’ve enjoyed our talk ;). I don’t know why I winked. That made it weird. 
> 
> I’ll—I’ll go. 
> 
> You make someone smile today. ESPECIALLY if it’s yourself. So help me god if you don’t try your hardest to love yourself then Chan and his wall friend are gonna be sad. I’m watching you, Stays. 
> 
> 💚💜


	14. There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jisung-Chuu rumor got started by my Twitter moot and that’s amazing. 
> 
> I’m sorry this chapter took so long to get out, but hopefully it was worth the wait.
> 
> So it came out that Jongin is best friends with Taemin and Jimin and my h e a r t. Also Obsession came out and w o w I love my boys. 
> 
> ALSO FUCKING LAVANTER?!?! IT SLAPS!! I miss Woojin though. The same goes for Monsta X’s comeback. I miss Wonho. And Hanbin. And Hwall. 
> 
> So. So the MAMA. Okay a few things:  
> 1-ATEEZ’s performance was EASILY my favorite. Center Yeosang in View did things to me. And Jimin looked so proud of them doing BS&T! I was soft.  
> 2-Mingi’s nipple  
> 3-Wonwoo. Mr. Wonwoo. Of Seventeen. ATE A FUCKING FLOWER. Seungcheol has been gone for like three weeks and it’s like Jeonghan doesn’t feed them.  
> 4-GOT7 got their table confiscated from them. I hate that they’re my #1. GOT7 are my ults and I hate that. Why can’t it be like Pentagon or a normal group like that? What am I saying they’re not normal either.  
> 5-Twice hated life at the MAMA.  
> 6-Jackson’s reaction to Fever. Enough said.  
> 7-WAYV. Enough said.

_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_Objectively, I would say this was the worst day of my life. Well, one of the worst days. Easily in my top 8. However, credit where credit is due, it truly started off really well._

_It was five in the afternoon and my mom was already starting to get ready for the talent show, even though she didn’t have to be at the school until seven. I feel like it’s a mother thing to do, they get ready fifty hours in advance._

_I never understood why, especially not on this day, it was just_

  
  


_ February 16th, 2016: _

“—a talent show, mom. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Minho watched his mom’s face in the mirror as she started to apply her mascara. Her hair was still disheveled and she was still in her casual wear; Lee Mija always got dressed out of order. She eyed him from the mirror and pursed her lips. 

“It most certainly _is._ I haven’t seen you up on stage since you were fourteen! Oh, angel,” she cooed, “do you remember that night? You were dancing against… against…” she started snapping her fingers. 

“Wen Junhui? The Chinese student in Namjoon hyung’s math class?”

“Yes! Oh, you two were _so_ cute! I’m so surprised you won that competition,” she laughed. 

Minho rolled his eyes. “Thanks, mom.”

His mom pouted. “What? He was such a good dancer, but of course you won. I remember your first one where you beat Choi San and won first place, you were so happy. I wish you did more competitions, you’ve always been great.”

Minho felt a blush rise on his face as he scratched the back of his neck. “I’m studying dance in college so that makes up for it.”

“Oh,” she smiled, “I suppose so. You’re gonna be the next big K-Pop star? Or at least a backup dancer?”

“You’re funny, mom.” It was then he remembered why he came into the bathroom in the first place. “Mom, I need you to do my eyeliner.”

Mija stifled her laugh. “You’re doing eyeliner? Don’t you remember your little emo phase where you dyed your hair bright green and—”

 _“—we don’t speak about that, mother!”_ Minho almost shrieked making his mom laugh harder. 

“Oh, you and little Yoongi-ah would listen to that American band… what were they called? Oh, right,” she chuckled, _“Fall Out Boy,_ was it?”

 _“Mom! Shut up!”_ Minho whined as he crossed his arms. He couldn’t be too mad though, not with how his mom was laughing wildly. 

“You two were so cute back then, I miss that,” she mumbled. “Sit, honey, I’ll do your makeup.”

She put it on perfectly and with a smile on her face. It wasn’t too showy or prominent, it was subtle and brought out the color in his eyes. He looked and _felt_ pretty. 

While looking at himself in the mirror, his mom rested her head on his shoulder and smiled at their reflection. Minho had never noticed has gorgeous his mom was and how it truly shocked him how she never found another girlfriend. 

“You…” he started, but he didn’t know how to get the words out properly. His mom lifted her head and hummed. “You shu-should guh-guh- _get_ out there again. Meet some-someone.”

A faint blush came over her. “Oh, I’ve thought about it, but not until you’re ut of here. You’re my first concern, angel, _always.”_

Minho’s face fell, he didn’t want to be the cause of his mom’s loneliness, but he also didn’t know how to cure it. How were you supposed to help someone if you’re already with them every day? Were you even supposed to… is it even your job?

“Good luck out there tonight, knock ‘em dead, angel!” She lightly hit him on his arm. 

Minho decided to answer those questions later, so for now he bounced on his heels. “Do—Do you think we’ll win?”

She smiled widely. “Without a shadow of doubt.”

He smiled. “You have to say that cause you’re my mom.”

“And, that’s why my opinion counts the most!” She was about to continue but suddenly the doorbell rang. “Were you expecting someone, angel?”

Minho’s grin started to spread rapidly. “Yeah! The guys are walking with me to the school! Woojin hyung was gonna drive us, but walking just seemed more fun.” As he spoke, he started turning down the hallway and practically ran to the door. 

When he opened it he just saw Han Jisung there holding a red rose, he wore a shy smile and his outfit. His hair was perfectly disheveled and his eyeliner made him look _attractive_ (one of the Hwangs definitely did his makeup) _._ Minho had to stop himself from gulping, his boyfriend’s puberty hit him like a sledgehammer. 

He bit his lip. “I thought _everyone_ was walking with us?”

Jisung simply shrugged. “Change of plans, I haven’t had alone time with you in _ages.”_

“We went on a date _two days_ ago, Jisungie.”

“Shh. Just take the rose,” Jisung practically shoved the poor flower into Minho’s chest, he started blushing widely. “Seungminnie knew I’d be all over you and just told me to walk with you.”

A part of Minho was happy to spend some time with Jisung, but the other half was disappointed he couldn’t see the rest of them. The nine of them hadn’t hung out a lot recently and it bothered Minho. 

They all knew about Hyunjin’s plan to leave with Hisung when—if—Han Seoyoon passed away and no one took it well. Woojin had called him an idiot, Chan didn’t believe it, Seungmin cried, Changbin screamed, Felix said he was stupid, and Jeongin punched him. Square in the face. 

Inevitably they all came to terms with it because they didn’t want Jisung to be alone, but no one _wanted_ it. Everyone knew it was going to happen though, Seoyoon wasn’t looking good; her breathing was thin, even with the oxygen tube, and her health was rapidly decreasing. Jisung has stopped letting anyone except Hyunjin and his family come to the hospital with him. 

Minho snapped out of his thoughts when his mom came to the door. “Hi, honey! How’ve you been?”

“Hello, Miss,” Jisung bowed his head, “I’ve been well. You?”

“Been doing just fine, how’s your mom?”

Minho saw the way Jisung’s shoulder twitched at the question, but he chose to forget about it, he knew both of the would just cry if he brought it up. Tonight was going to be a good night, it _had_ to be; they were going to compete and _win._

“As good as she can be.” 

Even Minho knew that the conversation had to stop there. He felt his mom’s hands on his shoulders softly rubbing them. 

“Well, I’m glad to hear that, honey. I’ll be there front and center tonight.”

Jisung smiled. “I know, Miss. I hope you like it, we’ve worked so hard on it.”

Recently Jisung hasn’t been rambling as much, and a part of Minho breaks when he thinks about that. He didn’t value it much _then,_ but now he realizes how interesting Jisung’s rambles would be. 

He wasn’t surprised about it, though, not with the dying elephant in the room. 

The two left hand in hand not really speaking much. They made their way down the dusty hall and out into the brisk night, it has snowed five or so days ago, so they could only walk on the sidewalk. 

“So, I hung out with Changbin yesterday…” Jisung began, purposefully trailing off. 

Minho cocked an eyebrow at him. “And?”

Jisung smiled. “He finally confessed his undying love for Felix. _Finally._ He told me he’ll confess inevitably, that’ll probably be in two years, but who’s counting?”

Minho laughed. “I mean, you’re not _wrong._ I’m glad at least one of them finally acknowledged their feelings, even if they never act on them.”

Everyone in South Korea (probably North, too) knew that the two liked one another, it’s just that no one brought it up. It seemed to be that way with most issues that arise in the friend group, Minho decided. 

They got half way to the school when Minho’s phone started ringing, he looked down at his phone and saw the display name: **Hoseok hyung Calling.** There was an overlay picture of him and Minho smiling together when they were no older than thirteen. 

“Isn’t that one of your Daegu boys?” Jisung asked, squeezing his hand. 

Minho bit back a smile. “Yeah…”

As soon as he answered it and put it on speaker he heard several voices. 

“Good luck Minho-ssi!” Namjoon yelled. “You’ll do great!”

“Fuck yeah you will, you’re the best son I could ever ask for!” Hoseok _screamed._ “You’ll do _great!_ Your mom is gonna record everything and send it to us.”

“Hobi-ah,” Jimin laughed, “you’re not that much older than him to be calling him your son.”

“Shut the _fuck up,_ you short shit.”

“Make me!”

“Kinky,” Namjoon said, and Minho just _knew_ he winked. 

Minho had to cut in, “Guys! Jesus, I haven’t even _said_ anything yet and you’re already fighting.”

Yoongi laughed. “Yeah, you haven’t really missed anything since you’ve been gone. Their petty fights somehow got _pettier.”_

Minho’s eyes went wide, he looked over to Jisung who was smiling. “Really? That’s a shock and a half.”

They talked for the last two minutes until they reached the school, and once Chan noticed who Minho was talking to, he immediately snatched the phone. 

“Hi guys!” He yelled. Chan’s appearance almost threw Minho for a loop, he had forgotten that he dyed his hair a blue-silver for the talent show (his poor scalp). 

“Channie-ah!” Yoongi yelled. “How’s my favorite Australian been?”

Chan laughed, almost blushing. “Good, good. Haven’t snuck into Minho-ah’s room in two days.”

“Wow,” Namjoon gasped, “what a record.” 

Minho always found it funny how Chan could have such a good friendship with people he’s never met in person before. He figured it was because everyone loved Chan, or at least they _should._ He always found it weird that Chan never made friends with virtually anyone before he met Minho. 

“I know right? Oh, and my hair came out _great!_ My boyfriend, Woojin, did it for me.”

Minho saw that way Woojin blushed under his words. 

“Well,” Jimin chuckled, “I’m glad someone’s finally fucking you, I was about to do it myself.”

Everyone laughed at that comment. The nine of them stood outside and eventually ended the phone call only to make small talk with one another. 

“For once my parents are here and they’re coming tonight!” Woojin announced. “My brothers were dragged here, but who cares?”

Everyone laughed. Jisung threw his arm around both Minho and Jeongin and started talking. “Yeah, I’m glad all—most of our parents are here tonight. They get to watch us fail miserably.” 

Minho knew Chan’s parents wouldn’t come—everyone knew that. 

Seungmin playfully shoved Jisung. “We’ll do okay at best.”

“Hey!” Felix pouted. “We’re gonna do _amazing!_ I’m on the team, so, like, you _have to win.”_

“I don’t like that logic.” Changbin commented, smirking. 

Woojin raised his hands. “I second that motion.”

Everyone, once again, laughed. 

“Oh, oh!” Jeongin suddenly called. “Come on, group picture! We haven’t taken one of those in _forever!”_

Jeongin ended up getting one of the dance captains, and the best dancer in the school, Jongin, to take the picture for them. It was awkward to fumble around and scrunch together, especially in the cold, but somehow they did it. 

For a moment it was like Minho was back in September celebrating three birthdays. He remembered how scared he was to join in the group picture, almost having a panic attack as a result. He now felt at ease with the eight of them, never wanting to let go of this memory. 

“Thanks, man!” Hyunjin smiled taking the phone away from Jongin. “I’ll be at the party Jackson’s throwing by the way.”

“Hell yeah,” Jongin grinned. “I’ll see you then! Good luck guys!” He ran inside to finish setting up for the show. 

Minho always forgets that Hyunjin is one of the popular kids. 

“Who’s Jackson?” Felix asked, tilting his head to the side. 

Seungmin choked on his spit. “Only, like, the coolest kid at school! God, he’s awesome!”

Minho swallowed. “Then—Then why hauh-haven’t I heard his name before?” That wasn’t a complete lie, though Minho participated in school activities more, he still didn’t care about most kids there; it wasn’t to be cruel, he just didn’t have the energy. 

Seungmin narrowed his eyes. “Cause you don’t get around at school.”

Minho thought about that statement for a minute. “I suppose you have a point.” He joked. 

 

-

 

Thankfully, it didn’t take long for the talent show start. Professor Kang, looking as depressed as she normally did, was the host (for reasons Minho couldn’t understand). 

“Greetings parents, students, and others,” she began, her voice as monotoned as ever. “Let me welcome you to the fifth annual Gimpo Public Arts School Talent Show, this time with prize money. I’m not sure it’s legal to _have_ prize money in a high school talent show, but I don’t get paid enough to care. Anyway, as much as I would like to get fired because these kids drive me _insane,”_ she sighed, “I will admit, every kid worked hard. So, please put your hands together for our first act, our two seniors, Kim Jongin and Park Chanyeol, they will be doing a comedy sketch.”

Needless to say, Jongin should just stick to dancing. 

The most memorable acts were Jeongguk’s dance cover of _Manolo;_ one of the dance captains, Jaebeom, and his boyfriend Jinyoung doing their song _Bounce_ (it was… interesting); a freshman named Qian Kun doing a magic trick; a trio of girls named _Odd Eye Circle_ doing their song _Sweet Crazy Love;_ a group of freshman named _TXT_ doing their song _Cat and Dog_ (Felix went on and _on_ about them being furries). 

Hyunjin’s sister, Sana, performed _Move by Taemin_ along with one of the dance captains, Momo; Jeongguk’s sister, Chaeyoung, and Mina. 

“Well they’re obviously gonna win! They’re covering a _Taemin song!”_ Jeongin gesticulated. “We’re fucked, we’re over, _bam_ just like that.”

“Who’s Taemin?” Felix asked in a quiet voice only to the astonished gasp of Seungmin of Jeongin. 

“He’s a member of _SHINee!_ Only, like, the _best group ever!_ God, do you not know anyone cool?” Seungmin practically screamed. “And, what did we do? Write a song about depression.”

“Exactly,” Jeongin pointed at Seungmin, “see he gets me.”

“Well, it’s a good song…” Chan mumbled. “We still have a great shot at winning! I believe in us.”

Jisung cleared his throat. “I think _Girls Generation_ is the best group… I mean, they have _Tiffany Young!”_

Seungmin narrowed his eyes at him. “Okay, first of all, that wasn’t the main point, and _second of all,_ fuck off you’re wrong.” 

Changbin was the first one to laugh, everyone glanced over at him. “Guys,” he started, “we’re about to perform an _original_ song, and you guys are arguing over what group is better?”

“They’ve been arguing this since we were _kids,”_ Jeongin groaned. 

Woojin piped in, “You’re still a kid.”

Jeongin stuck his tongue out at him. “Shut up, I’m trying to make a point here. That point _being,_ that the argument of Taemin verses Tiffany will never end.” 

During their argument the girls’ performance ended and they were already coming backstage.

Mina immediately went to hug Jeongin, Momo and Chaeyoung wished everyone good luck, and Sana said, _“Try and beat that, idiots.”_

Hyunjin’s family relationships have been different, or so Jisung told Minho. When Sana found out about Hyunjin’s plan she threw a plate against a wall and screamed at him. Shownu held her back from practically tearing the house down. The little ones cried, even Sehun, and Jisoo simply asked if he hated her. 

Of course he didn’t hate her, Hyunjin didn’t hate _anyone._ He just won’t leave Jisung’s side no matter what. A part of Minho wanted to join in on this plan, but he didn’t want to leave anyone behind—he didn’t know if he could handle that. 

Him and Jisung haven’t talked about their relationship when—if—he goes to America, it was just swept under the rug to calm the current state of anxiety. 

The loud squeaking of the microphone on stage made everyone jump. Professor Kang stood there somehow looking more dead inside than she did twenty minutes ago. 

“Next up we have _Stray Kids,”_ she droned, “this is a group made up of Kim Woojin, Bang Chan, Lee Minho,” Minho felt his heart jump once she said his name, “Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung, Kim Seungmin, and Yang Jeongin. They’re as thick and thieves in this school, I swear,” she sighed. “They’ve written and performed their own song, _Hellevator,_ and have been working on it for months now. Please welcome to the stage, _Stray Kids.”_

To say Minho was shaking was an understatement, he was practically vibrating. Surprisingly, it was Changbin who calmed him down. He came up to him and handed him a crumpled up piece of paper.

“What’s this?” Minho asked.

“Woojin hyung and I are handing them out to everyone,” he smiled, “I didn’t write it, this was all his idea.”

Minho nodded and opened it and read the chicken scratched English: 

_ Nine or NONE.  _

_ -Woojin, 2016  _

His heart swelled and broke at the words. He knew it wouldn’t be nine forever, but that was just a fact he was going to have to get used to. 

When they all got on stage Minho noticed Chan looked petrified. He gazed out into the audience and was met with the cold faces of his parents. They both crossed their arms and everyone around them seemed to ignore them. It wasn’t like the people around them didn’t _know_ they were that, but rather they didn’t want to acknowledge them; they didn’t want to look under the bed for the monster. 

 _Jesus,_ Minho thought, _did everyone know about them and what they did?_

He reached out and squeezed Chan’s hand. “We’ll do great, hyung, don’t—don’t worry.”

Chan simply nodded and began to take his place. In the heavy and awkward silence, a voice broke out. 

“Hyunjinnie! Hi!” 

Everyone in the audience laughed, Minho looked over and saw Chaehee trying her best to pull Jaemin down. The kid wouldn’t budge as he waved obsessively at his brother. The rest of the Hwang family, minus Sana and _including_ Jisoo, all laughed at his antics. 

“Good luck!” Yeri screeched, Minho found it funny that they didn’t do this for Sana. 

Minho looked over and saw Hyunjin shyly wave back at the little one. He bit back a laugh. 

One seat over from Chaehee sat his mom, she was holding her crappy cell phone ready to record. Minho was probably bias, but he thought his mom looked the best out of everyone in the auditorium. She noticed him staring and gave him a thumbs up. 

The lights dimmed down (courtesy of Kim Hongjoong, a boy who wanted absolutely _nothing_ to do with this talent show, at least that’s what Hyunjin told Minho) and the music began. 

Seungmin had the first line, and the eight moved to make room for him. 

**내 삶은 밑바닥 낭떠러지**

People who hadn’t heard Seungmin’s voice before were definitely taken aback by his powerful vocals, he was on a choir for a reason. He sang with so much passion in his voice. Minho could sing well, but for some reason they gave him a rapping portion. 

When Changbin started rapping there was an audible gasp from the audience, everyone underestimated the rapping skills of the boy that helped make the song _Wow._

But, when Changbin put his heart and soul into rapping, he was _amazing._ There was no denying it. All of his friends were immensely talented. 

Minho quickly maneuvered to the front to have one of the main parts in the dance and his heart raced with pure adrenaline. He felt like he was a kid again going to compete in silly competitions that Daegu didn’t put a lot of time into setting up. 

When Woojin sang it was like being personally lifted to cloud nine, and that was putting it lightly. Chan has the next part, and Minho thought their voices matched wonderfully together. 

Then Minho’s _amazingly talented_ boyfriend came on, and everyone could tell he was born for the stage. He was great at virtually everything he tried, he even wrote most of the song. 

**내 아픔 내 눈물을 타고**

**위로 빠져나가고 있어**

Jisung did everything with so much passion, if he didn’t become wildly successful, Minho would only assume that Jisung died. 

When Hyunjin came on screen all the boys and girls cheered, _everyone knew the Hwangs._ But, they also had a right to, Hyunjin could rap with so much energy behind his voice you could get lost. 

Though Jeongin didn’t get many lines, when he sang everyone paid attention. He didn’t stutter at _all_ when he sang, and of course he danced incredibly. He was one of the best dancers in all of Korea.

And, when _Felix_ started his rap, everyone’s breath left them. No one knew how deep Felix’s voice could go and how genuinely talented he was at rapping while dancing. 

With the end of Felix’s part, Minho _finally_ got his part in center. He didn’t get a lot of lines (no more than six seconds), but he had the whole stage to work with by his friends’ side. _That_ was the best part. 

He stuttered for less than half a second, something he didn’t even scold himself for. He felt the thrill of being on stage again as he danced liked _everyone_ was watching and _everyone_ loved him. 

Nothing ever felt the same for Minho when he was in his zone in the stage, he was finally thankful for his mom signing him up for those dance classes over the summer. In fact, he may actually go back to them. 

Of course Jisung wrote his next part after Minho’s so they could both share the stage for a moment. He felt Jisung’s presence behind him and that gave him all the more courage he needed.

Just like that, the song was over. The thrill and adrenaline was gone, much like that night the nine of them came back from the Therapy Park. 

They all held hands and bowed, rightfully being the last performers. 

Everyone cheered, Lee Mija the loudest, Minho could see tears in his eyes. Thankfully Minho was still on his buzz so the sounds didn’t trigger anything beyond him having to take a few deep breaths. 

Minho looked over to Chan and saw that out of everyone, he was smiling the least. He then noticed that his parents were the only ones not clapping. 

All the other acts came out, and everyone stood in one long line and bowed, the cheers went on and didn’t stop until everyone had left. 

Backstage Sana playfully rolled her eyes. “I suppose you’re performance wasn’t the absolute _worst.”_

Minho saw the way Hyunjin smiled, he had a special smile he saved for his siblings and siblings only. 

Everyone mingled with one another, trying to get out as many compliments as they could. It was a very supportive atmosphere, something Minho wished he felt more in the rest of his classes. 

Thankfully when the crowd started getting too much, Professor Kang came back on the stage. Everyone intently tuned in, Minho was sure the magician would win—everyone loved a good magic show. 

“All right,” she tapped the microphone, “the scores have been calculated by our lovely judges. In this white envelope I have the winners, now I have to say that everyone did a _wonderful_ job, but only one team came out on top.” She gently ran her fingers underneath the flap, tearing it open. She took out a small white piece of paper and a small smile (so small Minho was almost sure he was just seeing things from the backstage) appeared on her face. “Will the members of _Stray Kids_ please come up and collect your ribbon, you’ll get your praise money in about an hour.”

_What?_

Minho’s jaw hung open, sure they did well, but Minho never thought in a million years that they would have actually _won._ He heard the sudden cheers of all the acts as the nine of them made their way back on stage, still flabbergasted. 

Chan was the one to take the long blue ribbon (he _was_ the leader of their group anyway). He accepted it gratefully. 

_“Yes! That’s my son up there!”_

Everyone jumped at Lee Mija’s sudden outburst. While everyone else’s parents were cheering at a respectable volume, it didn’t surprise Minho in the slightest that his mom was the loudest. 

They made their way backstage _again_ just to be congratulated over and over again, not that it wasn’t appreciated. 

Jeongin, the sweet boy he was, recorded everyone’s reaction, and when he spoke you could hear the smile on his face. 

Seeing all the students of his high school made Minho want to be involved more, and maybe that should be his goal for senior year. Even if he wouldn’t be friends with the nine of them, maybe he could make more friends? Oh, how Jeongyeon would squeal when he would tell her this on Friday, the 21st. 

Soon everyone cleared out backstage, going home with their respective families. The nine stayed and waited for their prize money, sitting on the hard metal chairs that have been around since the split between North and South Korea. 

Minho excitedly tapped away on his phone until he found his friends’ contact. He bit his lip as it rang. 

“How’d it go?!” Hoseok yelled. “Oh, oh, _wait, guys! Come on!”_ Minho heard several feet shuffling. “Okay, now go!”

Minho chuckled and put them on speaker. “Guess who won the talent show!”

Their screams were so loud the audio cut out for a moment. 

“That’s amazing!” Jimin yelled. “I knew you could do it, man!”

“I’m not even surprised,” Yoongi laughed, “you guys have worked your asses off to do this. Good job.”

All conversation halted when the exit of the backstage opened. A cold breeze settled into the room as Bang Jiae walked. 

“I—I’ll let you guys go,” Minho quickly hung up. He watched tentatively as she made her way over to the nine, standing in front of Chan. 

“Let’s go, Christopher.”

Chan took a small step back. “Wha-What?”

“You heard me.”

“I—I need to wait for the pr—” Chan stooped his sentence midway when Jiae cocked her head to the side. 

Everyone waited for Chan’s reaction. Minho was more than positive Chan would comply with what she wanted and leave. He’d most likely come and see Minho that night anyway. 

No one expected Chan to turn and leave to the backstage area and enter in the main part of the school. 

“And just where do you think you’re going, Christopher?”

Chan stopped in the doorway and balled his fists. “I need to get some stuff before I leave.” 

Minho immediately rushed out after him, he called out his name several times but Chan didn’t turn around. They made it down several halls of the quiet school before Chan finally punched a locker. The sound was probably heard from here all the way to Daegu. When Chan pulled his fist away there was a small dent mark. 

“Are… are yuh-you okay?” Minho debated stepping closer to Chan, but in the end decided that probably wasn't the best. 

Chan scoffed shaking his wrist out of pain. “I’ve been through worse.” After a moment he went back in and punched the same spot again, this time hissing as soon as his fist made contact. 

Minho could see a tear start to roll down Chan’s face. 

“They ruin fucking _everything,”_ he punched the locker again. 

“Chan…” Minho meant to sound stern, but his voice broke. He rushed over and grabbed his bicep pulling him back. “Ss-Stop it.”

Chan whipped his arm away from Minho’s grasp. “I can’t stand it anymore, Minho. I _can’t.”_

Minho held back from yelling at him. “Are you fin-fuh-fuh—” he took a breath— _“finally_ going to admit what’s going on?”

Chan wiped his eyes with his sleeve turning it a darker color. “You _know_ what’s going on, Minho!”

That was it, that was finally enough to bring Minho over the edge. 

“And, how am I supposed to help?!” He snapped, the veins in his neck popping out. He saw the way Chan flinched back. “I’ve done _everything_ to try and help you…” his voice cracked. _“Everything._ What more could you want from me, Chan?!”

Chan took a step back, his face bright red, his eyes wide and pleading. “I—I don’t…”

But Minho didn’t stop. “I told you that you could move in, I give you my food, I let you into my room _every single night,_ I do everything I can to help. I lie for you so _much,_ Chan. What am I supposed to do?”

Chan looked down, tears dripping onto the floor. “I—I’m _sorry,”_ he choked in his words. 

 _“Stop saying you’re sorry!”_ Minho’s fist balled. “Stop it! I don’t know what you want from me anymore! Please,” now he started to cry, “please just tell me what you want, Chan.”

Chan wiped his eyes again, they were bright red. “I don’t want you to hate me,” he sniffled, “puh-please, Minho-ah. You’re my best friend.”

Of course he didn’t hate him, he just didn’t know what to do. He begged for some omnipotent being to tell him what to do because he couldn’t figure this one out on his own. 

“I don’t _hate you,_ Chan. Just… just tell me what to do.”

Chan bit his quivering lip. He opened his mouth just to shut it again. “Let me go.”

Minho felt like he got punched in the gut. “Whu-What?”

“I need to go,” he darted his eyes around the hallway. “I—I can’t deal with them tonight. I need to go, Minho-ah.”

He started to walk away, and Minho _let him._ He desperately wanted to reach out to him, but he just didn’t. He couldn’t. He watched his best friend leave out of one of the side doors, he gave one last passing glance towards Minho. 

“I love you, Minho-ssi. I’m sorry…” he trailed off. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Chan didn’t wait for a response before leaving. The door made a heaving slamming sound behind him. 

 

-

  
  


When he came back into the room he Bang Jiae still there, waiting. “Where is he?” She snapped. 

Minho felt too numb to reply, so he simply stood amongst his friends trying to blend in. 

Bang Jiae stepped forward. “Where _is he?”_

Hyunjin stepped in front of Minho. “Who the fuck do you think you are to talk to us like this?”

She stepped back and looked Hyunjin up and down. “I know you,” she chuckled, “you’re one of the Hwangs. What does it feel like knowing that your mom spread her legs for any man and that’s why none of you have the same father?” 

Minho stepped to the side and watched the way Hyunjin’s lip twitched. 

“You fucking take that back.”

“Hyunjin-ssi, let it go,” Woojin put his hand on his shoulder, only to have Hyunjin shake him off. 

“You don’t know shit about my family,” Hyunjin’s voice dropped several octaves. “So take it _fucking back.”_

She smiled scornfully. “I know enough. I know your sister is so Autistic that she can’t tell right from left,” she scoffed. 

Minho quickly looked to his left and saw the blood inside Hyunjin _boil._ Hyunjin quickly lunged at her only to be held back by Changbin. 

 _“What did you say about my sister?!_ Say it again you fucking bitch! _Say it!_ I’ll fucking _kill you!”_ Hyunjin practically thrashed in Changbin’s arms, only to have him hold Hyunjin tighter. 

Bang Jiae narrowed her eyes. “I know about _all_ of you. I know that Yang Jeongin over there has an alcoholic mom who doesn’t care where he is every night.”

Seungmin immediately went to stand in front of Jeongin. 

“I know that Kim Woojin’s parents are never there for him, at least I’m there for my baby. Now tell me where he is.”

Everyone stayed quiet, thankfully Hyunjin had slightly calmed down in Changbin’s arms, though his face was still red with anger. 

_I yelled at him. And then he ran away. Oh my god he’s gone._

“Well? Is anyone gonna tell me or am I going to have to call the cops?”

A heavy cloud rained through the room. Everyone diverted eye contact from one another, and thankfully by this point Hyunjin had calmed down and Changbin was able to let go of him. 

“Get out…”

Jiae quickly jerked her head over to Minho. “What was that, Lee Minho? What did you just say to me?”

Minho squeezed his eyes shut, he balled his fists and suddenly felt light headed. His heart _pounded_ in his fingertips, his airways practically closed. “I said… get _out. Leave,_ he—he isn’t here.”

“Why you little _shit!”_

 _“Go!”_ Minho screamed. He felt Jisung gently grab onto the sleeve of his shirt, and his touch burned in the most unfamiliar way. 

“Hey!” A new voice came into the mix, everyone looked over and saw Professor Kang storm in. “I don’t like these kids as much as the next guy, but you do _not_ belong here!” She immediately got in Bang Jiae’s face. 

Bang Jiae feigned innocence. “I—I was just wondering where my son is.”

“I don’t give two shits, Jiae. You don’t treat _anyone_ like that, so get the _Hell_ out of here before I call the cops. Now!” 

Bang Jiae licked her lips and looked over the eight of them once again. She huffed and turned on her heels and stormed outside, she let the door slam on her way out. 

Minho felt himself finally be able to breathe. However, it wasn’t a refreshing breath of air—it was like being thrown on the ground after being water boarded. 

“Are you boys okay?” His thoughts were snapped away once he heard the Professor speak. He saw everyone mindlessly nod, so he did as well. 

“Good,” she sighed, “I never liked Chan’s parents. His father gets wasted down at the pub over the weekend, and his mom…” she pursed her lips, “...is not a good person. I’m sorry you boys had to see that tonight.”

“It’s okay…” Changbin’s usually loud and energetic voice was now frail and shaky now that he’s let go of Hyunjin. 

“Where is Chan?”

Minho’s heart sank at her words. _I yelled at him. Oh my god, I yelled at him and he ran away. Oh my god, oh my god, I’m so sorry Chan._ He felt himself start to hyperventilate. Thankfully someone else answered the question. 

“He went home early,” Woojin said. His voice was deeper than usual, it sounded sad in a way Minho didn’t know how to describe; the closest he can say is that Woojin sounded like someone burned his favorite blanket. 

At that thought Minho immediately went to start rubbing his jeans with his thumbs. 

They took home their prize money that night, all splitting it up equally. Minho said Chan would most likely come to his room tonight so he’d just take his cut; no one argued. 

Their goodbye wasn’t pleasant, it never was when Chan wasn’t there. They simply hugged one another and went their separate ways, not even Woojin offered to give anyone a ride home. 

When Jeongin sent their group picture to the group chat, no one said anything about it. Minho supposed they were all still coping with what Bang Jiae had yelled. He could still hear her yelling at Hyunjin.

He got into the car and his mother was practically beaming at him, unaware of anything that had just happened. She squealed and vehemently clapped pulled Minho in for a hug. He had to resist the tempting urge to pull away. 

“I’m so proud of you, angel!” She ruffled his hair and _finally_ let him go. “Oh, my _God,_ you did incredible! I was sitting next to Mrs. Hwang and she went _on and on_ about how incredible you all did. Your dancing was _amazing!”_

Minho couldn’t help the blush spread across his face. “Thanks, ma…”

They started pulling away from the school, Mija pinching his cheeks a little _too_ harshly. “Did Channie not want a ride? We can always turn back and get him.”

Minho felt his throat tighten up, an awful sinking feeling made its way into his gut. He remembered too vividly the way he snapped at Chan, and the way Chan looked so utterly defeated. 

As an apology, he decided, he’d give him his own prize money. It wasn’t enough to fully heal what Minho had said, but hopefully it would be a start. He did mean the things he said, he just didn’t want to express them like that. 

_I’m sorry, Chan._

His mom bought them cheap fast food and they ate peacefully in the parking lot. 

 

-

 

That night he waited for Chan to crawl through his window, he focused on it so much that he didn’t even call his friends for longer than ten minutes. He chose to keep out the argument he and Chan had, he knew Namjoon would just scold him. 

His eyelids fell heavy, but he still blinked rapidly to at least _attempt_ and stay awake—he didn’t like it when Chan woke him up. However, the energy he exerted that night finally caught up to him and he passed out on top of the blanket. 

The next morning there was no Chan, it was a sunny Monday morning, but Minho left the window open so the temperature was below freezing. Minho felt terrible, there was dried spit still clinging to his chin, and his hair was disheveled.  

He shut off his alarm and walked out of his room, tentatively checking everywhere just to see if _maybe_ Chan had come in and just simply forgotten to close the window. To his dismay, there was no Chan. 

At breakfast Mija looked slightly confused when she didn’t see two boys coming down the hall. “No Channie? He’s normally here on Monday…”

Minho flinched when he heard his name, all the memories of yelling at him came back. He wanted to stay home and say he was sick, but he _couldn’t,_ what if he missed Chan at school. 

He ate slowly, just Incase Chan knocked on his door. 

Minho soon realized how full he gets when he eats all of his breakfast. His chest tightens when he can clearly hear himself yelling at Chan:

 _“I’ve done_ everything _for you, Chan! I’ve even given you my food_ every single day! _How else am I supposed to help?!”_

“You okay, angel?” Mija felt his forehead. “You sick or something?”

He simply shook his head in reply. “Just nervous about a test today is all.”

Mija pouted. “You’ll do great, I believe in you.” She kissed his cheek and said she’d be working late tonight. He flinched at the thought of what kind of job she’d be working tonight. 

The walk to school felt so unforgivingly lonely. But this time him and Chan would be making jokes about God knows what, because when it was just the two of them, they didn’t care about anything. 

He put on his headphones and played his _Beatles_ playlist, taking deep breaths whenever he felt his heart rate go up. 

He couldn’t find Chan during the first few periods of the day. He stopped and asked Woojin if he was in any of the senior classes, he said he wasn’t. Woojin looked like he didn’t get any sleep last night. 

During lunch he sat in the library and obsessively watched the door in blind hope for Chan. He wished he wasn’t disappointed when he saw _seven_ of his friends walk in. 

They all sat in their designated spots awkwardly mumbling _hello_ to one another. 

“No Chan hyung today?” Felix asked. 

Minho shook his head. “Nuh-No…” 

They didn’t say much after that. The silence was palpable between them, that was, until Hyunjin spoke. 

“Are we not gonna talk about what happened last night?”

Minho felt like he was going to throw up. No one responded. 

Hyunjin sighed. “Come on, we can’t just pretend that we didn’t get screamed at by Chan’s mother. I—I mean you heard what she said about Jisooie. Minho-ssi…” Hyunjin said gently. 

Minho lifted his head. 

“Be honest with us, _please,_ okay?”

Minho sighed, his blood ran cold, he felt his body tense. He nodded. 

“Is Chan being hurt at home?”

He let out a shaky breath trying to stop himself from crying. He couldn’t tell them the truth, they shouldn’t have to hang onto that burden, no one should. But then he remembered the countless times Chan came to school with a limp, or how his tooth was knocked out, or how his body was bruised from left to right. 

Someone held his hand, he looked up and saw it was Changbin. 

“It’s okay, Minho-ssi. You can be honest with us.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin nodded, “my home life isn’t the best as well, I don’t get hurt or anything, but my mom just isn’t really _there._ So, I can understand a little. We all can, at least to an extent.”

_They’re right. I could’ve gone to them all this time for help, why was I so stupid?_

Minho didn’t realize he was crying until Jisung wiped his cheek. 

He finally nodded. “Yuh-Yes.”

Jisung hugged him without a second thought. 

“It’s… it’s so _bad,”_ he whimpered, “he has… he _has it so bad.”_

Jisung ran a hand through Minho’s hair and shushed him, kissing his head lightly. 

“Can you… can you tell us what happens?” Seungmin asked tentatively. 

Minho nodded, and five minutes in everyone was shaking. 

 

-

 

“Well we have to do _something!”_ Seungmin yelled, slamming his hand in the table. “We can’t let him live like that!”

“We have to call the police!” Felix yelled. 

“Let’s wait until we see Chan again,” Changbin said as calmly as he could, “out of respect. He _is_ an adult, we should let him know what we’re doing.”

Hyunjin scoffed. “Like Hell we should! We have to do something _now!”_

“I agree—I agree with Changbin,” Woojin sniffled, “let's wait for Chan to come back. He needs our support.”

“What if he doesn’t _come back,_ hyung? What if his parents never let him leave again!” Jisung crossed his arms. 

“Friday…” Minho said quietly. Everyone looked to him, eyebrows raised. Minho’s face went hot. “Fun-Friday. He _always_ walks me to therapy on Fridays, if huh-hee-he isn’t buh-back by then, we’ll tell. Okay?”

Jeongin sighed. “All right, fine. Why didn’t you tell us sooner, hyung?”

“Yeah,” Felix joined in, “we could have helped.”

Minho pursed his lips and started picking at his jeans. “It’s—I _wanted to,_ honest, I was just scared.”

Seungmin quirked an eyebrow. “Of?”

“Losing him…” Minho sniffled, “he’s my best friend. I—I was being selfish I know.”  

Jisung took his hand. “No you weren’t, you were just worried, and that’s okay. We’re all scared of losing people. It isn’t your fault.”

Minho turned and saw all the galaxies in Jisung’s eyes crash right before him, he looked away. 

_I wish I could believe you._

  
  


-

 

On Thursday Minho finally broke down. Chan still wasn’t at school, and tomorrow was D-Day. He pushed open the door and practically sprinted inside, tears started to line his eyes. His mind kept throwing around every single possibility as to where Chan went, and every single one made his heart sink more and more. 

He heard his cats meowing by his feet but he couldn’t pay them any mind. His mom wasn’t home tonight, _of course_ she had work. 

He ran into his room and practically fell on top of his chair, he hastily logged into his desktop and pulled up Skype. He waited in pensive silence, his head was _throbbing_ until Yoongi finally appeared.

“M-Minho-ah?”

Minho shook his head, his fingers were practically vibrating. “He’s… he’s not back yet, hyung…”

“He’s… he’s not?” In the years he’s known Yoongi, he’s never heard him so _worried._ He’s seen Minho through Hell and back, but he’s never heard him like that. 

Tears immediately spilled from Minho’s eyes, his hands started shaking, along with his breathing. He rapidly shook his head feeling the anxiety free-flow through his body. 

“Nuh-No… Yoongi hyung…” he started sobbing heavily. “He isn’t back,” he wiped his eyes, “he’s not _here._ Hyung… I think… I think something happened to him.”

He heard Yoongi swallow. “What—What do you think happened?” Yoongi never let Minho indulge in his anxieties, and that was the scary part. 

Minho let out another sob. “I—I don’t _know._ Hyung… I think he’s… I think he’s…” he couldn’t bring himself to say it. The mere thought of Chan not being in his life felt worse than dying itself, and even though they bickered sometimes, Minho loved him. He loved him more than anyone, he was sure about that, and losing that all in a few days made him sick. 

He looked up and saw the way Yoongi gripped onto his desk so hard his knuckles turned white. His Daegu friends and Chan always had a bond Minho could never explain. 

_“I think he’s dead…”_

  
  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019:  _

_I was rig_

  
  


Minho can’t write another word, not because he doesn’t want to, but rather because he is beginning to cry. Thankfully, someone knocks on his bedroom door. 

He swivels around to see Hoseok walking in, letting the dog in as well. “Hey, buddy,” he smiles, “I know this part is hard for you to write. But, Berry always makes you smile, and you haven’t seen him a lot since you started writing the essay.”

That was true, he almost forgot he has the dog, even though he’s had Berry since he was seventeen. 

He nods and sniffles, patting his knees for Berry to come up. The dog does so without any protest, he immediately cuddles up to Minho. 

“Hey, buddy,” he smiles and hugs him, “how’ve you been? Sorry about neglecting you.” He directs his attention back up to his roommate. “Thanks, Hobi hyung, you always know how to make me smile.”

Hoseok chuckles. “Been friends with you long enough. Dinner will be ready shortly, okay?”

Minho nods haphazardly. “What’re we having?”

“Just some chicken, is that okay?”

Once again, he nods. He hears Hoseok sigh. 

“Are you writing about… you know… that night?”

“Yeah… I miss him, you know?”

“I know, buddy, I know. But he’s happy now, I promise you. And, I know he’s looking out for you, trust me, he is.”

“Thanks, hyung…” he hugs Berry closer. 

“Of course, buddy.” He closes the door quietly making it squeak louder. Once it closes Minho hugs Berry _closer,_ even if he didn’t think that possible. 

He pulls out his phone and goes to his video file, going all the way back to 2016, just to watch a video he hasn’t seen in _months_ now. 

The video starts out shaky, Jeongin could never hold his phone properly. It focuses on Seungmin, who has stars in his eyes. 

_“We won!” Jeongin yelled, zooming into Seungmin’s face. “We actually won!”_

_Seungmin didn’t say anything, he looked too out of it. So, Jeongin walked over to some other students Minho didn’t know, and talked to them about what they thought. Everyone collectively agreed that they did the best, even though Minho still thinks the magician should have won._

_The three dance captains kept bringing up how well Minho’s dancing was and how lucky they were to have him on the team._

_The video then quickly shifts focus to Chan, Woojin, and Changbin._

_“Hyungs!” Jeongin yelled. “We did it!”_

_Chan turned around to reveal the ribbon pinned to his shirt. “I know!” He exclaimed. “I’m so proud of everyone, we should do this again next year.”_

_A little off screen Changbin nodded. “Definitely.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. So that got dark quick. How you holding up?
> 
> Uh-huh.  
> Yeah.  
> Yeah I get that  
> Oh. Oh well you didn’t have to swear at me like that. 
> 
> Spill that tea sis what did you think? I know it got DARK dark, but that’s just how I roll baby. I feel like I’m the only person that will have two best friends arguing AND a reference to Cat and Dog in the same chapter. But that’s just how I roll baby. 
> 
> I’ve talked enough go stream Levanter. 
> 
> Try your hardest to make someone smile, especially if it’s yourself!!! You deserve that! 💜💚💜💚


	15. Face to Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s name has a strong connection to Face to Face by WayV. This song means a lot to me and so I wanted to express it somewhere, and this chapter seemed like the best place to do it.
> 
> Some key things:  
> I’m not proud with how this chapter. I felt like I could have done better, but I tried.  
> Also, if you’re not in a good mindset right now, don’t read this chapter. Come back when you’re feeling better as some heavy topics are mentioned.
> 
> And of course I have to talk about NCT Dream and SKZ’s performance: it was incredible. My actual babies.
> 
> I hope everyone had a great holiday, I know the new year for a lot of people hasn’t started off on a good note, but know I’m always here. We all need a friend sometimes.

_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_ I always tried to be the absolute  _ greatest  _ friend. Ever. I don’t know if you can qualify me as that, or even a  _ good  _ friend at that. There are some days where I look back at my high school years and think that I was the best friend anyone could have ever asked for, and then there are others where I can’t even fathom why someone wanted me as their friend to begin with.  _

_ I just wanted to be _

  
  


_ July 19th, 2015 _

good at dancing. That’s all Minho ever wanted to be, even when he was so little that he couldn’t, he was always moving his body to the beat. He loved dancing probably more than breathing, if he wasn’t be dramatic. 

That being said, taking dance classes outside of Daegu felt so weird to Minho, change was never his strong suit. Hell, he already couldn’t sleep most nights because he moved away from his hometown.

However, his mom begged and pleaded for him to take these dance classes over the summer, and was even trying her best to pay his way through; he would feel like a jackass for not accepting. 

His new therapist, Yoo Jeongyeon, was  _ thrilled _ to find out that Minho wouldn’t be bundled up inside all summer. Minho himself couldn’t say the same. 

The dance room was stuffy and was somehow overcrowded without having a lot of people in it. He knew everyone by name, but the pure thought of talking to any of them made him shake to his core. 

Chan was already enough of a friend here, he didn’t need any other friends here. He didn’t  _ want  _ any other friends, his Daegu boys and Chan would suffice just fine. 

One kid, Yang Jeongin, outshined practically everyone in the class, you would think he’s been dancing since he came out of the womb. Minho himself was never one to gloat (the opposite actually), but he considered himself a good dancer, but  _ Jeongin  _ was a whole different case study. 

He had tried to talk to Minho several times, even giving him his number, but Minho always shrugged it off as being a good gesture and nothing more. 

_ “Baby!” _

A shriek cry came from the back of the dance studio. Minho jumped and immediately went to hold his chest feeling his racing heart under his fingertips. He should be used to this by now, whenever class ended Jeongin’s boyfriend, Hwang Hyunjin, came to pick him up. 

No one was surprised to see Jeongin showing an unhealthy amount of PDA to his boyfriend. However, what  _ was  _ surprising was that his boyfriend came with another person, he was frail looking with tousled brown hair and wide eyes. They made eye contact for less than a second before Minho looked away. 

After collecting his things in a peaceful silence, Minho stood outside clenching his dance bag. 

  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_ I lied to Jisung when I told him he was my first kiss. My first kiss was with _  
  


_ July 19th, 2015: _

Chan was supposed to be here by now. He had started walking Minho home since the start of their friendship, it was their  _ thing. So where was he? _

Minho sighed heavily and pulled out his phone.

**To: Channie hyung**

_ You alive? _

_ Dude? _

_ Chhhhaaaaannnnnn hyunggggg _

_ :( _

**To: Mom**

_ Hi mom _

**From: Mom**

_ Hi angel what’s up? How was class? _

**To: Mom**

_ It was okay. Thanks for asking _

_ Can I go to Chan hyung’s house?  _

**From: Mom**

_ Sure! Just be home before it gets too dark okay? I’ll be home late.  _

**To: Mom**

_ I know. Love you. _

**From: Mom**

_ Love you more angel <3 _

-

Thirty minutes later Minho found himself outside of Chan’s house, apprehensively knocking on it. He waited twenty seconds before knocking again. 

He then looked into one of their many windows, having to stand on his toes. Up until now he’s never even seen the inside of Chan’s house. His eyes widened as he saw several chairs scattered around the floor as if someone whipped them across the house. 

“What…” he started to say but then slapped his hand over his mouth as he saw Chan’s father walk into frame. He stumbled around for a moment, aimlessly holding onto the walls.

It was then he saw Chan’s father kick their puppy. Minho gasped and ducked away from sight, sprinting away from the house. 

-

That was how Minho found himself in the same forest he first met Chan in, anxiously looking around for any sign of him. His mind was still reeling with images of what he saw at the house.  _ Was the really the environment he lived in? _

He swallowed heavily and made his way deeper into the forest. 

_ “Fuck!”  _ He heard someone shout in the distance. Then there was a smashing sound. 

Minho cocked his head to the side,  _ was that Chan? _ He heard the gushing sounds of the river next to him and made sure to keep heavy distance. 

As he stepped closer he saw the figure of a young man with his knees up to his chest, he was also clenching onto the neck of a bottle, the rest had been smashed against a nearby rock. Minho’s stomach dropped,  _ why was Chan always like this?  _ In his heart he knew he was being abused, but he didn’t want to acknowledge that as fact until he absolutely had to. 

“Hyung?” He steadily called out, not wanting to startle the person, Chan it not. 

The figure turned his head to Minho, and he saw the rounded brown eyes of someone he had started to call his best friend. His eyes, slightly red, burned into Minho’s soul, he felt frozen for a moment. 

He looked away after a moment, keeping a steady pace until he sat down; keeping a five inch gap between them. They looked into the river together and Minho saw the jagged rocks he’s come to fear line the river floor. 

Minho looked to his left and saw the bruises the were practically engraved onto Chan’s knuckles, his gaze shifted upwards to Chan’s neck, he saw a purple handprint there. His felt his hands start to shake. 

“I’m sorry…” Chan broke the silence suddenly, so suddenly that Minho almost jumped. 

He cocked his head to the side. “For—For what?”

Chan shrugged absentmindedly, harshly wiping at his eyes. “Not…” his voice cracked, he started to whimper. “For not—not picking you up.”

“It’s okay…” he put his hand on Chan’s shoulder only to have the older jerk his whole body away, his eyes now suddenly blown wide. Chan started breathing heavier, his face was depleted of all color. 

They stayed there in silence, the summer air was suddenly devoid of all warmth. Minho now saw the dried blood that stained Chan’s face, a lot of it was in his hair. 

“What happened?” Minho got the courage to ask. “Do—Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No!” Chan shouted, his voice laced with hysteria. “No, no,  _ please no.  _ That’s not needed, Minho-ah. I just—I just got into a fight with my parents.”

Minho swallowed the lump in his throat. “Fights duh-don’t end up like  _ that,  _ hyung.”

Chan’s face fell. “You don’t know my parents, Minho-ssi.”

Minho didn’t know how to respond, what was he  _ supposed  _ to say? Was there even a proper response to this situation?

“Please don’t tell anyone…” Chan said, his voice frail and right on the edge of breaking. “Please, Minho-ssi. I—I don’t wanna get sent away into foster care.” 

“But… but you’re being… you’re not okay where you are.”

Chan didn’t say anything for a long while, and Minho didn’t offer up any more support. After a moment Chan dumped the rest of his liquor into the river, the clear liquid seamlessly blended with the water. 

“Only if I’m dying,” he finally said, “only if it gets that bad. Then you can tell someone.”

Minho turned to Chan, about to protest, but Chan continued. “Let’s call it The Best Friend’s Code,” he chuckled, “okay?”

“We’re best friends?”

Chan shrugged. “What else are we?”

And, Chan did have a point. It took Minho months to be able to open up to his Daegu boys, and even  _ then,  _ no one person in the group was his “best friend.” 

His heart stung once he was able to muster up a response. “Ouh-Oh-Okay. Deal.”

They shook on it, and after that they enjoyed watching the water together. After a few moments Chan gently wrapped his arm around Minho, it startled the boy but only for a moment. 

“You're my first real friend, Minho-ah,” he chuckled bitterly, “even back in Australia I didn’t have anyone. Thank you.”

Minho smiled for the first time that day. “You’re the first friend I made here. So… thank  _ you.”  _

Chan smiled and gently guided Minho’s head to rest on his shoulder. Minho noticed that he smelled like honey and alcohol. 

“When I die,” Chan began morbidly, “I’m gonna make the sky look full of stars. I’m sick of not being able to see any here.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Chan snorted. 

When they finally decided to leave, they decided that Chan would spend the night with Minho, for both of their sanities. 

As Minho turned to start walking away, he noticed he couldn’t hear Chan following him. He chuckled to himself and turned his head over his shoulder. 

“You coming?” He turned fully around once me noticed Chan looking every which way except at Minho. “Hyung?”

Silence. 

Minho cocked his head and took a few steps closer to him. “Are—Are you okay?”

“I—I wanna kiss you, Minho-ssi,” Chan finally said, his face bright red. 

Minho took half a step back, a blush was slowly creeping up his neck. He let out a shaky breath, he was suddenly so deeply aware of the moonlight around them. 

“Wha—What?”

Chan swayed a bit to the side. “You don’t ever have to acknowledge it happened, I just—I just wanna kiss you.”

Minho shook his head. “Duh-Do you luh-luh- _ like  _ me?”

Chan but then inside of his cheek before shaking his head. “No, not really,” he chuckled, “I like this boy I’ve known since freshman year. It’s just… it’s just no one’s ever cared like you Minho. No one has ever stayed with me, and I know we haven’t known each other for long, but  _ still.”  _

_ What’s he talking about?  _

Chan continued. “You don’t have to agree, honestly! I just—I just had to get it out of the way, even if this is the worst time possible.”

Minho felt his ears turn bright red, sure Chan was cute (he’d go as far as to say he was hot), but he never thought about him like  _ that.  _ But he saw the desperation on his face, even if he didn’t know how to read it perfectly well. 

So, he nodded. “Kuh-Kuh…” he took a breath, “kiss me.”

There was a moment of silence before Chan took Minho’s face in his hands and  _ kissed him.  _ His lips touched Minho’s so firmly, and Minho didn’t do much except accept it. 

However, a small eruption of emotion did stir in his stomach, he felt cold, but in the way you’d want to be cold on a summer’s night. 

That feeling was gone in a flash as Chan pulled away. Minho wanted to hold him closer, even if just for another moment. He wanted to keep his best friend in his arms forever. 

So, he leaned up once again and pecked Chan on the lips once more. Chan took a quick step back, gently touching his fingers to his lips. 

“We don’t ever have to talk about that again, okay?”

Minho nodded. 

_ Maybe,  _ he thought,  _ maybe Chan has just forgotten what it’s like to be loved? _

 

_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_ I was in love with Han Jisung, he was my high school love. I was deeply and romantically in love with him, and kissing him felt like opening up an old scrapbook. And, when I kissed Chan that night, it was like taking the first sip of your favorite soda.  _

_ I wasn’t in love with Chan, I try not to measure love. However, I can’t deny that if I had to pick between everyone in the world and Chan, I’d always pick  _  
  


_ February 21st, 2016: _

Chan still wasn’t at school. Minho came to this realization when he stood at the same corner in the hallway where they first ran into Woojin, and he waited for ten minutes— _ ten minutes  _ and no Chan. 

His bottom lip started trembling. He felt his phone start bussing frantically, but he couldn’t bother to check it, instead he  _ fucking ran _ to the front office and frantically asked to use their phone. 

The office worker, startled, handed him their phone. Minho is sure he’s never typed his mother’s number so quickly before. 

She picked up before it even rung once. 

“Minho?! What’s wrong?!”

Tears started to line the bottom of his eyes, her could feel his heart shaking. “Mom… mom he’s not… he’s not back yet.”

There was a beat of silence. 

“Chan?”

”Yes,” he nodded, feeling his knees start to give out, “he’s still  _ gone.  _ Mom can—mom can you dismiss me please?”

There was another beat of silence. 

“Yes,” her voice sounded the same as it did the day after her girlfriend left, “yes, of course, angel. Go straight home and we’ll talk when I get off of work okay? Okay, angel?”

“Yuh-Yes mom.”

As Minho left school, bag in hand and tears on his face, someone grabbed him by the shoulder. He jumped half a foot before quickly turning around and seeing Felix and Changbin. He didn’t greet them, he didn’t know how to. 

Felix opened his mouth several times before inevitably biting his lip. 

“He’s not here,” Changbin said, “is he?”

Minho shook his head, gripping his bag until his knuckles turned white. “No.” He tried to sound okay, but his voice broke. 

He saw Felix’s eyes widen like never before, and he saw Changbin take a step back. 

“You going to look for him?” Changbin asked, and Minho could hear his voice shake. 

He nodded in response because he knew he’d start crying if he did anything else. He turned on his heel and left, keeping his chin up as he passed by faces in the halls he wished he knew better. 

-

He didn’t go home, he walked straight past the apartment complexes and down windy roads with his feet making harsh imprints into the sidewalk. He walked without listening to music, until he found himself in front of Chan’s house.

The door seemed longer than normal, it seemed to loom over Minho like a statue. The stairs he walked up on practically broke under him. The wind kept trying to force Minho’s arm down every time he tried to knock.

Before he even registered what was happen, Bang Jinsun opened the door. He didn’t smell of liquor, and he didn’t look intimidating. Not today at least. If Minho had seen this man any other day on the street, he would have assumed he was the kindest man alive. 

But Minho knew better. 

“Yes?” He asked, his voice a little too calm. 

Minho’s eye twitched, he balled his fist and  _ remembered.  _ “Where’s Chan?” 

Bang Jinsun raised an eyebrow. “I figured he’d be with you. We were gonna give him till sundown to come home. Maybe he would like to say goodbye to that friend of yours who has a dying mom. Shame, Han Seoyoon always had the prettiest body.”

Minho’s blood didn’t run cold, it ran with pure adrenaline, it didn’t matter if Bang Jinsun knew where Chan was or not, that wasn’t why he was here. He had never felt this pure  _ energy  _ flow through him before. 

“You abused him.” 

“I beg your pardon?”

“You know what you did to him. You  _ know,” _ he took a step forward, but Bang Jinsun didn’t budge, “what you did.”

“I know I had a son who I feed and clothe every single day, and a wife who does the same. I know I have a son who disrespects me every fucking day.  _ That’s  _ what I know, Minho. Now go.”

Minho took in a sharp breath. “You don’t care, do you? You don’t care that  _ no one  _ knows where your son is?”

What hurt more than anything is the apathetic look on Bang Jinsun’s face when he shook his head. “He chose to leave, he's an adult—”

_ “He’s your son!”  _

Before Minho could comprehend what his body was doing, he was on top of Bang Jinsun and  _ punched  _ him in the nose. He punched him so hard he  _ felt _ a  _ snap!  _ in Bang Jinsun’s nose. 

And he punched him again. 

And again. 

He punched him until Bang Jiae screamed, giving Jinsun time to push Minho off of him. Minho got to his feet immediately and punched Jiae as soon as she got close to him. 

“What do you think you’re  _ doing?!” _

_ “You fucks tormented him in his own house! You’re supposed to love you kid, not break their ribs!” _

Jinsun got to his feet and held his now bleeding nose. “I’m pressing charges.”

Minho scoffed. “Are you fucking  _ kidding me?!  _ You choked him against the bathroom wall, knocked his tooth out, didn’t feed him, and called him a failure of a son every day, and you’re pressing charges on  _ me?!” _

“You can’t prove  _ anything,”  _ Jiae spat. 

“Watch me. Watch me, you fucks. You’re going to jail one way or another.”

“You don’t know the Chris that we know, Minho-ah. He’s a  _ monster.  _ He’s a manipulative  _ monster,”  _ Jinsun stressed. 

Minho shook his head, he now felt the throbbing in his knuckles. “No. No, he’s my best friend,” he turned to walk out the door, “and his name is Bang Chan.”

He slammed the door. 

Then the realization hit him like a wrecking ball. 

_ They didn’t know where he was.  _

_ They didn’t know where he was.  _

_ They didn’t care.  _

_ Oh my god I should have done something sooner.  _

Minho made it to the sidewalk before he puked up all of his breakfast; he fell to his knees and gripped his stomach, his mind was foggy with the absolute worst thoughts. 

He was coming back from his high of kissing Chan. Of kissing death. 

_ He’s gone. Oh my God he’s gone.  _

_ Please no please no please no please no.  _

He screamed so loudly his ears started to ring, his eyes felt hot with tears. Without thinking he punched the sidewalk several times until he felt his blood paint his hand. 

_ Not Chan please not Chan anyone else please don’t take him from me. You’re already taking Jisung’s mom away. Please don’t do this. No no. Please.  _

Minho’s head started pounding, he started violently coughing, his knuckles were stinging. He couldn’t lose his best friend, he  _ couldn’t.  _

“Puh-Puh-Please no,” he fell down further, crying his eyes out into the cement. He pulled his phone out and started to call the police, he knew he was supposed to wait for his mom but he just  _ couldn’t.  _

When the operator picked up they sounded as calm as they could be. 

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt, do you need an ambulance?”

“Nuh-No… no. No, it’s my best friend.”

“What about them?”

Minho let out another wave of cries. “I—I don’t know where he is. Please… please help me.”

  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_ My mom, in the end, didn’t care that I didn’t wait for her to come home. She didn’t even care that I punched Bang Jinsun and Bang Jiae in the face.  _

_ There was a search party that night for Chan. Everyone from every walk of life helped out in this small area of Gimpo. Everyone came together to look for Bang Chan.  _

_ It was beating dusk when the search party begin, we _

  
  


_ February 21st. 2016: _

will find him, Minho-ssi,” Woojin said again, this time holding Minho’s face, “I promise. If I know Chan, and I do, he wouldn’t just leave.”

_ But you don’t know Chan. No one here knows him.  _

Minho nodded. “I—I know,” he took a step back, “we’ll find him. We have to, right?”

Before Woojin would reply, Hyunjin walked up to them, hands in his pockets. That was out of style for Hyunjin, he almost never hid himself from anyone. 

“We should continue looking, guys.” His voice was calm, but not the calm that people could relax around, it was the calm that was right on the precipice of breaking. 

Minho took off by himself, he said so that they could cover more ground, but he truthfully just didn’t want to be around anyone. He didn’t want to be reminded of that night at the Therapy Park on his birthday when the world seemed to turn because they  _ wanted  _ it to turn. He didn’t want to be reminded of the future where it wouldn’t be the nine of them; even if they found Chan, their friend group would never be the same again—Stray Kids would never be the same again. 

In the distance Minho heard some people shout that they haven’t checked a specific area, but Minho didn’t follow the crowd over there. He instead went deeper into the forest and passed by all the memories that him and Chan made there before they became nine. 

It was then that for a moment, Minho saw some hair in the rocky river. 

_ No.  _

Minho started walking faster.

_ No that wasn’t Chan.  _

He started running. 

_ No. No.  _

_ No that wasn’t him.  _

_ That couldn’t be him.  _

_ No Chan was alive. He was well. And he’d walk Minho to therapy soon. No that wasn’t Chan. Chan wouldn’t leave Minho’s life like that. He wouldn’t. They’re best friends.  _

Minho stumbled forward more and saw the mop of wet hair clearly. He then took another step and fell to his knees looking into the water. 

There was Chan, body completely submerged under the water. He reminded calm  _ (shell shocked)  _ looked at Chan’s face.

_ No. No he was alive.  _

In a fit of strength Minho reached his arms into the water and hoisted Chan out from under his armpits. He fell to the ground pliant, his face was cut to the brim from the rocks and his lips were bright blue. 

He tapped his face several times, but he seemed to be frozen. But of course he wasn’t, Chan was alive, he just fell into the water a few minutes ago and had a few cuts. 

“Chan—Chan come on,” Minho shook him relentlessly, “hyung we gotta go. Come on get up.” His own tears fell onto Chan’s beautiful face, and Minho wiped them away. 

“Channie hyung,” he almost laughed, “please—please get up. People are gonna start worrying.” 

He held Chan’s face, it was  _ so cold.  _ “You don’t,” he sniffled, “you don’t have to go back home. I took care of it. You’re gonna be okay.”

But Chan didn’t say anything. 

“Don’t—Don’t leave me, please.”

It was then that Minho heard some footsteps in the distance.

_ “They found something!”  _ A woman yelled. 

Minho had never screamed so loudly. 

_ “NO!”  _

He held Chan closer, they were going to take him away, and they couldn’t, they couldn’t take his best friend away. 

_ “MOM PLEASE!”  _ Minho screeched. He held Chan’s limp body in his arms, he was  _ so heavy.  _ Minho didn’t register that he was crying harder until he heard the footsteps of the cops, his friends, his mom, and the other volunteers come down the hill. 

His mom was the first one to try and pull Minho away from Chan, but he  _ wouldn’t let go. He couldn’t.  _

“Angel,” her voice broke, “honey, please you have to let go.”

“No!”

He hugged Chan closer to his chest, his lungs were on fire. The cops came down and gently tried to take Chan away from him, and at the same time his mom held him back from. 

“No, no, you  _ can’t take him!”  _ He cried. 

His mom ended up hugging Minho close to her chest while Chan was put on a stretcher. She tried her best to shush him. 

“Don’t… don’t look, Minho. Don’t look, sweetie.” 

Minho felt his mom’s tears hit his shoulder.

The second person to yell was Jeongin, and Minho didn’t know who held him back. As sad as it was, Minho didn’t really care what they were doing right now or how they were coping because  _ no one knew Chan like he did.  _

_ Chan.  _

_ Chan is dead.  _

Minho screamed again, gripping onto his mom’s shirt so hard that it started ripping. 

“It’s my fault…” he whispered. “It’s my fault, oh my God, mom,” he sobbed, “it’s my fault.”

“No,” Lee Mija hugged him closer, “it is  _ not.  _ You’re not to blame, angel. You’re okay.”

_ Chan won’t ever steal my food again. Chan won’t ever listen to me rant. Chan won’t ever babysit Hyunjin’s siblings again. Chan won’t ever laugh with Jeongin again. Chan won’t ever rap with Changbin again. Chan won’t ever poke fun at Jisung again. Chan won’t find his home of Australia in Felix again. Chan won’t ever kiss Woojin again. Chan won’t ever parent over Seungmin again.  _

_ Chan won’t be my best friend anymore.  _

“He’s  _ gone,”  _ he choked out, “mom. Mom he’s gone.”

What hurt the most is that his mom didn’t say anything. The next thing he knew was that his friends all surrounded the two in a group hug. 

Minho couldn’t tell whose cry belonged to who. 

  
  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_ That was the day I lost my best friend.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send all of your angry message to my Twitter dms @kindstar_ if you want to scream at me on a more personal level. Or if you just wanna see me being stupid on twitter. Either one works. And I want friends.
> 
> There’s only a few chapters left before I have to say goodbye :(. I’ll miss our chats. So how’ve you’ve been?
> 
> Uh-huh. Yeah... yeah, I get that.  
> Well I’m proud of you regardless for making it through the week 💜. Chan is too. 
> 
> Right yeah so... yeah it was Chan that died.
> 
> Y’all: It’s gonna be Chan who dies!  
> Me: Idk... maybe.... maybe not....  
> Y’all: No it’s totally gonna be Chan.  
> Me: idk...  
> Y’all: Chan.  
> Me: Okay yeah I killed off Chan  
> Y’all: WAIT NO—
> 
> Anyway yeah have a good day and try and make someone smile. Especially if that person is yourself! You deserve that 💜💜💜
> 
> Also right stan ENOi and support their comeback and Ateez’s comeback. Also I’ve been trying to get more into WJSN and Oneus so that’s fun wish me luck. See you next chapter!!!


	16. Stray Kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes this chapter was hard to write. I wanted to get everything perfect, I probably didn’t do that, but I tried so hard. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Also... Levanter English version? Best thing ever. And Answer by Ateez? Oh my g o d. And Black Swan? Oh my GOD. So many good songs are coming out in these shitty times.
> 
> ALSO WOOJIN HAS INSTAGRAM I S O B B E D

_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_The first thing I did was take Chan’s dog. I did it as soon as they took his body away. I felt so_ empty _doing that, like every single step physically hurt me._

_His parents didn’t put up a fight._

_My mom told them what happened with clenched fists. Of course, they weren’t out there searching for their son with the rest of us. They didn’t answer the door when the volunteers knocked._

I  _know the police came to visit them, but I’m not sure what happened._

_The week following Chan’s death felt so surreal, it felt like everyone was on hyperdrive and I was the only one who was moving at a normal pace. I shut down from everyone that wasn’t my Daegu boys. Even Jisung._

_I didn’t_ want to, _and I still spoke to them, but we all needed space. That was a mutual agreement amongst one another. However, I think we all knew our friendship would never be the same again, and it never was._

_Han Seoyoon was taking a turn for the absolute worst, everyone knew she wouldn’t have long left… maybe a week or so? No one was allowed to see her except for Jisung. And I stopped going to the hospital and waiting in the lobby for him._

_God, writing this now is making my hands shake. I haven’t told anyone this in so much detail, not even my own therapist._

_It was_

  
  
  


_ February 27th, 2016: _

hard seeing his friends, not with him. It wasn’t as if they were avoiding each other per se, they didn’t treat each other like strangers, they just simply acknowledged each other’s presence. Minho supposed that was just the natural order of high school friendships. 

It didn’t make it hurt any less. 

Seeing Changbin laugh with a few people Minho didn’t recognize hurt him. The same went for everyone else in the friend group. 

However, Minho knew that they were all hurting, _grieving._ He knew that some people handled death differently than others. 

Minho wasn’t in denial, no, he knew what happened to Chan and accepted it, he just didn’t want to _believe_ that he accepted it. For some reason, Minho thought that would do a disservice to their friendship. 

The only thing that centered him was Berry. That poor sweet dog held everything good that Chan had inside of him, and Minho needed that now more than ever. He needed the void in his heart to be filled.

There was no funeral held for Chan, he was buried in a faintly marked grave that Minho swore he’d never visit. 

There was a school-wide assembly held for Chan the following Tuesday that everyone was forced to attend. That was when it was announced that Chan drunkenly fell into the lake the night after the talent show and _“tragically passed away.”_ No one cried when they found out Chan died, no one really knew who Chan was to _begin with._ They knew him as an extension of their friend group, or they knew him as they weird bruised kid who ate lunch in the library.

No one knew Chan. 

Somehow that made it worse for Minho. He wanted to share his story with everyone so that people could know what a wonderful person he is— _was._

His Daegu boys took it hard. They all either cried or couldn’t breathe, their connection was something Minho could never quite understand.

He didn’t talk with his friend group— _with Stray Kids—_ much to know how they were personally taking it. He still spoke with Jisung, but that same spark they had even two weeks ago was steadily fading. 

“Minho?” His teacher, Mrs. Jeong, asked tentatively, most teachers knew how close the two were. 

“Hmm?” He looked up, not realizing he had been staring deeply at the table dozing off. 

“Just—Just wanted to see if you were still with us…” she chuckled at the end of her sentence, but no one laughed.

He was in his science class, the one he shared with Hyunjin (for not much longer if he really did move to America with Jisung), and the two normally sat together. 

The two stopped doing that. 

Minho went back to absentmindedly doing his work, however, he kept wandering off to a few months back when the world seemed to be at the palm of the nine of them. When the world seemed to finally start going right when he and Jisung would hold each other for hours when the nine of them laughed at jokes only they would find funny. 

Now there was a gray stain on those memories where Chan was. Where Chan’s smile would be, or where his laugh would be heard. 

Minho gazed at the back of Hyunjin’s head and noticed how absent he looked. Normally he would be chatting up a storm, but now he just chewed on the eraser of his pencil and picked at his uniform. Minho also noticed the way kids would randomly look over to him with raised eyebrows. 

Minho felt cold, and when he touched his lips he remembered that night when Chan kissed him. He felt so guilty for not telling Jisung, but that kiss was special and between them. 

He sighed lightly and was about to flip the page of his textbook when the classroom door suddenly opened. All eyes turned towards the principal— _Ms. Byun._

“Sorry to interrupt, but may I steal Mr. Lee Minho?”

Minho felt his throat go try and all his muscles tensed up when he realized how many eyes were on him. He involuntarily coughed and stood up, his chair scratched against the floor. 

He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked to the door of the classroom, and his neck burned with the gazes of his fellow peer—particularly Hyunjin. 

“Come on, honey,” Ms. Byun said and gently guided him out of the classroom. “You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.”

That made his anxiety spike through the roof, how could he _not worry?_

Nevertheless, the two walked in dead silence, there wasn’t even a peep of awkward small talk between them. They walked down the winding and empty halls until they came to one of the main offices by the front of the school. Ms. Byun opened the door for him and offered him a kind smile. 

When he walked in his heart stopped dead in its tracks. There were two cops sitting at one end of a long white table, one male and one female.

“Lee Minho?” The female officer asked.

He couldn’t form words so instead nodded, feeling sweat start to form at his hairline. His mind couldn’t process anything long enough to even ask questions. 

She smiled genuinely. “I’m Officer Chai, and this is my partner Officer Park. We’d like to ask you a few questions, is that okay?”

Minho nodded again and waited until he was told to sit down before doing so. His principal left with a bow and a slam of the door. He jumped. 

It was silent for a moment, Minho gripped just armrests. 

“So,” Officer Chai started, “do you know Bang Chan?”

Minho felt his face go pale, he knew in his heart that was why they were here, but actually _hearing_ Chan’s name made his palms go clammy. 

“Yuh-Yes. He… huh-huh-he was muh-my best friend.”

The two nodded and wrote something down on a notepad. 

“We understand you took in his dog?”

Minho nodded. 

“That was very sweet of you. Minho… let me ask you something… do you have any idea why we could be questioning you?”

At those words tears started to line over Minho’s eyes, his legs started bouncing at a rate that was nowhere near healthy. He nodded, however, he wasn’t stupid. 

“Why is that?” Officer Park asked calmly.

“Cause—” his voice broke—“cause Channie hyung… was… abused.”

For not knowing social cues that well, Minho understood how their faces broke, their cop exterior breaking. 

“And, what can you tell us about it?”

For the nth time this week, Minho broke down. He gripped tissues that were already (thankfully) there and cried. 

“He—his parents aren’t good people.”

Officer Chai nodded. “Go on, hon. Take all the time you need. Your mother already told us some of what was happening.”

Minho sniffed. “They pushed him down the stairs many times. They—they choked him, hit him, _hurt him._ I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.” He started crying heavier. 

“Hey, hey,” Officer Chai whispered, “it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Minho nodded miserably. That was the same thing his mom said to him over and over again, he couldn’t find it in himself to believe those words. Of course, it was his fault, deep down he knew that. 

There was no other way to put it, he had failed Chan at being his best friend. He should have done more, he shouldn’t have yelled at him that night. 

He felt a little light-headed. 

“Did you see any of it happening first hand?”

Minho shook his head. “I—I just heard it.”

“What did you hear?” She asked, quieter this time.

“Screaming. I… I once heard a vase smash against the ground… and the—the next day he came with a bruise on his head. That was in early September.”

The two cops nod. “I understand that you were scared,” Officer Park prefaced, “anyone would be, but why didn’t you say anything? Were you scared they would hurt you as well?”

Minho shook his head. “Nuh-No… his parents always luh-liked me for suh-suh-some reason. Chan and I made a promise to never tell unless he needed to go to a hospital.”

Officer Chai bit her bottom lip. “Okay… Minho-ah, you’re not to blame, okay? What happened wasn’t your fault.”

Minho couldn’t bring himself to talk about that anymore. “Are his parents gonna get arrested?”

There was a heavy silence. With every growing second, Minho felt all the memories of him a Chan rush back; it burned in his mind. 

“Possibly,” Officer Chai said, but her voice sounded so far away. “We’re going to need more for a proper investigation, but we have enough for today. Thank you for your time, Minho-ah. You’re a brave kid.”

_I’m not brave. Chan’s the brave one… he’s the bravest person to ever exist. I’m sorry, Chan._

He was dismissed after signing some paperwork and was allowed to go home for the rest of the day. He went to his locker and was on autopilot as he got his books. 

He tried not to think about how Chan would always _be there_ with him, asking him random questions about his classes. Sometimes (most times) Chan would share funny stories about what some of his classmates did. 

_Chan was always so smart, his parents never gave him any credit. If Chan put his mind to it, he could save the world; he could be millions of people’s hero._

Minho slammed his locker, _but that’ll never happen now._ He gripped one of the straps of his bag and turned to walk out, but suddenly stopped when he heard someone.

“Minho-ssi!”

Quickly, he looked around and saw Woojin standing at the end of the hallway. He waved back and forth, but it lacked any excitement or even any _want._ It looked like he was waving to Minho out of pure obligation. 

He swallowed and tentatively waved back. He was going to continue walking but Woojin ran up to him. 

“Hyunjin-ssi told me that you got pulled out, everything okay?”

He nodded. “Just—had to talk about what happened.”

There was a moment before recognition welled over Woojin’s eyes. “Oh.” He said simply.

Suddenly the emptiness in the hallway felt physically heavy on Minho’s shoulders. 

“Um… well, I assume you’re heading home.”

“Yeah… rough day.”

“I’m actually heading out too. Can I give you a ride? It’ll be like old times.” He added the last part with hesitation, he tried to make a joke, but it fell to deaf ears. 

Regardless, Minho agreed. The two leave in complete silence, even their footsteps were too quiet, it was like the two were purposely trying to not make any sound, and it was working. 

Woojin opened the door for Minho, he wasn’t driving the minivan for the first time in ages. It genuinely felt foreign, and for a moment Minho was about to ask if Woojin had stolen this car. 

“So,” he closed the door, “how have you been?”

Minho bit the inside of his cheek and shrugged. “Why are you leaving euh-early? Don’t you normally give your brother a ride?”

Woojin laughed, but it lacked any joy. “He’s hanging out with the idiots today. And, I just needed to go home.”

“Oh.”

For some reason, it hurt to know that Jeongin was going to be with his other friends. But, maybe that was just him being selfish. 

“Have you talk to Jisung at all?” He asked, pulling out of the parking lot. 

“No… you?”

Woojin pursed his lips and shook his head. “He’s been pretty isolated this past week. His mom isn’t doing well… she… she probably doesn’t have long left.”

Minho’s heart hung in his chest. 

“It sucks,” he sighed, “she was such a good woman. I’ve known her since I was about twelve. I’m gonna miss her.”

Minho nodded, not too sure what he could add to the conversation. He didn’t know Jisung’s mom in the same way that no one knew Chan. 

“It’s not fair. None of this.” 

He saw Woojin grip his steering wheel, his jaw tensing up. For a moment he regretted getting into the car with him, but then remembered that Woojin was one of his best friends. 

 _I forgot he was one of my best friends._ He wanted to throw up.

“You know he loved you, right?” Woojin said after a moment. He didn’t phrase it like a question, but rather a simple statement that anyone could understand. 

“He—He was my best friend, of course, we loved each other.”

Woojin chuckled, and this time he sounded more sincere. “No… that’s not what I mean, Minho-ssi. He loved you.”

In an instant, Minho felt his face go red, and his heart slammed in his chest. 

Woojin continued, “I think… I think he loved me, and of course I loved him, but I think he wanted to be with you. I think he always did.”

The air once again felt thick around them. 

“I—I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m just—I thought you should know how much he loved you. Again, I think he had a crush on me, as did I, but I think what he had for you was a love much deeper than anything you should feel in high school.”

Suddenly Minho’s hands felt clammy. 

“But… but why do you think that?”

Finally, Woojin smiled gently, honestly. “He talked about you like you hung the stars and moon itself. You made him so happy,” he whipped a tear from his eye, “I don’t want you to forget that.”

“I miss him…” Minho shivered, “I miss him so much, hyung.” 

Suddenly he felt a hand on his back, gently running circles. Minho cried for the second time that day, every time he closed his eyes he saw himself holding Chan’s body. He remembered how _gone_ he looked, how scary he looked. 

Missing him was like drowning under a frozen lake. It burned and you could see the light of the ice, but it kept you away from the outside. He felt like he was drowning, _how was he ever supposed to let this guilt go?_

It was his fault, there was no one else to blame. There was no one else who sat by and watched him suffer the way Minho did. No one saw the bruises on his chest, no one heard Chan cry himself to sleep like Minho did, _no one really knew Chan._

“We all knew,” Woojin said. 

“Whu-What?” Minho sniffled. 

Woojin sighed. 

“We all knew deep down what was going on, I think we were all just scared. I’m not too sure _what_ we were scared of, but we were scared.”

That feeling was mutual. 

“Did… did we let him down?”

Woojin shook his head. “No… no, I think we did the best we could. We were his friend above all else. I think that’s all he ever really wanted.”

Minho supposed that Woojin was right about that. Maybe, just maybe, Minho did the best he could do with the situation that was presented to him. 

Before Minho knew it, Woojin had pulled up to the shorty apartment complex Minho learned to call his home. He had hugged Woojin and refused to let go for a long while. 

They cried in each other’s arms, going from soft whimpers to full-blown sobs and everything in between. In Minho’s heart, he knew this would be one of the last times he ever got a ride home from Woojin, and that today would be one of the last days Hyunjin would acknowledge him in class. 

That was the unfortunate cycle of most friendships. Inevitably they all end up drifting away, Minho had to learn that lesson the hard way. 

But, to think, not even a year ago Minho got a ride home from him after having a panic attack one night. It’s truly funny how life works out; life really is strange. 

Eventually, they did pull away, Minho thanked him for the ride home and turned back and waved to Woojin. 

He made his way down the long hallway until he got to his door, he walked in without any grace as his mom would be at work. Berry ran up to him immediately and jumped on him. 

In a flash, Minho knelt down and leaned against the door, holding the dog tightly. A few of his cats came to sit by him. He didn’t cry, he just _froze._ He stared at the floor and recounted every moment he could ever remember. 

He remembered being in denial that his biological mom ever left him; his first time meeting his Daegu friends; his first panic attack; him moving from Daegu. He thought back to it all. He remembered the pain he felt when he got onto the train from Daegu to Gimpo and how he was _sure_ that was the worst pain he would ever feel. 

Berry cuddled closer into Minho, and Minho hugged him back just as close. He still smelled like Chan. 

_Chan._

“He did love me…” he said to no one in particular. 

Minho was on autopilot for the rest of that night, he didn’t even have his mom home to ground him, she would be working late. When he Skyped his friends, he let them talk and didn’t add anything. 

That night Minho got a text right before he fell asleep. 

 

**From: Hannie <3**

_Goodnight baby._

  
  


**To: Hannie <3**

_Goodnight I love you_

  
  


**From: Hannie <3**

_Love you too_

  
  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_Han Seoyoon died three days later. They made the objective decision to pull her off of life support. I didn’t find out about it for a day or two after she passed, I had overheard it from one of the teachers._

_Jisung and Hyunjin missed a week of school. They truly didn’t talk to anyone for that time, not even Jeongin._

_I didn’t see a lot of them for a while, not even Jisung, I think we were all still trying to cope with everything that was happening. Our group chat stayed dormant for all that time, no one had said anything since Chan passed._

_It was a hard time, I had to see Jeongyeon two times in one week just so that I could have someone to freely vent to. It wasn’t that I couldn’t vent to Yoongi and them, I just didn’t want to burden them. They were dealing with things their own way, and I didn’t want to hurt them anymore._

_To be completely honest the nine of us, we never hung out again._

_God writing that sentence fucking hurt._

_The closest it came to the way things once were was when Changbin, Seungmin, Felix, and I all went out for lunch one day in April._

_But, honestly, besides a few other minuscule interactions, I didn’t see them._

_Jisung and I hadn’t officially broken up until one week before he left for America. To be honest, it didn’t hurt as much as you would think. Of course, it did hurt,_ of course, _but I knew it was coming. Everyone did. Hell, I expected it from the beginning, not many high school relationships last._

_He broke up with me over text._

_I don’t blame him, he was going through_ too much _during that time period. I can’t imagine losing one of your friends_ and your mother _in the same year._

_Till this day my heart goes out to Han Jisung. He deserved so much better._

_No,_ everyone _in our little group deserved better._

_I hope they’re doing okay now._

_I wonder if they think about me? Probably not as often as I think about them. I wonder if they still have the picture of the nine of us back in September—oh my God that was so long ago._

_Holy shit. 2015 was so… eventful. It truly feels like that was last month._

_Wow._

_It’s funny how time flies the older you get._

_Right, Chan’s parents were arrested on account of child negligence, it was great to hear that, as fucked up as that sounds. His father was brought in after he got into a bar fight and everything came out after that. Fuck them to hell and back._

_I spoke as a witness, and to be honest, I don’t remember much of the trail. It lasted about four days or so before a verdict was reached._

_It was not a fun time, to say the least._

_Anyway, the day Jisung and Hyunjin left was emotional to put it simply. We were all invited to say goodbye to them (is that even the proper word—invited?) on May 17th, 2016._

_Woojin_

  
  
  


_ May 17th, 2016: _

didn’t come to pick them up. They all found their own mode of transportation to get there, Minho happened to walk. He did so calmly, he listened to The Beatles and tried to not think about where he was going. 

He left early enough so that he could take the absolute longest way to the airport, going through backroads, making pit stops, you name it. It was truly about the only thing that calmed him at the moment. 

Eventually, he did make it to the airport, everyone had gotten there at around the same time. He was greeted by Changbin who wore a sweet smile and hugged him gently. 

Minho looked over Changbin’s shoulder and saw Hyunjin trying not to cry with his siblings and Jeongin. It was genuinely painful to watch. 

However, it was nice to know that Hyunjin and Jeongin were going to try and make it work long-distance, and everyone knew that the moment Jeongin was able to leave Korea, he would. Minho didn’t know much about Jeongin’s home life, but he knew that. 

He hugged the rest of the group, no one really said anything beyond a polite greeting. It made sense, however, there was nothing to talk about. 

“Hey…” 

Minho jumped and spun around to see Jisung standing there, hands in his pockets. 

“H-Hey… how—how are you feeling?”

He shrugged. “Better than I thought. I’m glad I have Hyunjin coming with me.”

Minho smiled and remembered all the pictures Jisung showed him of the two, they were as thick as thieves. Truly nothing would separate them. 

“I am too…” 

Just like that awkward silence engulfed them like a plague. It was such a juxtaposition from how they were not even three months ago. 

“How are you?”

“Been better,” Minho chuckled.

Then the most shockingly expected thing happened, Jisung hugged Minho. He hugged him so suddenly and so tightly that all the air in Minho’s lungs immediately came out, but of course he hugged him back. He would always hug him back. 

“Thank you…” Jisung whispered. 

Minho didn’t ask why he thanked him, he didn’t need to. He simply nodded and told him he’d be fine in America, he’d be fine _anywhere._ He was Han Jisung after all. 

About half an hour later Jisung and Hyunjin boarded their plane to America, they looked back for the last time at their biological family and the family they built before leaving Korea. 

Hyunjin’s family cried some more, but Minho knew they would be okay. They were actually the first to leave. 

Which then left the six of them to be amongst themselves. No one really said anything, maybe there was nothing they _had to_ say? Maybe they’ve already said their peace. 

They hugged each other once again and parted ways, only looking back once to give a final wave. 

That night Minho went to a pizza parlor and Skyped his friends. 

 

_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_The most surprising thing happened in the time between Hyunjin and Jisung leaving and Felix leaving, I was actually getting better._

_Of course, I wasn’t fully okay, I don’t think I’ll ever get there, but I was growing._

_In that last month before summer vacation, I actually made some more friends, granted they were_ nothing _like Stray Kids, but they were still friends. We hung out every few weeks and shared secrets that had the depth of a swimming pool, but they were still honest and true friends._

_When the time came for Felix to leave for America, once again we were all invited to the airport. That day was actually the first time I ever met his father._

_We_

  
  


_ July 24th, 2016: _

all wished him well. 

“How’re you feeling?” Woojin asked. 

“Excited, for the most part, I get to go back to my hometown being fluent in another language, I’m gonna be so popular.”

Everyone chuckled, Felix would be fine. 

“You’re gonna be the talent of the town,” Seungmin laughed. 

“As I should be.”

There was a moment of silence before Felix hugged them all once again. “I’m gonna miss you guys.”

“We’re gonna miss you too, man,” Minho said, hugging Felix one last time. “But we’ll always have the Therapy Park.”

Felix chuckled, but it sounded forced. 

Like that, one more person in their group left. Felix didn’t look back for one last wave, he and his father just got on their plane.

 

—

 

The five of them stood at the curb of the airport and simply stared at the parking lot before them, everyone was too scared to take a step off. 

“How are you holding up?” Woojin nudged Changbin. “Your almost-boyfriend is off to Australia.”

Changbin chuckled. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin joined the conversation, “did you ever tell Felix how you felt about him? All _‘wait-don’t-get-on-the-plane-before-I-kiss-you’_ style?”

Changbin punched Jeongin’s arm. “Fuck _off._ And, that’s for me to you and you to find out. At our wedding.”

Jeongin’s eyes widened. _“Ooh, get it, hyung.”_

There was a beat of silence. 

“I’m gonna miss him,” Seungmin sighed, “Felix was always the funniest.”

Minho smirked. “More so _annoying_ than anything else.”

They laughed like they were friends again, because the truth was, they were no longer friends. They weren’t strangers by any means, but it didn’t feel right to call them friends. In a way, they were almost more than that, they were also more than family. 

_They were Stray Kids._

They probably wouldn’t talk after this day, but that didn’t matter, they will always be Stray Kids at heart. At the end of the day, they were nine kids who laughed together, made a band together, cried together, and enjoyed a few of their months as teenagers together.

Jeongin sighed. “Well, I’m gonna get going. Gonna meet the idiots down at the bowling—” he paused—“I’m gonna go meet them downtown.”

Seungmin smirked. “Cheating on Hyunjin hyung already?”

“Never! We’re making long-distance work!”

Seungmin held up his hands defensively. “Just saying.”

Then there was another beat of silence, and it was less like the silence that fell over them when they were all having fun, and more like the silence right before a crack of thunder came. 

“Well… I’ll see you guys next school year, right? Well… except for you, hyung, you’re a cool kid who already graduated. You gonna get that restaurant any time soon?”

Woojin smirked and rolled his eyes. “You know it.” Besides that, no one else responded to Jeongin. So, like that, he stepped off the curb and didn’t look back. 

Changbin was the next to leave, saying something along the lines of _“I’m gonna go meet some friends.”_ He left without looking back. 

Seungmin left next, saying he needed to start summer homework. _“I’ll see you later.”_ He left without looking back. 

“I’m gonna go sort some stuff out for the restaurant I’m gonna open up.”

“You gonna give me a free meal?”

Woojin smirked. “You gonna come?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Then, Woojin smiled in the way that he always did: with love. “Then yes, you get a free meal.”

He hopped off of the curb, and just when Minho thought Woojin wasn’t going to turn back, he did just the opposite. 

“You know… your stutter’s gone.”

_What?_

“It is?”

He nodded. “You haven’t done it once. Keep it up, Minho-ssi.”

Woojin then walked away, leaving Minho alone. However, he didn’t _feel_ alone. He didn’t feel like he was fighting a battle alone like that one fateful night in September; he just felt _okay._

He only stepped off the curb when Felix’s plane took off, and then he did the same.

The first thing he did was call Yoongi, and he answered right away. 

“How’d it go?”

Minho smiled, something he was trying to do more and more lately. “Went okay, all things considered.”

He practically _heard_ Yoongi’s smile. “You sound… good.”

“Guess it’s the summer air.”

“Guess so. Hey, you wanna—like—come over?”

“Like, go to Daegu?”

“Yeah. Why not, it’s been a _year_ since we’ve seen you. Hoseokie will _cry,_ trust me. And we can now formally introduce you to our new friends, they’re gonna love you.”

Minho thought about it, and then he thought about it some more. He mulled it over for a moment, weighing out imaginary pros and cons.

“You know what, sure. Why not. I’ll catch the first train ride out.”

_“Really?!”_

“Hell yeah.”

He hung up after that and turned back to see Felix’s plane be nothing more than a dot. He pursed his lips and thought: _That was it._

But, he’d be okay. 

  
  


_ May 23rd, 2019: _

_I was right, I never did see them again. I only heard about them like they were passing topical stories in the school hallways._

_I didn’t have any classes with Changbin the following year, but from what I saw, he was doing okay. He made more friends, of course he did, Changbin was always amazing._

_Woojin was working hard on his restaurant, I wish I knew how that was going._

_Seungmin went on to be the head of the school choir, he won several awards. He entered that year’s talent show and came in first._

_Jeongin randomly left school one day, people speculated that he went to America with Hyunjin and Jisung, but I never found out._

_I still got random notifications on Felix’s social media, he was doing okay. I never had any worries for him._

_I didn’t hear anything from Jisung or Hyunjin, not even on social media._

_I hope they’re doing okay. I have to have faith that they’re doing okay._

_After I graduated I moved in with Yoongi and Hoseok in a dingy apartment in Seoul. It was a half-hour out from where Namjoon and Jimin lived, it was nice to have us back. We all even kept in touch with_ their _high school friends._

 _My mom was finally able to live alone and quit her jobs and get a_ stable job _as a cashier. It wasn’t much, but I’m so proud of my mom._

_Which now leads me to this lesson/moral, the thing that has been haunting me since day one of this assignment well the lesson/moral is_

  
  


Minho closes his laptop and pushes it onto the couch. He sighs and turns to his lifelong friends and shakes his head. 

“I have no fucking idea what this moral is supposed to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last chapter :( I’m gonna miss our little talks. But I’ll write more, don’t worry. 
> 
> What did you think of this chapter? Anything you liked, disliked, what? 
> 
> Also, hey, how’ve you been? I know life isn’t good right now for a lot of people, but I hope you’re trying your best to smile every single day. And I hope you’re trying to make others smiles. 
> 
> You’ve got this! ❤️❤️❤️


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